painting by numbers

by summertimesadness

AU: There isn't a point to his work anymore. No more reason behind what he's painting or drawing, with everything just turning into messy blotches of paint or skewed lines in charcoal. It's frustrating. There's no more method to his madness.

i.

It's hard sometimes. He's never been one to frame his work and hand it up around his apartment, but his mom's different. Every time she comes over she spots some low-quality sketch or painting clipped to his easel and begs him if she can bring it home, and he says yes because well, she's his mom.

When she comes over he decides to at least hang up a few of his pieces of work. Not the best ones, but the ones he knows that she'll enjoy. He doesn't want her to come over and see his barren, whitewashed walls. His apartment makes a clown car look spacious.

He ends up getting the "Always Be Proud Of What You Do And Never Give Up" speech from his mom before she leaves. She still has to visit his step-brother before she leaves. He's the successful one, after all. Sometimes, Finn stops to wonder what it must feel like to be truly successful. If he closes his eyes and thinks about it long enough, some faint glimmer of success painting his thoughts.

She has to see his brother quickly. He can't miss his flight to Paris' Fashion Week.

ii.

Finn wipes his hands on his smock and stands up from the chair he has set up in the corner of his apartment. Streaks of ruddy greens and copper yellows stain his fingers, mixing together to form a gray against the fabric. There isn't a point to his work anymore. No more reason behind what he's painting or drawing, with everything just turning into messy blotches of paint or skewed lines in charcoal.

It's frustrating. There's no more method to his madness.

The girl that works the register next to him at the music store says that he's just in a slump. "Things will get better," she says, her voice soft and sweet. She's the nice and pretty blonde one that actually knows what she's talking about when someone asks her about a piece of sheet music. "You just need to find your muse."

He doesn't mind it all too much when she asks him out on dates instead of the other girl who works most of her shifts with him, but Finn just shakes his head and tells her that he's not really interested in seeing anyone at the moment.

He's not lying.

iii.

"The Art Institute's holding free seminars this month," Kurt tells him one afternoon over the phone. Finn's gotten through half a sketching of the Manhattan skyline (rather, what he can see from his apartment), but it's slowly taking a turn for something sour. He's busy talking to his step-brother, who's at a fashion show. A fucking fashion show. With his own clothes being modeled for the world to see. "It could be a good idea. You know, sketch a bowl of fruit instead of the skyline or Bentley for a change."

New York and his dog are getting to be rather old subjects.

Finn considers it. He's already seen the list of classes posted outside of the building when he walks past the Art Institute. And they're free, and that's all he can ask for. Finn's managing to make just enough money at the music store to scrape by – and they're not an actual music store, just a library of sorts where sheet music can be checked out and photocopied for a fraction of the price you would pay if you were to print it from your computer.

He's sold exactly two paintings. One to his mother and the other to her best friend.

iv.

He ends up attending "The Human Figure 101," because he figures that he should brush up on his knowledge on drawing real people instead of just buildings and his dog. He has a decent handle on it, but he wants to work the complexities of the face. He hasn't nailed it yet, and well. He wants to.

The girl that sits next to him has beautiful sketches that she shows him, to which she just smiles about. Finn notices that she's actually quite talented, and that most of her drawings are of this one blonde girl that she later explains is her girlfriend, which, you know, is pretty cool. He's sitting next to a hot girl who has a pretty hot girlfriend, judging by the drawings she's done of her. She tells him that her name is Santana, and she has a true gift for breathing life into what she draws. They talk to one another from time to time and he laughs at her jokes. She's funny.

iv.

The first two weeks are spent drawing the little wooden figures that Finn remembers from college. Every day he would spend his class sketching the figure in a position that didn't look like a natural position for a human being to be in. He doesn't really mind; his drawings aren't that bad. Santana likes to compare her drawings to his only so she can say how much better she is than him.

"I hope you can make it through the next two weeks without tenting your pants, Hudson," Santana tells him on the Friday of the second week. "Next week, they bring in the naked girl."

It doesn't surprise him as much as he would think it would. He's an artist, not just a 25 year old guy like the rest of his friends. Finn's drawn the naked human form before, and he knows what it's all about. More about shapes and forms and figures and less about how hot the girl was or how great of a body she had. Besides, for all he knows, Santana's lying. They could be drawing an obese man for all her knows.

v.

Okay, so they're definitely not drawing an obese man.

She walks into the studio and she doesn't say anything, just stares at the instructor as he continues to explain how the female figure differs from the male figure. Finn can't look away from her though; trying his best to make sure she doesn't notice. She looks young; too young to be doing what she's doing. He studies her face for a moment, attempting to find the shapes of her eyes, her nose, her lips. That's what drawing the naked form is all about, anyway. Finding the shapes of the human body and putting them together to form a coherent image.

She turns her head towards him and looks him in the eyes for a moment, causing him to look back at Santana. She's actually really pretty. She can't be a day over twenty, and she's got these big brown eyes and she's just – wow. She's stunning.

Finn isn't paying attention when she finally disrobes and sits upon the pedestal in the middle of the studio. Santana begins brushing her pencil against her easel, taking quick glances between her work and the girl in the middle of the room. Finn looks up and notices all of the artists around him staring at her, but not ogling her, like he would have expected. He looks up at her and notices how she's sat so that you can see the dramatic length of her legs swinging off the side of the pedestal, her head looking up and out into the distance, out the small window towards the side of the room. She's very distant. You probably have to

He looks at her for what seems like a long time, drinking in the image of her. She has warm olive skin and thick, dark brown hair that falls over her shoulders and down her back. He looks at her and looks back down to his paper, dragging his pencil across to make out the basic shape of her. He draws her collar and her chest, the swell of her breasts down to her narrow waist, not letting his eyes shift from her or his sketch of the girl.

It feels like the time is liquefied. It goes by so quickly and his art comes with so much ease, unlike when he's at home, painting by himself. Finn just writes it off as the fact that he's drawing a picture of a hot naked girl. He's been single for a while now. It's the first time he's seen a naked girl that isn't on a computer screen for a long time.

