A/N: Just an idea I had about what might be running through Fakir's head in episode 12 when Duck is pulling him along in that underwater passageway. It didn't come out on paper as well as it did in my head, but it is what it is.
Disclaimer: The only Princess Tutu I own is my DVD box set.
Learning to Try
He remembered being told once, in a voice he dimly thought had been his mother's, that when you give up for long enough you forget how to try. What she had neglected to tell him, or had maybe never known herself, was that if you give up for long enough you forget you had ever given up in the first place.
It was not that there was something wrong with his memory. He knew that when he was younger he had laughed and smiled, been warm and caring and open. These were not traits that would describe him anymore, and the concept of being open with anyone was so completely foreign it was a bit terrifying. Being so different now than he had been before meant something had to have changed him at some point, but whenever he sought to justify these changes he always thought it was a product of growing up, not giving up.
He had been aware that he was giving up when it happened. He had watch Mytho rush inside the burning house that day and had been so scared of death, of Mytho dying that day and of his own gruesome death which loomed far larger on a closer horizon than it ever had before. And in the face of that fear he gave up, not on protecting Mytho, never that, but he gave up on being a real knight, loyal and true and brave. He remembered crying, tears of sorrow and anger and shame, as he gave up on his dream.
For a long time he had clung to that knowledge, as if knowing that he had given up could take away the shame of it. Eventually though the voices in the back of his head, whispered that he had not given up out of fear, it was just easier this way, easier to protect Mytho. And as soon as he fell into this comforting lie the voices seemed to change their minds. It was not just easier this way, but better. As long as he could force Mytho around, as long as he kept Mytho from getting his heart back he could keep Mytho safe. And slowly his memories of giving up sunk deep down into the back corners of his mind.
And there they had stayed, until now. He could pretend that it was Mytho's desire to regain his heart that changed his mind, and perhaps to others he would, but he would not lie to himself again. It was a flash of red hair, a depth of blue eyes, and a brush of yellow feathers that had done it. He had met someone who never gave up, and his memories had responded in kind.
His mother had been right about one thing though. He had given up so long ago that he wasn't sure he knew how to be a real knight anymore, how to keep trying. Then he felt the tug of the small hand in his and thought to himself, perhaps, he could learn.