Owns: NBC, Sorkin and Wells, not mine.
Notes: Is in canon with my On The Road With Danny Concannon Series - but can be read as a seperate story.
CHARACTERS: CJ, Danny, Toby.
TIME: 2013 / Post Series Story
SNOWING IN MICHIGAN – A Christmas Story
A Christmas Gift for Stephanie
Featuring the songs: Marching On by One Republic & I Will Wait by Mumford & Son
And I came home, like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of darkness
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun
And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Know my ground
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
I will wait for you
I Will Wait – Mumford & Son
A FEW CHRISTMAS' AGO
"Oh, look at youuu…" CJ 's voice squealed an octave up and she smiled, as she lifted a young picture of Danny out of the shoe box on her lap.
"What is that, where did you find that?" Danny remarked slowly, as he walked into the kitchen and over to the refrigerator.
"A shoe box…"
"I never got around to putting them in an album…"
CJ leafed through the other pictures in the box. "I was looking for some ornaments in the guest room." She sighed at the next picture she took from the box. "Look at you… I wish I'd known you back then."
"Really?"
"Yeah." She looked up at her husband. "I really do," she said through pursed lips.
"You really don't." Danny handed CJ a glass of water and opened a beer for himself. He tossed the cap on the kitchen table and leaned against it.
"Don't say that," she said hurt, on his behalf.
"I wasn't ready yet. See, you didn't want to know me. I was a different person, not a bad person, just not finished cooking yet. Everything I did led me up to you." Danny leaned in and kissed his wife. "If I'd met you back then I'd botched it up – big time." He smiled. "I wasn't ready for you." He leaned in and ran his hand over her pregnant belly. "And I sure as hell wasn't ready for this." He looked at her calmly. "Now is the perfect time." He kissed her on the lips quickly.
"I never wanted to admit it back then, but there was something… something about you when you walked onto that campaign bus..." She ran her fingers over his chin and beard.
"I did know that. And I spent the next ten years convincing you." His eyes glittered.
"Only nine."
"But who's counting." He smirked.
"Your never gonna let me live that down, are you?"
"Never." He kissed her again and smiled. "Why do you think I knocked you up?"
CJ hit him lightly on the side of the arm.
"Hey now, no need for violence." He took a few steps backwards and put his hands up.
"If I could get up I'd come after you."
"Just try," he laughed and walked backwards out of the kitchen, disappearing with his beer.
"And ya know, it takes two people to knock me up, ya know... I mean... yeah... that... well... you know what I mean."
"Aptly put!" he shouted from the other room.
"Danny?" She didn't get an answer "Danny, I'm seriously I can't get up. Danny?" She waited. "Danny!" she almost cried. "This isn't funny!"
Danny came running playfully into the kitchen minus his beer. "I was kidding. I was kidding."
"Do not kid around. I'm carrying your child here."
"Here we go..." He took her hands. "I'd have the child if I could myself, you know that."
CJ came to her feet. "Really now?" she smirked. They both laughed and grinned at each other.
"See… " He smiled even harder at her. "Now is the perfect time. I think you got to me at the perfect time."
THE PRESENT - 2013 ~ 15 days to Christmas ~ Columbia University, NYC.
A plane broke the silent air of the New York City skyline above the Columbia University campus, reminding those on the ground only one week until their Christmas breaks, to perhaps warmer locations, and two and a half weeks to Christmas itself. Toby Ziegler made his way out of one of the lecture hall buildings leaving one of his few graduate level classes behind him: Issues and Debates In American Politics, and into the cold December day. Kids with school bags and ear buds tangling from their heads and hats raced past him in droves. There was no snow on the ground, but the light grey skies ablaze with holiday decorations made one's mind go directly to old Christmas tunes and Nat King Cole songs.
Toby made his way a small distance around campus and found himself at the main gate.
"You done with finals yet, Mr. Ziegler?" One of the guards manning the gate asked him, while he warmed his hands around a cup of coffee.
"Never done," Toby grumbled with a smirk, as this was a man Toby actually enjoyed conversing with.
"Humm, slight grumble, I'd say two more left?" he joked.
"Three."
"Someone got the short end of the stick on that one," he sneered.
"You have no idea…" Toby opened the door to another building with his back. "Say hello to Alice and the kids…" Toby stopped, as if he had remembered something. "Oh, I almost forgot." Toby walked back to the guard and took a bottle of scotch with a red bow out of his leather messenger bag. "Merry Christmas," he said with a dry irony and no hint what-so-ever that the gesture gave him the joy it did.
The man smiled at the Johnny Walker Blue Label. "I swear, Mr. Ziegler, every year the more kids in your class terrified of failing your courses the better swag I get from you. They must be frightened to death of you in that class room."
"Who says I'm not doing it on purpose." His eyes danced.
The guard nodded his head with a smile and chuckled to himself.
Toby made his way past his assistant's desk, a large woman with a constant sour look on her face. She was about seventy, with red hair, and glasses that hung around her neck. She and Toby got along like a house on fire.
"Ms. Maxwell." Toby said as a pleasantry and proceeded into his office.
Sitting on Toby's desk were three more bottles of Johnny Walker Blue with red bows and one box of chocolates with a blue blow.
"Your ex-wife called!" Ms Maxwell yelled from her desk.
Toby took off his winter coat and hung it on the coat rack in the corner. "Andi?!" He took a stack of finals out of his leather messenger bag and threw them on his desk with a slam. He then stood behind his desk not looking happy to correct them.
"Yeah!" she shouted from the outer office. "She said she called your cell… something about Christmas plans."
In that moment, Toby remembered he had forgotten to check his messages after class. He put his hands to both his jacket pockets and felt for his phone – finding it in his left hand jacket pocket. He saw he had two messages. Toby dialed his voice mail while he took his scarf off and hung it on the coat rack with his coat and then listened to his first message. It was when Toby made the short trip back to his desk that he stopped cold behind it. His face went ashen and his focus seemed to become laser sharp. He turned off the phone and as if someone had hit the rewind button Toby made a bee line back to his coat rack and began to re-dress for the outdoors. Within moments Toby was dressed, his phone back in his pocket and had his leather bag ready to go.
"Hi… Toby… it's me… CJ… I guess… I thought… I wasn't sure, you must still be in class…" her voice sounded overwrought and strained, as if she had been crying.
Toby grabbed the finals from his desk, stuffed them into his leather messenger bag and exited his office.
"Ms Maxwell, " he said calmly. "I'm going to need you to find a substitute for my last three finals."
"Mr. Ziegler, you can't do that," she said with a question like lilt.
"I think I just did." He went for the door.
"I guess I called because I needed someone to talk to… I don't know…Danny… he… he… he ahh…collapsed…this morning…"
Toby walked out the front of the Columbia University's main gate and hailed himself a cab.
"Sarah, one of our babysisters… nanny… found him – Kat wasn't with her - she came back, I don't know, for her sweater or… Kat was at a friend's… it's not important."
Toby was dropped off, in the rain, at the JFK airport. He paid the driver and went into the terminal.
"They're prepping him for surgery and I just… I didn't want to sit here alone. I just needed someone to talk to… you."
Toby purchased a ticket with his coat over his left arm.
"Now, I know you're gonna wanna come out. Don't come. You have…ahh… People have open heart surgery all the time." There was a long pause.
Toby took himself through the terminal to his flight -non-stop to LAX. Since he had purchased a one way ticket with no real luggage he wasn't surprised when he was taken aside and his bag and person searched, he was lucky he made his flight.
"… Just talk to me…for a while… I just… need to hear your voice - I need to hear a friendly voice."
On the plane, Toby corrected some finales on a tray table.
"I was just… I don't know. You don't even have to say anything… I think I just need… someone to listen…"
UCLA MEDICAL CENTER ~ Santa Monica, CA
Toby let the cab drop him off at the hospital and he walked through the double sliding doors with a look of not much sleep. It was late.
