How Many Acolytes Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?
"Ohhh," Pyro groaned painfully as he carried two large buckets filled with nuts and bolts. "I can't feel my arms."
"I can't feel anything below my waist," Remy moaned behind him with his arms loaded with bags of quick drying cement. "It's bad enough Mags keeps us in the Training Dome for six hours every day, but spending every other waking moment cleaning up is just killing me."
"At least we are almost done," Piotr sighed sweeping up the floor with a large push broom. "Once we finish the garage we will have managed to clean up the entire base in just under a week."
"A very long week," Pyro panted plopping down the buckets and pushing them under a workbench. "Oh my poor, poor back. I can't straighten up. Somebody help me up."
"Ah, shut up and quit your whining," Sabertooth growled working on an open electric panel surrounded by half a dozen exposed wires. "It's because of you lunatics and your stupid ideas that we're all forced to slave away like this."
"Hey, none of us went and trashed half the bars in town and got into a couple brawls with the police," Remy snapped and set the cement bags on top of a large pile in a corner of the garage. "You're just lucky you didn't leave any witnesses still able to speak and weren't caught on tape. Besides, you've done quite a bit of damage around here lately too."
"Maybe we should've chosen the other punishment option," Pyro moaned as Piotr helped him straighten up. "At least then my back won't feel like it had an iron spike buried in it."
"Are you nuts?" Remy gasped and gave him a look. "Don't answer that. I know this is bad, but having to copy by hand all eighteen volumes of the entire Encyclopedia of Punishment, Disfigurement and Disciplinary Measures would have much worse."
"Especially with all of Magneto's requirements," Piotr added. "A minimum number of pages copied every day, having to redo them if not completed within time limits, extra work if they were not copied exactly or neatly. Not to mention having to use a dip pen and ink."
"Yeah, forget a week. It would take us months to finish that, if not years," Remy winced and tested to see if he still had feeling in his arms. "And the physical damage would have been terrible. Our hands would be destroyed. You won't be able to write, Piotr won't be able to draw and I won't be able to stea...err, practice the family profession."
"That's presuming Mags would actually inspect all the stuff we wrote," Pyro pointed out and leaned against the work bench. "Like he'd really spend the time to read every single page."
"He probably would," Remy told him. "He likes reading that stuff. I saw him reading a volume of it while I was scrubbing out paint stains in the control room. He was laughing to himself and taking notes on things he wanted to try out."
"Uh, on the other hand, at least we're getting lots of exercise," Pyro gulped and got back to cleaning up. "Bring on the back pains."
"That's what I thought," Remy sighed and started going through a large pile of junk. "Man, what's with all the gardening stuff?"
"What?" Piotr asked moving closer.
"Look at all this," Remy lifted out a small hand shovel and hoe. "Plastic pots, trays, rakes, stakes, wire cages. Where did all this stuff come from?"
"Who knows? Maybe Mags thinks it'll come in handy sometime," Pyro suggested.
"Yeah right. Handy for what?" Remy scoffed. "It's not like we have a lawn around the base or anything. Good thing too or we'd probably have to take care of that as well."
"I do not know, maybe we could start our own garden somewhere," Piotr gazed at the tools thoughtfully. "Then we would have fresh food every once in a while."
"Yeah, that'd be great," Pyro nodded his head excitedly. "We'd be able to grow all kinds of stuff like apples, oranges, grapes, watermelon, bananas..."
"Pyro you could not grow bananas in a garden," Remy rolled his eyes. "Heck, you couldn't grow half of that stuff in a garden. You'd need an orchard to grow apples and oranges and whatever."
"Well, maybe we could if we planted the trees in a big pot," Pyro scratched his head.
"Pyro, no one plants apples trees in pots," Remy informed him.
"What if it was a little tree?" Pyro asked innocently. "Like the ones that give cherries or peaches or strawberries?"
"Oh geeze," Remy moaned. "Pyro strawberries don't even grow on trees."
"Yes they do," Pyro protested. "I used to climb trees in my backyard and eat 'em all the time. Course that was when I was still allowed outside and before the neighbors left. It was their own bloody fault for not having any jelly cannon insurance."
"Jelly cannon insurance?" Piotr blinked.