It doesn't feel like twenty minutes, but before he knows it the girl steps down from her pedestal and wraps herself up in the white silk robe she had come in wearing. Santana stands and wipes her hands off on her pants, telling Finn that they're pausing for a break. Something about the girl needing to stretch her legs.

Santana says that she's going outside for a smoke, and Finn stays in his chair, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He sees the girl walking around by the windows of the studio, fingering the hem of her robe.

She looks slightly unnerved, like she's scared. He wonders if she's scared about sitting naked in front of all of these people.

vi.

The first week passes and Finn shows Santana his drawing of the girl. She still hasn't said a word; just shows up every day right on time in her little robe that's really too short for her to wear, flopping in wearing her pink rubber flip flops. The instructor doesn't even say anything anymore, just goes back to his desk and lets the model remove her robe before sitting on her pedestal and waiting as people look at her and draw every little detail of her, and then puts her robe back on during the breaks and stands by the window, letting her fingers rest against the glass as she waits for everyone to return to their seats, only to repeat the same actions as before.

"Wow," Santana says on the Wednesday of their last week of the seminar. "That's really good." She sighs and looks over at the girl in the corner, looking down at her unpolished nails. "It really looks like her."

Finn looks over at the girl as well, watching her twist a lock of hair around her finger. "I want to know what her name is," he says quietly. "You know, so I can name the drawing." Her profile in the drawing looks the same way that it does now, with her looking out the window and the sun streaming in, casting against her hair.

"It's probably some really weird Russian name," Santana says, her voice carrying across the room. "She hasn't said anything this entire time, so I don't think she knows how to speak English." Finn looks over at the girl at the window, watching her face drop. He knows that she can hear Santana, and he knows that she speaks English. "I mean, why else would someone sit in front of a bunch of strangers completely naked?"

Finn sighs and begins walking over towards the girl, a small smile on his face.

"Hey," he says, his voice somewhat quiet. "Um, I just s-saw you over here and I figured I'd say hi. You know, you've been here every day for the past two weeks and I figured you could use some company."

The girl shifts her position and crosses her arms over her chest, remaining tight lipped.

"You know, I kind of figured you should know the names of the people who are looking at you naked every day." God, he's awkward. The girl just rolls her eyes and looks out the window. Finn swallows thickly and extends his hand, showing off his drawing of – well, her.

"It's not perfect," he says, watching her eyes pour over it for a moment. "But I think you look really pretty in it." He stammers and nearly loses his footing when she pulls the drawing from his hands. "Um, I'm Finn," he says, feeling his voice catch in his throat. He extends his hand for her to shake.

She just hands him the drawing back and crosses her arms over her chest again.

He gets it. She wants nothing to do with him. "Well, it was nice meeting you," he says, wiping his hands off on his pants. "I'll… I'll see you, I guess." Finn starts to walk away and he wants to hit himself. She's gorgeous, and she's probably got a boyfriend. She probably does this kind of stuff all of the time and thinks that Finn's just a creepy guy who likes to stare at her when she's naked.

"Rachel," she says, causing him to turn around. She's looking at him with this big smile; wringing her hands in front of her. "My name's Rachel."

vii.

Much to Santana's surprise, the Rachel girl does speak English. She's not from Russia like Santana's thought, either. Now, during her breaks, Finn lets Santana go off outside to smoke her cigarette and he doesn't bother pulling his phone out of his pocket to play his turn of Draw Something with Kurt, just so her can walk over to Rachel in the corner and talk to her. It's normally about whatever was on TV the night before or how badly congested a certain subway would be during a certain time.

It gets to be Friday and she asks him about himself, why he's an artist. It kind of surprises Finn that she wants to know about him. It's like she actually cares about him or something.

He tells her about how he's moved here from Wisconsin to be an artist, and how it's always been what he's wanted to do. She tells him how he went to school out in New York and since then, has to work at the sheet music store to make ends meet.

"I know where that is," she says in response to him working at the sheet music store. "Between the Sheets, right?" Finn smiles and nods. He likes it when she talks; he likes being able to match a voice to her face.

He waits for her to tell him about her and why she does what she does, but she doesn't say anything. He kind of gets it. He wouldn't want to release too much of his own personal information if he were sitting naked in a room full of people he didn't know.

viii.

Because it's Friday, Finn realizes that this is the last day that he'll see her, like, ever. It's also the last day he'll see Santana, but he won't really mind that all too much. He'll miss Rachel, though. Even though he doesn't know all too much about her, there's something captivating about her that he can't put his finger on. It's not because he knows what she looks like naked (even though she looks really good), but he likes her. She smiles when he talks and he's heard her giggle every once and a while, and it makes him smile.

It's just because that he's getting to know her in a way that he's never met a girl before. Normally he takes them out to dinner and meets their puppies before seeing them naked, not the other way around.

She goes to the bathroom that afternoon, and Finn's left alone in the studio with everyone else out for a smoke or in the bathroom.

He sees her purse in the corner by her clothes, and he wonders if he should go into her wallet and pull out her ID. For all he knows, she's lying about her name and everything she's told him. He really wouldn't blame her; he wouldn't let a complete stranger know all about his personal life. She probably thinks that he's been hitting on her this entire time, anyway.

She still hasn't come back, and neither has anyone else. He sees her wallet at the top of her purse and pulls it out, holding the piece of pink vinyl in his hands and opens it, spotting her driver's license immediately.

Rachel Barbra Berry, age 21. He notices her address and he chooses to write it down, finding a pen on a desk nearby and writing it on his hand. He figures that he can always find out what her phone number is by looking in the phone book, or even on Facebook.

ix.

"So this girl… what's her name?" Kurt's gotten back from France, his designs a hit with designers in Europe. Every once and a while, Finn sees his dresses in the giant window displays of Sachs or Bergdorf's, and he can't help but feel slightly jealous.

