Things I'll Never Say, a lucky star fanfic

Things I'll Never Say
by Cyberchao X

A/N: Goddamnit. While this is hardly the first time that I've heard a song that I loved when it first came out and hadn't heard in a long time and thought to myself that it would make a great songfic (that's how we ended up with "This Is How A Heart Breaks"), it's certainly more persistent, not to mention a bit tougher to actually find a suitable match. At first the idea was going to be the same pairing that had played host to my last songfic involving a genre-confused artist of the early '00s (which was actually written in the early '00s), but it had been so long since I'd worked that fandom that I felt I'd end up butchering it. Finally I had the bright idea that the reference to marriage in the lyrics actually didn't force me into a het pair, as I'd originally been planning, because I'd used the word marriage in relation to same-sex unions in my fanfics before. (Never mind that there are other lyrics that suggest that I really should have the object of the singer's affections be male.) The result is another fanfic for a pairing that I've always loved, but rarely had ideas for fanfiction for. …Not that this really helps me with ideas for how to fill the space between the lyrics. This is going to be one of my worst fanfictions in a long time, I'm sure…

…wait, maybe if I tried going first-person, cut down on dialogue…yeah, this might work!

Disclaimer: Characters property of Kagami Yoshimizu. Lyrics property of Avril Lavigne.

I'm tugging at my hair
I'm pulling at my clothes
I'm trying to keep my cool
I know it shows
I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
I'm searching for the words inside my head

Typical Konata. Not that I let it show…well, not too blatantly, anyway…I hope… Well, I was secretly thrilled when Konata told me that she was going to try extra-hard to get into the same university as me, and I was actually a little hopeful, because as poorly as she does on a day-to-day basis in school, she's always had a knack for actually making the "cram the night before a big test" thing actually work for her. A college entrance exam might actually be doable for her.

…But, of course, she screwed it up. What am I going to do with that girl? She's lazy, and utterly useless, and half the time she acts like a protagonist from a dating sim—and not one of those rare ones where the protagonist is female and the romantic prospects are male, either. So infuriating. She's never going to get anywhere in life, not without someone to take care of her. I pity the guy who ends up marrying her, having to be the main breadwinner and be the caring "wife" who keeps Konata's life in order.

…The job that's been mine for all of these years.

Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it
Yeah

"Is something wrong, onee-chan?"

Tsukasa. I sigh. "Just thinking about going off to college; leaving all of my friends behind. Yeah, I'm sure I'll make new ones, but…"

"But you'll still miss the old ones." I nod. "I'm going to miss you too. It's going to be the first time that we're apart for a long period of time…" Before I know it, my twin sister has wrapped me up in a hug and her eyes are starting to tear up. I fight the urge to tear up as well; I've always been strong for Tsukasa, because that's what the older twin is supposed to do, but it's always hard not to cry as well when she cries, and it's especially hard right now.

"…If you think you can keep from losing your phone, I promise to call you every day."

"Okay!" It amazes me how quickly she cheers up.

"And…keep an eye on Konata-chan for me, okay? I don't want her ruining her life with me not around to keep her in line." There's nothing wrong with calling your twin daily, right?

Tsukasa seemed to understand what I was really asking. "…Sure thing, onee-chan."

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you...
Away, be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee, marry me today
Guess, I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

Of course, it's not like it was even necessary. Konata called me far too frequently, often for the most trivial reasons. I'd also ended up getting in the habit of checking my voicemail when I woke up in the morning, because Konata was apparently under the impression that college students have the same basic hours as otaku do and called me at all sorts of odd hours of the night. Eventually I just snapped. "Goddamnit Konata!" I cried, not even bothering with the honorific. "I love talking to you, but I do have new friends here as well and you're starting to become a pest!"

Konata seemed unfazed; even without seeing her I could see the cat smile that was undoubtedly on her face as she replied, "What was that about you loving me, Kagamin?"

"Th-that's not—! I said I liked talking to you, nothing more!"

"You're blushing," she teased.

"How would you know if I was or not? This isn't a video chat!" Unfortunately, she was right; I was blushing. Why was I blushing? Konata was just a friend. A rather annoying friend at that; one who just worms her way into your life and makes herself at home, making it impossible to live without her…

…By which I mean that once she's there, there's no getting rid of her! Not that she makes herself indispensable! I've actually been enjoying the respite from her constant presence quite a bit, even if she does keep calling me!

…But she did always have a tendency to say those weird things, the result of her ero-game personality. And somehow, even though she was treating me like I was one of her haremettes, she always made me blush…

Because deep down…I was never a haremette. Miyuki played the role of the buxom ditz, but that character is never the main girl. And Tsukasa's just as innocent as Miyuki but without the added charm points of being busty, book-smart, and wearing glasses. And while Konata was always a big fan of the loli's route, no doubt a result of her perverted nature being heavily influenced by her father raising her alone, she only ever took incestuous routes out of necessity for 100% completion and didn't really seem to enjoy them. So that would make mine the preferred route, wouldn't it?

