Never the Twain Shall Meet
As the foiled detectives drove away, each of their theories disproved, Lionel Twain pulled off his mask and revealed that he was actually Yetta the supposedly mute maid. She sat back and smoked while laughing. I showed all those fools up, she thought; while their detection skills were good, each missed the mark and the million dollar prize for solving the mystery. "Not good enough" she said aloud.
"No, they weren't" said a figure that stepped out from a shadowed corner of the room. "Sometimes you just have to be in the right place at the right time."
"Who are you?" Yetta asked. "You weren't invited to our...wait...you're that detective...Phillip Marloni?"
"Congratulations, got it in one. I've been biding my time while my colleagues have been running around and nearly getting killed. You should consider closing the drapes more often, although I must say it was quite the show."
Yetta scowled. "Trying to get in on the prize, eh? Sorry, but I've already revealed myself; there's nothing left to discover. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll turn it into a book somehow to add to your collection of pulpy fiction stories."
"Not much to discover, I must admit. Like a kid sucking air through his milkshake straw, there's not a lot left that can come up. But you always have to take the lid off to get that last bit, and I'm afraid you left something in the cup. Even in a pulpy fiction book, you don't put it away until you've read the last page. Even if it's the epilogue."
"Oh? Spare me the metaphors and get to the point Mr. Marloni."
"Certainly. Mind if I have a scotch?" Phillip was hard-nosed, but still played by the rules; he didn't raid someone's liquor cabinet without permission.
"Pour two of those, Phil; no one should drink alone. Now you were saying?"
Marloni poured two and handed one over while he took a drink from the one he kept. "Ah, it's a little chilly out there; that takes the edge off. Now, as I was saying, my colleagues know their stuff. They all seemed to have the dope on Twain, but I went a little deeper. I don't trust women that don't talk too much, and a woman that doesn't talk at all is such an oddity that I did a little digging."
"And what did you find?" Yetta asked.
"Yetta Nudderbody was born mute, just like you played it. She was never able to speak, unlike her twin sister...Notta!" he said accusingly.
Notta's head dipped slightly in resignation. "So you found me out. I thought the old evil twin gag was so old that no one would pick up on it."
"It wasn't hard after that. It helped that you own a high profile mask shop over by Ramone Chandler's book shop on Third. Calling it 'Look Like Anyone' was a giveaway. So you really did kill your sister here, and took her place afterward. I imagine a search will eventually turn up the body."
"So much for hiding in plain sight; that advice was a bum steer. You got me; it looks like you win the million." Notta reached for the checkbook.
"Not so fast, if I might make a suggestion?" Marloni offered.
"What do you have in mind?" Notta asked seductively.
"Not what you're thinking, that's for sure. You have the addresses of all the detectives that were here tonight; send each a check for 50 big ones for their troubles. We detectives try to stick together you know; professional courtesy they might call it in nicer society circles. All the pieces on the chessboard work together to play the game. Make one out for me too and we'll call it even."
"You're generous, Mr. Marloni" Notta said as she tore out a check and handed it to him. "Sure you don't want to take me up on my offer?"
"That's a check I'd never cash so don't even think about writing it, sweet cheeks" Phillip said as he opened the door to leave. "But don't plan on going to bed soon. I came across some other characters outside that are probably waiting for me to leave before they make their entrance. Some large guy was looking at your orchids..."
"Julius Coyote!" Notta gasped.
"...and another fellow in a trenchcoat with a glass eye that was examining your wiring box..."
"Lieutenant Columbus!" she moaned.
"...and I helped a French fellow out of a ditch after he had tripped and fallen in..."
"Inspector Clumbseau!" She held her head in her hands.
"And lastly an English gentleman with a pipe and deerstalker cap who was deducing how many people were here by the amount of garbage you had."
"No idea who he is" she said with a puzzled look.
"In any case, you'll be up for a while still. There might even have been some meddling kids out there, just getting out of a van. Thanks doll, good luck and play nice!" he said as he shut the door behind him on the way out.
Notta opened a drawer. "I'm going to need some more checks" she said to herself just as a loud knock sounded on the door.
The End
A/N: An entertaining movie that did a good job of making a parody of several classic detectives. It was sad that the category only had one story, and it had nothing to do with the movie! That had to be rectified...even if just a short extended ending to the movie.