Disclaimer: I own nothing from either fandom. Rated T for swearing and random ass situations.
Author Introduction: This is a rewrite of a parody fic I wrote and posted on this site five years ago. I took it down last year when I felt I wanted to work on it again. So, with the help of my boyfriend and writing partner, Rurrlock-God of Power, we managed to rewrite it with the best of our ability. It's not overly different, but we have added some new dialogue and rewrote some of the scenes. :) I have to stress before you do read it...this is a parody story, meaning it's not meant to be taken too seriously. It's just a bit of fun, but I advise that if OOC parody stories aren't your cup of tea, then you know where the back button is. No one is forcing you to read this. To those who do like these kind of fics, please enjoy, and don't forget to review. :D - LJ1983 & Rurrlock
In the Heat of the Moment
Hell was a realm of pain, sin, torment, agony and rapture...and home to a race of leather-clad creatures known as Cenobites. But in recent years, since the rise of the supernatural slasher, the place had become purgatory-cum-check in hotel of several well-known faces of horror, which only meant one thing for the Cenobites...and no, not playtime with hooks and chains...
...Trouble!
Each and every slasher had their own unique personality, and often failed to learn from their sins, but one slasher in particular proved impossible to rehabilitate; the egotistical, swaggering self-professed King of the Slashers with the third degree burns had become the bane of the Cenobites' existence, but no more than their Leader.
And on this particular day, their fierce rivalry and clashing had finally come to a head...for deep within the bowels of the Labyrinth, where the most sinned of the sinned resided, the two very familiar figures were angrily facing off against one another, yelling and screaming for what felt like days...it probably had been days since the argument between the two of them had started. The Leader of Cenobites, Xipe Totec; or commonly Pinhead to his Supplicants, and the burnt Dream Demon known as Freddy Krueger, were arguing like a couple of arrogant schoolboys.
Their constant bickering had been going on for so long, that no one could even remember what they were fighting over in the first place, as a crowd gathered round to watch the two of them go at each other. This crowd included the Gash of Cenobites; Angelique, Butterball, Chatterer, the Female Cenobite, Pistonhead, Camerahead, Dreamer, CDHead, Channard and Barbie Cenobite.
Also among them was Freddy's pal and partner in crime, Chucky the killer doll - who'd just happened to accompany Freddy to Hell after being killed in another failed attempt to reclaim a new body...and boy, how he wished he hadn't now!
"Leviathan is the Lord of Flesh, Hunger and Desire; he is NOT a piece of jewelry!" Pinhead yelled into the scarred face of Freddy Krueger, then stuck his nose in the air like a boss.
No one really knew what had made their Leader yell that out, and quite frankly they had all lost interest in the scuffle. Sighing and shaking their heads, the gathering of Cenobites and the killer doll took their leave, and left the two of them alone, hoping that eventually they would resolve the disagreement, or...whatever it was that was going on between them.
"You think ya better than the rest of us, don't ya Pinboy? Ya so freakin high and mighty! So high in mighty in fact you're in danger of falling to your death!" Freddy yelled sarcastically, before continuing in a mocking voice. "Oh look at me, I'm the great Pinhead; look at me swing my chains around and pose for a BDSM advert!"
Pinhead glared at Freddy with murderous intent; he was not amused by the burnt killer's insolent immaturity. "SILENCE KRUEGER!" he spat. "There is nothing stopping me from knowing your flesh, you childish ignoramus!"
It had reached the point in their argument where neither of them could even remember what had set them off in the first place. But the pair differed so much it simply would not take a lot to get them going.
Freddy was unfazed by Pinhead's threats. "No, why don't YOU shut up for once in your pathetic, boring life! You can't scare me with ya hooks in flesh shit! I've taken on guys twice your size!''
Pinhead's fists balled as he drew nearer to Freddy, pushing his face into his; though the Cenobite chose to remain calm, cool and collected and fought the urge to rip this Krueger guy to shreds. "Ah yes, Mr Voorhees is who you are referencing I believe. Tell me, how did that last scuffle between you two go? I believe he stabbed you with your own razor glove." he taunted the Dream Demon.
"Hey, fuck you! I won that fight and everyone in Hell knows it! I can take you out with one claw tied behind my back!" Freddy demonstrated by raising his clawed hand and placing it behind his back.
SCHINK!
"OW!"
However that wasn't the best idea, as one of his claws jabbed into his...behind region.
"Yes, you keep on believing that little white lie if it pleases you. And another thing, my existence is not boring, Frederick; nor is it pathetic. Quite the contrary. It is your life that is pathetic. Killing children in their dreams...innocent children! My supplicants were tainted and damned long before we harvested their souls! That is what led them to solving the Lament Configuration. Face it, Krueger; you are a sad, lonely, pathetic creature! How I pity you!"