…Agh, she's got me thinking like her!

It don't do me any good
It's just a waste of time
What use is it to you
What's on my mind
If it ain't coming out
We're not going anywhere
So why can't I just tell you that I care

And it wasn't even right, because Konata didn't always go for the "main girl". There really wasn't any good reason to rule Miyuki out. Hell, Konata's email address suggests that she's a huge fan of "meganekko". My only real "advantage" is that I'm a twin, which by necessity isn't one that's unique to me. (Why do so many of these games have a pair of twins in them, anyway, if they still make you pick one or the other?) Yeah, this was foolish…

…Well, Konata claims that I have something else, that I'm one of those "tsunderes" that are so popular these days, but from the way she describes them I'm not even sure if people like that really exist. But why should I care about her otaku dating sim standards? They're not going to help me land a boyfriend, or if they do, it'll be a useless otaku!

…Konata…

Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it
Yeah

…Konata. "Didn't I tell you to quit calling me so often, you stupid otaku?" The words left my mouth before my mind could even register that that wasn't her ringtone. "…Sorry. Konata-chan's just been calling me an awful lot."

"Is that why you haven't been calling every day like you said you would?" Tsukasa asked.

"…That's part of it. I swear, I really would've called more frequently, but in between schoolwork, trying to actually have a social life here, and talking to Konata-chan, there just hasn't been much time. I'm sorry…"

"It's okay. Kona-chan needs you more than I do."

"…What do you mean by that?"

"Well, I do miss you, but not as much as I thought I would. There's still Inori-san and Matsuri-san, so it's not as lonely as if it were just our parents and me, but Kona-chan just has her dad, and that's, well…not much."

"Didn't she always spend all her time on the internet with people she doesn't even know in real life anyway?"

"Yeah, a bit. And she's still working at the café; she's shifted to a full-time employee now. But she still comes over here a lot. She really seems to miss you."

"…That would explain why she can't seem to leave me alone. …And why she only ever calls at odd hours, or at least when it's dark outside. Still, if she's working full time, she shouldn't be staying up as late as she does. I'm going to have to come back home and straighten her out."

"Don't worry; I'll tell her what you said. …How would you know how late she stays up?"

"I told you, she often calls at odd hours, like at 3 in the morning. Seems like there's rarely a day I don't wake up with a missed call on my cell phone."

"…Well, I'll tell her you're concerned." Geez, Tsukasa, did you have to put it that way? "Bye, onee-chan."

"Bye," I replied, and suddenly got this feeling that I was overlooking something obvious. Konata wasn't that brazen, was she? …Well, even if she was, Tsukasa wouldn't have been able to avoid saying something more direct.

I called her anyway.

"Aw, can't be without me for more than a few hours after all? I guess I'll have to start calling you on my lunch breaks as well."

"Stop being such a smarmy jackass." I was really not in the mood for her teasing. "I just talked to Tsukasa and she said you've been over at our house quite frequently. You wouldn't by any chance have been in the room during that conversation, would you?"

"Of course not! What would make you think that, Kagamin?"

"She kept saying that she'd relay what I said."

"Tsukasa-chan has never been that subtle. Was I a big topic of conversation?"

"Only because you've been calling me so damn often that I just answered the phone by yelling at you before I could even process that you weren't the one calling me."

"Well, it's good to know I'm on your mind."

"Stop saying such stupid things, Konata-chan. And quit calling me so often."

"You were the one who called me this time."

… "Oh yeah. Sorry; force of habit." There was a long silence, but it didn't sound as though she'd hung up. "…Konata-chan?"

"Yeah, I'm still here."

"G-good. I'm sorry I've been so hard on you; it's just that you really burn me up inside sometimes, and it's just so trying, it's wearing me out. You just thrust yourself into my life, and you just keep eating away at me, and it just rubs me the wrong way and good lord I've just given you way too much fuel for your perverted comments, haven't I?"

"…No."

"Konata, I just said like five or six things that could be construed as double entendres without even noticing it."

"Did you? I honestly didn't even notice."

"Liar."

"What you actually said wasn't important. I'm just happy to hear Kagamin's deredere side again; it's been far too long."

"…Who's 'deredere'?"

"Ah, no, I hit another bad ending flag!"

"And yet you still continue the otakuspeak even though you know I hate it."

Another pause. "…Would you prefer it if I said that I was lying about having not noticed your double entendres, and that I actually had my panties down around my ankles by the time you caught on to the things you were saying?" A loud sound of plastic on wood was the reply she received. "Good, because that would've been a lie. You should really know better than to try slamming the phone down angrily when you're talking on a cell phone, Kagamin."

"…I hate you so much right now."

"Then hang up."

"You hang up."

"Nah, I don't wanna. You hang up."

"I'm not hanging up; you hang up."

"You're the one who wants this conversation over. You hang up."

"I'm not about to lose this battle. You hang up."

"Isn't this argument about who hangs up the phone first something that lovers do?"

