It wasn't quiet for as long as I wanted it to be. Eventually, something had to happen, something had to change. I just…didn't expect it to be so soon, so suddenly. Well, I guess, a part of me did expect it to happen so quickly. Anything is possible, and out here, that's magnified to an unimaginable extent. But sometimes, sometimes in life, you just want to be quiet. You want to enjoy the small things, before the bigger picture forces its way back in. There are times when you simply want to sit, want to wonder and ponder about the mysterious beyond and the great unknown. Then, there are times where nothing like that even matters. Where all that does matter, is who you're with, at that point in time, at that moment in your life. And then, then, there are times when…you just want to sit, with nothing, do nothing, and be nothing. When…that's all you've ever really wanted, deep down inside.
The taste of Charon was still fresh on my lips. His scent was still covering every inch of me, when the Outcasts came. We weren't doing much, simply holding one another on the cold, hard, balcony floor. But it was still something I liked, something I wanted to do. Something, that I felt, I hadn't got the chance to do very often. So it was a shock, when Gob came in, screaming like he'd just seen something insane. With all the going-on in the Capital Wasteland, finding a good metaphor for how Gob was yelling exactly doesn't really fit. Anyways, he came in, with Zack clinging to him, scared out of his mind. I felt bad for the kid, Zack, and I felt bad for bringing this entire problem to them. I guess it can't be helped though. If you know me, with me or not, you're going to get involved. I wish it wasn't that way, but it is.
So the Outcasts came for us. They came, storming the tower just like they stormed the Citadel. No holds, shoot at will, get in and get out. I guess they suspected the ghouls to be some defenseless morons. Bessie Lynn proved them wrong when she chased half their group out with a Fat Boy. I watched that part from the balcony, while Charon and Gob devised a plan. What could I do? Walking down there would have sealed my fate, and I'm sure they wouldn't have simply left if I just gave myself up. Good thing I'm good with the ghouls, because they saved me. They helped Charon, Gob and me escape the tower without so much as a paper cut. No one on my side was lost, which I was relieved to hear. A couple injured, a few seriously injured, but no casualties. Also, no returning to the tower. Roy didn't exactly say that, but I felt if I wanted to keep those close to me alive, then I should just stay away. I owe them, after all, for saving my ass in all of that mess.
We were able to escape back to Megaton. I'm 75% sure that the Outcasts know we're here, but, they haven't tried to raid us yet. Simms wasn't glad to see me, or Charon. Gob he didn't care about, and actually played with Zack. Course he didn't believe he was Gob's biological father, but that argument isn't for this part of the story. I think it was because of Gob and Zack, that Simms let Charon and myself back in Megaton. Another argument ensued quickly after Simms started threatening me if I caused trouble, but Charon squashed that one. After running for our lives, and watching for a small child, Charon wasn't in the mood to fight anyone. None of us were. Tired, exhausted, sick, we just wanted to rest.
It didn't come as a shock, when I heard my old home was taken. I didn't expect it to stay empty, awaiting my return, but it would have been nice. A bed, a Wadsworth, you know, something to come home to. But it didn't happen that way, so we settled for the common house. The place for temporary travelers to rest up before they venture out again. We were able to bring three beds in one area together. Up on the second floor, away from everyone else, we made a makeshift home for an undetermined amount of time. There was a sad feeling to it all, though. As we all took off our guns and ammo and armor, and laid in our beds, it was just sad. Gob lulled Zack to sleep, and quickly fell asleep himself shortly after, but Charon and I stayed awake. We didn't talk, we didn't kiss, and we didn't whisper in the darkness of ourselves. We just laid there, each thinking the same thing, each wondering what we could never say.
How long could this go on for? How long, could we run for our lives, and put those we care for most in such danger? At one point in my life, I was reckless, crazy, had the world at my fingertips and snarled at everyone who walked by. There was a big 'fuck you' to anyone who crossed my path, and the value of life to me was at an all-time low. But that was then. And I've come to think that at some point, everyone goes through the same thing. How they take it and what they do with it is their choice, but in retrospect, it's all the same.
