hello! I suppose I should introduce myself ;) I'm Beth, a somewhat new Casualty fan, I've been watching since June and managed to watch from series 25 onwards. you might know me on twitter as Bethstweeder. I thought I'd bite the bullet and upload my very first fanfic for casualty. This little idea started off as an idea for a one shot, but as I started writing, more and more ideas came into my head and I knew I had to make this a multichapter fic. I can't promise my updates will be very regular, I'm a 5th year drowning in CAs at school at the moment, but I'll try my best. Hope you enjoy!
"Time of death, 14:51."
I know now, I was in shock. Sometimes people deal with grief in weird ways, and in that moment, when those words nobody wanted to say rang out across resus, my immediate thought was how weird Zoe looked when she cried. She was our boss. When we were breaking down inside, she would always be the strong one, the one to pick us up off our feet and dust us down, and we could carry on. Now, she was crying. It was weird.
I watched her adjust her dress, crumpled from the effort of trying to save the person who now lay dead in front of us, and walk out of resus. I saw that mask she put on when she was approached by an elderly woman asking for directions. Her too-bright smile. Her kind, guiding hands, which minutes before had been covered in blood. I realise now I had never admired Zoe as much as I did in that moment.
I looked at the clock. 14:54. He'd been gone 3 minutes. I thought about my wife. When I looked at the body in front of me, just 30 years old, in some ways so young, about to get married to the love of his life, I thought of Natalie. How badly I had treated her. How this showed me how easily she could be taken away from me. She was carrying our fourth child and yet I'd barely acknowledged her since the moment I found out. Instead, I'd almost lost my job protecting Tess. Because I felt guilty.
I suppose I was selfish really. Soon, I'd have to tell his fiancée that he was gone. Instead I was thinking about myself.
"Fletch!" a hand grabbed my arm, snapping me back into reality.
"Hmm?"
"He's gone Fletch, you need to let go." the voice whispered. I spent a second wondering what on earth this person was talking about, until I looked down. My fingers hadn't left the pulse point in his wrist, in desperate hope his heart would start beating again. It wouldn't.
I looked up to find the source of the voice. It was Tess, her eyes swimming with tears.
"Are you sure?", my voice wavering. It was a stupid question, of course he was gone. I couldn't admit it to myself, because then it would be real. That day could have been a dream, I could be asleep. Rare, living with Evie, but I could've been asleep. It was a sick dream of course, but it was one I could laugh about with the rest of the ED at the pub after a shift.
"He's dead Fletch." Dead. The word made me feel sick.
I took hold of his still warm hand, squeezing it gently. "Don't worry mate, I'll make sure she's okay now. Remember you still owe me that pint. I'll miss you...we all will."
"Come on, you need to go get cleaned up."
I felt myself nodding, and Tess leading me out of resus. I didn't miss Zoe passing us though, leading the police into the room.
"This is Dr Thomas Kent. He died 10 minutes ago."
15:15. 24 minutes. I was laying on a bed in cubicles, now dressed in scrubs and waiting on Tess to come back and stitch the wound on my head. It seemed so unfair. This cut would heal, it would barely leave a scar and yet just yards away, Tom lay dead. If anyone, I should have been the dead one. Tess interrupted my thoughts.
"You could probably stitch this better than I could, you're the expert at stitching in this department right?"
I met her banter with a weak smile, as she injected the wound with lidocaine. I know what she was trying to do, she was trying to make me feel better, or to forget for a moment, but I couldn't. Normally I was good at forgetting a patient if they died, putting their lost life into a little spot in the back of my head. This time, I couldn't forget.
"Where's Sam?" I said, interrupting Tess' mindless chatter.
"On her way in." Tess said, solemnly. "She doesn't know yet, just that there was an accident."
"I need to tell her, when she comes in."
"No no, you're injured, you should be admitted really. Zoe and Charlie will do it, it's okay"
"I have to Tess, you don't understand. I made him a promise, I need to make sure she's okay. I was the last person to hear his voice, the last person he saw, she needs to hear it from me."
"But Fletch-"
"No Tess, I need to do this. Have Zoe in with me, whatever. I need to do this for him."
"Ok, ok, I'll let Zoe and Charlie know. Try and rest for now" she squeezed my shoulder, and left the cubicle, leaving me with my thoughts.
15:31. 40 minutes.