Toby was directed by a nurse toward a waiting room. He found CJ deep in thought, curled up on a chair, still dressed in her work clothes. She didn't even know Toby was there until he was right next to her.
"Toby?" She sprung up, her eyes red and still moist with tears. She was in shock. "What are you doing here?" She sucked in her tears. "I told you not to come…" Her voice seemed guilty for his arrival, but also filled with happiness to see him – she was astonished, but also not surprised.
"What?" he asked plainly.
"I told you not to come…" Her voice went up at the end of her sentence.
"Oh…" He took a breath. "I didn't listen to the whole message," he said simply and out of breath.
CJ took in a breath and her head tilted to the side. She took another breath and she hugged Toby with all her might. "You came…."
"Yeah," he said as if to say "of course."
CJ and Toby sat in the low lit waiting room side by side. CJ had her feet tucked under herself. The room was almost dark except for the light of the TV shinning on their faces.
"How long has he been in surgery?"
"I don't know…" She looked off as if looking for a clock. "I can't remember – I keep losing things…" She looked at Toby. "When I called you I guess – hours – I think I've been here most of the day."
"Have you slept?"
"No…" Her eyes darted around.
"Where's Kat?" CJ didn't answer. "CJ, where's K.C… CJ… look at me…"
"Hummm?" She looked at him.
"Where's your daughter?"
CJ took a short pause before speaking that scared Toby. "She's…at home with Carol," she said like a question.
"Why isn't she here?"
"Ms. Cregg…" A female nurse came up to the two of them.
"Yes," CJ turned her entire body toward the nurse and sprung out of her seat. Toby stood too. "Is there news?" CJ folded her arms inward toward herself.
"No, I'm sorry. Ahh..." The nurse looked over at Toby. "Hello," she said, as if she didn't know if she could give out sensitive information.
"He's with me," CJ said abrasively, as if she was anticipating Toby being asked to leave.
"Really, Ms. Cregg, Mr…" She sounded young and uneasy, like this was her first rodeo.
"Ziegler."
"Oh… " The nurse tried to mask the fact that she knew the name. "The Doctor –Doctor Keever just wanted me to tell you there won't be updates for hours. It really is best that you go home – get some sleep. Come back with a clear head."
"No," CJ adjusted her folded arms and shook her head. "I'm fine here," she said defiantly.
The nurse looked awkward. "There's nothing you can do here-"The nurse didn't get to finish her sentence for CJ walked away and ignored her.
"I'll be sure she goes home," Toby said softly.
THE CONCANNON-CREGG HOUSEHOLD ~ Santa Monica, CA
Toby opened the door into CJ's house for her and then walked in first, holding the door open for CJ to enter. The house looked different from when Toby usually came to visit in that it looked more lived in – things laid about – it was obvious that CJ would clean before Toby would arrive. CJ walked in past Toby in a daze – it had been a long day.
"CJ?" Toby called her name and when she turned around toward him he dangled her keys in his hand. "Keys?"
"You can throw them on the table near the door," she said listlessly and walked past the foyer and down the small stairs into the living room area.
Toby did what he was told and followed CJ into the living room. "CJ…" She didn't answer him. "CJ…Your coat." He saw her looking at the Christmas tree.
"What?" She turned to look at him.
"Your coat – let me take your coat –" he said with a nurturing nature.
"I want a drink," she murmured and turned left in the direction of the kitchen, but only a few steps before she stopped cold, staring at the floor underneath her.
Toby followed, unsure what had caused CJ to stop and look down. When he reached her he followed her gaze with his own eyes to find what she had been viewing. On the floor, in front of CJ, was what looked like a broken Notre Dame mug and a puddle of coffee.
CJ took a breath and covered her mouth.
Toby put his hands on her shoulders and took a breath. "Go… I'll clean it up," Toby assured her.
"I'm fine," she said as if trying to convince herself. CJ took a breath before she leaned down and started to pick up the large pieces of the mug.
Toby leaned down and took her hand. "I can do this. Go sleep."
CJ picked up a smaller piece and put it in her palm and then picked up a larger one where she could make out most of the Notre Dame logo. She stared at it without saying a word.
"CJ…" She didn't look at him. Toby put his hand on her wrist and tried to get her to look at him with his eyes. "Give me the pieces."
CJ shook her head. "I need to call, Maisy… I should call Maisy. I don't want her to find out on TV."
"I can do that… who's Maisy?"
"Danny's old assistant… in D.C."
"I can do that."
Toby took the pieces of the mug from CJ's hand, she still didn't look at him, her eyes were filled with tears. CJ took a deep breath.
"Does Danny's family know?" Toby questioned.
"Yeah…" She looked at Toby. "They can't get out of the airport."
"Why?"
CJ looked at Toby blankly for a moment and Toby looked defenseless to help her emotional state. "It's snowing in Michigan." She stood up and walked away.
THREE YEARS BEFORE – The Bartlet Farmhouse, NH
Kids of former and current staffers alike ran round the farm house. Almost three year old Kat - or K.C, as she was also called - Concannon ran over to her mother and wrapped her small arms around CJ's long left leg. CJ and Danny were in the middle of a laugh at the expense of the speaker in the room. CJ ran her hand over her daughters head and Danny handed CJ his drink, before leaning down and taking the girl up into his arms. CJ kissed her daughter on the head once Danny had stood up and CJ was at face level with the little girl. The red headed child rested her head in her father's chest.
President Bartlet was in the middle of one of his funny nostalgia speeches, looking about the room at the reunion in front of him, a rare event. Even Donna, Josh and Sam had taken time from the White House to be there. This seemed to make Danny suspicious.
Danny noticed Josh nod his head to Sam from across the room. Sam took a breath and nodded at The President.
After a moment, CJ seemed to notice the interaction too. She leaned in and whispered to Danny. "What do you think that's about?"
"Showtime, I'd guess." He rolled his eye balls in her direction.
"Again? No way," she whispered back. "Nooo…' But one wasn't sure if she didn't believe or couldn't believe it was going to happen again.
And that was when Sam Seaborn announced in front of all his closest friends. This wasn't just a meeting of the minds for personal reasons it was a ruse for business reasons as well.
Sam smiled at his friends. "I thought going back to work at The White House meant I'd get something done. But I was quickly reminded it doesn't work that way." There was laugher in the room. "No offence to most of the people in this room…" He looked at President Bartlet.
"I take it as nothing but a compliment, Sam." President Bartlet nodded his head. "Continue." No one was more proud about Sam's announcement than President Bartlet himself.
"Well… I think maybe… I've buried the lead here, but when I ran for office I loved that I could listen and talk to the people of the community – I felt like I was really doing something. I loved that feeling. So…"
Everyone waited for him to say the words.
"As of next week I will be officially leaving The White House and running again for Senate in California."
The crowd went crazy. Josh smiled from ear to ear and clapped with his hands high, he roared and whistled.
CJ almost squealed and ran with the crowd of people to give Sam a hug and words of encouragement. Danny watched Josh walk away from a hug with Sam to take a phone call out onto the porch. He handed his daughter over to an eager Donna and congratulated Sam himself, but still kept his eye on Josh exiting out the back door.
Danny found Josh finishing a phone call on the back porch. He walked out, checked to see if anyone was behind him and let the screen door shut with a bang.
Josh put his phone back in his pocket and turned to see Danny holding a Cornea.
"Danny, hey, I didn't see you there," he said with a huge grin on his face.
"So you're running him aren't you?" Danny said, almost stoically.
"The Senate campaign…" he shook his head. "Nooo – I work at the White House -" Josh said the last word with pride, but Danny wouldn't let him finish his cover up story.
