oneshot
Put into perspective by: neverbenormal
realquicknote this wasn't written particularly for Tomoyo and Eriol, but you can just imagine. I wrote this after I finished reading Foxmask, a book by Juliet Marillier. Though, of all the books, this will have to be the least favored, I am in love with the books that this authoress composes. Every single book she has written has found its way creeping into my favorite books list. Foxmask, though I cannot, in my opinion, compare to her other books, is still a very well written book. All of her writings, on some level or another are absolutely astonishing. Go read it with my great urgency. Actually, if you plan on reading the book and you're very good at inferring things, you might not want to read this. It will ruin the ending for you. (Foxmask is a sequel to Wolfskin)
Your voice sang a song that merried the days. Your shadow followed like the moon followed the sun. Your understanding and the refusal to judge me even in the darkest hours....
All simply faded. Disintegrated like specks of dust on a rainy afternoon. Such ill doings I have done that drove you away, such ill doings I cannot mend neither with time or forgiveness. Such hurts I have bestowed upon you, my dearest of all companions, and such loss you have endured by my hand.
And yet, you, my only steadfast soldier, stood by my side when all was black and hopeless. You, who have suffered from every known ailment of mind and heart, would have loved me nonetheless if circumstances were.
But what I regarded as limitless has been falsely denied and has come to the end. To ask you to continue would be murder on my hands. It would be the death of you. You have been broken, the shards scarred too deep, the pain surpassed all knowing. My selfish ambitions; the cause of our bitter ending.
For sixteen springs and winters, I have been blessed to grow up with you. You know me. You have loved me. No one knew me as sure as you. Not even myself. You believed that I was the only man to ever have his place in your heart for those long sixteen years. But as my father's son, my objective would have nothing in the way.
And so I conspired to leave and evermore, you snuck by next to me, facing dangers I would never have thought to put you through. Again.
Oh dear friend, the Unspoken goddess, the flames of my passion are far too great. I have fallen into the footsteps of the man I strived to be not. And even that man is himself no longer. The dire blood that runs ruthless in my veins. The journey failed us. Failed your past dream of our eternal binding. Had I known to see you then, I would not be regretting your departure for another to replace me at this moment.
I want to kill him. I want to burn him. I want to wretch out his heart as my father had done so cruelly to the countless in the short time he captured the crown. I want to gouge out your lover's eyes so he could not see the infinite of your beauty in the darkness. I want to cut him up limb for limb so he cannot feel your thin and frail body held up sweetly against him. I want to do everything, anything to satisfy the bitterness and loss of the fair-haired angel. Just to even the scores of having you slip through my fingers.
But I cannot. This is the one ambition I would have to force myself to loose. You said that you pitied the woman I would marry for she would always be second, or even third after my purposes and myself. Do you still hold me to that? I am giving up this aspiration for the sole intention of your happiness. The happiness that could have been you and me.
Do you not believe that I have not pondered the many ways to get you back to me?
But, how could I, of all people, kill you again?
To make you love me... it is far beyond recall.
A tiny trinket of boundless value lost in the sea of my blindness to your abandoned unconditional love. The irony of it... to love you only when I have lost you. To love you only when that love and friendship has crumbled under the foundations of the earth.
How long had you meant to wait until the clouds shifted and I could see your brightness imprinted in my mind? How long would you have sat in a foreign land to wait for your rescue? How long...
Before you would give up on me for one you loved through pity and admiration?
I tell you the one truth I can summon within myself and that is: There is only you. One you. No other like you. No other who will understand me with the depth that you possess. No one with the beauty that will replace yours finally etched in my memories.
The you that I cannot redeem.
I am sorry. To you most of all and to myself. Sorry for the boy who could have had it all in peace.
The boy who could have possessed the greatest treasure of all.
The boy who, distinctively, could have won your love.
One cannot fathom the endless regret that burns alight everyday I wake up to realize you are there, but eternally gone from my side. Even you, after all the trials you have undergone and succeeded, can never grasp the irony and the erudition of knowing there is one person alive and well in the arms of contentment while you are barred from that one person inevitably.
I fear it is the end, my steadfast soldier. There is no hope. No hope of you ever loving me the way you had for nearly two decade. I'm afraid this time, not even you of all who loved or had loved me, can understand this. What regrets could you have? Is love not enough? You have it. Both your chosen and mine.
What I would do to have your forgiveness. What I would do to turn back time. What I wouldn't do to have you not give up on me. You were that. My anchor, the one that kept me on the ground. That was what, perhaps, hurt the most. You, the person who had such faith in me and who never gave up on me, did give up on me in the end. In the end when someone else had touched you. In the end when I had half-forgotten you, in my land of war leaders, and heard of your unimaginable death. In the end when I sat alone on that cliff and felt the desperate wanting of your comfort. To forgive my errors.
But I've learned never to say "never". I've learned what it is to open up. Before, you had been the only one privileged, a person could say, to hear any thoughts I confided and shielded from the world, but now, I'm stronger. Stronger from what you have given me. Or is it, what you haven't given me?
You are right in one thing. The woman I marry will always be held second in my heart. Second in my mind. Second after the light. Second after my only. Above all, second after you.
For whatever wishes you would for me to go on and leave you behind, it will result to no avail. I live through you. I live until you find it time to wither and then I will follow.
Follow as you had done so long ago.
authorsnote this was sorta/kinda bittersweet? I don't know, the ending was pretty bittersweet. It was a good story. It was just Juliet Marillier's other books were even better. It's sad. Anyways, as always.... Post something. Even if to yell at me to update A Separate Face (if anyone is still reading that thing. Hahaha. I have some ideas... I just need the transition for the story. As soon as school settles down a bit, I'll try to resume on that. If you haven't noticed... my oneshots aren't that long so I can manage them.) I'm really bad at dialogue, so I tried doing "p.o.v's," but I'm not very talented in that area... which basically means, my writing is hopeless. I think it was A Separate Face in which... it goes from narrative/one-person view to third person. Yea.. I was experimenting on that one. If I ever finish the story, I'll try to go back and fix and re-edit it. So as always, REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW. It's been so long since I had one that I think... I'm going into depression. Even if it's bad, just say something, people. Hahaha.