Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, my name is not J.K. Rowling, and I am not extremely wealthy. Waah.
Cinderella: Harry Potter Style
Cast
Narrator...Nearly Headless Nick
Cinderella...Hermione
Evil Stepmother...Aunt Petunia
Stepsister (Blondie)...Draco
Stepsister (Stupid)...Luna
Fairy Godmother...Ginny
The King...Dumbledore
The Queen...McGonagall
The Prince...Ron
Trusty Servant/Slipper Dude...Harry
Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a girl named Cinderella.
Cinderella: That's not my real name!
Narrator: Well, she DID have another name, but nobody knew what it was, so they just called her Cinderella because she sat by the cinders.
Cinderella: That was ONE TIME! And my name is—
Narrator: MOVING RIGHT ALONG—Cinderella lived with her evil stepmother and two evil stepsisters, as her parents were dead.
Stepmother: CINDERELLLLAAAAA!!
Cinderella: Yes, O Screechy One?
Stepmother: GO GET ME MY QUILL!!
Cinderella: As you wish...(goes to get quill)
Stepsister #1: (in a squeaky, cracking voice) CINDERELLAAAAA!!
Cinderella: (suppresses laugh at seeing Draco in drag) Yes, O Blonde One?
Blondie: GO GET ME MY HAIR DYE!!
Cinderella: But what do you need hair dye for? You're wearing a wig, Ferret Boy!
Blondie: JUST GET IT, MUDBLOOD!!
Cinderella: (through clenched teeth) As you wish...(goes to get hair bleach and quill)
Stepsister #2: BOBBBBBBBBB!!
Cinderella: Um...
Stepsister #2: (looks right at Cinderella) BOBBBBBB!!
Cinderella: ...
Stepsister #2: BOB, LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!!
Cinderella: ...You talking to me??
Stepsister #2: YES, BOB!! THAT IS YOUR NAME, ISN'T IT???
Cinderella: No, it's— ah, forget it...what do you want?
Stepsister #2: A bucket of that wet, clear stuff...
Cinderella: Would that be WATER, O Stupid One?
Stupid: YEAH! That's it...GO GET IT!!
Narrator: Despite the constant work she was put through, Cinderella remained polite and cheerful...well, as cheerful as a teenager can be.
Stepmother, Blondie and Stupid: CINDERELLAAAA!!
Cinderella: WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU WANT NOW?!?!??!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?
Narrator: Now, on this particular day, something very exciting happened.
Stepmother, Blondie and Stupid: GET THE DOOR!!
Cinderella: HOLD YOUR BLOODY HORSES!! (opens door) Yes, may I help you ?
Trusty Servant: I am a messenger of the royal family of Some Medieval Village. I have come to bring you this invitation.
Stepmother: (rushes over, snatches it from Cinderella and slams the door) AN INVITATION!!! EEEEEEP!!! Come, my daughters!!!
Blondie: Yes, Mother?
Stupid: Yes, Bartholomew?
Stepmother: Um...
Stupid: (looks right at Stepmother) Bartholomew? Aren't you going to speak?
Stepmother: Right...(opens letter and reads) It is from the royal family of Some Medieval Village!
Stepmother, Blondie and Stupid: MEEP!!!
Stepmother: We are invited to the PRINCE'S BALL...and it is TONIGHT!!!
Blondie: UBER MEEP!!! But what will I wear??
Stepmother: Worry not, daughter! We will go into town to go shopping for clothes!
Blondie: SUPER UBER MEEEEEEEP!!! SHOPPING!!!
(laughter is heard in the background)
Author: SHUT UP, HERMIONE!!
Cinderella: (from other room) Sorry!
Stepmother: We shall leave right now!
Stupid: Yay! Here we go, to the store, Mom says we'll buy socks and more!!!
Stepmother: Um...right...we will, daughter. Let us go!
Blondie and Stupid: Right-o!
Stepmother: CINDERELLAAA!!!
Cinderella: (pouting in corner because she can't go to the ball) WHAT??
Stepmother: Um...you just sit there and pout. More. Yeah, like that. (whistles, and a coach appears)
(Stepmother, Blondie and Stupid exit)Cinderella: (pouting) No FAAAAAIR!! They probably have a library and everything...(cries)
Narrator: And from Cinderella's tears appeared a fairy!
Fairy Godmother: I am your Fairy Godmother! What's the matter, Cinderella?
Cinderella: I don't get to go to the ball! And they're probably gonna have...food (sniffle), and, and, PEOPLE (sniff) and...A LIBRARY!!!!!!! WAAAAH!!!
Fairy Godmother: Well, today's your lucky day; I will make it so that you can go! (poof...a pumpkin turns into a coach, five mice turn into the horses, and a rat turns into the driver) And there you go! NOW you can go to the ball!!!
Cinderella: Fairy Godmother? I think rags are a bit uncouth to wear to the ball.
Fairy Godmother: Right. (poof...Cinderella is wearing a big poofy white gown)
Cinderella: White?? Poofy?? How fifteenth century!! Change it!!