"You're running him," Danny said calmly.
Josh smiled and tried to find the words to deny it but he couldn't. He shook his head at Danny, how he always knew their secrets. "Yeah…" His face was serious.
"Next election cycle?"
"Yeah," Josh said flatly.
"Does Sam know?"
"He'll come around…" Josh grinned. "You can't say Sam running for President isn't –"
"Don't ask her," Danny stated, as if coming out of nowhere.
"What?"
"Don't ask her."
"Danny…"
"Local campaign is nothin', but when this goes national. I've done you a lot of favors Joshua Lyman. All I ask…" He put his hands out. "Just don't ask her."
"Okay, okay." He put his hands up. "I won't ask her."
"Thank you," Danny said softly and with feeling. He took a large swig of his beer and walked off the porch, leaving a perplexed Josh.
Danny walked back into the Bartlet House and took site of CJ who smiled at him from across the room, happy to be with her friends, happy to be with her family – Danny and her daughter.
THE PRESENT
CJ sat up against the wall of her bedroom, the sun was starting to rise. Her eyes were red and she looked straight ahead. She had changed into sweats, a Berkley T-shirt and a hooded jacket. Toby looked unhappy to find her staring at her bed and not in it.
"You told me you were going to sleep…" Toby scolded her.
"You should sleep…" she mocked him.
"I am afraid I have nothing to sleep in…" he joked back and stepped into the room.
"Borrow Danny's – he's not using 'um."
Toby took a breath and walked up to her. "I don't know how to respond to that, is that a joke?"
She looked up at him. "Who said I was looking for a response?"
He slowly got himself to the floor and when he was sitting he took in a breath.
"Getting old there, Toby."
"No, just my body." He leaned back against the wall and next to CJ.
"I know the feeling…" CJ didn't look at Toby.
"You need to sleep."
"We didn't make a will…" she bemused.
"I'm sorry?" Toby adjusted his position against the wall.
"We didn't make a will."
"Don't think about that now," he said gently.
"Now seems to be the time, doesn't it?" she asked almost sarcastically.
"Mommy…"came the small voice of Kathleen Cregg-Concannon, sleepy and confused, dressed in a long yellow night shirt, standing at the door to Danny and CJ's bedroom. She rubbed her right eye with her left hand.
"Kat, baby…what is it?" CJ's voice sounded harsh, but she meant it with all her love.
"I can't sleep…"
"Go to bed…" CJ said with concern and filled with fatigue.
"Where's Daddy?" K.C. scratched her head.
"I told you sweetie, he had to… go away on business." She took a breath. Toby looked at her in shock and CJ tried not latch onto his disapproving eyes, but it was hard. "Come here." CJ put her hand out and her daughter ran into her arms and hugged her hard. CJ hugged her back and took a breath. She could feel her daughter's heart beat against her own. CJ kissed her daughter's head and let her lips stay there for a moment. "You have a nice time with Carol?"
"Yess," Kat said soft and low. It wasn't like her daughter to be so shy and soft spoken, but then after all it was way past her bed time. "Where's Daddy?" she whined again.
"Go to bed, baby." CJ patted her on the back. "Have Uncle Toby take you..." Kat didn't move. "KC, go to bed." She didn't move. "You didn't say hello to your Uncle Toby."
Kat stood up and dryly looked at Toby. "Hi."
"Hi, kid."
Kat turned to her mother with tired eyes. "I want you to take me," she moaned and trailed off.
"Mommy's tried sweetheart, Mommy can't move her arms right now. Please, Toby will take you."
"Nooo," she said disappointed. "I'll go myself." And she walked past Toby and into the hallway.
"Will you…?" CJ motioned with her head.
"Yeah." And Toby disappeared.
After a moment, Toby came back into the room and shut the door. CJ stood up and put her hand on her forehead.
"I don't know what to do –" She walked away from Toby.
"With Kat?"
"With no will. I mean we kept saying we should make one when KC was born and we just didn't – things got in the way-"
"I think it'll be fine." he said as he watched her pace, feeling confused by her frenetic energy.
"We don't have plots. I think… I can talk to Danny's sister about that. Or maybe Frank can help us…"
"CJ-" he stressed.
"And you know what I can't stop trying to think of… the last time we did things... the last time he dropped Kat off from school, or I laughed at one of his jokes… the last time we had sex… and I can't remember…"
"CJ…Stop…" he emphasized, but she wasn't listening.
"I can't remember the last times-"
"CJ, stop it! You don't know if this is going to happen or not. Stop planning for something that hasn't happened yet!"
"Not gonna happen?!" She seemed to spring out of her stupor and look Toby directly in the eye. "Not gonna happen? Of course it is, Toby. This is me we're talking about. Me. Remember me? I fall into bodies of water and into most disasters head first. Everything good in my life comes with some kind of… caveat. My whole life is a giant loop hole." She put her hand on her side. "Let's just look at it, don't we? I'm finally successful at what I always wanted to do, only to have to sacrifice everything in my personal life, including time with my own father and by the end of it is I'm so drained – they almost have to carry me out of that place on a stretcher . And along the way I lose all the people around me who made that job worth anything. You, Leo, Josh – they all go away." She took a breath. "New York…." She put her hand on her head for a moment. "And then finally… FINALLY! After years of not being together, years of hard work, I get to retire off into the perfect job, jump off a cliff into my own agenda for a change - with a guy who gets me, I mean really gets me and what happens? What happens!? I get pregnant! I accidentally get….pregnant!? And not that I don't love that kid more than life itself, but that is not a vacation or walking into the sunset by any means, Toby. You don't think this is gonna happen? That I'm not gonna… that I'm not on the precipice of losing the love of my life - finally after finding him, after all those wasted years we weren't together. All that wasted time. Well, then, Toby, you sure haven't been paying attention, have you? Have you!?" Her head almost shook. "Tell the man what he's won. " She took a moment and gave Toby her back before turning to the side and holding in her tears. "This is the pattern... this is what happens to me. It's my MO. 'Life is what happens when you're making other plans', "she bemused the last line. "My mistake was I forgot for a moment… I had plans…" Her voice broke, "We had plans." Her tears started to seep through and she got a lump in her throat "And that is when it gets you." She took a breath and regained her strength "So, don't tell me what I will or won't do to protect myself and my family. You can't tell me not to prepare." She took a breath. "So I'm ready. " CJ sat down on the bed and softly sobbed, it was the first time that night Toby saw her completely lose it.
Toby almost lost it himself, seeing his best friend reduced to dust. He sat down on the bed next to her and let her cry on his shoulder. After a moment, CJ lifted her head and Toby rubbed her back for a minute, while she took in a few small breaths. It was like the breaking of the damn gave her a sense of calm for a moment. Toby waited for CJ to speak.
"The news says it's snowing in Michigan," she laughed through her tears for a flash and smiled bitter sweetly.
"You said that…" Toby didn't know where this was going.
"Danny loved to keep an eye out for that. He said it meant it was officially Christmas." Toby handed CJ a handkerchief from his pocket and CJ blotted her eyes. "That meant everything was right with the world. He said he didn't know how to raise a child who didn't have snow on Christmas." She tried to laugh, but it turned into a cry and she covered her mouth. "I don't know what I'm going to do, Toby," she said softly.
"You're the strongest person I know, CJ. You can get through this."
"I know." She sucked in her emotion and put up the iron gate. "I can do this on my own. I know that. I can raise my daughter alone." She took moment. "I just don't want to."
Toby's eyes filled with tears and he smiled bitter sweetly, holding in his emotion for her, he didn't know what to say. He nodded his head at her. CJ nodded her head back and wiped the tears collecting under her eye lids. She handed Toby back his handkerchief, but he put his hand up to signal she should keep it. There was a moment of silence between the two.
