But I've got to think twice
Before I give my heart away
And I know all the games you play
Because I play them too
;Faith – George Michael
I rested my chin against my clasped hands as my eyes roved his perfectly sculptured, stoic face. His eyes fluttered underneath his closed lids, and soft, almost growl-like snores escaped his slightly parted lips. His nostrils expanded every few seconds as he took in a deep breath in his sleep.
For some reason, I found it oddly endearing. The way his face took on a completely different mien in his slumber. The way his usually perfectly composed hair lay messily around his face, tangled and intertwined with one another. The way his lips mumbled incoherent words and his eyelids fluttered from side to side.
He was beautiful.
As that little, dangerous thought entered my mind, my body acted on its own, almost instinctively. Using the palms of my hands, I pushed myself off the way too comfortable mattress and threw the duvet off my exposed body, allowing the cold air rushing in through the window to caress my skin. Slapping my feet gently on the ground, I roamed my eyes around the room, spotting one by one my stray clothing from where they landed in our rush to get them off.
Picking up my bra from where it landed on the counter of his bureau, I quickly clasped it on, slipping on my underwear too. Grabbing my jeans from by the door, I pulled them on in quick succession, tripping in my haste to grab the shirt lying by the end of the bed.
Holding out the flimsy, red material, I noticed a large rip down the middle and groaned. This was the third shirt he ruined of mine.
Spotting his dresser towards the left of the room, I hurried towards the wooden doors and pulled them open, pulling off a random shirt of his from where they were neatly folded on the shelves. Pulling it on over my head, I saw that it nearly reached my knees, and decided that tucked in would look a lot less suspicious if I was caught.
Grabbing my wand from the bedside table, I prepared to apparate right out of the room when a low, rumbling voice interrupted my rush to escape. "Leaving already?"
His husky voice sent a chill down my spine, and I couldn't help but resent myself for the butterflies that appeared in my stomach. I forced them away quickly, chastising myself for feeling this way, and turned around slowly.
He was sat up in bed now, his entire body weight being held up by his elbows. His chiseled chest was bared, and the thin duvet was only barely covering his privates. Not that it mattered anyway.
"Um," I muttered, feeling a blush spread to my cheeks at being caught fleeing, "Yeah. I… I should get back home before my grandma realizes I'm gone."
We both knew that was a lie. My grandma was barely even alive to notice I wasn't there.
He stared back at me unblinking. His stormy grey eyes seemed to darken a bit at my lie, but he didn't call me out on it. Just like every time. "Oh." He mumbled, "I guess I'll see you tomorrow on the train, then."
I nodded slowly, "Yeah."
Awkward silence filled the air as we stared at one another. It was always like this. After every rendezvous that occurred between the two of us, even after almost two years – on and off – of continuing with this… arrangement, it never got any easier.
Clearing my throat, I gave him a tight smile, hoping it didn't come off as cold, and muttered a quick, "bye," before apparating straight out of there.
The next thing I knew everything went black; it felt like I was being compressed from all directions. The breath was squeezed right out of my body, and a loud ringing noise occupied my eardrums. It was the worst feeling I'd ever experienced, yet at that moment I couldn't be any more grateful that I had gotten my apparition license earlier this summer and was now given the ability to escape at any given moment.
Landing clumsily on the field leading right up to my house – I still needed to learn to stick the landings! – I held in my breath as I steadied myself.
My grandparent's house loomed over me, looking especially scary in the night's sky. While it was a grand old place, it still held a mysterious, ancient feel to it that I could never really shake off.
Noticing a light on in the second floor, I realized that the house-elves must be putting my grandma to bed and sighed. They, no doubt, realized that I was missing. Thankfully, any complaints to my grandma would fall on deaf ears. Literally.
The walk up to the house was quite short despite the distance from the front doors and the edge of the field. My mind was occupied with thoughts of that night; of just how weak I actually was. Slipping in quietly, I took off my shoes and placed them by the coat closet, and headed straight for the stairs, climbing them until I reached the attic; or, well, my bedroom now. I should be used to it by know; its been almost two years since I moved in.
Flicking on the lights, I sighed deeply as I gazed almost lovingly at the bed in the middle. I was dying to snuggle up into my covers and fall into an uninterrupted sleep and forget about my stupidity and weakness to say no.
Quickly changing into a pair of silk pajamas, I brushed my teeth and tied my hair up high into a bun, and slipped into bed, relishing the feel of my familiar duvet against my still heated skin.
I rolled onto my side and gazed out of the window directly ahead. The moon was almost full, I could see, and the light winds brushed against the trees and rustled their leaves.
For some odd reason, Marlene's words in her last letter entered my mind at that very moment.
I'm proud of you, Cal. I know how hard it's been for you, especially recently with the anniversary coming up, but you've managed to stay away from him for almost a month. A month! It's about time you tell him no. You don't need that poison in your life. You don't need someone to use you just to toss you away at the end of the night. You don't need him at all, period, and I'm glad you've finally realized that.
The fact of the matter was; I do need him. I knew it wasn't healthy, that I depended on a person to physically comfort me. I knew it wasn't wise, having someone use me and tarnish my innocence and purity, and I certainly knew it wasn't me, but I needed him. Just as much as he needed me.
Sirius Black was my drug, and I couldn't get enough of him.