I haven't watched Corrie in a while, but I was browsing some youtube vids and I remembered how much I loved Sophie and Sian. Please, please, please review if you read!

"You're the one that I love – no-one else, not ever."

It's the kind of thing kids say, isn't it? The kind of thing you can say with a straight face when you're a teenager, because teenagers don't know any better. Like, you don't even know you're lying, because you don't know that it's not the truth.

Except in Sian's case. She'd said it, and she'd meant it, like any stupid teenager. But she hadn't meant to mean it – and surely everything that had happened since (the world's worst wedding, finding out that Sophie was a lying, cheating scumbag) should've soured every little bit of feeling she'd ever had for Sophie.

But it hadn't. That didn't mean that she was forgiving Sophie – not now, not ever, because there were some things you couldn't forgive…but it didn't stop Sian still loving her either.

She didn't want to, and everything she'd ever felt for Sophie bubbled into this awful miserable rage that pounded through her like a heartbeat. She told herself it was hatred, pure and simple.

It wasn't though.

The first bloke she sleeps with, after Sophie – his name is Patrick Carter. She doesn't know him all that well, and they're not, like, going out or anything. They just hang out with some of the same people.

It just…happens.

That's not exactly true. She lets it happen. Afterwards she's mortified and she feels like a complete slapper, because she's never done anything like that before – Ryan, and Sophie, that was it, and with both of them, they'd been proper relationships. Not this – one night stand. God, it seems nasty. Cheap. Dirty.

But while it's happening, it feels like the biggest fuck you to Sophie. Like – you thought you mattered to me? Thought you changed me? Well, babe, you ain't changed nothin'.

It's her way of trying to get back to who she was before Sophie. Because before Sophie, she'd never thought about girls. She hadn't ever even thought about Sophie until Sophie'd kissed her out of the blue and opened her eyes. Changed her. Ruined her.

Before Sophie everything had been so much easier. Simpler. But she finds out, while Patrick's unfastening her bra, breathing heavily into her neck, sliding his hand up her thigh – that there isn't any way back.

Because she might not ever have thought about Sophie before…but she can't stop thinking about her now.

All that though…it just makes her angrier. Because Sophie did all that – kissed her, made Sian fall in love with her, changed her…and for what? Nothing. Just to end up trampling Sian's heart into the dirt.

The first girl she sleeps with, after Sophie, it's worse. Because being with a girl feels familiar enough that it just makes Sian feel the differences between this girl and Sophie even more sharply. Louise, her name is, and a mutual friend sets them up. "You two are so perfect for each other – I'm not even kidding. Promise me you'll text her?"

They go to a film and for chips afterwards, and it's alright. Nice. Louise is nice. So Sian thinks why not? It's not like she has a girlfriend any more, right? It's not like she has a fiancée.

So on the third date, when Louise invites her up for coffee, Sian says okay.

In a way, this time, it feels like an even bigger fuck you to Sophie. Though Sian doesn't know why. It hurts more too, because it reminds her of Sophie, even though it's nothing like. Maybe because it's nothing like.

She doesn't stay afterwards, even though Louise wants her to. She has a kind of weird mental breakdown, actually. The second it's over, she gets up because she can't stay there.

"Bathroom's just outside, on the left," Louise says, but Sian starts picking up her clothes and putting them on. "I don't need the bathroom," she says. "I've got to go home."

"You've got to go home?" Louise repeats. "Right now?"

She sounds disbelieving. It's awful, but Sian pulls up her jeans and says, "Yeah. I've got to go home."

"What – you mean…that's it? You got what you came for and now you're buggering off home? Well, that's nice."

Sian shakes her head, but all she can say is, "I've got to go home."

"Go on then – no-one's stopping you!" Louise says.

She hugs herself as she walks back to her place, like she's afraid her stomach will just fall out if she doesn't keep her arms protectively in front of her. But it's not until she turns the key in her own door and closes it behind her that she comes apart.

Because she'd wanted to go home, right from Louise's first kiss…but she hadn't meant a place. She slides down the door, keys still in her hand and starts to cry.

The next day, her friend Hannah, the one who'd set her up with Louise, comes round to scream at her. But when Sian opens the door, she takes in Sian's red, swollen eyes and says, "What happened to you, then? You look like you've been through the wars."