"But right now, CJ… you have a frightened little girl out there, who – all she knows is something is wrong and she has no one she trusts around to tell her what is wrong."
"She has you," CJ said softly. "We have you." she said like a little girl.
"Kids are smart, you got a smart kid –"
"Are you implying that we all get considerably dumber as we grow up?" CJ tried to distract with humor.
"We did work in Washington for about eight years…"
"So, you're saying my daughter doesn't like you then?" CJ smirked.
"I said she was smart."
"Didn't get that from me or Danny," CJ said with a smile.
Toby's eyes glimmered with tears and his love for his best friend. "Listen…" he leaned in. "She's smart enough to know something's going on and she needs a parent, and I'm sorry to say, right now, you're the only one available, she doesn't need some friend of her mother's—"
"Uncle –you're her uncle," she said defiantly. "You're her god-parent, Toby."
"That she only sees three or two times a year in the span of her five odd years on this earth. You understand me? She needs reassurance from an adult she trusts. She needs the truth – you both do. Give each other some of that faith you do so well."
"Yeah…"She nodded her head. "I just don't know where it is right now." She sucked in her tears. "I'm a good mother, ya know," she said as if to defend herself.
"I know."
"I love that kid more than life itself," she said it with the notion that she ever thought she would feel that way.
"I know."
"I'm just… I'm just…" She turned away and then back in his eyes, "I don't know – I'm scared of having to say it out loud."
"You don't have to…" He took her hand. "Just don't keep the truth from her. Kids know."
CJ nodded her head. After a moment she took a breath. "We should take her back to the hospital with us."
"Good start."
"How many hours?"
Toby looked at his watch. "Two hours or so left to the surgery. I say we make our way now."
"Okay…" CJ stood and nodded her head. She took a breath and looked at Toby. "How do I look?" she said jokingly, knowing she must look pretty bad.
Toby looked at CJ as if to say, how is a real question for such a beautiful woman. "You… you look great."
She grinned, because she knew she didn't. "We gotta get you a better repertoire for pickup lines there, Toby."
"I'll have Danny teach me when he wakes up."
CJ nodded her head in confidence and left the room, followed by Toby, toward her daughter's room.
THE DAY BEFORE
CJ was dressed in a smart light pink suit and skirt, the same outfit she would wear most of that day and into the next night, unbeknown to her at the time. She had a small carry on suit case open on the bed which she was almost done packing.
"Is that enough for two weeks?" Danny came into the bedroom with two coffee cups. He handed CJ her red mug of streaming coffee and held onto his own Notre Dame mug and took a sip. "Got your passport, boarding pass…"
"Bottle of rum," they joked together.
"We're getting predicable." CJ smirked and kissed him.
"I hope not," Danny purred and kissed his wife back on the lips sweet and soft.
"You going to miss me?" she asked.
"I think the real question is, are you going to miss me?" He took a sip of his coffee.
She took a breath and her eyes twinkled at him. "I think this morning you've given me something to take with me for sure."
"Well, I do like to send my woman off with a smile." He raised his eyebrows at her.
Kat ran gleefully into the bedroom and Danny seized her into his arms as she flew past.
"Whoa, whoa, little girl." He lifted her up and bounced her on his hip. "Now, say what we practiced…" he whispered in her ear.
CJ, like a proud mother looked on, waiting for what her daughter would do – a smile on her face.
"Mommy, do you have to go?" Kat and Danny spoke together softly.
CJ looked at the sad face of her daughter and the fake sad face of her husband and joked, "Man alive, now I have two of you." CJ put her coffee mug down and put her arms out to take her daughter from Danny.
"Comes with the price of multiplying." Danny handed off his daughter to CJ.
She almost groaned her words, as she picked up her daughter, "I know you think that was funny, Danny - that wasn't funny – don't play with a mother's heart like that." CJ kissed her daughter on the nose.
Danny thought his joke was pretty funny. "Come on, you make this trip once a year," he assured her.
"I feel like this is the first year she really remembers. A few days for a lecture here or there – visiting Toby - two weeks is a lot in child years…" She rocked her daughter up and down for a moment.
"It's a lot in adult years too…" Danny smiled. "You don't have to stop over in DC."
"No, I set up some important meetings while I'm there."
"Are you going… going to bring me a present this time?" Kat questioned.
"Of course. Don't I always?" CJ cooed.
"Yes…" KC smiled.
Danny smiled.
"Oh, Danny – " she said, as if just remembering. "Since she doesn't have school today Sarah's going to come over and take her to June down the street for a play date – since you're on a deadline."
"Thank you." He kissed CJ. He then kissed his daughter, who giggled.
"And my flight out of Washington is at 11pm tomorrow – I'll be switching to my international work cell once we get in the air – if you need to reach me."
"Okay..."
CJ's phone rang – it was coming from the bed.
"Who is it?" CJ asked Danny, since he was closer to her phone and her suitcase masked the display.
Danny checked. "Josh."
"Oh!" CJ's eyes perked up. "I actually do want to take that one. Trade." She handed Danny their daughter and he handed CJ her phone. "Hey there, Joshy boy!" CJ spoke with glee.
"Hey, Josh!" Danny yelled as took his daughter out of the bedroom.
"Hey, Josh!" Kat yelled, mimicking her father.
"Come on, bug; let's go hide Mommy's gifts for Christmas."
CJ giggled. "My whole family says hello, Josh." Her smile subsided. "So, thanks for calling me back, you'll never guess where I'm going to be tonight." CJ closed the door to her bedroom with a crack.
THE PRESENT
CJ's bedroom door opened. "Toby…?" CJ walked out into the hallway dressed in her coat, but with the back of the coat hung around her arms, almost like a child whose coat was too big for her. "Toby?" She didn't seem to find him. CJ then found herself in front of the back hallway door to Danny's office. She slid the door open and walked in. She could tell that Danny had been working before he must have gotten up to refresh or get a cup of coffee – leaving the room to look like Danny would be back at any moment. Next thing she knew CJ was sitting in Danny's desk chair and lifting her fingers over his belongings on the desk. She took a breath and opened the desk drawer. In the drawer she found a few pencils and pens, a calculator, paper clips and a small Christmas present that said CJ on a tiny slip of craft paper attached to the bow. She slid her fingers over the red wrapping and then lifted it up out of the drawer. The gift almost fit in her palm, but the edges peered out from her fingers when she tried to make a fist around it.
"Hey..?" Toby found her and CJ put the gift in her coat pocket. "You ready?"
"Yeah…" CJ stood and her coat once again fell down and rested on her elbows.
"Kat's in the car…"
"Okay…"She nodded her head, but didn't move.
"You coming…?" He seemed to insinuate the rest of his sentence with his eyes.
"Yeah, Yeah…" CJ said with no real understanding of what she was saying.
Toby walked over to her.
"I'm coming," she whined, not wanting to be treated like anything less than an adult.
"Okay…" Toby put his hands up.
CJ looked around the office again for a moment.
THE DAY BEFORE
CJ barreled into Danny's office.
"You told Josh not to ask me?!"
"Whoa, whoa –" Danny stood up from his desk. "It's 8am, CJ!"
"I can't be pissed at you at 8am?!"
"At least wait until I've had my second cup of coffee," he grumbled.
"That's not funny!"
"Yes, yes I did," he said in a soft half confessing half proud way.
"When do you speak for me?! When do we make any decisions in this family without discussing it with each other first? When did you get the right to tell Josh Lyman what he can and cannot ask me to do?!"
"No, I made the decision on my own," he said matter-of-factly and in a way that confused CJ.
"When was this?"
"Three years ago," he confessed.
"Three? Three years ago?! Are you kidding me?! Are you seriously, kidding me with this?!"
