The French were bred to die for love —
They delight in fighting duels.
But I prefer a man who lives
Because he has the proper tools.
A kiss on the hand may be quite continental
But death rays are a girl's best friend.
A kiss may be grand but it's still supplemental
To electrostat- [FX: ZZT!] ic shocks that fell a giant rat.
Men grow cold as girls grow old
And we may lose our wits in the end;
Photonic, acoustic,
As long as it's got kick,
A death ray is a girl's best friend.
(TPU ... Hive engine?! Mr. Tock ... Battle clank ...
Talk to me, Tarsus Beetle, tell me all about it!)
There may come a time when you're stalking a rev'nant;
Then death rays are a girl's best friend.
There may come a time when the heir of a tyrant
Thinks that you're the one,
But get that gun while he's still stunned.
He's your guy when wasps are nigh:
To each one with a sword he'll attend.
But when they start swarming, the odds are alarming
And death rays are a girl's best friend!
To hike through the wastes all alone is moronic,
So bring along the girl's best friend!
And do keep it close for it would be ironic
To have it snatched by some crosspatch and be dispatched.
Time rolls on and youth is gone
And you can't see to tell foe from friend.
But presby- or myopic,
You know what does the trick ...
Death rays ... Death rays ...
(Or maybe dingbots ... )
No, death rays are a girl's best friends!
Author's Note: If you haven't seen the film Gentlemen Prefer Blondes with Jane Russell and Marilyn Monroe (each sending up her pin-up girl persona with a vengeance!) or read the book by Anita Loos, do find a copy of either (or both!) and settle in for an enjoyable evening. (You can hear Monroe belting out "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend" on YouTube.) If you haven't read Girl Genius, you can get started on that over at girlgenius dot net and settle in for an enjoyable several years.