"Yeah, I had my very own homemade jelly cannon. I'd spend hours shooting jars of jelly at things like the neighbor's pets, the neighbor's house, trees, low flying planes. That is until I accidentally used a bottle of shellite and hit a passing fertilizer truck. Once the lawn fires were put out the cops came by and took my jelly cannon away," Pyro sniffed. "The trees never did give anymore strawberries after that."
"Gee, I wonder why," Remy rolled his eyes.
"Why don't you all shut up and get back to work?" Sabertooth shouted and gave them an angry look.
"Okay, keep your coat on Furball," Remy snapped as they broke up and went back to cleaning the garage.
"Lazy slackers," Sabertooth grumbled to himself. "Hey Firebug! There's a dead light bulb up there," he pointed toward the ceiling. "Climb up and replace it."
"Why don't you just do it?" Pyro asked.
"Because the ladder we have is unbalanced, rickety and could fall apart," Sabertooth growled.
"Oh, okay," Pyro shrugged and grabbed the big ladder leaning against the wall. He positioned it underneath the light bulb. "Hey, aren't you gonna turn off the lights before I replace it?"
"And leave us in the dark?" Sabertooth waved his arm to show the lack of windows in the garage. "Forget it. And don't even think about using a flame from your lighter. With my luck it'd end up igniting all the gasoline and motor oil in here."
"Okay, okay! You don't have to get all worked up about it." Pyro reached the top step and tried unscrewing the light bulb. "Ooofff! Boy this thing is in there tight."
"Do you need help?" Piotr called up to him.
"Naw, I can get it," Pyro waved him off and tried using both hands. "Arrrgh, come on you stupid bulb. Loosen up! Loosen, loosen...whoa!" he yelped as he accidentally kicked the ladder over and barely managed to keep from falling. "Aaahhhhhh! Help! Somebody do something!"
"Do not worry. I will get the ladder back up," Piotr blinked as he held up a third of the ladder. The other two thirds were on the floor in several pieces. "Uh oh!"
"Oh boy," Remy looked up at Pyro. "Are you okay?"
"I'm hanging from a bloody light bulb twelve feet off the floor! Of course I'm not okay!" Pyro yelled with his legs flailing helplessly in the air. "Get me down from here!"
"Where's another ladder?" Remy ran around hurriedly and checked all the walls. "Oh come on! Are you telling me there's only one ladder in this entire base?"
"There was," Piotr reached up and tried to grab Pyro's ankles. "Ow! Stop kicking me!"
"Help! Help!" Pyro yelped desperately. "Don't let me fall! I don't wanna spilt my head open and suffer brain damage!"
"Too late for that," Sabertooth chuckled, enjoying Pyro's predicament.
"Just hold still and I will help you down...whoa!" Piotr stepped back and tripped over the broken pieces of the ladder. He backpedaled trying to regain his balance and fell backward on top of several cans of axle grease.
CRASH!
"Here!" Remy pushed a large crate underneath Pyro and climbed up on it. "Come on, let go and I'll catch you as you fall."
"But what if the top doesn't hold?" Pyro asked frantically.
"It's wood. It'll hold, see?" Remy stomped his foot on the box.
SMASH!
"Yeeeooowww! Ow! Ow! Ow!" Remy screamed as he lay crumpled inside the crate. "Ow! What's a crate of ping-pong balls doing in here?! Ow, those things sting when they're in pieces!"
"Can someone please get me a towel? I can not see!" Piotr waved his arms around blindly with his eyes tightly shut and covered in axle grease.
"Don't forget about me!" Pyro yelled kicking his legs in the air. "I'm losing my grip!"
"Hey Furball! Get over here and help us out!" Remy snapped kicking open a side of the crate and spilling ping-pong balls everywhere.
"Are you kidding? This is the best entertainment I've had in weeks," Sabertooth snickered.
"Somebody please guide me...aaahhhhhh!" Piotr slipped on some grease covered ping-pong balls and went sliding across the garage.
"Watch it!" Sabertooth snarled as he leapt out of Piotr's way right before he collided with the wall, hitting the exposed wires and causing the garage door to start opening and closing rapidly. Sabertooth backed up against a rack of shelves and knocked over a large metal bucket above him.
"Gaaahhhhhh!" Sabertooth yelled as the bucket spilled its red, messy contents all over him. He took a good whiff of it and nearly passed out. "Aaarrrggghhh! My nose! What is this stuff?!" He glared at the label. "Carpet glue?! Grrrrrr!" He angrily kicked the bucket and tried to wipe off the glue.