"Rachel," Finn says, handing Kurt his cup of coffee. "She didn't really tell me anything about herself. But she knows where I work." Kurt rolls his eyes slightly, sipping from his coffee.

"Well, if she looks anything like the girl in this drawing, she's a very pretty girl," Kurt says. "You must have really enjoyed drawing her… naked." Finn rolls his eyes and sighs, taking the drawing back from Kurt.

"I mean, she was pretty," Finn says plainly. He stuffs the drawing back into his portfolio. It's one of the best things he's drawn, so he puts it in the manila folder that he leaves his best work in. It's what he'll show people if he ever has the guts to actually interview for exhibition slots. "She was pretty nice too… once you got to know her." He smiles a bit and it makes Kurt laugh.

"You thought she was hot," he says with a laugh. "So when do I get to meet this Rachel?"

Finn just laughs and sighs at Kurt, wiping his hands off on his pants.

Maybe he should go to her apartment. Not that he wants to be a creep or anything, but he's like to see her again.

He'd rather see her than have Kurt see her.

x.

He isn't expecting to see her. He isn't expecting to see her again period, and the romanticized idea of him actually getting to see Rachel again gets pushed to the back of his head.

Seeing her at his job shocks him beyond belief.

At first he doesn't really recognize her, in part because he sees her only from behind as he walks out from the bathroom. She just looks like any other short, dark-haired girl at first, but he walks past her and catches her profile in the corner of his eye. He'd recognize that profile in an instant.

"Rachel," he says, whispering as loudly as he can. The girl tips her head up and looks around, Finn walking towards her. He smiles slightly and offers her a wave, to which she smiles back at.

They exchange their formalities and she remembers that he's told her that he works here. Finn just smiles and looks at her, and it feels weird to see her in actual clothes because well. He's only seen her dressed in her skimpy little robe or completely naked. It almost makes him feel like he's not supposed to be seeing her with her clothes on and instead he's supposed to be seeing her naked, like the rules have been reversed. She's really pretty even when she's wearing clothes, though. Finn just thinks she'll always be one of those beautiful girls, but she seems like the type that doesn't know how pretty she is – or at least she refuses to believe it.

He asks her why she's here and she just smiles, explaining how she has a big audition coming up that she needs to prepare for, and she had been practicing for a long time, but her cat "had an accident" on her music book she had been using, so now she needs to buy a new one. It surprises him for a moment, having to think about what she means by "audition."

"Are you a singer?" She shakes her head and clutches the books of music that she's planning on buying to her chest.

"I guess," she says, almost proudly. "I'm an actress." It surprises Finn for a moment. When he had first met her, he had always thought that she was a model, and that was all she did for a living.

In natural Finn Hudson fashion, however, he speaks his thoughts without thinking about them first.

"So, um, you don't do that naked stuff as your actual job?"

In an instant, he watches Rachel's face drop from the cheerful and happy expression from before into a sadder, tight-lipped look. "No," she says, worrying her bottom lip. She shuffles all of the music she has in her hands and walks towards the counter, pushing past Finn slightly. "Can you check me out, please? I have an audition to prepare for." Finn walks behind the counter and sighs, typing his fingers against the keypad of the cash register.

The Barbra Streisand Musical Anthology and a notepad of blank sheet music – she isn't a writer, is she?

Finn looks at her as she pulls a credit card from her wallet, the same pink vinyl with the gold star stickers plastered to the side that he had gone through. He still feels pretty guilty about going through someone's wallet like he had. "Look, I'm sorry," he says as he bags her purchases and hands them to her across the counter. "But look, I just… I think you're pretty cool, okay? It takes a lot of guts to do what you do."

Rachel grabs the bag from him and turns on her heel, flipping her hair over her shoulder. She doesn't say anything, just gives a small little 'humph' as she heads out the door.

Finn doesn't know what he should do. She's a rather confusing girl, especially for being so young. She's only 21; she shouldn't be taking everything so seriously. He's four years her senior, and he could never see himself doing anything like what Rachel's done in her amount of time being… well, her.

It doesn't take him long to realize that she's left her credit card with him. He doesn't know if it's on purpose or on accident, but he has to get it back to her. It's her credit card, for God's sake.

Part of him thinks that he can just wait for her to come back into the store again, but he highly doubts that she'll ever come back as long as he's working here. She doesn't seem to like his company very much.

He remembers how he has her address and decides to return the card to her in person. It would show her that he's a gentleman, if anything.

xi.

He finds her apartment, in some Alphabet City that's closer to his apartment than he thinks it is. It's not a nice part of town and it makes him wonder how a girl as small and helpless as her gets around without being attacked or something.

She asks him what he wants through the crack of her doorway and he slips her the credit card with the gold stars on it.

He explains his knowing of her address by tracking the card in the store.

"Those are kind of your thing, huh?" He asks, noticing the gold stars on the card and recognizing them from her wallet. She narrows her eyes and look at him questioningly.

"What, gold stars?" A small smile breaks out on her face, making her remove the chain from her door and opening it wider to see him. "I guess. Why?"

He just smiles at her and she smiles back. She smiles for the first time that makes him feel like she's actually smiling because of him, not at him or with him. Her smile is truly charming, and it makes him smile all the more.

She apologizes about how snippy she had been towards him in the music store, and he just tells her that it's fine. What he had said was pretty immature and she laughs, pushing her hair out of her eyes and making him stare at her. Not just look at her, but stare at her.

"What are you staring at?"

He snaps out of his daze and shakes his head slightly, stammering a bit.

"N-nothing," he says, his voice wavering. "I was just looking at… you, I guess." He sighs nervously and rubs the back of his neck, Rachel cocking her head to the side as she looks at him.

"You're very nice, Finn," she says softly, fingering her credit card as she looks at him. "You've been nicer to me than most guys I've met." Her remark makes him smile and she giggles a bit, looking up at him with a grin.

He smiles at her and she looks up at him, drumming her fingers against her doorframe.

He's always been one for taking risks. It's part of what makes him an artist.

xii.