THE PRESENT
CJ sat on the floor of the waiting room between two chairs, to her left her daughter lay sleeping with her head on the arm. CJ stroked her daughter's hair for a moment and then leaned in and kissed her on the forehead. The sun had still not fully risen so the waiting room was still as dark as it had been that evening. There was some light from the hallway behind them and the shine of the TV off their faces.
Toby walked toward CJ with a cup of coffee in his hand.
CJ saw the look on Toby's face. "No word?"
"No."
"Is that for me?" she asked softly.
"No." He placed himself on the floor next to her with much effort and a breath of air.
"You didn't get me coffee?" She didn't think that was very friend like.
"You like sitting on the floor a lot, don't you?" he said in a sarcastically way to scold her, since it was taking him so much effort to sit down next to her.
"There is another chair…" she gestured with her whole arm to the chair on the other side of Toby – so close he was almost leaning up against it.
He looked at the chair and then back at CJ. "Yeah… well. I choose to sit here."
"You didn't get me coffee?"
"No." He took a sip of his coffee. CJ have him a "good friend you are" look. "You need to sleep."
"No, I don't. I need coffee," she protested.
"You want my coffee…" He handed her his cup, knowing she wouldn't want it.
"No. I want real coffee."
"This is real coffee. This is a man's coffee…"
"Okay, fine I'll take it." She took his cup and drank it, not wanting to hear what Toby had to say and wanting caffeine that badly.
"Real coffee doesn't come with whipped cream and sprinkles."
She took a breath and looked up at the TV in front of them – it was showing CNN.
"Rumors around Washington are rampant that White House Chief of Staff Joshua Lyman is in behind closed doors exploratory meetings regarding a possible Presidential run for former Bartlet and Santo's staffer, and current Senator from California, Sam Seaborn. Sources say an announcement is imminent – just in time for the New Hampshire primary in January. No comment from The White House and whether this means Joshua Lyman will step down to head the campaign, like he did for President Santos, or will he be pulling strings from behind the scenes at The White House. For more on this we go to…."
"You know about this?" Toby questioned.
"Yeah…you?" CJ handed Toby his coffee back and he took a drink.
"Yeah, Sam told me."
CJ took the small gift out of her pocket, from Danny's desk, and played with it in her hands
"What's that?" Toby eyed it.
"It's Danny's Christmas gift to me…" She wouldn't look at Toby.
"Why do you have it?" he questioned in a suspicious tone.
"It was in his desk drawer…"
"His desk drawer?"
"Every year Danny and I exchange one gift in private – his parents use to do it – he likes the tradition." She spun the gift between two of her fingers. "He always hides it."
Toby took a moment waiting for CJ to say something, but she didn't. "Don't open it, CJ," he said, almost like CJ held a bomb with in her fingers – and in a way she did. "Wait for Danny…"
There was a long pause.
"My pants don't have pockets?"
"Okay…?" Toby was confused.
"I didn't think to buy sweat pants with pockets, but I wish right now these pants had pockets." She looked down at herself "Remind me to change into pants with pockets…"
"Okay…" Toby put his hand over her hand and the gift. "Wait for Danny."
CJ looked at Toby with tears in her eyes, "Okay."
Toby lifted his hand and after a moment and watched CJ put the gift back in her coat pocket.
"Mrs. Bartlet called – she and the President –"
She took Toby's coffee from him again and looked straight ahead. "I don't want-"
"I told her you didn't want to talk now."
"Okay…" She nodded her head and took a sip of Toby's coffee.
"Josh, Donna, Sam, Charlie, Will, Kate - they all called –"
"I can't right now, I can't…" She looked down.
"I told them…"
CJ looked up at the TV and saw Josh in a press conference with President Santos.
"I don't know how they still do it…" She motioned toward the TV with her head.
Toby looked at the TV. "Yeah…"
"If it hadn't gone down like it did, would you still…"
"No… I think, I don't know – I wouldn't mind working in a think tank or something like that."
"I think you'd be good at that…" She smiled at Toby. "Those are the places where they put suction cups on your head and milk your thoughts into a big tank, right?" She took a sip of her coffee.
He looked at her for a moment. "Yeah… of course," he said dryly
CJ smirked, but any good mood she slightly had was crushed when she heard Danny's name permeate from the TV – it caused her to turn toward the screen again.
"Two time Pulitzer prize winning journalist and bestselling author Daniel Concannon was admitted to an LA area hospital …"
CJ stood and looked at the TV as the Newscaster continued.
Toby stood also. "Hey…" Toby tried to get someone's attention. "Can we get – can someone change the channel. Can we… turn this off!"
"No, no…' She waved Toby off.
Toby walked up behind her and watched her diligently for signs of breakage.
CJ spoke, but continued looking at the television. "You know, sometimes I wish I didn't know how they made the sausage."
"What do you – why?"
"Because I know that right now someone is prepping Danny's obituary… and getting ready to add a line to mine. Normal people don't know that. They don't get that."
He put his hand on her shoulder. "Who wants to be normal?"
"For one day…" She looked at him. "Today. I'd like to be normal. I wish this was just another normal day."
THE DAY BEFORE
"I'll have to thank Josh for throwing me under the bus, there," Danny scoffed.
"Oh, don't worry; he kept your secret as far as he could take it. But I know him too well, just like I know you – longer even – and I know his tells, I know when he's lying – it didn't take long to get the truth out."
"You've known Josh just as long as you've known me. Fifteen years, CJ! Over fifteen years!"
THE PRESENT
CJ and Toby sat with their backs up against a far off wall, away from the TV, but close enough for CJ to keep watch on her daughter sleeping a few paces away. She had a new cup of coffee and Toby didn't. They could still see the TV was talking about early election coverage.
"You teaching that election cycle class again?"
"Voting and American Politics," he said, as if the title was unimpressive to him. "Next semester, when the primaries start."
CJ rolled her head along the wall and looked at Toby. "I ever tell you about the night – when Danny and I first got together?"
"Nooo."
"It was the night after the election…"
"The night after Leo died?"
"Yeah…"
Toby chuckled silently to himself.
"You wanna know why I went?"
"Yeah…" he said humoring her as if to say "Sure, why not."
CJ took a breath and looked down at her coffee. She took a drink. "You wanna know what I thought then or now?"
"Now..." he said with a melancholy confidence.
CJ looked at Toby sheepishly. "I was in love with him," she said a little embarrassed.
"Yeah…" Toby chuckled. "I think we all knew that…"
"Leo died and it all seemed so fleeting. It all just – other things were more important. All my boys were gone." She sucked her tears and Toby looked away from her for a moment. "I didn't want to take another day for granitic – another person in my life. There one minute; gone the next. I didn't want to be alone anymore. I wanted my own agenda for a change." She took a slow shot of her coffee.
"Yeah…" Toby sighed and took her hand in his. CJ looked at him and nodded her head in gratitude and love.
A man came up to CJ in scrubs. "Mrs. Concannon…" He then saw her face. "I'm sorry, I mean Ms. Cregg…"
CJ stood. "No… nooo. Either is fine. I answer to both. " CJ looked frighten of what the nurse's next words might be.
"Any news?" Toby asked and stood himself.
"Things are going well – they're almost done… we think. " He nodded his head. "I'm going to take you and Mr. Ziegler to recover so you can be there when he wakes up."
"Okay… ahhh…" CJ took a breath. "Let me just get my daughter…Mike, right?"
"Yes…you have a good memory for names."
CJ squished Toby's hand and went to wake her daughter.
"Force of habit." Toby told the young man.
The nurse nodded his head looking like he really had no idea what Toby meant by the remark. There was an awkward pause.
"Are you the usual nurse here?" Toby asked, meaning perhaps that was the reason CJ knew the young man in front of him.
"No, I just sometimes work in Dr. Keever's office on the weekends. I met The Concannon/Cregg's there about… ahhh... in her office… ahh, three months ago, I think?"