"Okay, this should work," Remy held a very long, flat board upright on its short end and was attempting to maneuver it next to Pyro. "I'll prop this against a beam then you can just slide down it...ow!" he yelled as he was thwacked in the head by the bucket and knocked down.
"Ohhh, that hurt." Remy winced holding a hand to his head. "Uh oh. Look out!" he rolled out of the way as the large board fell to the floor. It smashed on top of the overturned bucket and wobbled for a few moments before resting on it like a make-shift teeter-totter.
"Stop playing around and help me down already!" Pyro squirmed and started to slowly turn I circles. "Uh oh, I think the bulb is coming loose!"
"Yuck! Stupid glue!" Sabertooth cursed and picked at his clothes, unknowingly stepping onto the lower end of the fallen board.
"Remy? Is that you?" Piotr stumbled around still blinded and tripped over Remy where he lay on the floor.
"Ooofff!" Remy gasped as Piotr's foot drove into his gut.
"Aaahhhhhh!" Piotr yelped as he fell onto the raised end of the board.
"Waaauuuggghhh!" Sabertooth yelled as he was launched into the air, did a forward somersault and smacked upside-down against the garage door as it was closing.
"What did I hit?" Piotr asked propping himself up on his hands.
"My liver I think," Remy moaned painfully clutching his side. "Get off me!"
"Oops! I am very sorry," Piotr crawled away and to try and clear his vision.
"Grrrrrr!" Sabertooth snarled as he tried to free himself from the garage door as it went up again but was stuck tight. "Aaarrrggghhh! Get me off this thing!"
"Get me down!" Pyro whimpered as he slowly continued to twirl in circles.
"Give me a second," Remy groaned and somehow managed to get to his feet. He limped over to a work bench and came back with some rope.
"What are you doing?" Pyro gulped as Remy began tossing one end of the rope into the air. "You're not gonna lasso me and pull me down are ya?"
"No," Remy hissed in pain as he succeeded in throwing the rope over a metal beam next to Pyro. He jumped up and pulled it down so both ends of the rope reached the floor with length to spare. "Okay, grab the rope and slip on down. I'll hold this end. You're lighter than me so it should be okay."
"Should?!" Pyro yelped, his already sore arms about to give out.
"Somebody stop this thing!" Sabertooth shouted as he rode up and down on the garage door. "Uggghhh! I'm gonna be sick!"
"Ah, I can see now," Piotr said as he got to his feet. "Now I know the way out...ahhh!" he yelped sliding by once again on the axle grease. He waved his arms wildly and grabbed one end of the suspended rope.
"Yikes!" Remy let go of his end as Piotr sailed by. "Well, that could have been bad...YAHHHHHH!" he screamed as the other end of the rope tangled around his foot and lifted him up into the air.
CRASH!
"Ohhh," Piotr groaned having smashed into the wall for the second time. "I think I will stop trying to move for a while."
"Get me down from here!" Remy yelled hanging upside-down from the ceiling.
"That's what I've been saying!" Pyro gulped nervously as he felt the light bulb turn for the last time. "Oh bugger...AAAHHHHHH!" he screamed as the bulb fell out. Pyro just barely managed to grab onto the rope which now stretched downward at an angle from the ceiling and slid down it to the floor.
WHAM!
"Ow," Pyro whimpered after crashing into Piotr and cuddled his hands in agony. "Oooh, rope burn. Hurts bad. Very bad. Owie..."
"I do not think I should move," Piotr called out to Remy. "Should I let go of the rope?"
"NO!" Remy's eyes went wide in fear. "Don't let go! Just leave me here. At least now things can't get any worse."
"WHAT ARE YOU MANIACS DOING?" Magneto stormed into the garage and stood just inside the doorway.
"Then again," Remy groaned.
"I don't feel so good," Sabertooth moaned now looking fairly green. "Make it stop! Somebody make it stop!"
"What the?!" Magneto blinked at the bizarre, chaotic mess the garage had become. "How did you fools manage to end up like this?"
"Because Sabes told me to change a light bulb," Pyro moaned painfully.
"Ask a stupid question," Magneto groaned.
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution.