Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings. I wonder who does, since Tolkien is dead long ago.

10 things Sauron really, really need

Summary: 10 things Sauron would need while he's still in that eyeball form

1. A good wash everyday, or all that dust in Mordor will kill him before the destruction of the ring does.

2. A respiratory system which works. It's a wonder how he's still alive for so long without one although now that I think about it, since he has survived so long without one, he should be able to live a bit longer, at least long enough for the ring's destrution to kill him.

3. A brain which functions. It's amazing how he almost managed to conquer Middle Earth without one.

4. A digestive system. It's nothing short of a miracle that he could survive without food. For course, since he's got the Ring, I suppose that doesn't count.

5. Lots of eyedrops, although I'm not sure whether he needs it or not, but he should have some kind of eye infection by now, which can be very serious since his whole body consists of a single eyeball.

6. Some physical exercise or his muscles will degerate or something. Since he can't really move, letting some orcs play football or soccer with him can count as physical exercise.

7. Someone to clean that stand his body is in or he'll get all kinds of eye infection. Sauron fans will probably fight over that honour.

8. Contact lenses. After straining his eye to see things amazingly far away, he should be suffering from myopia.

9. Someone to keep him company. Excessive amounts of time spent alone on top of that tower may result in mental problems, at least that's what I read somewhere.

10. A good poke every now and then, to show him who's boss.

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Notes: Although I feel a bit guilty about writing this when I'm supposed to do my homework, I couldn't help writing it anyway. Admittingly, when I started writing this, I had only the last one in mind. I had to improvise the rest so I wouldn't mind if no one found it funny, but since I'm dreadful at writing humor anyway, it probably doesn't matter anyway.