The Hours
Made by: Star Angel Matsuyama ®
2004-2007
Loneliness… why do I feel so bad with this word? I don't feel imunity. Because of that, I can do nothing.
I have nobody and I delude myself with everything. I wait for you and I hope you to understand me the same way I always understood you.
But… I think I have waited too long… And I don't think you're going to leave everything behind and run to me, not now… Not after everything.
I do cry… because I have no motives to stay happy. And I cry for love and loneliness…
Everybody says that to die is the worse thing that can happen to a human being, or a youkai. But I don't think so… To love and to be rejected by this person is worse than be stabbed in the back, unprepared…
Because, even if you are alive, you can feel your heart restraining. As if a hand was squeezing it until it bleed… and I can't make it stop, it's something so deep that I'll never be able to stop, not even stop crying.
I will always wait, even knowing that I have no hope.
Everybody say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, at this point, I think they are right. Because when I looked at you, I could travel in the golden space of it, I could see things that I would never imagine to see. Things that scared me, and lovely things as well.
But every time that I came back to reality, I realized that your eyes weren't looking at me, but they were looking at her.
It was like seeing the world I made to myself falling down. It was like Naraku's claws had ripped my back and mutilated my sick heart in tiny little pieces, smaller than the jewel that I had broken once.
I feel getting smaller, and I don't know what to do. Why don't you help me? Why don't you see that I need you? Maybe it's because you are happy… or maybe it's because you are completely in love. This makes my heart break down even more.
I can do nothing about it. But I hope you are happy now, even that the person by your side isn't me. Even that I have to suffer until I can't breath.
I really love you, and I don't want to see you unhappy, that's the reason that I locked this feeling inside, so nobody knows how much love or pain I had and I still have for you.
But… it's becoming impossible. I torture my own heart and I condemn the feeling I had to have for you. For me another day is another pain… I still feel this pain, and I think it will never go away.
I feel pressed on what I feel for you and the effort I make to restrain this feeling… I don't think I will be able to support those oscillations for much longer. Those feelings are moving inside of me.
Now I fall in the floor without being able to move, my body don't obey me anymore.
I can't get up and I want you by my side. I want you to tell me that you love me. But I'm really becoming insane; because I am sure you would never do so. Even if I wanted or even if I asked you to do so… I know how you would react… in fact I already know, because I lived it.
My chest aches. I feel so much pain that I can't move. Maybe you still have good memories of the days we were looking for the Jewel. If I wanted I could go back to your time, but the fear don't let me do it. Because I know that I will see you with her. And I want you to be happy this way but, I won't be able to control myself, and I know that I will burst into tears… and hic-ups won't let me talk.
I want to stay still… my heart aches so much. And if this pain doesn't go away I rather just stay still forever. Without moving, without doing anything.
I am dying… dying for real. Dying from the inside and for the pain.
I don't think I'll make too long, my body doesn't obey me… and it's really hard to let my eyes open. Even though tears fall down through it.
I can't move a finger, or even my eyes. I feel suffocated… if you could see at least my eyes; I know you would feel guilty, because in those, there are just agony and pain.
I'll stop… I know that I'm going to stop breathing, stop dreaming… stop loving… I have to say goodbye to you, but how… I don't know.
I remember the day as if it was today, the day I asked you who you loved the most… who was the one that had your heart. I had just declared myself, and I really shy and ashamed at your presence. But even though I wanted to know if you had any feelings for me… I still don't know if it was the best thing to do.
"I'm sorry" – you said in a low voice, looking down, just to try not to look at my eyes, because you knew they were full of tears, and you told me you had someone special enough, that had your heart long ago, before we met. You told me that the person was her. The only name I didn't want to hear coming out of your mouth. Kikyou. You told me you loved me, but it was a pure love, like a father has for its own daughter, you were just worried about my safety, that's all.
That made me happy, it truly did… You answered me without trying to trick me, I was happy, because I knew she would make you happy. But the sadness was greater than my happiness, and it still burns inside of me. Making me more and more depressive. There were days that I didn't get out of the bed, but I had to, or at least try, to get over it.
I could never control the feelings that flooded me. In that day, I know that you looked back, tried to wave a goodbye without looking at my eyes. You did start to walk slowly, I couldn't hold myself, and I fell on the floor, with my hands on my head. At that point you stopped, feeling even guiltier. I burst into tears by that second, tears fell from my eyes in a crazy way, and it just didn't stop… I knew that that day would stay in my memory forever and would have an enormous meaning, but I just couldn't stop… I had the most awful pain in my heart. But I could do nothing to stop, I stayed still for a long time, I don't know exactly how many hours I spent there crying, but the shock was big enough to wound me for life.
You walked slowly to the village again, I knew you loved her, but when you told me in person, it did hurt more than in my dreams. Dreams that I had with you, and we were happy together, but now I know who you love, and I know who you will spend your life with.
Now I'm here, laying down on the floor, without the ability to do anything. I can't move and I can't move those feeling away either. Maybe I can do nothing, but I just hope those memories could to stay away from my mind. I wish I was able to control everything, but I can't…
I want you by my side and I want you NOW!
I know my end is near, and those feelings don't get away from my mind or my heart. Those are feeling of fear, loneliness, pain, love… but I don't know why all this… I can't scream for help. It wouldn't be any help anyways; I'm alone in the house.
I don't know what to do. I just wanted to see your face before I die, die for the pain and for the loneliness.
But it seems that every time, something has to split us apart… always the love… always the destiny… always the years… always the hours…
Hello everybody
that's my first fanfic in english, so probably is not the best thing ever, but it's one-shot anyways
i'm from brazil and always did in portuguese, but now, as i'm an exchange student here in u.s. i decided to try
i hope u guys like it... and don't criticize so much k?
kisses
Star Angel Matsuyama