Freddy was close to exploding through the anger, frustration and hate he felt over Pinhead, and then it finally happened when either of them least expected it. "SHUT UP, SHUT UP! JUST...SHUT...UUUUUUUUP!" Freddy finally screamed, his scarred face mere inches from the Cenobite's. "Stop acting like you're better than the rest of us, with your fancy shcmancy words and Leviathan-sized ego. If you were really as good as you say you are, then how come you've been tricked by some random woman...twice!?"
For the first time since their argument had begun, Pinhead was the one who looked lost for words, and Freddy could see the hints of a flushed, crimson shade emerging on the Cenobite's usually pale cheeks. "That was different! Kirsty is unlike anyone I have ever-"
"Oh give it a rest with that woman," Freddy interjected. "When you go up against kids who can get superpowers in their dreams, you come find me and then try to brag to me. Hell, I think one of those kids was Harry fucking Potter!"
Pinhead rubbed the bridge of his nose with his cold, bloody fingers. "Frederick, for the last time, that boy was not Harry fuck- I mean, Harry Potter!"
"Okay fine! It was Gandalf's grandson! I don't really care! The point is, I at least die like a boss!"
"Didn't a woman once kiss you to death to save her boyfriend?" Pinhead inquired, smirking.
Freddy gulped in a panicked frenzy, his widened green eyes darting about in his sockets, before pointing one of his knife-like fingers at Pinhead. "That one doesn't count!" He paused, and then grinned as something else came to mind. "What about you and the time you were up against that Tumor-headed weirdo-"
"It's NOT a tumor!" Channard, the one Freddy was referring to, yelled out from another room, somehow having heard that.
The Dream Demon rolled his eyes and continued on. "How did that fight with Channard go again? Oh, don't worry," Freddy babbled, simulating Pinhead in an over-exaggerated manner. "I'll hold off Channard to save some curly-haired bitch...for five seconds before falling dead, without even putting up a fight!"
Pinhead blushed again through both being reminded of the time the newly Cenobitic Channard defeated him easily...and the mention of his sweet Kirsty. "I was having an off day! Even Cenobites get those. I'd recently been reminded of my humanity!"
"Oh stop with the excuses, Pin-cushion!"
"Don't you dare talk to me about excuses, Frederick!"
The two inhuman adversaries fell silent for a few seconds, each staring the other out - breathing heavily. Adrenaline, anger and pure hatred for one another running through their long dead veins led them to taking an action which neither of them thought would happen in a million years...Freddy's hands grasped at Pinhead's neck, pulling him in closer, and the two suddenly locked lips with one another!
In a passionate, tongue-twisting, spit-meeting, hot, and steamy smooch!
As they indulged in this weird passionate kiss, the door abruptly swung open and Chucky and the rest of the Cenobites breezed in. "Hey, have you two assholes done with you-" Unfortunately for Freddy and Pinhead, the crowd around them had already seen their kiss.
Even though Chucky was a doll, and indisputably made of plastic, his cheeks turned a horrible sea green colour at the sight. "OH MY GOD! My eyes! MY FREAKIN EYES! NO! NO! NOOOOO! NO MORE! NO MORE! N- BLEEERRGH!" The sound of something wet and splodgy smacking against the stone floors sounded throughout Hell as Chucky the killer doll chucked up everywhere on cue and quite the surprise it was too, but everyone else present were too shocked by their Master and the Dream Demon's sudden smooch.
Angelique had raised her eyebrows, Pistonhead stood grinning to himself - his tongue stuck out as he leered; "This is better than sex!"
Chatterer stopped chattering, Channard's mouth hung open like he was catching flies, Camerahead filmed the whole thing on his camera - licking his lips, CDhead, Barbie and Butterball did nothing - just merely glanced at each other and shrugged, Dreamer murmured something about dreaming of all this the night before, and the Female Cenobite - Nikoletta - fainted!
Chucky, once he'd finished puking, cleared his throat to get Pinhead and Freddy's attention. Their lips parted at once.
Then their heads turned and their eyes fell upon the dumbstruck audience before them, though it was the possessed doll Chucky who spoke up.
"Dudes, what...happened?" Chucky asked them, completely and utterly dumbstruck and, well - rather disturbed by what he saw.
Pinhead and Freddy immediately backed away from each other, totally disgusted.
"I...don't freakin know, bitch!" Freddy said in a high-pitched voice.
Pinhead shook his head very fast, refusing to make eye contact with Freddy. "I...don't know either."
The two, embarrassed by their weird moment of madness, could hardly bear to look at each other, let alone speak coherently. But then...
"Oh my GOD!" Freddy randomly screamed, as if it finally dawned on him. "I kissed a girl..and I DIDN'T like it!"