They start dating, and things start out really great at first. It had started with the two of them exchanging phone numbers and it resulted in the two of them actually going out and having dinner together. About two months go by and things are great, really great. They walk down the street together and by the second week of them seeing each other she starts to hold his hand, which feels kind of weird. She's got such small hands and his are so… well. Bigger than hers.

She starts doing little things with him, like stopping by his work and not having to pick up sheet music, spending her time dancing around the small store and showing him the different kinds of music she likes – which normally doesn't stray far from the musical theatre section, but every once and a while she pulls out a Billy Joel piece and hums it for the rest of the time she's with him.

He really wants to impress her, so he promises himself that by the time he's sold three paintings, he'll take her out to dinner at the restaurant she eyes every time they walk past it – he forgets the name, but Rachel always reminds him that it's the one where if you're famous and you go to dinner or lunch there, they'll draw a caricature of you and frame it up for the entire restaurant to see.

She tells him that one day, that'll be her, drawn for all of New York to see. She tells Finn that she's worried about them drawing her nose too big, and Finn just smiles and reminds her that it's a caricature, not an accurate portrait, so they have to emphasize on all of her more prominent features.

Rachel guffaws and begs him to go back to his apartment so he can draw a caricature of her.

He only gets halfway done before she walks up to him to see how far he is, surprising him from behind in his little stool behind his easel.

They kiss for the first time that night, small and sweet and feeling like it actually means something.

At least it does for Finn.

xiii.

He's taking their relationship slower than he's ever taken a relationship before, and he's not exactly sure why. Maybe it's because she's so much younger than he is and he's never been in a relationship that works the way it does when he's with Rachel.

(That, and the whole stress of her worrying about what he'll think of her when they have sex for the first time is kind of gone. He's already seen her naked – he has drawings of her that she notices every once and a while and frowns at.)

She still works for the Art Institute, because she tells him that it makes good money compared to the other jobs she could be working.

He never asks her why she always leaves with a frown on her face before she goes to work, though. Sometimes she brings her little robe and flip flops with her when she stops by Finn's on her way to work, and Finn chooses not to say anything. He figures that it's for the better.

She's an awfully mysterious girl for being so loving and sweet. She never really tells Finn a lot about her own personal life, he kind of has to guess. It makes his relationship with her that much more interesting, but disappointing at the same time.

Finn doesn't quite know what words to use to describe his feelings about Rachel.

xiv.

He goes to her apartment again and this time she lets him in, since they're an actual item this time. Her apartment is filled with bright colors, making him smile. It suits her.

She attacks him with kisses from the moment he walks through the door, making him smile.

"I've got a surprise for you," he tells her, gesturing behind him to the hallway. He's brought a painting for her and he wants to make sure she actually likes it before giving it to her. There's really not a doubt in his mind that she won't love it, but he worries that maybe she's like a little girl whose tastes change on a dime.

She giggles and takes him by the hand as he leads her out into the hallway, waiting for Finn to present her with the painting.

He can't be happier with her reaction. It's a more abstract painting, but he kind of likes it. Well, an abstract painting with cubism worked into it. He had come across one of his old paintings from art school where he had worked hard to convey the right amount of cubism in, and he had gotten an A, so he figured that he couldn't have been that bad.

It's a portrait of Rachel, nearly a carbon copy of the drawing he had done of her in the seminar; only he's cropped it up so it looks more tasteful, making her visible from the shoulders up. He's managed to portray her all in stars, some little and some big, with all of her being in some shade of yellow, varying from pale, whitish yellows to deep mustards.

The more he looks at it, the more he realizes that it's not actually the best depiction he's done of her, but she doesn't seem to mind.

"I like it," she says, her voice soft and sweet. He thinks that the fact that he's remembered about her gold star motif has made him like, a superstar in her eyes, especially now. She's smothering him with kisses, and they're traveling down his neck before he has the chance to kiss her back.

"You are so talented, Finn," she reminds him, letting her hands rest against his chest after she's managed to undo a few of the buttons. She jumps into his arms and kisses him, Finn letting his arms wrap around her to hold her close to him.

He's never been so obsessed with someone in his entire life.

xv.

"I want to know about you," he tells her, adjusting his arm around her waist. They're lying in her bed together, their clothes scattered about her apartment. She's turned the small lamp on her side table on and she's tracing figures onto his chest, pressing the occasional kiss to his shoulder. He feels like he's going to squish her. She's so small and he's so tall, and part of him feels like if he holds her too tightly, she'll break in his arms.

"I want to know more about you," he tells her, looking down at her petite frame. He feels her trace figures across his chest, her lips pressing against his skin. He feels like she's still a mystery, despite the amount of time they've spent with one another.

The first four months have gone by already, and he likes to consider them boyfriend and girlfriend. They kiss constantly and he loves spending time with her.

He just wonders about her sometimes. Four months have gone by and tonight's only the first time that he's been to her apartment. Tonight's the first time they've had sex, too – and it doesn't feel like the other relationships he's been in. It makes him feel like he's even more in love with her, which doesn't bother him in the least. It's enough for him to say that he loves her, which he does.

He told her right after she came and collapsed in his arms. She hasn't really said anything since.

"I want to know all about Rachel Berry." He strokes her hair, tangled and damp and getting stuck between his fingers. She sighs and looks up at him, batting her eyes.

"What do you want to know?"

He wants to ask her why she's always so closed off and secretive, and how she seems like she doesn't trust him, even though he trusts her. They're boyfriend and girlfriend, right? At least that's what he would call them. He loves her, after all.

(It still kind of stings that she hasn't said it back to him yet.)

Part of him actually does want to ask the questions that he knows will make her feel uncomfortable and possibly make her kick him out and not answer him.

Why is this the first time I've been to your apartment? Why do you seem so ashamed about the job you have? What are your friends like? Who was the last guy you dated that obviously made you gun shy about everything in your life?

Do you love me too?