When I came from Vault 101 like a spanked newborn fresh from the womb, I'm not sure what people expected. What they wanted, what they thought, when Three Dog first reported my arrival. Some goody-two-shoes saint sent to save the world? Someone who would smile and give all they had to a passerby because she felt they needed it more? Maybe some angelic, virginal savior, sent down from the heavens above? I don't know. All I do know, is that it wasn't me. I came out with a stick up my ass and a flimsy pistol. A snarl that could make Raiders cringe and the habits of a Wasteland Junkie. I didn't know these people, I didn't owe them anything, and frankly I didn't care. I don't know why they were shocked, when I held them at gunpoint. Maybe vault kids are supposed to be good. Maybe I'm that rare percentage who wasn't. I don't know.
I'm different now, though. I'm more mature, and wiser. I still have my deranged sense of humor, my wit, my looks, but that's it. I learned 'pity' and 'mercy'. I learned to care, and in return be cared about. But at some point, you have to stop and take a look around. Look at the world, what you've been through, and what to do about it all. Charon's built for war, made for fighting, and can endure this life. I won't go on forever, like he probably will. I'm not built for much of anything, with my few set of skills and my little-about-a lot knowledge. I have an expiration date on my life. I know now, I don't want to spend the rest of it fighting. I don't want to be watching my back two seconds, and putting people like Gob and Zack in mortal danger. I'm not what the world revolves around, despite what I thought six or some odd years ago. There's other people in it, too.
I've brought them all I could, and given them all I had. This world took my mother, my father, my home, my morals and reasoning. Yet I gave. I risked my life, at Vault 87 and Raven Rock. I risked it when I walked into the Purifier to punch in the code. When I didn't give Autumn the password, when I said goodbye to Charon at the Jefferson Memorial. I risked everything, for people who hated me. I gave them clean water, and the chance to start anew. They gave me nothing. It hurts me, still to this day, to think about saying that final goodbye. To look at the last person in the world I ever cared about, the only one I had left, and turn my back on them. These people won't ever really know what it took, for me to do the things I have done for them. They won't ever care, either.
I told my story on GNR. I didn't leave out the nasty details or the bad parts. It was my entire, bare, soul. Still, when I walked into Megaton, Simms greeted me the same way. That told me, that they will never change. I can give all I can, to prove I'm here to just live, and they'll never believe it. I was born in the Capital Wasteland, but I wasn't raised in it. Because of that, I think is why they hate me. They must wonder, who I think I am, by coming here and fucking their shit up. Truth is, I don't think I'm anybody. I'm just Dezbe, a crazy girl, a crazy name. I'm simply trying to get by, and stay by the side of the one man I love. I guess that for them, is too much. Me, who did it all for them, for Gob and Charon, me, who loves a ghoul-creature for no other better reason than I just do. They hate me, and I can't continue to fight for a world, that simply won't accept me.
That was all I thought about that night. As Gob and Zack traveled and had adventures in a world I couldn't get to, Charon and I laid quietly awake. We thought of the world, of the people. Of past events, and of each other. I'm not sure what's worse. That we spent all night tossing and turning and thinking, or the fact that neither one of us confided in the other. That for the first time in our relationship, there was nothing to say. Knowing that scared me a bit. Charon and I shared everything together, but that night…that night we were silent.
Before I did fall asleep, though, I remember the last thing I thought of. I was thinking about the moment at the Rotunda. The radiation was so warm, too warm. It burnt me, inside, then out. That was before my immunization. Before I became the mutated person I am now. It wouldn't have done much of anything back then, if I was immune to it, just make me a bit stronger, really. I remember seeing Charon cry for the first time. The tears spilling from his face. How I thought it was the prettiest and most fulfilling thing of my entire life. That for once, I did something right. I gave Charon emotion, and free will. I felt proud of myself, if for nothing else, for him. Charon. My proudest moment, my proudest choice. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't change much. Except, maybe…I'd be nicer to him. I'd accept him into my life with open arms, rather than the begrudging sense of self of I had when his contract fell into my hands.
I looked at him, before I fell asleep that night. He was awake, his eyes open, staring at the metal-plated ceiling. I wanted to hug him, kiss him, something. But I didn't. Instead, I forced my eyes closed, rolled away, and made myself fall asleep. The emptiness I felt inside, during that cold and stale silence, isn't something I ever want to feel between me and Charon again.