I was awoken from a restless sleep by the swooshing of the curtain, met by an extremely pale looking Zoe.
"Alright? Sam's just arrived, she's in the relatives room."
I nodded, and leapt to my feet a little too quickly, stumbling as the blood rushed to my feet, Zoe grabbing my arm.
"Woah, steady Fletch. Are you sure you're okay to do this?"
"I have to", pulling out of Zoe's grip. "Come on" I said, urgently.
15:33. 42 minutes.
I stopped by the door of the relatives room, my hand shaking as it went to grab the handle. I turned and glanced at Zoe, who looked as sick as I felt. I gave her a warm smile, trying to show my gratitude for her staying with me. Then I pushed down on the handle and opened the door.
My stomach dropped. I thought I was prepared for this, but I wasn't. I'd given bad news so many times before, but this was different. How do you tell a girl who you considered one of your closest friends that the man she was going to marry was dead, and that you saw him die? Heard his last words?
She was so pale. It wasn't often that Sam showed much emotion. I remember the first time I saw her upset. She and Tom had had an argument. Her eyes full of tears. It made me want to cry and punch Tom at the same time. Funny now, considering in just a few days time, I was supposed to be Toms best man at their wedding.
"Sam." My thoughts were broken into by Zoe, who walked across the room and sat on the chair across from Sam. I found my feet following, and joining Sam on the sofa.
"As you know, Tom was involved in an accident earlier, and was seriously injured. He went into cardiac arrest in the ambulance and they performed CPR. He'd suffered a massive brain injury and trauma to his legs. He was very very-"
"He's dead, isn't he?" Sam interrupted Zoe, shakily.
I reached over and took her hand, forcing her to meet my gaze.
"I'm sorry Sam, he didn't make it." I whispered.
I anticipated a wail. Normally when someone finds out their loved one is dead, they shriek, or sob, and then dissolve into tears. They ask to see them. I'm not sure why I expected a similar reaction from Sam. She was always calm, very rarely did she show any form of emotion. Apart from when she couldn't save a patient, but then she'd be angry.
I looked up at her, peaceful tears pouring down her face and dripping off her jaw.
"Why couldn't you save him? Why? Why him?" she muttered.
I wasn't entirely sure who she was talking to, herself, me, Zoe.
"He was very poorly Sam, there was no chance."
This answer from Zoe obviously provoked a response from Sam, one of anger.
"Isn't that what we do Zoe?!" she spat, "We save those people who are very poorly! You didn't try hard enough- y-you can't have, he shouldn't be dead!" her breathing was rapid, I was concerned she would have a panic attack. My eyes met Zoe's, she was obviously thinking the same.
I tried to grab her wrists gently, "Sam, calm down sweetheart"
Ripping her hands out of mine, she leapt to her feet, "Calm down?" she yelled between sobs, "Toms dead! My fiancé, he's dead. You didn't save him! Why didn't you save him? You saved Nicks fiancée when she was injured, she survived months! Is Tom not good enough for you? You think he drove Dylan out of Holby don't you? You're such a selfish bitch, Zoe!"
I still have no idea why Zoe had been the target of Sam's anger. I'm not sure Zoe does either, or even Sam herself.
I looked across at Zoe. She looked as terrified at this outburst as I expected, and tears were spilling down her cheeks.
Sam had got herself into a massive state, and Zoe was in no state to sort it out. I had to do something.
She picked up a glass that sat on the table.
"Sam, put the glass down" I heard myself say.
"No, n-n-no" she was muttering between short breaths. Her cheeks had lost even more colour, and I was worried she'd faint sooner rather than later.
"Zoe," I whispered, "Can you go and get oxygen?"
She nodded and left the room quickly.
"Sam darling, you need to put the glass down and calm down."
It was clear she wasn't there in her head, somewhat like myself when Zoe had declared Tom dead. That was nearly 60 minutes ago. An hour. The rattle of a trolley outside the door caught my attention briefly. It wasn't a typical patient trolley. A dead body lay there under the black cover. It was Tom.
I stood up quickly, walking purposefully towards Sam. I grabbed her shoulders.
"SAM" I said firmly. "You want to see Tom, don't you?"
Something clicked inside of her. I felt her physically slump under my hands, the glass she was clutching dangerously smash on the floor. Slowly, her eyes, so full of pain, met mine. She nodded.
"Okay. Let's go and sit down, yeah?"
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