But he asks her about her acting career instead, and she just gives him this little half smile and looks up at him with those big brown eyes that he sees in his head every time he paints a picture of her.

She just tells him that everything's fine, just that it could be doing better if she had more time to go to auditions. She spends all of her time working; she's been getting much more jobs lately.

Finn gives her a nudge and tells her it's because she's so beautiful and she swats at him and rolls her eyes.

"One day, you'll be a big Broadway star," he tells her, grabbing her hand and twisting his fingers in with hers. "You'll be able to count off on all ten fingers all of the Timmy Awards you've won."

She giggles and tells him that they're called Tony Awards, and she kisses him again.

She asks him if he ever gets jealous of the men she sees when she goes to her job at the Art Institute, and he laughs, holding her closer to him. She smiles and she promises him that she's going to find a new job, just for him. She tells him that she has a boyfriend now, so posing in the nude in front of a group of strangers would be like cheating on him.

Her voice sounds too frantic and it worries him almost, like she's nervous that he won't approve of her if she doesn't look for a new job. He could really care less; he knows how great it is to have a job in general in this city. He loves her and he doesn't care – but she doesn't seem to think the same way.

Finn tells her that there might be an opening at his job and that he'll ask about it, which makes her smile and erupt into a fit of giggles and smother him with kisses.

"I love you," she tells him, snuggling into his side and feeling his arm wrap around her. He just smiles and reaches over to turn off the side lamp on the side of her bed.

xvi.

She gets a job at this little cabaret in Brooklyn the day of their six month anniversary. It was like a little countdown on the cat calendar she has hanging over her stove in her apartment; an X over every day when she gets closer to the end of her job at the art Institute. Finn comes over more often now and he always walks through the doorway with the beads hanging from it into her kitchen, only to see her standing in front of her stove, staring at her calendar.

She does promise him that she'd be more than happy to let him have his own little 'personal portrait sessions' with her, and she kisses him right before she lets him know that he can choose whether or not he wants to dress her with her clothes on or not.

Most of the tasks at her new job involve waitressing and ushering drunk people out of the bar when they look like they've had too much to drink, but they let her sing on Wednesday and Friday nights.

She's never looked happier.

xvii.

Finn takes Kurt to hear her sing on one of the nights he doesn't have a gala to go to.

He can't believe how beautiful she looks when she's singing, and he smiles when she sings some line about falling in love and looks directly at him, making Kurt laugh a bit.

He tells Finn that she has amazing cheekbones and that he wants to meet her after she's done singing. Finn can't help but feel some kind of swell of pride when he knows that Rachel's his girlfriend. They'd made it official one day when she had run into him at Starbucks one day by complete coincidence and she thought it was funny, so it called for something important for them to remember it by – hence Finn asking her to be his girlfriend.

"Rach," he says, calling her attention as she walks off of the side of the stage. She really does look nice, and she does have nice cheekbones. Kurt's more in tune with that kind of stuff than he is, anyway. "This is Kurt," he tells her, and she looks like she's seen a ghost.

"So you're the famous Rachel Berry," Kurt says with a smile. Finn keeps his eyes locked on Rachel, watching her eyes light up as she sees Kurt extend his hand to meet hers. "I've heard nothing but wonderful things."

Rachel just gasps; her eyes wide as she covers her mouth with her hands. Finn smiles at her nervously, unsure of why she's so shocked.

He asks her if she's alright and she just smiles, leaning into Finn a bit.

"You never told me your brother was Kurt Hummel," she says, her voice stammering a bit.

"Step brother," Kurt corrects her, shaking her hand. Finn just stands there awkwardly, waiting for her to be done and wrap his arm around her waist again.

She goes on to tell Kurt that she loves all of his clothes and finds him to be truly inspirational, and how she's seen all of the episodes of Project Runway and America's Next Top Model that he's guest judged on, and how there's this one dress in the window of Bergdorf's of his that she thinks is absolutely stunning that she's been saving up for for quite some time, and it makes Finn smile. He's never seen her be so happy and bubbly around anyone but him. It makes him so happy to see her happy, and that's all he really cares about.

Kurt leaves that night after telling Rachel that she's absolutely ravishing and that her luck will turn around and that with a voice like hers, she'll be on Broadway in no time.

He pulls Finn to the side right before he leaves and tells him what a wonderful girl he has in Rachel, and it makes Finn smile, looking at Rachel as Kurt praises her.

She really is wonderful.

xviii.

Everything truly is great between the two of them. She's happy and in love and he loves how happy he is. They spend nearly every waking moment together and the sex is amazing.

And then one day, after an argument, it ends. Eight months had gone past and they seem like they're doing fine, but Rachel ends up becoming upset. She storms out of his apartment with tears running down her face and slams the door behind her, causing a drawing to fall off of the wall.

It's over.

xix.

Kurt tells him that it'll be okay, but Finn doesn't believe him. Everywhere he looks he sees Rachel, he hears Rachel, he smells Rachel.

His art becomes slightly darker than before, but he doesn't mind all too much. It suits his mood. He finds himself always buying gray and blue paints, because they're the colors he's been using the most.

Kurt says that he should probably find something else to do in order to release his emotions about her, but he can't. Rachel's face is all he sees.

Rachel's really all that's mattered for the past eight months.

xx.

He gets approached by the owner of an art gallery one day at a community exhibition. The owner tells him that his work is brilliant, that of a visionary.

Finn tells him that he'll send in his portfolio and the man smiles. Finn hopes that he's made the right decision. It'll help him get his mind off of Rachel.

He scours through his paintings and after finding all of the ones he wants to use, he knows what to title the exhibit.

It's somewhat counterproductive, but he doesn't care. He's an artist and it helps him express himself, and that's what painting's supposed to do, right?

xxi.

His art gets put up at the exhibition and he's proud. It's not the happiest he's been in the world, but it's the happiest he's been in a long time. Kurt comes and he even runs into the Santana girl from his workshop at the Institute, and she walks in with a really pretty blonde girl attached to her arm. She looks like the girl in all of Santana's old drawings, and after she runs into him she introduces her as Brittany, her girlfriend.