THREE MONTHS BEFORE – Dr. Keever's Office ~ UCLA Medical Center
Danny and CJ sat in two chairs across from the doctor's desk. They waited for the doctor impatiently. Danny stood for a moment and paced – all the time there was nothing but silence. CJ looked at Danny concerned, which he noticed. This caused him to sit down next to her again and take her hand. Dr. Keever entered the office holding Danny's file. She walked past her desk and smiled at the couple before and sitting in her desk chair and opening the file.
"I can't seem to find any other reason as to why you passed out, Danny – except lack of fluids, sleep…We can do more tests of course."
"He's been on a deadline – I've told him not to—" CJ spoke to the doctor but was really scolding Danny.
"I get into a groove sometimes I lose track of time," he made light of it.
"Abbey Bartlet says you're the best Cardiology on the west coast," CJ remarked firmly.
"Has this ever happened before?" asked The Doctor.
"No," CJ answered almost over lapping Danny's answer.
"Yes," Danny said slowly and gritted his teeth.
CJ turned toward her husband with an annoyed astonishment. "Yes?!"
"When?" The Doctor asked
Danny took a breath, he knew his wife's mood - he didn't even have to look at her. "About three years ago." He saw CJ out of the corner of his eye – she was not happy. "Fatigue – exhaustion and dehydration, I was in the hospital two days."
IN THE PARKING LOT
"CJ! he shouted to his wife, as she made large strides across the parking lot to her car. "Come on!" He stopped. "You're really gonna have me chase you?"
CJ whirled around and got right in Danny's face. "You were just going to keep this from me?"
"I didn't think it was - " He stopped himself in mid-sentence, knowing his lie. "Yes, Yes I was," he said plainly, waiting for what he knew would be a bad reaction.
"And after everything –" She took a breath. "All that talk about being a partner in this relationship –"
"Hey, hey, that's not fair, that's not what this is about…"
"It's not?"
"No!"
"What …"
"Because it's in the past, CJ…"
She huffed and walked way.
Danny followed. "Now, come on! This isn't fair! Listen, I didn't mean what I know you think I meant by that – let me finish… CJ!"
She turned around. "You think I can't do the math?"
"No," he grumbled.
"You kept this from me on purpose?"
"Yes…" he grumbled again.
"We have a child, Danny. Together."
"Come on, that's not what this… is about!" he said again, frustrated with not getting out what he wanted to say to her. "And yes, I know that."
"This is your health!"
"That's not what you're pissed about, and you know it!"
"Well, you're right on that one!" CJ walked away.
Danny stood there for a moment like a bear holding in his rage. He took a breath and put his arms out. "You do realize you're my ride home." She didn't answer. "From a hospital!" She didn't answer, so he started following her again. "CJ!" He finally stopped his fast walking "Claudia Jean!" This caught CJ's attention since he had never called her that before. "You're pissed!?"
"Ya think?!" She turned around and put her arms to the side in an angry gesture.
"You're pissed because it was during the campaign – you're pissed because-" He took a breath.
"I asked you, I specifically asked you if those rumors were true, you said no. You said no!"
"The rumors were that I had a breakdown, CJ. I didn't and never have a breakdown!" This seemed to hit a nerve in Danny,
"I asked you-"
"Yes…."
"I was concerned about you-"
"I know…" He walked closer.
"It was about me," her voice trailed off.
He took a pause before he spoke. "It was about a lot of things…" He walked closed and leaned his head diagonally towards her.
"Well… you just answered my question, didn't you?" She held back her tears and continued her walk to her car, which was now only a few steps away.
"See, this is why I didn't tell you, CJ." He was now next to the car with her. "Because you always feel guilty, you felt guilty enough. And I wasn't going to add more to that fire. That's not my job." CJ opened the car door and got in. Danny put his hands on the inside window frame as the window lowered. "I'm supposed to be the one hassle free thing in your life. CJ." She slammed the door shut and Danny talked to her through the open car window. "I love you too much to do that. Do you understand?" He watched her put her seatbelt on.
"I'll call you a cab." She looked straight ahead.
"The truth? Yes, yes. I was driving myself raged looking for my faith in this business again, trying to get over you, yes, yes, that's all true. I didn't tell you because it was something I was going through and whether you were one of the factors or not – it didn't matter, you didn't cause it. That was my thing. You can't blame yourself because I fell in love with you." His last thought left him simply flabbergasted. "You don't have control over that. Come on, CJ!?"
"I picked my job over you Danny and it put you in pain, how is that supposed to make me feel!"
"Hey! I wasn't the only pig-headed one here - I could have left that job too… I had plenty of chances…it wasn't fair for me to ask you just as much as -"
"Losing faith is one thing; I'm over that… I've had my peace with that. " It didn't sound like she had.
"I told you –that part wasn't you… that was -"
"But to think I put your health in jeopardy… "
He put his hand on her hand that was now on the steering wheel. "No, I did," he said calmly. "By not sleeping and drinking more scotch than water and being about twenty pounds overweight." He tried to get a smile out of her, but it wasn't working. "Don't blame yourself for my broken heart, CJ… because you're the one who put it back together again."
CJ took a breath and tried not to smile, he could be so damn corny sometimes, but it still got to her heart.
"That's when you burned the story about me, when you lost your faith – and I don't believe you that I wasn't a factor in that!"
"Dougie Weston, did that and you know that-" He furrowed his bow.
"That's not a truth I know to be true, Danny, no matter how many times –-"
"It's not!
"I can't act like it's nothing!"
He took her hand and put it over his heart, "You're the one who fixed it."
THE PRESENT
In the present, CJ looked over Danny in his hospital bed and watched the beating of his heart on the monitors. It was hard for her to see the line, his heartbeat, in front of her, proof Danny was still alive, but also proof of how thin the line was between the alternative.
THE DAY BEFORE
"CJ!" Danny yelled, as he chased out of his office after her. "See, you do this. You start a fight and then you walk away – at least… let me explain, will ya? I at least deserve that." He caught up with her.
"You can be such a condescending son of a bitch sometimes, Danny – all that talk about being a partner and wanting me to be happy – you just want to "talk about it" – indoctrinating me into a philosophy that you don't even believe in yourself-'
"Hey, hey, indoctrinating – what the hell was that?'
"-and you go ahead and do this! It's all well and good unless it doesn't fit into your plans!?"
"Plans? I… what? Ahh… maybe I'm slow from just walking up here, and the coffee thing, but I have no earthly idea where you're going with this?"
"You don't?"
"I really don't…"
"Hi, Concannon-Creggs!" a young blonde girl came bouncing into the living room.
"Hi, Sarah," the two grumbled as they held in their anger.
Sarah, one of their two nannies/babysitters got very uncomfortable, walking in on what looked to her like a private argument. "You still need me, today?"
"Yeah…"Danny told her and then looked at CJ with only his eyes.
Sarah quickly excited into the hallway toward Kat's room.
Danny went back to their fight. "That's not what this is about and you know it, CJ." They took their argument into the Kitchen.
"This is about you not wanting a long distance relationship - even just for a few months!"
"A long distance relationship?" Danny almost smirked and sauntered into the kitchen behind CJ.
"Yeah!" She turned to him.
"You think I can't hack a long distance relationship with you, CJ!? For eight years we had a long distance relationship –hell, most of the time when you were standing right in front of me!" Danny shouted.
"What does that mean?!"
"What does wh-? An emotional connection with out the sex, what did you think I meant?
"No, that sounds about right," she grumbled.
"I know you're pissed, and you have every right to be, but can we be pissed for all the right reasons and not the wrong ones. I mean, let's just take a breath, here."
"I have a flight to catch, Danny…"
"Not before we hash this out!"
