They Everyday Joe's Guide to surviving in the horror genre.
by Orean Gunshin.
Diclaimer if it sounds like it comes from a movie or whatever I don't own it.
This is a parody of a few things. One that worst case scenario show, The Hitchhikers Guide to the
Galaxy Series, and most survival handbooks.
* * * * *
Orean: Welcome traveller you reading this because...
A: You are curious.
B: You are actually under attack by the paranormal.
C: You are doing research.
D: You are paranoid of these sitautions actually happening.
E: You just want to see what I'm ranting about.
Orean: Anyways, I'll go over a few sitiuations that you would come across in the various horror
movies and shows. I'll also tell you how to prepare and avoid these situations. Lol let's begin.
* * * *
A young woman walks out of a club. She gets into her car. She pulls away and drives toward her
home. She takes a shortcut through the woods. However, the car stalls out. The woman, we'll call
her Michaelia, gets out and can't figure out what's wrong. So she decides to walk home from
there. Oh no! A child of the night stalks her from the shadow. All the vampire does is wait
until...
"Eek!", screams Michaelia. She fell over a stump. The vampire finishes her off before she
recovers from the fall.
* * * *
Orean: OK, that is your typical midnight snack for a vampire. Let's see a not so typical snack
for your little friend. After that I'll show you not to be type one.
* * * *
An hour later a blonde, who we will call "Muffy", walks out of the club. She gets into her car
and drives to a similar spot in the forrest. Her car also breaks down. Muffy gets out and waits.
She calls a tow truck on her cell. She promptly ducks the vampires lunge, kicks it a few times,
then jabs a sharp wooden instrument into it's heart.
* * * *
Orean: That was a scenario that is a nightmare for vampires. However, you can't be that good in
real life. So we'll analyze the first scenario.
1. Mistake one "She takes a shortcut through the woods." It's night, for one, and for two it's a
natural hangout for evil entities. Don't go there.
2. Mistake two. She got out of her car to walk home. Don't do that! It's like holding up a sign
that says: EAT ME I'M NICE AND TENDER!!! Don't go out alone into the woods. Especially if you are
female.
3. The last mistake. She tripped on a stump. How do you miss that walking down a road? OK, just
watch where you step.
One last tip try to start the car again. You should try not to leave the car. Oh yeah and get a
cellphone.
* * * * *
Orean: OK that was a traditional sitiuation in modern horror. You know the basics of it. So you
know what not to do. OK. We'll do a second scenario. This is quite common, but not as often as the
first.
* * * *
A couple is at a local "hotspot" in a car. It's a classic spot. You know, on a hill, overlooking
the city, and a quait little forrest or park close by.
They are alone, of course. The boy is willing, but the girl is nervous. They hear a noise. The
boy ignores the sound and tries to get his groove on. The noise goes off again. The girl is
scared. Annoyed, the boys gets out to investigate.
The boy is annoyed and not thinking with the brain. He goes out behind the car. He is slaughtered
by the masked blade wielding psycho. The girl hears his screams. She goes out to see the cause.
She notices the bloody blade and runs away screaming. The killer chases her through the forrest.
The girls is caught on a branch. The killer finds her. Let's not get into the details.
* * * *
Orean: Umm right... So that was a rather gross one. We already can assume what would have
happened with "Muffy" and her date "Nigel". So we'll analyze this scenario.
1. Mistake one. Sex attracts two things; monsters and costume wearing killers. OK don't have sex
unless heavily armed or in a group of people.
2. Mistake two. Don't get out of the car. You have no defense. Unless you are a wrestler or some
sort martial artist or weapons freak. I mean guys in movies are just pansies. Well average guys
are anyways.
3. Mistake three. The girl puts herself in danger by following the boy. Just scoot into the
driver's seat and turn the car around. Or look in the rear view mirror.
4. Last mistake. She ran away. It's like Jurassic Park. Psychos hunt based on movement. Thus, a
dramatic Samurai Stare Down leaves them helpless.
* * * * *
Orean: Those are basic scenarios. Though you'll only see one most likely in Sunnydale. In my next
section I'll teach you how to make a basic Sunnydale Survival Kit. If you have any movie or
scenarios that need analysiss. The kit will be followed by basic horror survival tips, and then a
reviewer FAQ or Q&A or something along those lines.
by Orean Gunshin.
