Little lies…
Standing on the bridge, Dean looked into Sam's pain-filled eyes.
Sam's pain hurt him so much to see, but he couldn't, he wouldn't let Sam take on the burden he carried inside. The pain of Hell, the shame of what he'd done…what his weakness had lead him to do…He was so ashamed, sickened by the actions he had wrought with his own two hands. He hated himself for being so weak, for doing terrible things just to save himself. He could never let Sam know….he couldn't stand the thought of Sam looking at him, seeing the monster he really was….
"Sam…I won't lie to you anymore, but I won't tell you about Hell either…that's my burden to carry…."
Sam saw how hard it was for Dean to even tell him that much… He knew Dean…Inside Dean was torturing himself, killing a little piece of himself at a time. His pain was tearing him apart, and all Dean could think about was sparing his little brother….Dammit Dean…
Sam had to look away. He couldn't look at Dean knowing all the things he had done while Dean was in Hell. Knowing Dean had suffered so terribly because of him…He was the reason Dean was so broken…so lost. He had caused his brother's damnation and he would never forgive himself for that. He thought about what he had done…with Ruby…using his powers…trying to kill himself by letting Lilith kill him…He would have traded places with Dean…he wanted to…he wished with all his heart he could have…He deserved Hell…he deserved to die…not Dean….
Sam and Dean met eyes…the pain inside radiating through...
It was always in their minds, the little lies, the secrets they held inside to spare one another. They were there. Always crouching in their minds like a cat stalking its prey, waiting to pounce… Always there, searing through their every thought…the other's pain twisting their own pain and torment, killing them by inches from the inside out…