I hung up. Annoying little twit.

What's wrong with my tongue
These words keep slipping away
I stutter, I stumble
Like I've got nothing to say
Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it
Yeah

After that night, however, my relationship with Konata improved. She didn't call me nearly as frequently, and when she did, she was surprisingly normal, almost like she'd become a real person. The only time she lapsed into otakuspeak was when talking about her job—but then again, her job was basically to cater to otaku. That subject did lead to one of the few times I got mad at her again, when she claimed that she used me as a basis for a new "tsundere" persona that she'd been trying out. This was, of course, just plain silly, and as I pointed out to her, her job was at a cosplay café, so she'd only need to act tsundere when playing a tsundere character—and with her knowledge of just about every manga and anime ever, Konata would easily just be able to use the behavior of the character she would be playing as a basis for how she should act. Surprisingly, Konata just dropped the issue there, said that I had made a good point. Normally she'd say something like "But it's so much more fun to act like you, Kagamin!" …Was I missing the old Konata?

…No, not at all. Sure, old Konata was kind of endearing in her many faults, but this Konata seemed to have all of the old one's better traits without nearly as many of the bad ones. She was kind, and understanding, and a good friend, and when I asked about her sleeping habits (since, lacking the missed calls at 3 AM, I no longer had any way of knowing), not only did she not lie and tell me that she was being good about getting to bed at a decent hour, she seemed genuinely apologetic for her bad habits…no, for making me worry about her.

Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say
If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you...

Finally, summer break came, and with it, a chance to go home and see my friends and family.

To see Konata.

Unfortunately, there was another loud and boisterous presence waiting for my return. "Hey Hiiragi-san! Long time no see!"

"…Hi, Kusakabe-san." Mercifully, Ayano showed up to drag her away shortly thereafter.

"Well, that was certainly…entertaining."

"Why do I get the feeling you're about to go all Tamura on me?"

"…I thought you wanted me to be more like Hiyori-chan. She manages to still be, what was it, 'useful to society' despite being just as much of an otaku as I am."

Only because she manages to parlay her nerdiness into the creative side of the otaku equation, giving her a chance at a future as a mangaka. "You know exactly what I was referring to, Konata-chan."

She did. "I missed you, Kagamin." She put her arms around me—went up on her toes to get a better angle.

I responded in kind. "I know."

Away, be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down

Summer led to fall, and finally a boyfriend, but it didn't last long, and by the time fall gave way to winter I was single again. Christmas came, and I spent it…sitting in that goddamn cosplay café where Konata works. I felt kind of pathetic, but…not entirely unhappy. Konata prevented that. And she didn't even bother trying to rope Tsukasa and me into dressing up, either; normally she'd jump at the chance to use our "twin appeal" to her advantage. I actually asked her about this, and she said that I was cute enough as it was. God, Konata, why must you be such a player all the time?

March came around, and with it spring approached—but for a perpetually single girl, March is always the coldest month of the year. (CCX: Obviously this line had to be modified from its original state. "February is always the coldest month of the year" works better because it actually is, and while that line would still work for me even in Japan, it wouldn't work for Kagami. But this is actually better than if it were February.) White Day came and I didn't receive a single chocolate—and not surprisingly, I found myself on the phone complaining about this fact to Konata. "Sorry to hear that, Hiiragi-sempai."

"…What did you just call me?"

"Well, I guess 'Kagami-sempai' seems more appropriate because we're so close, but I wanted to try out the more formal mode of address just once."

"K-Konata…please tell me this isn't another of your jokes…"

"Now why would I joke about something like this…my most honoured and respected sempai? …Sorry, couldn't help joking around a little. But seriously, you didn't really think I'd just give up, did you? After all, I can't disappoint my Kagamin; she has such high hopes for me."

"I'd just be happy if you didn't waste your entire life away."

"Well, now you'll get to be the sempai that you always wanted to be to me."

"I…what? You always wanted me to be more like a sempai than a classmate!"

Konata just laughed. "Maybe you're right." Wait, something was odd; that didn't sound like it came out of the phone…

"…What are you doing here?"

"Is that any way to greet a girl?"

"…I'm just going to assume that that's a line from something so that I can ignore it. But…I am glad that you're going to be coming here after all, even if it is a year late."

"…Anything else you want to say…or do? Maybe give me a big, deep kiss?"

"…Should've known you'd have perverted thoughts in your head."

"Kagami…don't be like that. I love you…"

On one knee, marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

"I…I love you too, Konata." And then I took her advice, and her lips…and I accepted her love, and my love.

These things I'll never say

CCX: That…was actually pretty good. Kagami really is the prototypical tsundere for me, so she was a perfect fit for Avril's anthem of tsundere-tude. And yeah, I realize that I played a bit looser with the canon than I normally do, but damnit, it made for a good story! Until next time!

…Oh my, I broke my rule about not writing after midnight, just a little bit. Which means…it's now my birthday! A great way to mark the occasion; second straight year I released a new fic on my birthday. Ja ne!