Diclaimer if it sounds like it comes from a movie or whatever I don't own it.
This is a parody of a few things. One that worst case scenario show, The Hitchhikers Guide to the
Galaxy Series, and most survival handbooks.
* * * * *
Orean: Welcome traveller you reading this because...
A: You are curious.
B: You are actually under attack by the paranormal.
C: You are doing research.
D: You are paranoid of these sitautions actually happening.
E: You just want to see what I'm ranting about.
Orean: Anyways, I'll go over a few sitiuations that you would come across in the various horror
movies and shows. I'll also tell you how to prepare and avoid these situations. Lol let's begin.
* * * *
A young woman walks out of a club. She gets into her car. She pulls away and drives toward her
home. She takes a shortcut through the woods. However, the car stalls out. The woman, we'll call
her Michaelia, gets out and can't figure out what's wrong. So she decides to walk home from
there. Oh no! A child of the night stalks her from the shadow. All the vampire does is wait
until...
"Eek!", screams Michaelia. She fell over a stump. The vampire finishes her off before she
recovers from the fall.
* * * *
Orean: OK, that is your typical midnight snack for a vampire. Let's see a not so typical snack
for your little friend. After that I'll show you not to be type one.
* * * *
An hour later a blonde, who we will call "Muffy", walks out of the club. She gets into her car
and drives to a similar spot in the forrest. Her car also breaks down. Muffy gets out and waits.
She calls a tow truck on her cell. She promptly ducks the vampires lunge, kicks it a few times,
then jabs a sharp wooden instrument into it's heart.
* * * *
Orean: That was a scenario that is a nightmare for vampires. However, you can't be that good in
real life. So we'll analyze the first scenario.
1. Mistake one "She takes a shortcut through the woods." It's night, for one, and for two it's a
natural hangout for evil entities. Don't go there.
2. Mistake two. She got out of her car to walk home. Don't do that! It's like holding up a sign
that says: EAT ME I'M NICE AND TENDER!!! Don't go out alone into the woods. Especially if you are
female.
3. The last mistake. She tripped on a stump. How do you miss that walking down a road? OK, just
watch where you step.
One last tip try to start the car again. You should try not to leave the car. Oh yeah and get a
cellphone.
* * * * *
Orean: OK that was a traditional sitiuation in modern horror. You know the basics of it. So you
know what not to do. OK. We'll do a second scenario. This is quite common, but not as often as the
first.
* * * *
A couple is at a local "hotspot" in a car. It's a classic spot. You know, on a hill, overlooking
the city, and a quait little forrest or park close by.
They are alone, of course. The boy is willing, but the girl is nervous. They hear a noise. The
boy ignores the sound and tries to get his groove on. The noise goes off again. The girl is
scared. Annoyed, the boys gets out to investigate.
The boy is annoyed and not thinking with the brain. He goes out behind the car. He is slaughtered
by the masked blade wielding psycho. The girl hears his screams. She goes out to see the cause.
She notices the bloody blade and runs away screaming. The killer chases her through the forrest.
The girls is caught on a branch. The killer finds her. Let's not get into the details.
* * * *
Orean: Umm right... So that was a rather gross one. We already can assume what would have
happened with "Muffy" and her date "Nigel". So we'll analyze this scenario.
1. Mistake one. Sex attracts two things; monsters and costume wearing killers. OK don't have sex
unless heavily armed or in a group of people.
2. Mistake two. Don't get out of the car. You have no defense. Unless you are a wrestler or some
sort martial artist or weapons freak. I mean guys in movies are just pansies. Well average guys
are anyways.
3. Mistake three. The girl puts herself in danger by following the boy. Just scoot into the
driver's seat and turn the car around. Or look in the rear view mirror.
4. Last mistake. She ran away. It's like Jurassic Park. Psychos hunt based on movement. Thus, a
dramatic Samurai Stare Down leaves them helpless.
* * * * *
Orean: Those are basic scenarios. Though you'll only see one most likely in Sunnydale. In my next
section I'll teach you how to make a basic Sunnydale Survival Kit. If you have any movie or
scenarios that need analysiss. The kit will be followed by basic horror survival tips, and then a
reviewer FAQ or Q&A or something along those lines.