Hurt, a dark angel fanfic

It hurts, plain and simple.

Everyone said I would deal. It still did not make the pain any better.

From the moment I saw him, I knew if I let him get close nothing would come out of it, nothing at all, nothing but pain. Now here I am, pathetic actually, in an apartment that used to house two, sitting in the dark crying my eyes out.

I made the mistake of letting my guard down. I let him in.

It all fell from there, every wall I built up to protect myself came crumbling down, all the facades I had about being independent and a "bad ass" were pulled down and now I had nothing left to protect me, to protect my heart.

I felt so vulnerable.

I tried my best to fight that I wanted him; it was all in vain because in the end he had me. He had everything I could offer, and he took it all. I let him of course because he gained my trust. I trusted him with my life, with my people, but most of all I trusted him with my heart.

The tears are threatening to fall again, I feel the burn from my eyes, I blink hoping to stop them but they refuse. There is no point in wiping them away they will just continue to fall. My shoulders start to shake; I have to wrap my arms around my knees to stop from the violent reactions of my body.

I should have never loved him, I should have never touched him, I should have never kissed him, I should have never let him make love to me and I should have never told him that I couldn't live with out him. Now it seems like I can't. I can't take a breath with out thinking about how when we kissed our breath was one, I can't sleep with out thinking about how our bodies were one and now I can't love with out thinking about how he had a part of me.

I lay back down. The dark room we shared seems emptier now. All I hear is the echoes of my own strangled sobs. I have never felt so broken. I have gone through war and took some of the worst beatings one can offer, but it never hurt like this. I clutch the sheets hoping to get the strength to stop my body from shaking.

The bed is cold.

The tears subside for the time being. I get the strength to stand and leave our… my room.

I haven't gone two steps then suddenly I don't feel so well.

I head to the bathroom, my stomach suddenly feeling the need to empty itself. The white porcelain is cold to the touch, as I try to get my bearings and stand. I balance myself and steady my body with my hands now on the sink. I feel the side of the wall for the switch.

I turn it on.

The white light attacks my eyes I blink to regain sight. I catch a glimpse of my self in the mirror.

I can't look at myself right now.

My eyes shift to the dry sink, the bar of soap we shared was still there, and a cup with a pair of toothbrushes still sits where it had always been. My hand itches to touch the blue toothbrush, but I wont let myself. The blue towel strewn against the toilet still sits there unmoved. It takes all my will power not to reach over and smell it. Just to smell his scent again.

I take the time to wash my hands and bend down to splash water on my face. Instead of reaching for his blue towel, I reach for mine.

I gain the courage to look at my reflection.

I open my eyes to my own reflection. My eyes blood shot, lines of fatigue around them, my nose red and my hair a tangled mess. I don't recognize myself. I have to touch my face to make certain that what I'm seeing is really my reflection.

It is.

Something catches the light and sparkles under the florescent bulb. My hand stills at that sight.

The ring.

"Will you marry me?" He says with a shaky voice. His hand outstretched with a ring.

Tears fall with out me willing them to do so, my left hand shakes as I hold it out to his hand.

"Yes" I barely let out. "Yes! Of course I will" I jump into his arms.

Someone yells in the background. "It took you long enough pretty boy!"

I playfully pinch his under arm. He finches.

"Awwww Maxie that hurt!" He gives me his signature pouty face. "What did I do now?"

He asks while rubbing his sore arm.

"I just wanted to make sure it was real," I said putting my hands on my hip to emphasize I was serious.

"Maxieeeeee, you're supposed to pinch yourself not me". He whines.

" I know" I mumble and he laughs at that.

He gives me a bear hug.

He whispers, " I love you….forever."

I answer with a feverish kiss that makes the whole building top erupt in cheers.

Sketchy snaps a picture.

The picture still reads, "Terminal City's 2nd Anniversary, my buddy Alec finally proposes to Max.

The memory so clear in my mind that I remember the way his lips curved into a smile when he heard everyone cheer around him. I remember the breath I took before I said yes. I remember Joshua's flag in the background. I remember it all like it was yesterday, but truthfully it had been two years since then.

My tears now a steady slow stream it dampens my hand and the ring with it. The pain starts back again; my chest heavy, my insides in knots and my heart if possible broke into smaller pieces. I have to grip the sink with both hands to regain my composure.

It wasn't fair; I did not deserve to be the one left. I did not deserve to be left…. to be left alone.

How dare he do this to me!