"I'm not a girl, Frederick!" Pinhead muttered, still not looking at the Dream Demon.
Nikoletta, in the meanwhile, had managed to regain consciousness at that moment and, as soon as she remembered what had happened, she got up off the floor, stormed over to Pinhead...and slapped him across the face - HARD! Not without slicing open the palm of her hand on contact, but it was very well worth it.
"You bastard! I thought you loved me! I gave you the best years of my life and yet here you are...locking lips with the burnt child killer! It's bad enough you drool over that Cotton girl, and now I find that you're GAY!? ARGH!" she squealed before storming out of the room in a huff.
"Nikoletta!" Pinhead begged, trying to catch up with her. "Please allow me to explain! I am not a homosexual! I-OW!"
Pinhead shuddered at the ferociousness of Nikoletta's well-aimed knee smashing forcibly against his crotch. As he groaned in the pain he usually liked to indulge, cradling his damaged balls and falling to the floor in a crumpled heap and rolling around, Pinhead felt he certainly had some serious groveling to do - if he wanted to keep his crown jewels intact in future. But then he got himself together, straightened up, and cleared his throat as he regained his composure.
"We never speak of this again...NEVER! If anyone should ever mention this, they shall be punished! Do we all have an understanding?" Pinhead snarled at gathering of poker-faced Cenobites before him.
"Yes, Master." everyone replied in unison, trying hard to remain as poker-faced as possible, and not to give in to the laughter which was itching to burst out.
Meanwhile, Freddy stormed toward Chucky and picked him up by his flame red hair.
"HEY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! YOU FUCKING CENOBITE KISSER! LET ME GO!" Chucky yelled, kicking and thrashing around as he dangled helplessly in Freddy's grasp.
Tired of the doll's whining, and his already burnt cheeks red hot and burning from embarrassment and shame, the Dream Demon smacked him around the head to silence him. "Come on, Barbie! Let's get the hell outta here! NOW!" Before he made it too the door though, he noticed that someone was following behind him, and spun round to face them. "I meant the Barbie doll, not you!"
The Pseudo Cenobite named Barbie looked dejected, lowering his head and slumping his shoulders before skulking back toward the others.
Freddy, not once looking in Pinhead's direction, made a hasty retreat out of the door...walking so fast he nearly bashed into the door-frame, but it was poor Chucky that did instead. "Fuck! You son of a bi- You did that on purpose!"
"Give it a rest Toy story!" Freddy shouted back.
"Make me! Maybe I might tell the others about what just happened!"
Freddy's mouth fell open as he gasped in fear. "You wouldn't?"
"Oh, I would! and I bet good-ole Jason will have a good laugh when he hears that-" Chucky didn't even finish his sentence, as Freddy deliberately bashed the doll into the wall beside them as he continued marching away. "Ah fuck! THAT ONE you did on purpose!"
Once the two of them were gone, Pinhead stood in the middle of the room, not knowing what to say or do as everyone stared at him. He uncharacteristically fidgeted and fiddled with his hands, incapable of returning their stares as the seconds ticked by. Eventually, the Cenobite cleared his throat. "I...er...I believe Leviathan wishes to see me, if you'll excuse me." he calmly addressed his brethren before shrinking away.
As Pinhead walked out of the door like fury, the rest of the Cenobites could no longer stifle their laughter, and at once collapsed into fits of giggles.
"I CAN HEAR YOU!" Pinhead yelled angrily from outside.
But the Cenobites couldn't help it. They all rolled around on the stone floor of the Labyrinth, laughing their leather asses off, clutching their stomachs through laughing so hard.
Angelique staggered over to Camerahead, still laughing hard. "You...got it all...didn't you, Camerahead?!" Angelique spoke through the hysterical laughter.
Camerahead nodded. "Every last bit of it, Princess." he replied.
Angelique smiled triumphantly. "Very good. Now we'll have something to hold against him...and Mr Krueger of course. Now we know that even Xipe Totec himself can do unusual things when in the heat of the moment."
Pistonhead nodded. "Tell me about it! Kind of reminds me of this one time I woke up one morning and I was married to a watermelon!" Everyone had ceased with his or her laughter to stare at Pistonhead in confusion. "What? I had a few drinks that night...and that watermelon was giving me the eye!"
With Pistonhead's disturbing confession out of the way, every last Cenobite in the room continued laughing on concerning their Master's little embarrassing moment with the burnt slasher, which lasted all day long until they couldn't breathe. They never thought they'd see the day when their very respected Leader made an ass of himself, and they certainly never have thought he would ever kiss Freddy Krueger!
Never in a million years!
The End!
XD Hope you enjoyed! Before I go, I'd like to point out...this isn't Slash, and I would never usually write it. It's just a bit of crazy banter that I thought up one boring Christmas Day. ;) Thanks for reading.