THE PRESENT
CJ was curled up in a chair in Danny's hospital room; her coat was now draped over the back of her chair. She took a breath and looked over at Danny hocked up to a few machines with wires. Along with the heart monitor he had an oxygen line in his noise and an IV. CJ walked over to Danny in his bed and just looked at his face. She sat down on the edge of the bed and put her hand over his face and beard. She took a breath and memories flooded her. She again took the small present out of her pocket and looked at it.
"Hey…" Toby walked in holding a new cup of coffee and spoke softly.
"Hey," CJ looked up at him. She tried to hide the gift, but she knew Toby could see it.
"Do they know?"
"No," she said with a heavy breath. "They said he should just wake up on his own – sometimes it takes time… Danny was never one to wake up easily. Especially, after he just fell…" CJ looked at Toby walking toward her. "Is that coffee for me?"
"No."
CJ gave him an unhappy look.
Toby walked up to her. "You need to sleep."
CJ took the coffee from Toby and walked back to her chair where she sat with her legs crossed With her free hand she placed Danny's gift back in one of her coat pocket. She dug into the chair with her body, almost hugging the coffee - she just looked at Danny
"That's the third coffee of mine you've taken," Toby remarked.
"Serves you right for always bringing one cup." She sipped the coffee.
Toby quietly sat down in a chair next to CJ.
Finally, CJ spoke. "You know Danny paid for our house."
"What"
"The house, Danny bought it."
"That house? With what?'
"His Pulitzer money." She looked at Toby.
"No kidding…"
"Yeah…."
"Ironic."
"Yeah…"
"How?"
"It's a lot of money and he won twice, "she said, almost defending his honor.
"I know, CJ."
"He doesn't know I know."
"Yeah…" Toby wasn't surprised.
"I wanted him to have that." She paused and looked at Danny in the bed. "He spent his entire savings on our house," she said with a sense of astonishment and love.
"Yeah…"
CJ got quiet for a moment and Toby watched her with concern.
CJ looked straight ahead. "Genetics is a bitch," she bemused flatly.
"Excuse me?" Toby questioned
"A real bitch..."
"I heard what you said – I just –"
"I mean you can live a clean life, never eat a carb or a piece of candy-."
"Are these people nuns?"
"-and just drop dead on a running track. George Burns smoked cigars and drank martinis and he lived to be a hundred."
"He also had triple bypass surgery and lived to be a hundred."
"How do you know that?" She turned and snapped at him.
"I don't know – I read it somewhere?"
"Read it somewhere?" She didn't seem to believe him.
"What do you want from me, a position paper with foot notes?"
CJ gave him an open mouthed look, shook her head, and faced straight ahead. "Danny's father…" She looked down for a moment.
"His heart?"
"When Danny was fifteen." She looked at Toby and then off again." It was something we bonded over on the campaign. The loss of one parent at an early age."
"Yeah…"
"I always thought it'd be me. My side of the family didn't exactly win the genetic lottery –"
"Whose does?"
"And now my kid - I get to hand this down to my kid . You don't think about those kinds of things when you—"
"It's not like you fall in love and ask for a DNA swab. "
She slightly shook her head as she spoke, "I never thought I'd be prayin' so much for flat feet and diabetes, right now."
"Yeah…"
"I've imagined all the things I'd share with my daughter – shopping tips, career advice, poker strategy, the finer points of a polling models – that she doesn't need a man or have a child to feel a sense of self-worth in this world… and it's okay if the boys… or girls don't ask you out now because your taller than they are – because they will later. But never in a million years did I think or fathom that the first thing I might share with my daughter was the mutual loss of a parent. And I'm trying to wrap my head around it and at the moment it eludes me."
There was a long silence between them.
"You want me to leave?"
"No. "She paused and looked at him. "I like you right here."
The two great friends shared a loving moment.
"Why don't you find a place to sleep – I can keep watch for you."
"I have trouble not sleeping in my own bed…" She let go of Toby's hand and sipped her coffee for a moment. Then she stood and walked over to Danny's bed and sat again. She ran her hand over Danny's hand and looked into his closed eyes.
"That doesn't… seem like you…" Toby was confounded by her last remark.
"I know… " she almost half laughed. " I don't understand it. I used to be able to sleep in any hotel room, any chair, up against a wall, on a couch."
"I would not, could not, in the rain. Not in the dark. Not on a train, Not in a car, Not in a tree…" Toby quoted Dr. Seuss like he was quoting Thomas Jefferson or Ethan Allen.
CJ smiled through her tears and looked at Toby. "I do not like them with a mouse. I do not like them here or there. I do not like them anywhere. I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam-I-am." Her eyes almost had that light back in them.
"We're spending too much time with children under the age of nine."
She smiled bitter sweetly and turned back towards Danny on the bed. The only sound for a moment was Danny's heart monitor.
"Okay then… I'll drive you and Kat back home." He said almost at his final straws. Toby stood.
"No…" She looked at Danny in the bed.
"CJ…" he was concerned and exhausted with her.
"I can't sleep in that bed." She looked down
"You just said-"
"I tried, Toby – I really did." She played with the top of her coffee. " I've never had trouble sleeping in that bed alone…" She looked up and took a drink of her coffee again.
"Yeah…" Toby understood.
Toby walked over to CJ and put his hands on her shoulders.
"You get used to a person…" she trailed off.
"Yeah…"
CJ's body appeared all of a sudden heavy. "I feel sleepy…" she said with surprise.
"I know," he said in a consoling tone.
"Like all of a sudden…" Her eye lids started to flutter a few times.
"Yeah, I know…" he said calmly.
"How do you know?"
"I laced the coffee."
"You drugged me without my permission?"
"When does one drug someone with their permission? And yeah…" He held onto CJ's shoulders tighter.
"I think that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me…"
"Is that the drugs talking?"
"I'm not sure… be ready I might kick your ass when I wake up."
"I'll remind you in the morning." He started to lift her to her feet. "Here we go."
"I didn't mean to get use to him," she droned on as if half in a dream world.
"We never do." He took a breath thinking of Andi. "I'm going to walk you to this chair now, okay, CJ."
"Okay…" she spoke in a drowsy tone.
Toby walked CJ over to the large chair in the corner CJ had been sitting on before. She rolled up on it almost like her daughter had previously done in the waiting room.
"Where's K.C? I thought you took her for a…. walk?"
"She's playing with the other kids in the hospital day care…"
"Yeah…" She laid her head on the arm of the chair. "I have snacks in my jacket pocket if she wants…"
Toby leaned down and placed his hand in one of CJ's pockets and pulled out a mini bag of goldfish crackers. Toby smirked.
"What? She likes them," CJ muttered.
"Sleep…" Toby said like the vocal version of Ambien.
Toby stayed crouched down at her eye level until CJ closed her eyes. He stood and then CJ spoke her last words before falling into a deep sleep – words that broke Toby's heart.
"The bed smelled like him…" CJ finally confessed.
"Yeah." He nodded his head, understanding it all too well.
Toby took a blanket off an empty bed and put it over CJ.
THE DAY BEFORE
Back in their kitchen CJ and Danny were in mid fight.
CJ unbuttoned her suit jacket and put her hand on her hip. "It would be maybe six months or maybe if I had the choice I would just be the summer, but you…"
"It wouldn't be -"
"-You decided for - what do you mean it wouldn't be?"
"'Cause I'm not new here, CJ. We both lived that life , and maybe from different sides of the coin, but I know that life, I reported on that life and I watched you in that little fish bowl live it out and it almost… I know how much being on the road with your friends would bring back those good feelings again. But three months turns into six months and then the next thing you know it's an entire election cycle and then just the transition team and next thing you know there's an appointment and ten year or more go by and that's ten years of school dances and music recitals and family walks on the beach and you turn around one day and she's graduating high-school, CJ. This isn't about me. If it were just you and me – we can do whatever we want." He took a breath. "But we only have eighteen years with our daughter, CJ …. and I don't want you to miss any of it. I don't want our daughter to grow up without her mother… with one parent, because that's how it will be. In DC they call them Washington Widows. Kids growing up and they don't even know their ..." He took a breath to calm himself down. "I don't and never wanted that for our kid. And once more you agree with me – I know you don't want that too."