Sian shakes her head.

"I'm really cross, you know. That was not on, what you did to Louise."

"I know," Sian says. "I'm sorry." Her mouth twists.

"All right, all right – I'm not going to have a go at you," Hannah says. "I was, but…look at the state of you. Come on."

She pulls Sian into the kitchen and makes her a cup of tea and makes her tell her the whole story, Sophie included.

"Wow," Hannah says, when she's finished. "I don't know what to say." She pushes her glasses up on her nose. "That's not your typical awful breakup. That's epic, that is."

Sian laughs a little, without humour, then wipes her sleeve across her eyes and says, "You know the worst part though?"

Hannah shakes her head.

"Even while I'm hating her and wishing I'd never met her – part of me really, really wants to talk to her about it."

"What? So you can tell her how you feel? That's normal."

Sian shakes her head a little, but doesn't answer, because it's weirder than that. There's all this bubbling, boiling anger inside her, directed straight at Sophie, which is just like it should be. But there's another part of her that wants to curl up against Sophie's shoulder and talk to her, tell her about this awful person that hurt Sian and broke her heart, and let Sophie comfort her. Like Sophie wasn't the same person who'd broken her heart in the first place.

It gets a bit better after that, because she's got Hannah, and Hannah listens to her whenever she needs to moan about Sophie. She doesn't do that all the time or anything – she's not that pathetic, but it's like all her feelings build up until there's so much pressure inside her that she has to let it out.

So every so often, Hannah ends up making her a cup of tea and letting her talk it out.

Hannah's a good friend. She's clever (like Sophie), and kind (like Sian used to think Sophie was), and she's just really together (unlike Sophie, who was a total mess, a 24 hour crisis).

She's a really good friend. But…it's not like with Sophie, when they were friends. They don't look at each other and burst out laughing.

Sometimes, Sian thinks that's what she's angriest about. Her and Sophie had been friends. Not even friends like her and Hannah. Best friends.

More than that.

She'd said it to Sophie, hadn't she? Before they'd even kissed – she'd said, You are more important to me than any lad, d'you hear me? And she'd meant it, every word.

They could have kept that. Sometimes Sian imagines it – this world where they'd both got married and had kids, but they phoned each other all the time, and met up for coffees and had special just-us-girls sun holidays once every year.

But instead, Sophie'd had to go and spoil it all.

Though, when she remembers those first kisses, something jumps in her stomach, twists like a knife in her chest, and she thinks spoil isn't the right word at all.

One time, she sleeps with a girl who reminds her of Sophie. She sleeps with her because this girl reminds her of Sophie. Herself and Hannah and some other friends are in a club and full on, under the lights, the girl isn't that much like Sophie.

But between the sheets and in the dark, her shape and hair and face are close enough that Sian can pretend. Close enough that she doesn't even feel embarrassed leaving the club, or worried about what Hannah or her friends will think.

It doesn't feel like it's happening now – she won't let it feel like that. She never pretends for even a second that it's now and she's with Sophie, because she would never, ever even speak to Sophie again after what she'd done, so sleeping with her would be totally out of the question.

She pretends that she's gone back in time though. That somehow, she's found a way back to the past, when things were good, before Sophie wrecked everything. And for one night, one night only, she lets herself love Sophie. Just love her.

The next morning, the girl puts her number into Sian's mobile, but as soon as she's outside, she deletes it.

A night is one thing – any more than that would just make her a pathetic saddo.

It gets better, of course, and she even manages to hang on to a couple of girlfriends for a while. Longer than a couple of dates or a one night stand, anyway.

The problem is – it just doesn't go away completely. Her feelings for Sophie are like – a page that's been written on with ink. Maybe it fades a little over time, but you can't erase it completely.

Sian can't erase it completely.

She finds herself talking to Sophie – not for real or anything, and not even out loud, because she's not a nutter. But sort of…inside her head, yeah.

Like, anytime she hears something funny and Hannah doesn't get it, part of her says to the memory of Sophie Webster in her head, 'You'd laugh at that. Wish I could tell you– but whose fault is it that I can't, eh?'

