Cap'n Bollocko had nine testicles. They were far too big to fit into his pants. Like really basketball big. Poor Ol' Cap'n Bollocko couldn't find any pants to fit his ludicrous form. "Oh woe is me!" Said Cap'n Bollocko, "I cannae find no pants to fit me big bollix!" He said in his Scotsman accent. So he went around naked and got laughed at by his pirate crew. He had another problem. His giant testicles kept getting caught in the rigging of the ship and he kept getting hoisted up the mast by his basketballs. So Cap'n Bollocko decided to tie his testicles behind his back with a string. But the string kept snapping and the testicles kept being catapulted into his face and knocking him out. Both with their sheer impact and their smell. Plus having his bollocks tied between his legs made his hips dislocate and made him walk like he was riding a gigantic horse. It also made it hard for him to function when he had to go to the toilet because the balls would get into the way and he'd end up peeing and pooping all over himself. It was especially bad when he got diarrhea which was frequently as he didn't have a good diet and ate too many moldy crackers which made him get stomach problems. He would have violent diarrhea all over his testicles and then be unable to wash them properly because they're too big and he can't reach.
This meant that he couldn't get laid very often and all the pirate women wouldn't touch him with a barge pole because they had better taste. They also did not want to die by being crushed under the weight of such massive balls. It would've been a waste of their time though to even try and have sex with Cap'n Bollocko because despite the amazingly big size of his nutsacks his dong was actually tiny and he wouldn't have been able to push it far enough into a woman's pussy to please her!
So amazing Cap'n Bollocko said his goodbyes and set out to sea to commit suicide. He threw himself overboard on the middle of the Caribbean Sea and waited for death...but disaster struck! His huge nuts acted like a life raft and their buoyancy kept him afloat until he made landfall at the tip of Florida. Their awful smell along with the stench of his dong kept sharks and other evil fish away too. Cap'n Bollocko was so distressed that he vowed to live a lonely life for the rest of his days and went to live on an uninhabited island away from anyone who could laugh at his nutsacks. He died three years later when his balls became so large that they suffocated him in his sleep whilst growing. This is why we should be grateful for what we have rather than wishing we were larger. Because you wouldn't want to end up like Cap'n Bollocko.
The end.