The blonde girl's kind of stupid, but Finn doesn't mind. She's really nice and she tells Finn that his paintings are really pretty.

Santana looks at the paintings and quirks an eyebrow and looks at Finn as she stands in front of one of the bigger paintings in the room.

"What's this one called?"

Finn's never really named his paintings, and he tells her that. Santana sighs and places her hands on her lips, rolling her eyes.

"Every painting has a name," she tells him, sounding almost frustrated. "Whether you know it or not." It makes Finn stop and think for a moment, looking at the painting. It doesn't take him long to look at it and realize what he would call it, only because he's thought about it before.

Santana, however, beats him to the punch.

"That looks like that girl from the seminar," she says, her voice slightly quieter. "Is it?"

He doesn't want to tell her the truth with the fear that she'll just say something rude in return. They're not friends and they haven't seen each other in almost a year. He'd forgotten her name when he had first seen her. She doesn't need to know about how he had fallen in love with the girl that she always thought couldn't speak English and thought she was better than everybody else.

He's not going to tell a girl he doesn't know about how lovely he thought Rachel was and how much he had actually loved her, and how she loved him so much. They seemed like something out of a Nicholas Sparks novel for a while, which made Finn worry that everything was too good to be true.

Santana opens her mouth to say something again, and Finn just doesn't bother. Maybe listening to her right now is a smart thing. It's not like he can listen to Rachel anymore.

xxii.

Kurt has a slump in having to be everywhere at once and he stops at Finn's apartment one morning. At first Finn doesn't want to answer the door, but when he sees Kurt's text about him bringing bagels, he's more than happy to let him in.

"You have to get over this girl," he tells him, ripping pieces of his bagel off and spreading cream cheese over it. It's one of the only things in Finn's bachelor pad-esque fridge. "I mean, clearly, you realized that she's got something up with her that makes her so… jumpy, I guess." He sighs, taking a bite of his bagel. "Too bad, too. I really thought you guys were going to go the distance."

His words strike a chord in Finn and it makes him feel somewhat uncomfortable. He can't explain how great she's made him feel and how lovely she is, and how she's affected his career.

He's never been more inspired to actually paint and draw. Every time he paints now, all he sees is Rachel. Rachel when she giggles at some joke that he's heard online, Rachel when she's on her knees and talking to his dog, Rachel when she's crying and watching The Boy in the Striped Pajamas with him for the millionth time, Rachel when she's underneath him and he's inside of her, thrusting into her, and the way her breath catches when she comes.

He doesn't know how to escape it, so he paints it instead – it's what helps him cope with every other shitty thing in his life. It's a bit twistier and more depressing than usual, but he doesn't think it's bad. The director of the art exhibit still wants him, so it's not all that bad.

xxiii.

Kurt helps him load all of his paintings into the car he's rented, even though he doesn't feel all too great about it.

"Are you sure about this?"

Finn just nods and hands Kurt another stack of paintings. She shouldn't be too concerned about having art inspired by her hung up for everyone to see. Besides, she wants to be this big, famous Broadway star, doesn't she? Recognition is only one of the steps to achieving fame.

He pauses and looks at one of them, however, and he can't help but feel slightly sad when he sees it.

It's Rachel, and she's sitting at the piano at his old job, singing to him. It was her birthday present to him on her own birthday, and she's got this big smile on her face as she sings. It makes him feel like he's actually missing something, but he can't think about that now.

He wipes his eyes and sniffles a bit, setting the painting into the back of the car with the rest of them.

Kurt just rolls his eyes and finishes packing the paintings into his car.

No matter what, Finn can't really be upset. For as much as he actually misses Rachel, he's grateful for her. She's the reason why he's gotten this spot at the exhibit.

xviv.

He's telling some teenage boy there on a field trip with his college about something when he sees her out of the corner of his eye. She's kind of wandering around aimlessly and looking at all of the paintings hanging from the wall, and he can tell that she's looking for him. He excuses himself from the kid he's talking to and walks up to her at a quick clip, trying to hide his mixed expression of happiness and confusion all at the same time, even though he knows he isn't doing that great of a job. She's an actress, so she probably knows how to read people pretty well.

"What are you doing here?" He asks her. He's actually pretty surprised that she's here. He's surprised that all of these people are here, really.

She bites her lip. "I'm sorry," she says, practically whispering.

He can tell that she's been crying when he looks at her. Her eyes are red and puffy and she's tugging on the sleeve of her dress, like she always does when she's nervous. He still recognizes her nervous tendencies.

He doesn't know what she's sorry for, and for a second he thinks that it's because of how she had broken up with him; over something as trivial as her job.

She had lost it a week before they had broken up. They were over staffed and the last to come was the first to leave, as usual. She had to go back to her job at the Art Institute and it hit her hard, and Finn had tried to tell her that it would be alright, but she got mad at him and told him that he didn't understand, so she broke up with him. Something about 'it not working' and 'him not supporting her enough,' making her upset and calling it off with him.

"I want to talk to you," she says, her voice breaking and cracking slightly. "Can we… can we go somewhere?"

Finn looks around nervously and looks back at her, seeing her eyes. They're welled with tears and she looks truly sad, which only makes him more upset. He hates seeing her upset. Before, he would always remedy her tears with something like a kiss, but clearly, he can't do that now.

"Sure, Rachel, I just… I'm kind of busy at the moment." He shoves one hand in his pocket and rubs the back of his neck nervously with the other, sighing as he looks at her. "I have to stay here, because of the exhibit, but yeah, we can talk." He looks down at her and he catches a small smile from her, causing him to smile. He knows it's not because she's seeing him again or anything, probably just because she's gotten what she wants. He figures that she's gotten over being able to see him and not being able to see him or whatever.

She just gives him a nod or shakes her head or something, something to let him know that she's okay for the time being, and it makes him feel slightly better.

It's the best he's felt about her in a long time.

xxv.