Or when Hannah changes her hair, chops it off and cuts a fringe – which frames her face nicely – a small part of Sian says, 'I don't think I liked it so much when you had a fringe. It didn't suit you.'

And whenever she picks up one of Hannah's books and skims the back of it, she thinks, 'You were so smart, Soph – remember your GCSE results? Clever. So much you could've done. But you're your own worst enemy – you know that?'

She wonders if Sophie's still there – in Weatherfield. Working in a shop (the Corner Shop. Maybe alongside Amber. Very cosy) – and even as the picture twists her stomach with bitterness, the worst part is, she's never going to know.

And then, on her birthday, Hannah kisses Sian. They've been out, and had a couple of drinks, but Hannah's not drunk. She says, very clearly before she leans in, "I'm probably going to regret this, but…" and she touches her lips to Sian's.

Afterwards, she says, "Weren't expecting that, were you?"

All Sian can do is shake her head and say, "No. I wasn't."

"Yeah. I didn't think so. Don't take this the wrong way," she says, with her usual bluntness, "but you're a bit rubbish at picking up signals."

Sian's never thought that, but maybe it's true. She'd never picked up on Sophie either, before she'd kissed her. The memory pokes her and she has to look away.

"Oh come on. It wasn't that bad, was it?" Hannah asks.

Sian looks at her. "It's not that. It's just…I never thought about it before."

"Maybe you should. Don't you think it's worth a try, at least?"

It's not at all romantic. But Hannah's not a very romantic person. She's straightforward and Sian likes her, and she's not Sophie.

"All right," she says.

And it's nice. It's good. It's a proper relationship – the kind of relationship two grown-ups would have (hear that, Soph? Grown ups). They move in together after a year, and it's, yeah…good.

Different, of course. But then, obviously it would be.

Just, no matter how good it is…it's like some part of Sian's expecting something else. Wanting something else.

It's stupid. Just because she and Hannah don't look at each other and crack up, like stupid, immature kids and just because no matter how much she cares about Hannah, it feels…duller, and less than what she felt for Sophie (the lying, cheating scumbag) – that doesn't mean that what she and Hannah have isn't real.

It is real. It's just…not what it should be.

Hannah knows it too, because one night, out of the blue, she says, "I love you."

Sian freezes in the middle of the floor. "What?"

"You heard me. I love you," Hannah says. She says it so matter-of-factly, the way she says everything, like she's just announced they need more milk or something.

Sian can't say it back. She stands in the middle of the floor, and if she ever hated Sophie, it's nothing to how she feels now, because she still loves her so much she can't say it back to her girlfriend of almost two years.

The silence ticks by and Hannah says, "The thing is, you're still hung up on Sophie."

Sian can't deny it, even though she hates that it's true.

"I can sort of understand it," she says. "I mean…she was your first. The first person you love is special."

Yeah. Except in Sian's case she'd turned out to be a special lying, cheating scumbag.

"But I don't think you love her anymore."

Sian frowned.

"I think, with everything that happened – everything she put you through…you just…built it up – how you felt. If you saw her again – talked to her…I bet you'd see that."

"Maybe," Sian says noncommittally, even while something in her chest rejects every single word.

"The thing is," Hannah says, and she takes Sian's hand in hers. "We can't move forward until you sort this. Because I'm not a Sophie-substitute, and I can't go on, feeling like I'm never going to live up to how you felt about her."

Sian looks at her. It's late, so she's taken her contacts out, and she's wearing her glasses, with the red frames. Her fringe is getting long. "I'm sorry," Sian says. "I didn't mean to make you feel like…like you didn't matter to me. You do matter to me."

"Good," Hannah says. "Then prove it. Show me. Sort this out. For both our sakes."

The second she steps off the bus and onto the Weatherfield cobbles, her stomach clenches tight. For a moment she hesitates, because she can hear herself say, so clearly, You're the one that I love - no one else, not ever. She can remember the feeling - like it's only just a hand-reach away...like it never left at all.

But she forces herself to think of Hannah - sensible, straightforward Hannah, who thinks Sian doesn't love Sophie anymore. Sian isn't sure she believes that herself, no matter how convincing Hannah's arguments had been. Still, she makes herself move forward.

Because Hannah's her future, and that means that she's got to sort out her past.