Why am I here?

It was that thought again.

What do we actually gain from all these battles?

Why?

"Rivaille, watch out!"

A voice screams over him. In a matter of seconds, Rivaille can feel his body is pushed really hard. He doesn't have much time to think what's going on. When he finally realized everything, all he could feel was Erwin's body trying to protect him.

It's not the first time Rivaille fought against the Titans, or being in the battlefield. In normal case, he would finish them in no time, without so much effort. But this isn't that normal case. After the death of his entire squad, Rivaille couldn't seem to be able to get his old self back: The Rivaille that everybody knows, the strongest soldier in Scouting Legion. The death of his squad gave him a severe breakdown, deep down in his heart. Even so, he continued to live with everybody's expectation, hiding all his pain and grief behind the mask of tough, expressionless face, while trying to keep his strength a bit longer.

Erwin's hand is still warm, yet it is covered with blood. Very carefully, Rivaille holds Erwin's weak body into his arm. He still couldn't believe his eyes—right in front of him, the commander he respects very much is dying and it was all for him. Judging from the wound and the amount of blood Erwin lost, Rivaille just knows that Erwin doesn't have much time left. There is nothing he could do.

"Commander.. Why..?" He grasp Erwin's arm tightly.

In his lifetime, Rivaille had witnessed so many deaths that it wasn't uncommon for him—or so he thought. From the very first time he joined Scouting Legion, he already knew the risk of losing friends or comrades in the battlefield. That's one reason why he chose to keep his distance from others. There's nothing more depressing than to see someone he cared died in front of his eyes with no traces of hope left to save them. It's better not to be too close to anyone, so he could stay objective and didn't have to have his feeling interfering his actions. That was what he thought back then, before he knew how nice it was to have friends whom he could rely on, who were always there for him in good and bad time.

Just when he started to believe it, reality struck him really hard. He should've not forgotten it in the first place.

Erwin is breathing heavily, trying to cope with the unbearable pain from his wound. But he still manages to say a word.

"Listen, Rivaille…"

"Yes, I'm listening, Commander."

Hearing his commander's voice suddenly reminds Rivaille of that night, the day when he lost his entire squad. There is no way he could forget the brief moment he spent with Erwin. It was a cold, starless night. Everyone except those who were doing their night shift in headquarter had gone into the bed, yet he couldn't even close his eyes. Rivaille felt like he was reaching his limit at the time. That was when Commander Erwin came and joined him in the darkness.

"It's OK if you want to scream or cry. Everyone knows how strong you are. But you're only human, after all. You don't have to deny your feeling. I can understand that."

Rivaille wished Commander Erwin knew that he actually wasn't that strong, that he's breaking apart. Although, Rivaille never get to say or express it out loud. He only shook his head a bit, with his usual dark expression. But one thing for sure, the Commander's words lit his hope that almost vanished along with his team members. Commander Erwin had made him believe that he wasn't completely alone. And it was enough for him to keep going.

"… promise me.." Commander Erwin continues his words. His voice is weaker than before. Rivaille can barely hear it but answered him anyway.

"I'm listening" he tries his best to comfort his dying Commander, just like what he always does to those people who are dying in the battle. Only this time, he finds it really hard to keep calm and content. His throat feels bitter.

"Live… no matter…what…" Erwin takes his last breath as he finishes his words. Rivaille is still holding Erwin's hand when he could feel it finally loses its strength.

"…I will."

For a moment, Rivaille stares at Erwin's lifeless body in his arm. A drop of tear comes off his eyes. How could you ask me that when I got nothing else left, Commander?

More and more tears run down his cheek. Even after he took a deep breath, the tears didn't stop flowing.

[You're only human, after all. You don't have to deny your feeling. I can understand that.]

Rivaille's body is shaking as he kisses Erwin's hand for the last time.

"Commander, I am sorry.."