Fairy Godmother: Fine...(poof...Cinderella is wearing a less poofy, green dress)
Cinderella: That's better!
Fairy Godmother: And check out the slippers!
Cinderella: Wow...glass...very chic, Godmamma.
Fairy Godmother: I know; I was in the ZONE when I came up with that design! Anyway, you must be home by midnight, as the magic will wear off by the twelfth strike of the town bell. Well, must fly! TOOTLES!! (poof...she's gone)
Narrator: And so Cinderella set off for the ball in her sparkling new coach and gown.
Cinderella: WOOOO!! PAR-TAY!!
Narrator: Oh...and she wanted to par-tay. Meanwhile, at the ball...
The King: Welcome to the Royal Ball of Some Medieval Village!
The Queen: This ball was thrown so that we could force our son, The Prince--
Random Girls at Ball: (fangirl screams)
The Queen: Right, anyway...The Prince...
Random Girls at Ball: (fangirl screams)
The Queen: (annoyed sigh) So we could force HIM to get married!!
The King: Right, and without further adieu...THE PRINCE!! COME OVER HERE!!
The Prince: HOLD YOUR BLOODY HORSES, THE KING!! (runs out) Ahem...hello.
Random Girls at Ball: (fangirl screams) WE LOVE YOU, THE PRINCE!!! (attack him)
The Prince: Ah! Fan Girls --!
The King: Settle down, girls...and let the party begin!
(Food tables open, and Ball Band starts to play)
Narrator: Cinderella's evil stepmother had big plans for her daughters.
Stepmother: Okay, daughters...just act COOL around this prince, you dig?
Blondie: Yeah, I dig it Mommy-o (puts on sunglasses and looks completely ridiculous...well, more ridiculous than he already does...if that's even possible).
Stupid: AT QUIZNO'S SUUUUUBBBBB...oh...right...yes, I dig, Bartholomew.
Stepmother: Good. Because the sooner one of you marries The Prince, the sooner I'M royalty.
Narrator: Just then, Cinderella arrived. However, everybody who saw her before (namely her evil stepmother and stepsisters) didn't recognize her because she was borderline Miss Universe.
Stupid: HELLO!!!
Cinderella: (freaks out because it's her stepsister)
Stupid: Hey, why so jumpy?? Did you get ants in your pants?? That happened to me once—
Cinderella: HERE! READ THIS! (hands her a flashcard)
Stupid: Hey, thanks! (reads aloud) "How do you keep an idiot busy?" Gee, I dunno! "Flip over to see..." (flips over) "How do you keep an idiot busy?" Gee, I dunno! "Flip over to see..." (does infinitely while Cinderella slips away)
Cinderella: Wow...this is some ball. And look...they DO have a library over there!!! I KNEW IT!!!
The Prince: (stands at the front of the hall) HEY!!!
Cinderella: (gasp) That's The Prince?? OH MY GOD !!! (Fan Girl-esque giggle)
The Prince: Okay...it's time for the dancing!
Cinderella: Wow...his voice...Oh my God ...(swoons)
The Prince: But first—The King and I will sing a song!!!
The King: Hit it, band!!!
Ball Band: A 1, a 2, a 1, 2, 3, 4.
(They start playing the Hogwarts Song (Yes, the "Hoggy Warty Hogwarts" one O.O...)...people either laugh, stare or FREAK OUT BIG TIME)
Cinderella: That's how he sings? ...Oh my GOD O.O...(cracks up, but quickly shuts up) Oops...at a ball...keep it cool...oh no...gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!!! (runs to the bathroom)
(Song ends...tepid applause)
The Prince: All right, I am ready to party now!
Ball Band: (plays dance-y music)
The Prince: Hey, you, over there...(groans)...(to Author) oh, do I REALLY have to do this??
Author: YES!!
The Prince: Fine...(reluctantly points to Blondie) wanna dance?
Blondie: But—
Author: FOR GOD'S SAKE, I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO MAKE OUT WITH HIM!!
Blondie: (gives her an annoyed look) Um...yeahsurei'lldancewithyou...
(The Prince and Blondie dance...two milliseconds later:)
The Prince: Ok, that's enough...hey, you, over there!!! (points to Stupid) wanna dance?
Stupid: In a minute..."How do you keep an idiot busy?" Gee, I dunno! (flips card over)
Stepmother: GIMME THAT!! (Rips up card and pushes Stupid to The Prince)
(The Prince and Stupid dance, but Stupid steps on The Prince's feet)
The Prince: Owww...ok, that's enough.
Narrator: Just then, Cinderella came back from the bathroom and walked down the big fancy steps, and made a great entrance.
Cinderella: And I don't have to go right now! Hello...(looks at people staring) erm...did I miss something?
The Prince: HEY! YOU! ON THE STAIRS!!! Wanna dance?
Cinderella: Certainly!
(The Prince and Cinderella dance around)
The Prince: So...did you see that blonde girl over there?? Weird, eh?
