# Disclaimer: Naruto and The Hunger Games belong to Masashi Kishimoto and Suzanne Collins, respectively. I don't own, just like messing with them. A lot. Enjoy the results of said messing.
Whatever Could Go Wrong
If the Hunger Games Movie were played by the Naruto cast . . .
"Primrose Everdeen!" Orochimaru titters, flipping his pink wig with a giggle.
"I volunteer! I volunteer as a tribute!" Tenten gasps, flinging Deidara behind her.
Deidara is not ready for the force with which the girl shoves him, and he hits the ground with an "oof!" The blonde mutters something about resenting this role as Neji grasps his hair and drags him to the edge of the crowd. "Go on, Catknob. It was fated," he intones quietly.
The Director sighs, exasperated, and bellows, "Cut!"
Deidara grumbles something along the lines of, "It was scripted, moron," as he does everything he can to get out of the cute little dress he had been forced into.
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"But it's for realism!" the Director cries.
Gai won't budge. "Trust me, it's better for our health and safety if he stays away from alcohol." He accentuates this claim with the Nice Guy pose and a winning smile. "I will fill in for my most youthful student!"
The Director's life flashes before his eyes as the show of bright pearly whites momentarily blinds him. He falls out of his chair.
Gai tries to take the role of Haymitch, but his exaggerated groans and teetering movements are even worse than Lee's. Painfuly so.
The Director facepalms.
There is a creaking noise in the back of everyone's ears that soon elevates into splintering wood, and then the stage collapses from the inside.
None other than Rock Lee is standing in the middle of the debris, stark naked and grinning like an intoxicated idiot. "I wish to fulful my dutiesh, Director-shir!" He salutes and then staggers around displaying various feats of flexibility that the offspring of a black-belt and a contrortionist would have difficulty executing.
Orochimaru, still in his pink Effie wig, walks with a very provocative gait towards the young boy and begins dancing in a very inappropriate way. He has obviously drunk the same thing Lee has, though in a larger quantity.
Kakashi runs up in his underwear, covering his face with his hands and sobbing like there is no tomorrow as a horde of drunken fangirls charges after him like a rogue missile.
The Director promptly bans all alcohol from the premesis and calls for damage control.
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"Peeta Mellark!" Orochimaru had been arrested for indecent exposure in front of minors and replaced with Anko. She threatened to emasculate the man that gave her the wig, so now as a costume she merely wears more clothes than she usually would and calls herself Effie. The Director is too scared to refuse.
Naruto bounds up to the stage happily. "I'm here, dattebayo!" He shakes Tenten's hand vigorously without invitation, and then announces, "I'm gonna win this thing! Believe it!"
The Director calls for another cutscene. "I thought I banned all alcohol!" He demands.
No one wants to tell the Director that Naruto is always like that in fear of being fired.
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"Peeta Mellark!" Anko calls.
Kiba is a painfully bad actor. And the Director could smell him from where he sat at the edge of the set.
"Cut," the Director sighs. "And get that dog out of here."
Akamaru was in the process of tearing at Anko's long skirt when he is shot with a tranquilizer and dragged away.
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"Peeta Mellark!" Anko hadn't bothered to replace the stolen clothing – in fact, she seems to be shedding more as the day progresses.
Hiruzen Sarutobi walks calmly up to the stage, taking a puff from his pipe and then standing completely still.
"Isn't he a little old for this part?" the Director asks.
Tenten shrugs. She doesn't really care, as long as he plays his part right.
They are ordered to shake hands, but the Third doesn't move. After some poking and prodding, he falls on his face. Tenten checks his pulse carefully, then looks at the director with wide eyes and drags a finger over her throat, ordering a cutscene.
Anko kicks the body a little and shrugs, shedding her stockings.
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"Peeta Mellark!" Anko seems to be wearing less and less clothing each scene she is filmed. Kakashi isn't going to complain, and he knocks Neji unconscious when the boy had thought it a good idea to warn the Director.
This time it is Sasuke that saunters up to the stage, a smug look on his face.
Until he trips. His forhead hits the wooden stairs loudly. He doesn't get up again.
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"Peeta Mellark!" Anko is dangerously close to being arrested for the same reason as the previous Effie, now wearing only a fishnet shirt and miniskirt.
Iruka gets a nosebleed before he reaches the stage. Kakashi drags his body over to Sasuke, Neji, Akamaru and Deidara.
The latter had complained too much about his dress. It had distracted the white-haired pervert from his porn book, then reminded him of a rather disturbing scene from it. He decided it was better for everyone if the blonde was unconscious as well.
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"Peeta Mella- oof!" Anko was finally arrested for indecent exposure.
Itachi walks calmly onto the stage, wearing the required pink wig, and announces, "Peed My Luck."
Then he squints at the piece of paper, confused. Kisame sighs and places his large hands on Itachi's shoulders, leading him carefully off stage like a blind man.
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"Peeta Mellark," Tenten reads blandly. She then retakes her place on stage as Minato Namikaze walks towards her.
He has it all down to a T. The bewildered nice-guy look suits him perfectly, and he pulls it off like a god.
Tenten looks to the Director hopefully, but it seems he had conniption some time ago.
Kakashi adds the Director to his slowly growing pile of bodies and sets up a deck chair and uses them as a footrest. "Roll camera," he yells lazily, then goes back to his book.
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"That's very funny," Minato comments, slapping the liquor out of his mentor's hand. "But not to us."
Tsunade responds by putting him in a coma with her fist.
The Director despairs. He's not actually sure Tsunade was aware that what she did was scripted.
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Reaping Replays
"Marvel something or other, and that Glimmer chick," Zabuza says lazily. "I'm outta here." He then walks off the set. No one really cares.
Suigetsu is offended at the less-than-kingly welcome, and even more so at his counterpart, Karin.
Karin is pretty happy that she is going to be portrayed as the sexiest girl in the games, however.
"You know you die one of the most horrible deaths in the movie," he feels compelled to remind her.
Karin answers with violence.
–
The huge boy from District 2 lunges forward to volunteer.
Or, he's supposed to.
"I volunteer," Juugo says timidly. He then shrinks back into the crowd as his counterpart, Tayuya, is chosen.
–
District 5 is a mess.
Tobi is very proud of himself for being chosen as the female tribute.
–
The boy from District 10 with the crippled foot is sullen and fairly feminine.
Kimimaro is not amused when the Director encases his foot in a large cast. For realism, he had said.
–
The Director had thought that actors from Suna would be dark-skinned, what with living in a desert and all.
He had asked for a cute girl and an intimidating boy to play Rue and Thresh. He had ended up with the pasty and exotic-haired Temari and Gaara.
Rue is not supposed to be taller then Thresh, but the Director is close to giving up completely on the movie, so it doesn't really matter any more.
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# Author's Note: Well, I hope you found this funny. Unlike most of my stories, you can probably expect another chapter or two for this one because at the moment it is pretty darn fun to write :) Chapter length is not guaranteed. Funnies are.
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