I don't own Death Note in any way, shape or form.
Matt POV
I was in my car, on the way to the nearest game store when I got a call. The call that started the weirdest night of my life.
"Yo," I answered on the second ring. The caller idea identified the number as Mello's cell phone. I didn't hear anything except a shrill scream, glass breaking, and what sounded like a cat being strangled.
"Uh... hello?" I tried again. The line went dead. "Great," I muttered, pulling around traffic and swerving into a side road to speed back home.
A few minutes later, I jumped out of the car and trudged up to the front door, not sure if I wanted to go inside. Sighing, I turned the knob and pushed the door open. Well, I tried to anyway. As soon as the door swung a few inches forward it slammed back at me, like someone had pushed it closed again. A girlish laugh was heard from inside.
"Eh..." was all I could manage to say. I didn't know of any girls who would be around here. Except maybe Near... I still wasn't sure about him.
Figuring it wouldn't take much to force the front door open, I placed my hand against it and shoved the wood so hard that my hand literally went right through the door. I blinked, then shrugged and walked in after turning the knob from the inside.
The first thing I saw was a flash of white and black dart past me and around the corner.
"L? That you?" I called. No answer. Maybe he was busy. I headed into the living room, where a horrible screeching noise was emanating from. I thought this might be the dying feline I had heard earlier.
What I saw was far worse than any animal murder scene. Mello, decked out in his usual leather pants, but wearing a black bikini top instead of his regular attire, and with a few more new features including black stilettos and long, fake eyelashes, was standing on the coffee table holding a hairbrush to his lips and... singing?
"Papa-paparazzi," Mello "sung". He did a sort of cheerleader-type kick and batted his eyelashes at the couch, which was empty except for a pile of stuffed animals.
"Mello... what the hell are you doing?" I inquired, staring at him in horror.
"Don't call my name, don't call my name... Alejandro!" he responded, not acknowledging me at all.
"My name isn't Alejandro... where's Near and BB?" As if to answer half my question, Near came barreling around the corner. If him actually moving for once wasn't shocking enough, he was wearing a diaper and carrying a kid's sippy cup. I froze to the place I was standing.
"Near... what happened to you?" Had they all lost their minds while I was gone?
"Mommy, BB won't let me go potty!" he informed me in a high, whining voice. Yep, they had all lost their minds. I could only blink profusely in response.
"Mommy?" Near asked, tugging my sleeve. I looked at him.
"Wait, why am I Mommy? Why can't Lady GayGay over there be Mommy?" I asked him, jerking my thumb in the direction of the dancing Mello. Near ignored me and grabbed my hand, towing me toward the bathroom.
The door to the bathroom was shut and locked, but the light was on and there was definitely some evil laughing coming from beyond it. Near stomped up to the entrance with his arms crossed, in full out pout mode, and looked at me expectantly. Completely regretting being alive at this point, I reached up and knocked on the door.
"BB, ya in there?" I called.
"Mwuhahahahahaha!" he answered.
"Okay, I'm assuming that's a yes. Near has to go... potty," I announced, flinching at the word, "Can you get out of the bathroom?"
Something loud and heavy-sounding hit the door. I sighed. BB growled. Near glanced at the ceiling and shrieked like a kindergarten girl before running down the hall waving his arms over his head like a maniac.
Instinctively, I looked up. Crawling on the ceiling, much like something from The Grudge, was L.
"HEY MATT! WHAT'S UP? OH, THAT'S RIGHT, I AM! HAHAHAHA!" he shouted.
I stared, pretty sure my eyes were just about to fall out of my head.
"WEEEEEEEEEE!" L yelled with joy as he crawled around on the ceiling at top speed.
With my gaze fixed on the horror unfolding around me, I retreated to my room to wait the rest of the night -or maybe the rest of my life- out.
Maybe five minutes after I made it into my room, my bedroom door flew off it hinges and crashed against the opposite wall. Let's say that I didn't scream like a little girl at this. Standing in the doorway was Near. Shit.
"Mommy!" he screeched, his tiny voice breaking through octaves not previously known to mankind. "I have to go potty really bad!"
Okay, this couldn't go on much longer. I had to get BB out of the damn bathroom so Near would leave me alone. I was slightly curious as to how he broke -no, destroyed- my door. But that would have to wait until after this ordeal was over with.
I stood up and stepped out of my personal bubble, grabbing Near's hand and sulking all the way to the bathroom. This time, I didn't knock like some girl scout, I pounded on the bathroom door with my free hand. I heard BB growl again, this time it was much more intimidating.
"What?" he snarled from inside the bathroom.
"Get out. You're making more problems than we need." I stated in what I thought was a reasonable tone.
"NEVER! THIS BATHROOM IS MINE! MINE! GO AWAY, PEASANTS!" BB screamed.
"Did he just call us peasants?" I muttered.
"I'm not a bird!" Near wailed, "And I'm going potty outside!"
With that, he ran down the hallway and into the living room and out into the night. Oh well, I thought, but this BB bathroom situation might need to be resolved.
"Beyond Birthday! Open the door!" I yelled.
"Shut up before I make you my slave! LEAVE!" he yelled back.
"Yeah right! You make me your slave? I all have to do is wave a jar of jam over your head and you'd do anything I told you to," I stated. Then I slapped myself. Duh, Matt, give him some damn jam!