Cinderella: (almosts busts out laughing) Yes. She's so bizarre!
The Prince: Yeah! She sounds like she's got a frog in her throat!
Cinderella: I know! It's almost like she was a snobby rich guy's kid dressed in drag!
Blondie: Hey!!
The Prince and Cinderella: Shut up, Ferret Boy.
Author: Let's get back to the story, shall we??
The Prince and Cinderella: Sorry --;;
(clock strikes twelve)
Cinderella: OH NO!!
The Prince: What?? What?? WHAAAAAT??
Cinderella: CURFEW!! (runs out of the palace, but falls down the stairs in front because she's wearing fancy glass high heels...then she gets up and runs like hell) OW!
The Prince: Hey!! Come back!! (runs out of the palace, but falls down the stairs in front, too) OW!
Narrator: And Cinderella cried wee-wee-wee all the way home. The End.
Author: NICK, WRONG STORY!!
Narrator: Oh!!! Heh heh, sorry...and Cinderella ran away from the palace. After the last stroke of midnight, her ball gown turned back into rags, her coach turned back into a pumpkin, the horses turned back into mice, and the driver turned back into a rat. Cinderella later realized she forgot one of her fancy glass high heels on the steps of the palace. And the person who found it just so happened to be—
Stupid: The Bloody Baron???
Narrator: NO! The Prince!
The Prince: Lookit! It's a fancy glass high heel! And belonged to that girl who was at the ball!
Narrator: So the next day The Prince decided to go throughout the town and let every young woman try on the shoe, and whoever's foot fit the shoe perfectly would be the bride for him.
The Prince: I will go throughout the town and let every young woman try on the shoe, and whoever's foot fits the shoe perfectly will be the bride for me.
Slipper Dude: But The Prince, what if someone has the same shoe size?
The Prince: IT WILL NOT HAPPEN!! THE GIRL WHOSE FOOT FITS PERFECTLY WILL BE THE BRIDE FOR ME!! (calms down for temporary rage blackout) What thinks you of the plan, Slipper Dude?
Slipper Dude: I think you're high.
Narrator: So The Prince and the Slipper Dude finally came to the home of Cinderella and her evil stepmother and stepsisters, after eliminating all the other village women.
The Prince: Whichever one of you ladies' foot fits in this shoe will be the bride for me!
Blondie: Are you high, Weasley??
The Prince: HEY (clenches fist)!!
Stepmother: (pushes Blondie away) Shut up, daughter! I will try it on first! (tries on the shoe) Oh no, it's stuck...getitoffgetitoffgetitoff!
Slipper Dude: (yanks it off) Your turn, O Blonde One.
The Prince: That's not necessary!! I'm pretty sure the girl I'm thinking of was a little shorter--
Slipper Dude: But The Prince, what about the plan? Letting EVERY young woman try the shoe?
The Prince: Well, yes I DID say that, but—
Author: Just let Draco try on the freakin' shoe, Ron!
The Prince: (sigh) Fine...
Blondie: (tries on shoe) It's sliding around on my foot...alas, too big! But that's okay...who'd want to marry some STUPID prince like YOU, anyway (smirks at Ron)??
The Prince: Why you little—(runs to attack, but Slipper Dude blocks him)
Slipper Dude: Let's move on, The Prince!
The Prince: Fine...(grumbles a little and glares at a smug Draco)
Slipper Dude: (takes it off) Your turn, O—
Stupid: THEY GOT A PEPPER BAR!!!
Slipper Dude: --Stupid One.
Stupid: (tries on shoe) It's JUST right! (walks a little, but trips and falls flat on her face) OW!
The Prince: This is not my bride! That girl at the ball didn't fall over...except when she ran down the stairs...but those things are hazardous...Slipper Dude, remind me to install an escalator.
Slipper Dude: Will do, The Prince.
The Prince: Ma'am, have you any other daughters?
Stepmother: No, just these two.
Stupid: But Bartholomew, what about Cinderella?? She's got feet TOO!!! Wow...(stares blankly).
Stepmother: Oh, well...there's this SERVANT who WORKS for us, but she didn't go out at all.
The Prince: Bringgith her forth!
Stepmother: But—
The Prince: I SAID BRINGGITH HER FORTH!
Stepmother: Fine...CINDERELLAAAAAAAA!!
Cinderella: HOLD YOUR BLOODY HORSES!! (walks in)
Slipper Dude: Try this shoe on, Cinderella.
Cinderella: (tries it on, and it fits perfectly) I tried it on, and it fits perfectly!
The Prince: A final test...what do you think of that blonde girl over there (points at Blondie)?
Cinderella: You mean my stepsister? HA! What a nutter—
The Prince: ENOUGH SAID! You are the bride for me!
Narrator: And so The Prince and Cinderella lived happily ever after. AND...the moral of the story is that...err...stairs are hazardous. The End.
Hope you enjoyed! Please review and have a nice day :-)!