She's changed a lot since they've last seen one another. Her hair's slightly shorter and she's streaked it; colorful shades of blonde and red and light brown in her regularly dark brown locks. It makes her look really pretty, he decides. It's not radical and it's not subdued, just enough to make her look like a different person.

She looks like she's lost weight since he's last seen her – not that she needed to lose any in the first place. Now she looks too thin; her shoulder blades sticking out of her back like knives and her hands frail and fingers thin and nimble.

Her dress looks worn and like it's too big for her, and he doesn't want to ask her too much about how she's doing. From the looks of her, she doesn't look very good.

"I'm sorry," she says again, this time her voice louder. She's waited until everyone else has left and the exhibit's been closed for the night, Finn asking if she could stay. He told the janitor that she was his baby sister and that he was driving her home. Best excuse ever.

Finn just looks at her, almost dumbfounded. "What for?" He realizes that his tone comes across as ruder than he expected, judging by how she seems to retreat back into herself and look upset. "I mean, Rach, there's not a lot you need to be sorry for."

She just looks at him and apologizes for breaking up with him, and she tells him that she's stupid and how she's obviously not worth anything to him if she's willing to break up with him as easily as she had and she's okay with all of this, and Finn stops her right before she's about to burst into tears.

Something's wrong with her. He may be broken up with her, but he knows how to read someone's emotions. Especially Rachel's.

They're alone and he knows that she's so vulnerable right now, so he can ask her whatever he wants to ask her. At least he wants to be able to. He wants to be able to ask her why she broke up with him in the first place because it's ever been absolutely clear to him – not that anything has.

So he does, and it takes him all of the courage he can possibly muster up. She sits on a nearby bench, right in front of the painting of her at the piano. He wonders if she knows that it's her.

She tells him about how she had moved to New York right after graduating from high school, and how she had been accepted into some huge theatre academy in the city. She reminds him of his own story; a girl from the Midwest who was always doubted on her ability but made it to where she wanted to be, and where she finally felt like she was accepted. It makes him smile when she tells him the story, just because she seems so happy with herself. Her face lights up and he can tell that the story brings her this joy that nothing else can, because that's what she's always thought would be her outlook in life. Moving to New York and going to school and becoming a Broadway star before graduating.

Unfortunately, it wasn't the case with her.

She tells him how she fell in love with someone who was a junior her freshman year; Jesse St. James. She tells him that she starred in some production of Romeo & Juliet with him right away, and she fell in love with him. He treated her like a princess and told her that she was beautiful and had a voice to rival Bernadette Peters – and although Finn has no clue who Bernadette Peters is, he can still tell that it's a huge compliment.

He graduated before her and he told her that he would wait for her to finish school, pursuing his own Broadway career on his own. He eventually made it, the year she graduated, and she went to see him, saving up all of her money because Jesse had told her that he couldn't get her a complimentary ticket because 'the timing just wasn't right.'

Her path to success wasn't as easy as his when she graduated, she says. She and Jesse had already started to distance themselves a bit; Rachel trying to make a name for herself while Jesse had already become successful and spent his time around the beautiful and talented girls that had already managed to become actresses. She knew that he was growing apart from her whether she liked it or not, no matter how much she loved him. He was her first in nearly everything; her first love, her first time, her first real boyfriend.

She ended up finding the job at the Art Institute through a friend after she had auditioned for her twelfth show in a month with no luck. Not even a callback. It surprises Finn, because he thinks she's one of the most talented people he's ever seen. Her voice is gorgeous and she's really, really good, but his train of thought gets stopped when Rachel starts to cry. She wipes her eyes with her sleeve and sniffles a bit, looking up at Finn.

"He called me a whore," she says, her voice barely audible. "He said, 'you're just a slut who's selling herself because she can't get a real job.'" Her voice changes slightly, mocking the guy she says that she was so in love with. She bends over and cries into her hands, her mascara running as hot tears spring to her eyes. "And I told him I was sorry and that it was the only job I could find that would let me live in the apartment I was living in, and how it's not as horrible as he thought it was, and he hit me."

Finn feels his heart stop. He hit her? Some asshole actually had the nerve to hit her?

Rachel looks up from her hands and she's practically shaking, her spindly fingers running through her hair and pushing it out of her eyes. "And he says, 'I could never date a slut who's willing to sit in a room and show a bunch of random guys what belongs to me.'" Her voice cuts in and out through her sobs, making Finn look down at her, eyes wide.

She tells him that this treasure of a boyfriend didn't stop at telling her how much of a slut she was. Rachel sighs and starts to tell him how he had said that she 'would have a much easier time starting a career if she fixed her physical appearance, and that would start by losing ten pounds, five of those pounds being lost from her nose.'

"He was the only person I had ever fallen in love with," she says, wiping her nose. "And he ruined me, and when I had to go back to work at the Art Institute… I was worried you would treat me the same way. I'm so sorry."

Her sobs echo in the large exhibition room, making her think she sounds pathetic and worthless. She tells him this and Finn can't believe his ears. Whoever this prick is, he's fucked Rachel up, and in a way where he almost feels like he can't turn things around for her and make her feel better about herself. It makes him remember how silent she had been when they had first met, how she never wanted to talk to him and was so aloof.

Finn sits next to her on the bench and wraps his arms around her, unsure of what he's supposed to do. He strokes her hair for a moment and rubs her back, holding her close, because he feels like it's the only way to keep himself from breaking down.

"Rachel," he starts, feeling himself begin to choke up. "Rachel, none of that stuff that guy said was true, alright? And I would never, ever hit you, or think you were horrible for doing what you do for a living." He moves his hand to wipe his nose and Rachel still hasn't looked up from her hands, still crying.

Finn manages to muster up a small amount of courage that he hopes blossoms and grows in the next fifteen seconds.

"Do you know why I loved you?" He asks her, standing up and wiping his hands off on his pants. "You gave me so much inspiration, Rachel, so much want to paint and draw and capture that light you have, whatever it is, just so everyone could see it." He sighs, looking around at the painting on the wall for a minute. "And all of these paintings… these paintings are all you, Rach."

