I do not own Degrassi but that doesn't keep me from obsessing over it this is inspired by the song The Moment I Said It by Imogen Heap listen to it while reading if you like I'll let you know when you can start the song if you want.
Clares got something on her mind
Clare's POV
There he is standing by his locker, he and Adam are laughing probably about something random Adam said or did, I hate this feeling knowing that what I will tell him will change his mood and most likely change us. I still don't feel like what happened actually happened I try to tell myself that I am just really vulnerable right now with everything with my family but that is an excuse to make myself feel better about what I did. I hate myself right now but you know who I hate more KC, he knows that he really hurt me when he just gave up on us and that no matter whats going on in your life when an old flame comes back telling you that they want you again its hard to deny them, FUCK I hate this I hate that I couldn't stop thinking about KC finding me in the library last week seeming innocent just asking for notes for some class but then when he whispered in my ear "I owe you" his hot breath stirring an old feeling inside me. I tried to shake it away, I am with Eli and I couldn't be happier but I just couldn't get that phrase out of my head. Why did he have to whisper it, was he trying to suggest something?
When he showed up at my balcony window the next night out of breath I knew that my hypothesis had been correct. He sort of fell into my room and on top of me when I opened the door, I shoved him off quickly but the damage had already been done I felt oh man I felt something for him in that brief moment of intense closeness. He didn't say anything he just smiled and leaned forward my mind was telling me to pull back but something inside wouldn't let me. As he captured my lips is his he took me up into his arms lifting my feet right off the floor I forgot how small I felt within his hold. Stop Clare stop what about Eli, but I couldn't stop it felt too good I wanted him to want me for so long and just the realization that he and I were together at that moment had too strong of a hold on me to let me control what i was doing. We stood there wrapped up in each others embrace for what seemed like eternity. I finally came back to reality and pull myself back. I looked at KC with tears filling my eyes. What did I just do? Why? I shakily asked him to leave and he reluctantly obliged my request.
Oh no he's coming this way this is where I have to say what I have been dreading all day. "we have to talk" he kind of stood there dumbfounded for all he knew everything was great couldn't be better. Boy was he naive. He grazed my forearm with his hand sweetly asking, "everything alright Clare?" God that made me feel even worse he had no idea that he was going to hate me before the day was over. I asked him to come over later that night when everyone was asleep I didn't want any interruptions. He swallowed hard but gave me a genuine smile which I took in every aspect of thinking it might be the last time he smiled my way.
Could time be going by any slower, I need to just get this over with I need it to stop eating at me. I feel so weak, all I need is for Eli to hold me but I know that when I tell him holding me is the last thing he'll want. tap tap Oh no he's here I almost jumped out of my skin when I heard him on the balcony. I tried to walk over to open it as if my whole world wasn't about to crumble. He just looked at me with concern in his eyes, I quickly looked down, he touched his warm hand to my cheek making me look into his eyes, I knew that he could practically read my every thought when he gestured for us to sit down on my bed to talk.
Start song now
I'm not sure how I actually got the words to come from the labyrinth of my mind and spill out so quickly into Eli's ears. He was just silent the blink of his eyelids bulldozed the life out of me. "sadly things just happen we cant...explain." he stood up quickly saying that he needed to go I told him that I wanted him to stay there it was late and I didn't want him driving when he wasn't thinking straight. He looked at me with rage and tears filling his eyes. "you think I'm going to do anything you ask me now, when you just, you jjjjusst" he couldn't even finish he started walking towards the door I ran after him falling to the ground holding onto his leg for dear life,he just stood there silent and took out his phone "who are you calling at this hour, sit down come 'round I need you now, we'll work it all out together, just stay with me please" I felt a tinge of hope when he let out a sigh he turned toward me only to lean against the door and slide down covering his face. "please look at me, I'm so sorry, I'm such an idiot, I ruined everything. "I love you!" I blurted out I had known that I was in love with Eli for sometime now but I had never actually told him. He looked up at me silent, "Say something...please"
His eyes looked completely vacant of any thought he stood up fast and grabbed a picture of him and I off my dresser and smashed it against the wall, yelling" don't tell me you love me, if you loved me you would never have... fuck Clare, WHY?" "why couldn't I be everything you needed, your everything I need and now..." he trailed off before finishing.
Eli's POV
I wanted to hate her but I couldn't I wanted her to hurt how I was hurting at this very moment. Why would she do this I thought she was over him I thought I was enough "why am I not enough Clare?" she stood there silent looking so weak but so beautiful to me at the same time her lips were quivering I could tell she was searching for the words but I stopped her before she could speak with a kiss. She didn't protest she just melted into it and tangled he arms around me. I don't think either of us wanted to let go for fear of never having this felling again. I used all the force I had inside me and pulled away. Her whole body went limp I quickly captured her in my arms before she hit the floor. "Clare are you okay?" I just picked her up and put her on her bed where we sat in silence. "you are enough it was just a mistake" Clare's words echoed in me. I looked at her and without saying anything I pulled her into me. I want everything to be good again but I just don't want to act like this didn't happen. "Just tell me why"
She hid in the crook of my neck and I could feel her tears sliding down my chest. "he just hurt me so much when he left me alone, it was so abrupt when it happened I thought everything was great and suddenly he just didn't want me anymore, so when he showed up at my house that night I don't know I guess I didn't realize how much I wanted him to want me, but Eli I was stupid so stupid I love you and I know that's not what you want to hear but its the truth I love hearing my name come from your lips, I love the feeling I get when you touch me I love seeing your eyes light up when you see me I am in love with you and after everything with KC happened I realized that he would never be what you are to me you are everything. I sat there just taking everything she said in. She reached up and brushed the hair out of my face making sure I could no longer hide behind it. I looked into her eyes and breathed her in "I love you". At that moment we knew that we were both wrapped into every fiber of each others being, we just laid down content and fell asleep within our own world.