I storm out of the bathroom straight to the living room. I grab the closest thing in sight, a lamp. I hear it crash against the opposite wall; no longer is there light in the room. My legs give way and I slide down to the floor in a helpless heap. I take my head in my hands; it's heavy with the burden I carry.

It takes me awhile to open my eyes again and look at the room I am in. My head moves to scan the quietness around me. The room where we had shared a movie in, a bag of pork rinds in, verbal and physical spars in only to make love on the couch again, this room our living room. Everything in sight just reminded me of how much we had shared together.

"Why would you do this to me Alec?" I whisper into the cold, empty dark room.

My hand moves to settle over my stomach.

"I can't do this alone"

My hands are shaking, I have never felt so unsure in my life. He takes my hand in his and he stills them.

"I don't think I can do this," I mumble into his chest.

"No you can't Max, but we can do this together, your not alone." He replies, as he tilts my chin to look into his eyes.

He kisses me, then bends down to kiss my stomach.

"A baby" he mumbles against my belly button.

"Yeah our baby" I reply, as I run my hands through his hair.

My hand moves to make slow circles on my stomach. It protrudes out asking for the attention of my hands.

He won't see his first breath, he won't see his first steps, he won't see his first day at school, and he won't even be there when our son first realizes how much you loved him.

He won't see him grow up. He wont see his own son grow up to the man we wanted him to be.

I bang my head against the wall. Once, then another, harder this time and one more time till the picture frames on the wall threatens to fall. Pictures of memories with him swing with its own will. No longer will more be added with his smile in them.

I can't do this anymore.

My tears fall once again. Worse than before so bad that I can't get a breath to make it to my lungs. I fist a hand in my hair, pulling just to feel a different kind of pain besides the one I feel in my chest. My shoulders hunched over, I look so defeated. My left hand still sits on my stomach. I am curled into a ball of emptiness. I don't know how to will myself to move, think or even breathe. It just hurts too much.

A sharp pain hits my stomach; a foot plants itself against my hand.

"OUCH!" I jet up to a sitting position with both my hands flat against my stomach.

Alec jumps up next to at the same time. His expression priceless, with is bed hair making him look like a scared little boy. But he was all man to me.

He's looking at me so worried. "Maxie, you alright?" He looks at me then at my stomach and back at me again.

"Uh huh, I am okay" I have a slight twitch from the pain, as I reply. I take his hand and slide it under mine.

He stills.

"OH MY GOD! It's I mean him, its him's foot, I mean foot him his, I mean his foot?" He's so close to my stomach I feel his breath. He has the biggest smile on his face. I think I just fell more in love with him.

He starts talking to my stomach. "Hey there, how are you? You kick like your momma you know that?" He starts placing butterfly kisses all over my stomach and my hands.

He laces his hand into mine. We both feel our baby kick one more time.

"I love you," he says to our interlaced fingers and he looks up at me to say, "I love you "

For some reason the contact made with his foot flat against my hand settles the storm with in me. My breath calms to a steady pace, tears beginning to stop and my body no longer shakes. He's trying to tell me something.

I say sweet nothings to my baby, apologizing to something he probably doesn't understand, but he will someday.

One day I will tell him about his father. About the man who made me a better person to be his mother. I will tell him about the times we argued about if he was a she. The times when he used to talk to him through my belly and kiss him before we slept and as soon as we woke to a new day. I will tell him about the plans we had for him, and tell him about how we argued about how his father better teach him how to treat a lady. He would have told him how much of a ladies man he was, I would have told you that if he ever taught you those things it would be the last thing he says. I would tell him that his father loved us both with everything he had. I would tell him how much I loved his father and how much I would give to have him be able to be here with us. Then I would tell him how his father was the reason why we were both alive to be with each other. I would tell him how he blurred just in time to push us out of the way of that truck. I would tell him that the last words that he told me was, that he loved us and that he was always going to be with us forever and that he would never leave.

"I love you, Alec." I let myself hear it and the baby inside me as well. "You never did leave me, your forever a part or me, a part of us." I kiss my fingers and touch my stomach.

It hurts, plain and simple.

Everyone said I would deal. It still did not make the pain any better.

But if I never did those things, I wouldn't have you, my baby. I would have never had the life I had shared with your father. I would have never been able to save a nation of people who you are going to meet pretty soon. I would have never learned what it really means to love and to be loved.

It hurts, plain and simple but it doesn't mean that it's the end.

"I love you Alec… forever" I reply to the darkness. I stand up and make my way to clean up the pieces of the broken lamp.