The Donor Dilemma Prologue J. Franklin
THE DONOR DILEMMA
PROLOGUE
(SCENE: The cafeteria at Cal Tech. SHELDON, RAJ, and HOWARD are having lunch. LEONARD slowly walks up behind them with his lunch tray. He looks dazed.)
SHELDON: - and that's simply a fact when it comes to the physical properties of dark matter. I don't see how I could make it any clearer.
RAJ: You could be less sarcastic.
HOWARD: If that's possible.
SHELDON: Maybe you could try getting a PhD. (Looks up at LEONARD) Leonard, would you care to join us? Or is dining while standing now your preferred method of food intake?
(LEONARD sits down. He is still quiet.)
HOWARD: Whoa. You look as though you've seen a ghost.
LEONARD: I wish I had.
RAJ: What happened?
LEONARD: I just ran into President Siebert.
SHELDON: Oh, that explains it. That man has all the creepiness of the undead and most of the mannerisms, too. (Pauses) If your appetite has become a casualty, let me know and I'll be glad to help you with those lima beans.
RAJ: So, what did happen?
LEONARD: He said that Mrs. Latham is coming back to the university this weekend and wants an update on our research.
SHELDON: Isn't she the same Mrs. Latham you slept with to get our funding?
LEONARD: (Slowly) Yep.
HOWARD: Well, alright! (Raises hand for high-five. LEONARD ignores him.)
SHELDON: I don't see what the problem is. So, this old biddy is coming back. Just give her the results of your research and see if she wants to make another donation.
LEONARD: I'm not sure - I think she's going to want me to make the donation.
SHELDON: What do you mean?
LEONARD: Well, Siebert's exact words were that she's having a party on her yacht this weekend and wants to (makes quotation marks with fingers) "get it straight from that young Dr. Hofstader."
HOWARD: (Snickers) I bet that's not the only thing she wants to get straight from Dr. Hofstader!
RAJ: Well, just tell her that you can't be there. Make something up!
LEONARD: I can't. Siebert already said he'd mentioned it to me and that I was looking forward to it.
HOWARD: (Swallowing food) Just how much is this biddy giving the university, anyway?
LEONARD: Let me put it this way: Siebert said there's talk of naming a building after her when they unveil the next master plan.
RAJ: I heard it was two buildings!
HOWARD: (Quietly) Ho-ly smokes. You better bring an extra box of condoms!
RAJ: Oh, please. Like she needs to worry about getting pregnant at her age!
LEONARD: Hey, can we focus here a minute? I can't do this! I'm dating Penny now!
RAJ: So? You think someone like Mrs. Latham is going to care that you're seeing a waitress? Trust me, I come from money, and those people don't take no for an answer!
SHELDON: I think I see what the problem is! Leonard is caught in a classic professional vs. personal dilemma. If he sleeps with Mrs. Latham again, it will jeopardize his relationship with Penny through his infidelity. But if he doesn't, then all funding may dry up for (Leans forward) not just his research but everyone else's as well!
HOWARD: Well, why don't you just tell Penny about this and see what she thinks? I'm sure she'll understand. She trusts you.
LEONARD: I can't. Lord only knows how she'd take it. You've seen her temper. (RAJ and HOWARD both sigh and lean back from the table.)
HOWARD: Well, hold on. (Thinks) I got it. You said she's having her gig out on the yacht, right?
LEONARD: Yeah. The entire research faculty is going to be there, too.
RAJ: That many people on one boat? (Whistles) She does have money!
HOWARD: Okay, I assume that this thing is going to be catered, right?
LEONARD: I guess so. I mean, all our earlier parties and receptions were.
HOWARD: Okay, so it's simple then. If the university is providing the catering, then all we need to do is have Bernadette volunteer to be one of the bartenders.
LEONARD: Bernadette knows how to tend bar?
HOWARD: No, but your girlfriend does.
LEONARD: I don't understand. What are you getting at?
HOWARD: Well, think of it this way. Bernadette passes herself off as a bartender. If she's in charge of the drinks, she can probably pick her own volunteer staff, right? So, she brings Penny along. Penny makes the drinks, Bernadette serves them, your girlfriend is there the whole time to keep an eye on you. You just make sure to spend all your time with her but give the old bat some face-to-face appreciation and then head out!
LEONARD: What if she wants a full oral presentation?
SHELDON: I think giving her that is what got you into this situation. (Everyone laughs except LEONARD.)
LEONARD: No, I mean, what if, you know, she wants a full run-down of all the research? You know, a complete schematic and report that spells out exactly how we've been spending her money? I can't just summarize that in some small talk at a cocktail party!
HOWARD: (Shaking his head) I can't believe I have to say this. She doesn't care about your research!
LEONARD: (Confused) But she's asked about it! I need to be able to say something!
HOWARD: (Sighs) Okay, let's face the statistical likelihoods here. On one hand, you've got the possibility that this cougar wants nothing more than to jump your bones all night long on her yacht; and on the other, you have the possibility – HOWEVER REMOTE - that sometime over the past couple of years she's SUDDENLY developed a complete fascination with particle physics research and really wants to spend lots and lots of time listening to you drone on and on endlessly about your mathematical computations that her funding has helped you develop.
SHELDON: (Thinks) Wait, I think I can answer this one!
RAJ: So can I!
LEONARD: (Clearly uncomfortable) And so can I…
HOWARD: Okay? So that settles it, then. I'll talk to Bernadette, you talk to Penny and just tell her it's an easy way to make some extra money, and everything'll be fine.
LEONARD: (Smiling) You know what? I think you're right! And besides, I should be able to do my research without having to stoop to being –
SHELDON (Cutting him off) A common street whore?
LEONARD: I was going to go with gigolo.
RAJ: What's the difference?
HOWARD: Women get to charge more.
LEONARD: Okay, I'll do it! (Rises to his feet.) Thanks, guys. I feel a lot better about this already! (Moves off.)
SHELDON: (To HOWARD) So, let me get this straight. You just talked Leonard into inviting his current girlfriend to tend bar at a party while one of his one-night stands who is THROWING that party tries to sink her claws into him all evening for another go?
HOWARD: (Smiling) Yep.
SHELDON: Well, pardon me, but I should think that this is just a recipe ripe for disaster!
HOWARD: (Glaring) You got anything better to do Saturday night?
SHELDON: (Thinks) You're right. This should be good.
(Dissolve to: Opening credits)
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