A/N: A very dear friend of mine passed away on Tuesday morning. She was a jogger, so unbelievably passionate about it. She was out for a morning run when she was hit by a truck. She was twenty two. I am also dealing with the very real possibility of my mother passing away soon. She's tired and very much at the end of her rope after a very long battle with several illnesses. In the nine days into the new year, I've had a pretty terrible time. This is me trying to write it out, because holding it in takes too much energy. Disclaimers apply and no beta so yeah.
For Meg. For Mom.
He wakes in the middle of the night and she's not there next to him.
Castle tries to gain his bearings, reaches out for where Kate should be and finds the sheets startlingly cold. They'd turned in rather early tonight, she'd fallen asleep before him, but he can't figure a reason that she would have left their bed. He sits up, slips his feet into the slippers that rest by the door and shuffles through his office and into the living room.
He finds her sitting on his sofa, watching the door, waiting.
Not wanting to startle her, he shuffles as loudly as possible but if she hears him, she doesn't let him know. He can tell by her posture, her breathing and her stance that she's not sleeping. If anything, she's so wired. Too much energy for this time of night if you ask him.
Though he doesn't have to be a detective to figure out why she's awake, he can't quite figure out why she's staring at the door.
Castle makes his way to the sofa and finds her curled up, knees to her chest, elbow propped on the back of the couch, fingers woven between the tissue resting just beneath her nose.
He doesn't say anything, waits her out. He perches himself on the edge of the plush cushion in front of her, careful not to block her view of the door. Her eyes don't move, they don't even flinch, as she focuses solely on the entry to his home.
It's almost midnight. The day is almost over, just a few more minutes and it'll be done –
"I just keep waiting for her, Castle," Kate whispers on an aspirated breath.
He continues his steadfast silence, urging her to continue as he places a hand on her knee and Kate brings her free hand up and lance her fingers with his.
"Fourteen years and I'm still waiting for her to walk through the door."
She gasps in a breath and lets it out on a harsh, sardonic laugh. Tears well up in the basins of her eyes, still focused on the door.
"Sometimes I imagine she's still out there, walking around, roaming the city," she speaks a little louder now, still softly enough not to wake anyone else. "It's hard for me to just wrap my head around her just being gone, so quickly and so senseless."
She brings the tissue to her eyes and sighs. He can feel the tremors begin through her body. He wishes he could do something, but he knows she needs to get it out. He'll let her fall apart and then he'll help her put her fragile pieces back together.
"How can they just be gone? Even after all this time, working with all the bodies and the cases, I wonder: how can it just happen so easily? Someone just decided that it was time for my mom to leave me, leave her family – "
Kate loses her cool then, leaning forward just as Castle does and he welcomes her into his arms, rubbing soothing circles on her back.
"I just keep waiting, I feel like I'll always be waiting. Knowing who killed her, knowing who ordered the hit, it doesn't feel like I thought it would. I thought, after confronting Bracken, today would have been at least a little bit easier, but he still gets to go home to his family. He gets to walk through the front door. My mom, she'll never come home again."
She's always gone in circles and every year, she says the same things. After fourteen years, the pain still lances through her nerve endings and sets her body aflame with hurt and sadness and absolute heartbreak and she has to wonder if it'll ever go away.
Kate's silent as she calms down, listens to the clock tick past the midnight hour as Castle cradles her in his arms, warm and strong.
"You make this easier," she admits quietly, feels him press a kiss to her forehead. "She would have adored you, Rick. I wish you could have known her."
"I know you, though," he tells her. "That's enough."
Silence falls on them, and just when he goes to lift her into his arms and carry her to their bed, she stirs slowly, looks back at the door, then to Castle once more.
"I'll always be waiting, won't I?"
"Maybe," he admits sadly. "But if you're waiting, I'll be right here with you, waiting, too."
I completely understand if you think this is crap. I'm sad, I'm tired and I'm grieving. I just couldn't keep anything in anymore. Now, in lieu of a review, go hug someone you love and make sure they know how much their presence on this planet means to you.