There was a moment where CJ didn't say anything and Danny wasn't sure what would happen next.
"I have to go, Danny. I can't miss my flight." She went to exit the kitchen, but Danny put himself in front of her. "Today is not the day for this…"
"Can't you just get passed the fact that you're pissed by how I did it, and focus on the real issue here and that's why? I'm not saying what I did was right, CJ. "
"You're saying I'd be selfish when it comes to our child and you'd be so… selfless, is that it?
"Now, come on, that's not what I meant by that!
"Well, I can just fix it," she said in an insolent huff.
"I don't…?" Danny looked at her oddly – he was lost again to her intentions.
"I can just take Kat on the road with me, can't I?" she said defiantly. She almost knew she regretted it once it left her mouth, but pride took over.
Danny just looked at her with broken eyes. "Thank you, thank you for that." He gritted his teeth "It's so nice to know that when the going gets tough you'd use our only daughter as a bartering tool."
"I have a flight to catch – this isn't the day!" she blurted out.
"No this is not the day, yes, you said that about four or five times. But I don't think we should leave it like this when you're going to be in DC for two days and then in Tanzania until Christmas, I thought you'd want to straighten this out. It's not like you'll just be back for dinner, CJ!"
"This is who I am, Danny – this is the package you signed up for – don't try and change me!"
"Hey, hey! I have never once, once tried to change you - I'm not that guy - in fact, I'm pretty sure I'm the one who encouraged you – told you it was okay to do what you wanted, not change for someone else… live the life that you deserve. Ya know, what, noo, nooo. I've been in this relationship for seven odd years now; I think I've proved myself enough with my actions. I can't talk to you when you're like this." he looked hurt. "Go off, go to work, CJ."
Danny picked up his Notre Dame coffee cup and left the kitchen. CJ took a moment and shock her head slightly at Danny's exit. She put the side of her hand to her forehead.
CJ could hear the door slide shut on Danny's office. She walked into the living room and stood at Danny's door . She took another breath and looked at her watch.
"CJ?" Sarah entered the living room tentatively, her voice filled with nothing but awkward vibes. "The car is here to take you to the airport."
"Yeah, thanks, Sarah." CJ took a breath and walked toward the foyer.
CJ grinned from ear to ear as her daughter ran to her and CJ leaned down and held on to her for a good-bye, longer than CJ thought she would. "Be good for Sarah, while I'm gone, baby." She turned to Sarah. CJ kissed her daughter on the top of the top of her head before taking a breath, grabbing her rolling carry on suit case, her coat and her purse - and she was gone.
CJ heard Danny call out to her in the memory, but she wasn't sure if it had really happened or if something or someone else was waking her up.
THE PRESENT
"Danny?" CJ opened her eyes and adjusted to the light – it seemed like afternoon - a new day was upon her. Her eyes filled with tears as she heard Danny's groggy voice again call to her.
For those days we felt like a mistake,
Those times when loves what you hate,
Somehow,
We keep marching on.
THE DAY BEFORE
"Danny!?" CJ ran back into the house, her wheeled suitcase rolling behind her. The house was silent. She looked to the left; she looked to the right, no Danny. She left her suitcase in the foyer and walked down the small stairs into the sunken living room. She looked to the right catching notice of Danny's Notre Dame mug, steaming, sitting on the end of the counter like nook that connected the kitchen to the living room.
"Hey…" Danny's smiling; sheepish face emerged from around the corner.
"You were right…" she exclaimed.
"You didn't have to come back-" he put his hands up to assure her. "It's okay…"
"Now don't get me wrong – the way you did it was –"
"Less than admirable…"
"I have stronger words than that, but yeah."
"I deserve it." He lowered and shook his head. He took hold of the coffee mug off the corner top and looked at CJ and listened.
"I understand the reasoning beyond it… I do… but… the way you went behind my back…"
"I know, I know – I didn't like myself too much when I was doing it."
"I do miss it," she confessed.
He nodded his head telling her he knew she did. "I want you to do what you want, CJ – I always do. Maybe… I didn't want to have to look at the disappointment on your face – if you decided not to do it, and yeah… I jumped about twenty steps ahead – like I always do. You wanna help Sam like you did on the senate campaign, help Sam – be with your friends. We'll work it out. All of it. I was scared… I wasn't being much of a man." He put his left hand in left pocket. "I was wrong…"
CJ smiled and looked at him impishly for a moment. "Well… look at that – if hell hasn't frozen over."
"Hey, I admit when I'm wrong…" He ambled over to her and put his free hand over her left arm.
"I admit when I'm wrong…" CJ gave him a look suggesting the contrary. "Well, I am rarely wrong…" he teased, but then he got serious. "Listen, we can work this out – we can balance – we can stop it at the pass – before it goes too far. I can do that – if that's what you want? You want it, we should do it. We can do this. Together."
"No." She smiled and put her hands on Danny's shoulders. "I don't want to help Sam run for President."
Danny took a breath through his noise as if to say "ha," and then spoke, "But you just said-"
"I can miss it can't I – I just know I have other priorities….I know that..."
"Roads in Africa…" he teased.
"That too…" she beamed. "I like this life – just fine. I don't want a miss one moment. I like our this."
Danny smiled; his heat overflowing and he kissed her. "I meant your flight, CJ."
There's so many wars we fought,
There's so many things we're not,
"Run, or you'll miss it…"
But with what we have,
I promise you that,
We're marching on..
"Run, CJ… CJ.."
THE PRESENT
CJ's long legs almost leapt from her chair and over to Danny's bed. "Danny?" She was now at the bed and looking over his face with amazement. "Danny…" she said with love.
For all of the plans we've made,
There isn't a flag I'd wave,
Don't care if we bend,
I'd sink us to swim,
We're marching on,
(We're marching on)
(We're marching on)
"Hey…" he said softly with his fatigued filled voice. He put his hand to his nose realizing he had an oxygen tube.
Right, right, right, right left right,
Right, right, right, right left right,
Right, right, We're marching on.
CJ took a breath and meshed her fingers with Danny's until they were holding hands.
"So, what'd I miss?" he joked.
CJ took a breath and smiled. "It's… " Her tears began to fall. "It's snowing in Michigan."
Danny smiled huge. "How about that…"
We'll have the days we break,
And we'll have the scars to prove it,
We'll have the bonds that we save,
But we'll have the heart not to lose it.
She kissed him and then laid her head against his forehead.
For all of the times we've stopped,
For all of the things I'm not.
By now, Toby was standing in the door way, holding another coffee cup, and looking at the family reunion. CJ looked up and smiled at Toby, noticing that he was there, and he smiled back. He had to hold in his own tears and he took a long breath in. He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out Danny's small gift to CJ, holding in his hand. After a moment, he put the gift back in his pocket to give back to CJ later. CJ mouthed "thank you" to Toby and he nodded his head, almost like he had to shrug it off, not wanting to take it or he might cry. He took a breath. Everyone in the room took a breath.
We put one foot in front of the other,
We move like we ain't got no other,
We go when we go,
We're marching on.
There's so many wars we fought,
There's so many things we're not,
But with what we have,
I promise you that,
We're marching on,
(We're marching on)
(We're marching on).
Right, right, right, right left right,
Right, right, right, left, right,
Right, right,
We're marching on.
Right, right, right, right left right,
Right, right, right, left, right,
Right, right,
We're marching on.
Marching On – One Republic.