That, of course, was enough to get BB to break down yet another one of our doors.
"Jam? JAM? I WANT JAM! Will you give me jam pretty please, Matty-matt?" the creep begged from the bathroom floor.
"Um...yeah, sure. Follow me." I walked into the kitchen, on the look-out for any sugar crazy detectives that might be lurking around, and opened the fridge. I could practically feel Beyond Birthday breathing on my neck as I rifled through the shelves. Then I finally found what I was looking for- a half filled jar of strawberry jam. It was well past its expiration date -which was surprising, considering that BB lived here- but that didn't matter.
"Okay, Beyond. Sit!" I commanded. The tamed weirdo complied, eying the jam and licking his lips. "Good boy. Now fetch!" With that, I threw the jar out the kitchen window, shattering it totally, and watched in a mix of amusement and horror as BB bounded after it on all fours.
I heard Near scream from outside before seeing him jump in the window that BB had just exited from. I sighed.
"One down, three to go," I muttered. Oh, and only three doors left unharmed so far.
Before I could even think about relaxing, a scream and several thudding noises were heard from the living room. Near darted towards the sounds and I reluctantly followed.
Upon entering the living room, I was assaulted by a half-naked blond guy wielding a feather pillow.
"MELLO! WHAT THE HELL?" I shouted, shoving him off me. Mello stood up and batted his eyelashes at me.
"I'm sorry, Alejandro! I thought you were the paparazzi," he explained in the fakest, girliest voice I've ever heard.
"My name isn't Alejandro! It's Matt! MATT!"
"Oh, who's this Matt guy? He sounds cute. Maybe him and me can make a bad romance."
"THAT'S IT!" I punched Mello in his made-up face. He fell on the ground and stared up at me.
"I don't like your love games, Alejandro..." he muttered before passing out.
Near stared at me, then looked at the unconscious Mello, then back at me. He grabbed one of Mello's stiletto-ed feet and dragged him over to a closet, shoved him inside, and shut the door.
"Mommy, can we play legos now?" Near asked innocently.
"Sure. It's not like I got anything better to do now that my boyfriend is knocked out and in the closet." I shrugged.
Near squealed happily and dragged me down the hallway to his room. My jaw dropped at the scene. Every inch of Near's room was covered by a solid layer of Legos. It was like a multicolored horror land. Not a speck of the original floor, ceiling, or walls showed through the masterpiece. Even the furniture was Legoed out.
Near dragged a box out from under his bed and dumped its contents on the floor. He started to build a little platform and after a few minutes he had a four-foot tower going. Since the albino kid was occupied, I tried to sneak out of the room.
Before I could even make it out the door, a section of Lego wall exploded and L ran up to Near, shrieking like a banshee. The screaming man tackled the newly-formed Lego tower, then proceeded to beat it to smaller pieces. I imagine Near was in shock, seeing as he could only stare in horror for a few brief seconds, but then he gave his own war cry and started hitting the other detective with a lamp.
"Mommy! He's hurting my Legos! Make him stop!" he screeched.
I reluctantly jumped in between the two and confiscated Near's lamp. I didn't have time to say anything before L bit my shoulder and tackled me to the ground.
"NOM NOM NOM! YOU TASTE LIKE JELLY BEANS!" he yelled.
"Holy fuck! L!" I punched him in the stomach and a flailing and crying Near helped pry him off me. L then quacked three times and ran down the hallway. I looked at Near.
"You okay, buddy?" I asked him. He didn't look so good. His eyes were popping out of his head and he was making weird noises. I slapped him on the back and a tiny blue Lego flew out of his mouth and across the room.
"Thanks!" he exclaimed after breathing for a few seconds.
"Were you trying to eat the le-" I sighed. "Never mind, let's go see where L went."
Near trotted down the hall, happy as he had been all night. We walked into the kitchen, where L was once again on the ceiling, eating cake. I stared at him while Near quietly picked up a broom and swatted at the gravity-defying detective. He balanced the cake on his foot and used his free limbs to scuttle out of the way.
"I'll get you!" Near squeaked.
"NO YOU WON'T! WEEEE! CAN'T CATCH ME, I'M THE CEILING-CAKE MAN!" L yelled as he avoided Near and continued eating his snack. The albino boy eventually managed to brush L with the broom, at which point L's cake became culinary weaponry. It hit Near in the face with a splat and he went down, out cold.
"Near! Noooo!" I was shocked that he could be defeated so easily after all that we'd been through tonight. L looked at me and dove into the freezer.
"I SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM, MATT!" And with that, he shoved himself in the freezer, and my problems were solved. Well, until they all woke up at least.
When they all did wake up, I was in the living room trying to beat the new Black Ops game on my PS3. All four of them dragged themselves into the room, groaning like zombies.
"Jesus fucking Christ. What happened last night?" Mello asked, holding his head.
"Don't get me started," I muttered.
A/N: So, did you like it? Did you hate it? Please review. Also, I'd like to thank MissNeonNightMares for reading this beforehand and giving me the ending. Also, my friends came up with a joke about Near choking on a Lego, I just borrowed and altered it a bit. Well, like I said before- please review. Even flames are welcome! Ta-ta for now, loves!