Corporeal
Corporeal: material, tangible. River was corporeal. She existed, she took up space, she was real. At least, she thought she was real. She couldn't judge anymore, her reason was twisted and maimed. River saw down as up and up as down. She ran from her friends and played with her enemies. Everyone on Serenity was an enemy, the voice inside her whispered. Why was she running away from the people who wanted to help her? She frowned, trying to ignore the voice. Simon was her friend, he always tried to heal her. But so did the blue hands. So why were they on different sides? She should ask Simon. He always knew the answer.
"I'm corporeal," she told him, standing in front of him in the kitchen. Simon nodded, smiling, pretending to understand, when all the time he was wondering if the new medicine was affecting her reason, making her worse. 'How can it affect me if I have no reason?' she wanted to scream. But she didn't, the words wouldn't come out right.
"That's right," he agreed finally. He poked her in the arm. "You're real." River nodded. She was real, she took up space. If she was real, her memories were real. The crew were her friends, not the blue hands. She could resist he voice, fight back the blue.
Until the next time as she walked through the living room, skipping happily along, knowing that River existed and was alive and not as broken as before, Simon didn't look up from his book to smile like he always did whenever she entered the room.
'My little ray of sunshine,' he called her, hungry for light in the black. He couldn't see the light Kaylee gave off.
She went over to him and waved a hand in front of his face. All he did was flip a page in his book. She tried to grab it away from him, but her hand went through it. She screamed, but she made no sound.
River remembered her words, long ago, spoken to the empty men. 'I am deep down, and I do not make a sound.'
She had trusted Simon, believed him to be a friend. He had lied, made him an enemy, bad. Her reason was clouded, her balance knocked over. She wasn't real, didn't exist, everything she knew was wrong. Now she knew what she hadn't before, why Simon and the hands of blue to by two weren't on the same side. His hands healed her, were nice and soft. So that was bad. The blue tore at her, angry and hurting. That was good.
So she had to go back. But River didn't want to, and she stood there, unsure, torn. Logic told her that since her way was backwards, Serenity was bad, the Academy was good. That pain was good and love hurt the most. Family and friends and comfort was wrong. She should want knives and blood and blue.
Simon looked up then and smiled at her.
"Hello," he said. River frowned, losing her balance again. Why was it that every time she broke the surface she was dragged down again? She remembered a time when she treaded the water, but she couldn't remember the strokes.
"Am I real?" she asked again, praying that Simon would give her a life jacket. Simon nodded.
"Of course you're real," he said, bemused. Why did she keep asking? he wondered. River nodded and left the room before he ignored her again.
She went back to her room and sat on her bed. Simon had told her she was real, but did she trust Simon? He had lied once, maybe he was lying again. She had to check, just like she used to check his homework for him.
River went to the drawer that she wasn't allowed to touch and opened it. She grabbed the scalpel and pulled it out. She could hold it, so she was real. But what if it was a fake scalpel? She dropped it and it clattered. But that just meant that the scalpel was real after she had stopped touching it. Maybe she was a black hole, and everything that touched her was fake.
That meant that she had to leave Serenity, and she didn't want to. Serenity was good and kind. It loved her, and she loved it back. One more test, after all, third time's the charm.
River dragged the scalpel over her skin. Red lines appeared behind it, pouring over her arms. That was good, showed the scalpel existed when it touched her. So she wasn't a black hole and didn't have to leave. That was good, meant that Serenity was good, and the Academy was bad. Which meant that her balance was right the first time. Simon was right, like always. River was corporeal. She should have known. A river was a noun, which meant it existed. It was a thing. Things had to exist, otherwise the laws of physics were broken. And that couldn't happen. So River was real.
She ran to show Simon, leaving behind red drops. That was good, just proved she was corporeal. Not even the voice that was cold and blue and hid in her mind could lie to her now.
When Simon saw her, he turned white and grabbed her and started yelling. She ignored him, tuned him out. Later, when she was sitting in the cold place that she hated because it was filled with needles, arms wrapped in white gauze, she explained.
"Shows I'm real," she explained. "Laws of physics apply. I'm not a ghost, I'm a river. I have substance. I don't tread the water, I am the water. No more drowning for me." She laughed, and Simon shook his head.
"I knew that you were real River," he told her, holding her tightly. Silly Simon, she wasn't going to leave now. The blue could come and whisper lies, but she knew now. She was real, they didn't own her, couldn't own a river, it got out of control and ran away. So she hugged Simon back and promised not to prove she was real again. After all, the laws of physics were never wrong.