Title: The Rukia Solution
Pairings: RenjixIchigo(+Rukia?), Ichigo+Rukia friendship
Rating: M for suggested activities. And chappy abuse.
Summary: Ichigo and Rukia tackle a serious issue with their typical sensitivities and Rukia presents more problems than solutions.
Warnings: Not much for this. Use of the word penis. Yes, PENIS. So if that makes you giggle, please don't eat or drink while reading. P
Disclaimer: Actually, Kubo-sensei and I had heavy discussions involving this scene's inclusion in Bleach when I proposed it, but it was unfortunately cut from its episode due to the necessity of an extended fight scene. And if you believe that, I have some land in Florida….
Author's Note: Pure silliness. Just for fun. Not intended as any serious commentary on Bleach or the RenjixIchigo pairing.
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Nothing in Kurosaki Ichigo's life was ever going to be normal.
Not at home with his lunatic father believing the sincerest greeting was a good pummeling.
Not at school where the majority of his classmates saw monsters on a daily basis, just like he did.
Not in his extracurricular activities, which involved vanquishing said monsters while detached from his living body.
No normalcy, even in any of his relationships.
"Rukia – Rukia, would you try – hey! Would you just try listening t' me before you go getting upset?!"
Ichigo leveled his most indignant glare at the incited woman before his eyes drifted up with his hand, raising it to rub at the red mark on his forehead, inflicted by one Chappy the bunny spirit pill container now lying on the floor at the foot of his bed. Honestly, despite having lived a measly fifteen human years, it only took times like this for him to feel like he was the older of the two.
Rukia was glaring back without the slightest trace of remorse. Eventually she'd forgive him, once she'd cooled down enough to think reasonably, that is, and actually listen to his explanation. When she reached that mellow point, the dumb rabbit at least would receive a proper apology for being so thoughtlessly chucked.
"You don't want me here! Why shouldn't I be upset?" she shot back, still full of fire.
He wondered, only briefly, why it was that she hadn't been on every other occasion he'd told her she wasn't welcome, or hinted with obnoxiously transparent broadness.
"What? No, Rukia. Don't be – Of course I want you h– "
"That's not what you said!"
She crossed her arms, stare daring him to make his denial.
"You'd rather have Renji here instead so you two can have boy time and shuffle me off to Uruhara's to be the freeloader!"
Boy time? Did she think they sat around comparing favorite bargain shoes and trading hair care secrets when she wasn't there?
Ichigo scratched at the bridge of his nose, just below his furrowed brow.
"It makes a difference where you're freeloading? I mean, it's not like you're doing anything different here – All right! I get it! I was only joking."
Thankfully, Rukia obligingly relinquished the desk lamp she'd darted after, pending his hasty apology, and the situation came to no further incident. She didn't stop fuming, however.
Ichigo ran a hand through his hair, ruffling his own unusual carrot red locks the way that he hated feeling other people do.
He'd known this was going to be an impossible conversation right from the start.
"Rukia, just – listen and don't be ridiculous, huh?" he continued.
"I don't mind that you came back from Soul Society. I'm … happy to see you. I'm used to having you here, and I'm pretty sure Renji'll be more comfortable outside a closet than in. Especially one that size."
Rukia attempted to deepen her frown to keep the corners of her lips from twitching too obviously, but Ichigo caught the movement in spite of her best efforts. She gave up after only the briefest attempt anyway; apparently his comment was too tempting to resist.
"Was that a double entendre I heard, Ichigo?" she said. "Somehow I doubt Renji would approve of your maligning his sexuality when he's not around to retaliate."
Ichigo offered her a return smirk.
"Would I do something like that? You've been spending too much time around Chizuru."
Rukia's glance went sly.
"Chizuru had some very interesting stories to tell about you from the time I was gone. Something about threats to remove people's clothing?"
"Well, that's pretty much the way of things."
Rukia's eyes, which had previously been narrowing with amusement, quite suddenly and comically widened to twice their usual size at Ichigo's casual, almost offhanded comment. He took immediate advantage of her shocked speechlessness.
"So I'm gonna be blunt, Rukia. I appreciate having you nearby and all, it's pretty much your closet now, but I haven't gotten any since you came back and the withdrawal is getting to be a bit much on top of everything else."
Her mouth dropped.
"I-chigo! You and…Renji?!"
He shrugged at her and watched her expression turn from shocked to thoughtful.
"It's not like we were trying to be secretive or anything. Just discreet," he said.
"Renji said he can't do all kinds of fancy kidou like you can, blocking sound and all that, and I've never learned any. It's not like we can just subject you to listening to…. Well. Inoue's place is full up, I understand, and I know you don't really have a solid excuse for wanting to be at Uruhara's but I'd really appreciate…."
"Why didn't you say so before, idiot?" Rukia demanded as he trailed off.
A little of her indignation remained stamped on her features, but most of it relaxed into acceptance and a strange satisfaction. Ichigo was relieved. He hadn't been sure how much persuading he'd have to do in order to get her packed off to Uruhara's, but if she was going to cooperate just like that, he'd even help her with her bags.
"Not like it's nothing I've heard before, but if you want discretion," Rukia continued. "You can just tell me whenever and I'll place barriers around the closet myself and not have to go anywhere. Problem solved."
Ichigo blinked at her.
"Eh – er – problem – ?" he repeated slowly. "Problem solved? Solved?!"
Rukia swiveled around to give him a, "What now?" stare as she retrieved her discarded gikon, and he began to turn red.
"How is that a solution? Rukia, if I have to ask every time, then you'll have to go to sleep knowing when – And what if in the morning you want to get up first and – Is that supposed to be all right?!"
She raised an eyebrow at him.
"You think I'd have a problem sleeping in the same vicinity when I can't hear anything?"
"Hearing or not hearing's not exactly the point! If you know – "
Rukia waved her free hand, the one not occupied by Chappy.
"Don't be such a prude, Ichigo, you don't have anything I haven't seen already. I'm not watching or listening, and I'd know anyway every time you two wanted to dump me on Uruhara. So what difference does it make where I am when I'm knowing?"
"Well – well maybe I want to feel like I've got some privacy in my own room when I'm – when – while I'm having sex!"
"You have the room, I'm in the closet."
Ichigo wasn't having any of her gracious diplomacy. It wasn't a negotiation. He didn't care if she knew perfectly well what a penis was. He didn't want to know if she'd seen one or twenty before. He didn't care if she and every other person she'd known in the Rukongai had slept butt ass naked in the same room, bathed together or whatever.
"It's my closet in my room!"
"You already said it was mine."
"I – I was just being gracious! I wasn't giving it to you!"
"Really, Ichigo," she said, and her tone said exactly how unreasonable she found Ichigo without her having to speak a word of it.
"I don't know why you're so concerned about what I'm doing while you and Renji – "
She couldn't even complete the sentence when her speech was so overcome by disturbing giggles.
Ichigo scowled at her. So much for her maturity - and she wanted to convince him that he should feel better because she had a perfect mental grasp on anatomy?
She finally managed to say, "What did you think you'd do with Kon during all this? He's certainly not staying with me."
And that was when Ichigo realized his sex life was truly doomed.
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Bhwuhahaha. Poor Ichigo. I'm so mean to him. :)
Review if you giggled.