Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto
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Guilt
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"Hidan, un!" the voice was small, childish in some way, yet oh-so familiar. The said man turned around, his pinkish eyes fixated into his lover's bright blue eyes. He smiled in a playful matter as he patted the empty spot on the bed beside him. Hidan raised an eyebrow, though he knew what Deidara meant. "Come sleep with me; I'm scared, un."
The silver-haired man silently questioned him. He was always like that…silent whenever he looked upon the blonde. Always studying him. Deidara had always been uneasy of his attitude. Of the way his pink-eyed lover would look at him.
Before, Hidan wasn't like that. He was loud, annoying and foul-mouthed. He would always tease and annoy everyone, but after Deidara had said, confessed his feelings, everything had changed.
Sure Hidan accepted the feelings he felt; Deidara had felt so very happy for the past few months that he hadn't noticed the changes in Hidan. But now that their relationship was hanging by a thread, Deidara couldn't help but see his flaws.
"You're not scared." Hidan said, his voice sharp, yet soft as he continued to speak. "You're just finding for an excuse for me to stay with you."
Deidara suddenly felt frustrated, his pout turning into a glare. He tried to think it was a joke, but he could hear the sarcasm in Hidan's voice. The creases on his brow deepened as Hidan looked at him again, not missing the blonde's reaction. Then, without another word, he turned away, leaving only the faint smell of blood.
Why is he acting so strangely, un?
Deidara felt an unexpected ache in his chest. It was as if his heart knew the answer, but his mind just couldn't comprehend it. He clutched his chest, closing his eyes as he lay his head on the soft pillow.
Hidan was right; the blonde was just finding an excuse to be with him, but now that Deidara was all alone, lying on the bed, he couldn't help but feel really scared.
--
Hidan was in his room, panting as though he had run along a hill. He didn't, but he felt so tired. He wiped his sweaty forehead, all the while asking himself why he felt so nervous when he was with Deidara. It felt like he was hiding something from the blonde, making him feel so damn guilty.
Leaning against the wall, he shut his eyes tight, breathing hard while trying to calm himself down.
He hated himself…
He hated himself for what he did…
For what he was doing…
He hated himself because he knew he was breaking Deidara's heart.
Hidan wasn't even sure with what he felt for the blonde. He didn't know what had gotten up his stupid brain, saying that he felt the same for Deidara. All he saw was that the truthfulness and the love that was in Deidara's eyes. He could even feel how closely attached the blonde was to him.
But he didn't love Deidara.
He didn't love the pouty blonde. He didn't love those eyes, which could portray any emotion he felt, those blonde locks, which were so soft and smooth…his mouth, which could get so big when he was shouting, but could get dangerously small when he pouted…or when he cried.
Hidan had seen Deidara cry. It was when Sasori had died. It was the only time Deidara's magical aura faded. When it completely vanished. Just because a puppet had died.
In his pinkish eyes, Sasori was just a puppet. A cold, emotionless puppet. But to those blue eyes, Sasori was everything. Sometimes, Hidan would wonder if Deidara's love for him was as strong as what he had felt for Sasori. Sometimes, he would compare himself to the redhead.
Hidan was loud; Sasori was silent.
Hidan was annoying; Sasori was calm.
Hidan hated Sasori; Sasori ignored Hidan.
There were so many differences between them. They were so opposite, and yet, they were both able to take Deidara's breath away. Hidan wondered why he even bothered to compare himself to a puppet; it wasn't like he cared if he and Sasori had differences. He didn't care whether Deidara had loved him because he and the redhead were the same. In fact, he was as close to dumping the blonde.
But even if he wanted to, there was always the guilt.
The sick feeling whenever he was with Deidara. The churn in his stomach whenever he lay beside him. The tightening in his throat as he whispered 'I love you' into his ear.
It hurt because he knew that he was lying to himself…that he was just doing and saying what Deidara wanted to feel and hear because of his guilt.
