Disclaimer: I have no affiliation with science fiction's ultimate form, Star Trek. Long live Gene Roddenberry's creation!
Captain's Log, Stardate 3958.3676937 or something like that: USS Enterprise on patrol near the Federation border with the Klingons. While these patrols are mostly uneventful, they are enjoyable for me because I get a chance to refresh myself on the historic battles of Garth of Izar and others. Spock is currently in command for the next few days while I take a few unofficial days off with a pretty lieutenant.
The intercom whistled. "Spock to Kirk. Captain, are you there?"
Pretty girl #78 giggled from underneath Kirk. "Spock, this isn't the best time, can it wait?"
"I'm sorry, Jim, but we just received a hail from a Klingon D7 cruiser. It was very brief, but I do not know how to proceed. May I patch the transmission through to your screen?"
The Captain sighed, and moved off #78. "Fine, Spock, go right ahead and wreck my good time with my new friend here." The girl giggled again.
The screen, activated remotely by the bridge, showed a Klingon, who said, "You pathetic humans will be crushed by our Empire!" Kirk paused it then, thinking, "Okay, how is this different than any other Klingon transmission?" and resumed it. The Klingon then stuck out his tongue at the screen, and ended the transmission.
"Kirk to bridge!"
"Spock here, Captain."
"Send a coded subspace message to Starfleet Command. On this Stardate, I, using my prerogative as Captain of a vessel, declare war on the Klingon Empire for being hopelessly naïve." He then turned to #78 and said, "Sorry, sweet, but I have a war to wage. Can you wait until then?" She nodded, giggling again.
"I copy, Captain, but I must warn you of the consequences of your decision. You and the USS Essex are the only ships patrolling the border, and two ships is never a good fleet."
"Spock, remember that we are the Enterprise, and because of that, we can never be destroyed. Haven't you ever seen the show?" Stony silence was the response.
"Now that you agree with me, let's declare war and go destroy the Klingon Empire!" Just then, Dr. McCoy rushed into the cabin.
"Jim, what the hell do you think you're doing? If you go through with this, I'll have to say 'He's dead, Jim' so many times you'll put me in the brig for sounding like a broken record!"
"Bones, don't you know how to knock? I'm busy here!" #78 giggled again. "Lieutenant, if you can't stop giggling, then you'll have to leave. Got it?" She started crying. "Lieutenant, if you won't stop acting like you're in a soap opera, you WILL have to leave." She stopped crying and started pouting. "Well, that's better, at least you're being quiet. Now, Bones, what is it?"
"Jim, why aren't you listening? I was saying that you shouldn't declare war!"
"By saying this, do you realize that you're agreeing with Spock?"
"I—well—erm—Go ahead and declare war! I just won't say anything when I tell you 'I told you so!'"
"Much better, Doctor. Now, follow me to the bridge and go pester Spock some, I need to laugh at somebody right about now." They proceeded to the nearest turbolift and went to the bridge.
"Spock, report."
"Twenty-Five Birds of Prey have decloaked around us, sir. We're trapped. Your orders?"
"Red alert, Spock. General Quarters. Have all crew man their posts. We're in for a long battle."
Uhura opened up a ship wide channel. "RED ALERT, RED ALERT, ALL HANDS TO BATTLE STATIONS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. REPEAT, RED ALERT, ALL HANDS TO BATTLE STATIONS!"
Kirk then looked at the back of Chekov's head. "Ensign, plot a course that, at full impulse, will weave in and out around all the Klingons."
"Aye, Keptin. My path will take us through this path. Going onscreen." A complicated knot came up on the screen around a sphere of twenty-five dots. "The dots are the Klingon wessels. Certain places in the course will require High Energy Turns."
"Kirk to Engineering, prepare engines for HETs. Kirk out. Ensign, continue."
"I've finished, Keptin."
"Fine. Sulu, execute the course at full impulse, and fire at will."
"Aye, sir! Firing phasers and photon torpedoes!" Sulu began firing on the vessel in front of him. It blew up at the first hit from a phaser. Wow, those Klingons are weak ships next to the Enterprise, huh? A torpedo hit the next ship, and it plummeted out of control into another Bird of Prey, and both blew up. Man, this was made for TV!
"Activate the artificial battle sounds!" Speakers around the bridge started making engine and weapon noises of the Klingon vessels nearing the Enterprise, firing their disruptors. The ship rocked under the impact of a pair of disruptor shots. "Damage report, Spock!"
"No damage, Shields down two percent, no injuries or casualties reported."
"Good! Continue fire!" Streams of phaser fire poured from the ship, blowing up two more ships.
"Chekov, change course to 143 mark 6."
"Keptin, that will ram us with a Klingon wessel!"
"Noted, Ensign. Execute! Sulu, fire on the ship in front of us!" Two phaser beams and a torpedo impacted on the Klingon ship, which blew up as soon as the Enterprise flew through the smoke and flames. Too bad a camera wasn't there for later viewing, or this would be TV heaven!
"Spock, take over, you can do this from here. When combat has completed, secure from GQ and send a message to Starfleet, rescinding the last transmission."
"Captain, you have to stop doing this every week. One of these days, Starfleet or the Klingons will take you seriously and declare war on each other, and we'll be in a real war."
"Okay, Spock, I'll wait two weeks before the next 'war'. Does that work?"
"Perfectly, Captain. Enjoy your newest female friend."
"Will do, Spock."
Captain's Log, Supplemental: Combat this week was too fast. Klingons need to work on shield and hull design, and even more on their weapons. We had no damage and the shields, at their lowest, were at 98% at the height of combat.
"Now, my dear, let's continue where we left off, shall we?" #78 smiled seductively, and the ending credits and music began.