Rachel looks up from her hands and continues to cry, hiccupping sobs filling the room.

He points to the one behind her of her at the piano, the one of her looking at Bentley and talking to him like he's her best friend, the one of her asleep and lying in bed, how he would see her most mornings.

"Without you, Rach, I wouldn't be doing any of this. I wouldn't have a job, and I wouldn't be showing my paintings to all of New York at an exhibit like this." Finn walks over to her and gets down on his knees so he's at eye level with her on the bench, taking her hand in his.

"I love you, Rachel," he admits to her, tears springing to his eyes. "I fell in love with you and I can't fall out of love with you, and I just want you to know that." She looks him in the eyes and her own tears continue, not bothering to stop from her first outburst. He clears his throat and grabs her hand tighter, shaking as he speaks to her.

"I've never met a girl that's as beautiful as you, and that's as funny as you, and that's just so… that's so wonderful to be around as you, Rachel." He brings a hand up to her face, gingerly wicking her tears away from her eyes. "And anyone who ever tells you otherwise is just an asshole."

Great. Try to be romantic and he ends his big speech with a classy word like asshole.

He swallows thickly and stands up, turning around as he walks away from her.

"You're rubbing your neck again," she says, her voice weak from her tears. Finn notices that his hand is stuck to the back of his neck like glue, and he's rubbing it. "You always rub your neck when you're nervous."

He turns around and she's walking towards him, a smile masked with tears on her face.

"I love you too," she admits, meeting him and taking his hands in hers. "I've always loved you."

And she kisses him, and he kisses her back, his arms finding their way around her waist.

He's never been happier.

xxvi.

She looks at him and bites down on her lip, her hands trembling as they take his belt between her fingers.

He's only turned on the lamp that's closest to the doorway, but Rachel had managed to attack him with a kiss, one that weakened him at the knees and caused him to take her to the couch instead of his bed as he had originally planned.

He doesn't say anything and neither does she, just the occasional broken whisper of 'baby' or 'yes.' They're more concerned about their clothes coming off and being as close as possible than talking.

He walks behind her and feels the zipper of her dress, tugging it down her back until it falls off of her and she's standing in front of him in just her underwear. He kisses her down her back until she turns him around, pressing her chest into his.

Finn lays her down on the couch but she protests, flipping them over when she hits the couch cushion so she straddles his waist, and it turns into a fight on its own; Finn flipping her once more.

"No," he says, in a stern voice that comes across as a playful and fun one. She looks at him with her big brown eyes and he smiles, letting his fingers catch on the lace of her underwear. She gasps as his fingers trace against her hips and he presses kisses to her neck, her collar, her breasts, her stomach, until he reaches her hips.

She's got a gold star tattooed onto her hip.

He asks her where it's from because it sure wasn't there back when they were dating. He would know.

She giggles and it's the first time he's heard her giggle all night, sending chills down his spine. "I didn't want to work at the Art Institute anymore," she confesses, her voice somewhat shameful. "They make you sign this contract when you work there. No tattoos, no visible piercings, anything." She sighs and Finn looks up at her, pressing a kiss to the tattoo. It's not like it's that big. "I got fired the day I showed it to the art director."

He looks up at her, eyes wide. He wants to ask her where she works now, but he hears her laugh and push his head down between her legs and it's enough to make him lose it right then and there.

She's just about to tell him that she loves him one more time before she screams in delight at the feel of his tongue against her.

xxvii.

She's a waitress now at this little pizzeria in Queens, and she tells him that he should come see her sometime. He's sure that he would distract her if he showed up, but she tells him that it's fine and that no one would really mind; there's not much traffic to the pizzeria anyway.

She crawls into his arms before falling asleep on the couch, and Finn moves his arm around her waist, holding her close.

He really feels like he's fixed everything between them.

xxviii.

She moves in with him about three months after they reconcile; his apartment being roomier and fitting both her and her cat along with Finn and Bentley. Finn's more worried at first about their pets getting along, but Rachel tells him that as long as they get along, Bentley and Barbra will get along just fine.

"They'll see how much we love one another and they'll just follow suit," she says one night after dinner, the two of them sitting on the couch together. Boxes surround the entire apartment, mainly consisting of Rachel's clothes and kitchen utilities. He never would have guessed that she would be such a cooker, but she loves it. She has more pots and pans than he has things like a toaster or an oven. He didn't even know what a food processor was until Rachel moved in with him.

She makes delicious banana bread. That's his favorite thing to have her make him.

He knows that its vegan banana bread, but he doesn't say anything to her. It kind of surprises him when he finds out how much it tastes like it's been made with actual eggs and milk.

xxix.

She gets the news that she's cast in her first Broadway show on the same day that Finn learns that his paintings are going to be featured at some enormous exhibit in Manhattan. Rich people are going to be going there and they all want to buy his paintings, and it makes him so unbelievably happy that he doesn't know where to pull from to find his happiness about Rachel fulfilling her dreams as well.

He does, though. He always does.

She's going to be Fanny Brice in the new revival of Funny Girl, and the Broadway community is already buzzing about how great she's going to be and all Rachel can do is beam about it and tell Finn that she's beyond excited.

She tells him that she's excited for him, too. All she wants is the world for him and that's enough for him.

She's enough for him.

xxx.

Finn picks Rachel up in his arms after her show. It's the first time he's been able to go throughout her entire run due to his exhibit, but he doesn't really mind. She's told him not to come until tonight, anyway.

She's sorry that she hasn't been able to make his exhibit, but she tells him that she will this upcoming Monday. Her performance is garnering her rave reviews and it's hard for her to take a day off – not that Rachel Berry wants to take a day off from performing.

Finn tells her that he's thrilled for her to come, but he really doesn't mind all too much. His exhibit, is, after all, and always will be her.

She's let him start painting again.

She's his muse.