But it hurt even more because he knew he was lying to Deidara.
--
Next morning
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The kitchen smelled like it had always had been; a strong accent of coffee, flowers (thanks to Zetsu), cinnamon breads which Tobi always put extra effort to make for his comrades every morning, a hint of something horrible rotting (thanks to Zetsu again) and of course, blood. Whenever it was morning, Hidan always had a deep wound in his chest. The Jashinist didn't mind it, and the others seemed to get used to it, except for his lover, Deidara.
"Hidan!" he went to up to him, his blue eyes filled with honest concern. Hidan felt his stomach flop, making his face paler than usual. "You're pale, un!"
The Jashinist scoffed, trying to shut away the feeling of betraying someone. He lightly pushed the blonde aside as he walked to the table. The others greeted him casually, as though there wasn't a hole on his bloody chest. Deidara stared at his back, then he slowly sat beside his lover. He offered his unused plate, spoon and fork, but Hidan refused. He said he wasn't hungry, but Deidara could see the flicker in his pinkish eyes. He put his plate down, bowing his head.
"Damn you, Hidan, always sticking that stupid pike into your chest." Kakuzu snarled as he sliced his omelet aggressively. He stuck it unto his fork, but he made no move to eat it. Instead, he continued arguing with his partner.
Deidara listened quietly, his eyes looking at his own lap. He tried to look up, but he already felt others staring at him. He didn't want to see their faces. He just wanted to be with Hidan, but the other members would always look down at him as though he was a pitiful object. It was as if they knew something he didn't.
"Do you want some toast, sempai?" Tobi's voice loomed in front of him. He looked up, just enough for his partner to see his eyes.
"No, un." came the cold reply. He looked down again before Tobi could ask again. He heard the boy walk away from the table. He felt relieved; he didn't feel like arguing with him.
He continued to listen, then looked up when he heard a shuffle beside him. His heart pounded hard against his chest as he watched Hidan stand up, looking pissed. He walked out of the kitchen, and suddenly Deidara felt all eyes on him. He tried to make a silent decision whether to follow his lover or not.
Go Deidara! Why aren't you following him? You're his lover, for God's sake! Follow him before he gets mad, un!
"Hidan!"
It was always like this; whenever Hidan was upset or irritated, he would always try to console and put some sense into the older man. Hidan would always listen, but that didn't mean he agreed with the blonde. Sometimes, he would just let Deidara talk, but when he was in the enraged stage, he would answer back, cursing and sometimes even hurting the blonde.
Deidara winced as he remembered the only time when Hidan had hurt him…physically. It was when they were out of the lair, free from all disturbances. The blonde had tried to calm Hidan down, saying that the Leader didn't mean what he said about his lover.
But Hidan knew better. He knew the Leader meant everything that he said…from the way his lips curled into a small smile when he saw how humiliated Hidan had been, his Rinnegan eyes mocking his pinkish ones. The blonde tried to calm him, to tell him lies. Lies to cover up his problems. Deidara was always like that. Always covering everything that hurt him with lies.
The blonde just wanted to be the one Hidan could count on…the one who would be capable of comforting the aggressive ninja. But it seemed that he was so ambitious, since it took more than pure love and concern to calm Hidan down.
That was why Hidan slapped him hard across the cheek, why he shouted and mocked Deidara. Why his eyes flared like that. Why he felt guilty after what he did.
There was no love.
There was no love at all.
So why was Deidara in front of Hidan, trying his best to once again, calm him down?
"Don't let it get to you, Hidan." He whispered as they blocked themselves from view. He put his hand on his lover's cheek, caressing it, pouring all his love out. He wanted Hidan to feel what he felt. What he had always felt for him. "Kakuzu was just being an ass, un."
Hidan looked straight into his blue eyes, seeing the love that he could never reward Deidara with. He looked away, causing the blonde's hand to withdraw from its touch. He tried to reach for the warm flesh again, but the older one was already backing away, his pinkish eyes filled with such intensity it caused Deidara to flinch.
"Tell me, Deidara…" Hidan said in a soft voice. "…do you remember that time when I hurt you?"
Blue eyes widened and fogged as Deidara remembered it. He even felt like he was there. He felt the cold night wind, the grass swaying beneath his ankles. He felt the tension, the beat of his heart, telling him not to. But his mind had told him to stay and talk, because it was what lovers do. He stayed, and was slapped just because he cared. He felt the salty tears. The pain that stung his cheek. But all of that was ignored, because all the while, what really hurt the most was knowing that he could never be the one Hidan could love. His heart ached because there was a barrier that separated them, even if they were the closest thing to a married couple.
"Y-yes…" Deidara answered after a few moments. "I remember."
"Good."
The blonde looked up at him, his face strewn with emotions as he silently questioned the silver-haired man, who was looking at him coldly. It was what he looked like when he had slapped Deidara. He looked vicious, as if he wanted to kill the blonde.
"Hidan, please don't…" he said as he covered his face, trying to hide the fact that he was close to tears. He didn't want to open the wounds that he tried to heal by himself, because Hidan was never there to be with him. "I don't want…to talk about it…"
"But I want to." his voice was silky, silkier than silk itself. He continued to gaze at Deidara, whose face was still covered. "You cried, didn't you? You cried because I hurt you. I slapped you. No one slapped you before, am I right? Not even your dear Sasori-danna would have the guts to hurt your delicate skin."
"It…it w-wasn't like that…" Deidara's words were choked by his own tears. He wiped his cheeks, trying not to cry too much. He didn't want to cry for Hidan. For the pain he was giving him.
"Shut up." the voice had turned cold. "I know what I saw. What I felt. You were hurt because I slapped you. Because you realized I could hurt you without hesitating. I could kill you if I feel like it."
"Don't say that!" Deidara gasped as he was pinned to the cave wall. He felt slightly dizzy since his head bumped had onto the rocky surface. When he regained his vision, he realized Hidan had pinned him to the wall.
"You can't fucking boss me around." he held both the blonde's hands with one hand while the other touched Deidara's cheek. "This is where I slapped you. Tell me, does it still hurt?"
"Hidan…let go…"
"I'm sure it hurt. It swelled badly for days, didn't it?"
"P-please…"
"Why are you begging? I'm not offering anything."
"I…I don't want…"
"You don't want what?"
"D-don't…hurt me…"
Hidan looked at the pitiful sight in front of him. Deidara was crying, tears on his red-tinted cheeks. He also had a pained expression on his face. The man wasn't sure which hurt the blonde; the fact that he remembered such a horrible chapter in his life, or the fact that Hidan was hurting him all over again.
Then, Hidan felt the most sickening feeling building up inside of him. It went up from his spine up to his chest, then to his head, making him fazed. He dropped Deidara's hands, then held his own head as the searing pain pumped the blood in his veins. It felt like someone had push nails into it.
Deidara, though scared, held Hidan close to his arms, making sure he could feel Hidan's pain. He wanted to feel the pain so that in one way or another, he could make sure his lover had someone to share what he felt.
"W-why? Why…Deidara?" the silver-haired man whispered as his head was buried into Deidara's chest. "I've…I've hurt you…so much…and yet, you still care?"
Deidara, oddly enough, smiled as he brushed his cheek against Hidan's silver hair. He held even tighter as emotions stirred inside him. He closed his eyes, forgetting about everything. Forgetting about the past. Just knowing that Hidan was safe in his arms was enough acknowledgement for all the pain he went through.
"That's love, Hidan. That's love."
It was Hidan's turn to cry. The tears of regret and remorse slipped down his pale cheeks. He held tighter, his body shaking with the words Deidara had said.
And for once, he knew that what he felt for Deidara wasn't guilt anymore.
It was love.
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END