My scream wakes me as I fight too free myself from my drug fuelled sleep- sweat beads on my neck and my hands grip the duvet till my knuckles are white. My eyes open violently and I breathe heavily…

How did it all change? The Hunger Games…the barbaric, blood hungry games; who ever thought that it was a good idea? Who ever thought I'd win it?

Not me.

And now I have to be a mentor… yet I still can't forget my games… and still can't forget the horrors…

When my name was picked from the ball my heart stopped, I couldn't breathe; for me it was a death sentence. I'd never really watched the games; they were on in the background of my life. I was 15 and coming from District Four agile in water and that's about it. I was small although muscled from the sea, and pretty much unremarkable apart from my luminous emerald eyes and my mothers' fortunate looks- at 5-foot-tall and not even 100 pounds my chances were none... I was the youngest girl to ever be reaped from district four, and when I left on the train I thought I'd never come home.

My mentor was a woman named Mags, a lovely older lady who was so very kind; she held me like my mother when I sobbed, brokenheartedly on the train. She hummed to me under her breath, and despite everything she made me feel so very, very safe. She spoke softly and soothingly, murmuring sweet words to me. My District partner was an 18-year-old, called Marsh; he was huge all 6-foot- 5' of him was heavily muscled and he was lethal as a killer- almost instantly he was a favourite to win.

The capital was like nothing I'd ever seen before in my life. The grotesque disguises of those mutilated by the capital were enticing, I'd never seen anything like it and it was made all the more extreme and all the more wonderful. The colour; the vibrancy; I was in awe of the peculiar match work that was life in this bustling city, that had never known what it was like to work hard and go hungry. As much as I hated that it had sentenced me to death, driving to the training centre made me envious of the safety and fun that seemed to ooze from every pore of every citizen, of every building…

My prep team were outrageous but mostly more than complimentary. Polly, a plump young woman with spiked magenta hair and gold patterns inked into her forehead 'oohed' and 'ahhed' at my eyes, rambling away about how such a beautiful thing could come from a 'district'. Elsa, a small willowy character with inch long golden nails kept touching my long curtain of naturally curly blonde hair; almost unintelligible as she spoke in glee about all the things the capital could do. My hair covered me to mid-thigh, curly and beautiful; the only thing that I thought was truly beautiful inside of me. Tee was the only part of my prep team who wasn't as complimentary, he ripped out my leg hair with a face that was like disgust; murmuring away to himself and tutting when I yelped in pain. It was hours of scrubs, shampoos, waxing and shaving then came the plucking and a hose down or two. By the time I was through with my prep-team I wanted nothing more than to submerge myself into the sea back home, and swim far away… instead I got to meet my stylist.

Axel came into the room, and was a surprise. His long hair was tied up to show his strong jawline and cheekbones, and he had very few capital changes. The most on show was two hoops on his left nostril, thick metal hoops that were pierced into his nose and interlocked; the second of which was the selection of hoops that went all the way up his ear- a mixture of gold, silver and bronze. All of this didn't change the look in his eyes or disguise the youth that was more than apparent. Axel was new, he was young and he was very much beautiful. He spoke with reverence and didn't try to sugar coat the whole thing. We ate lunch together that day and he spoke none stop about his dream and ambition, he made me think past what was to come. For the chariot parade he prepped me himself, braiding my long hair pinning pieces up and adorning it with seaweed, nets and pieces of the sea- my face changed and was given tone- I was aged with the use of highlighters and random make-up pallets. When I'd looked in the mirror I hadn't even recognised myself: the strong brows, the outlined eyes, even my lips weren't my own. He donned me in fabric so soft, it rippled in the wind and reminded me of the sea I loved so much. The skirt flowed along the floor, covering me from my waist in rippling sheets of home. Marsh was dressed in the same fabric as me except his outfit consisted of just pants, it was obvious that his stylist was playing the heart throb card. I only caught glimpses of myself that night but people watched me, and it was the first time I'd felt truly ill in my time at the capital.

I can't breathe. My body is hyperventilating in my room. It takes me many moments to compose myself and to find my centre again.

'It's okay.' I chant to myself. 'It's not you again.'

I turn and look to my clock, seeing the hands turned to quarter to nine; the reaping isn't until eleven. I feel my body shake in acute fear of what is to come. This year is my first year as mentor, at 18 I am now the female mentor for district 4. It doesn't seem real somehow. I have gotten away with not even being shown on camera for the last couple of years, disappearing after my victory tour but now I have to go back and be one of the capital's victors. The word feels sickening on my tongue, I cannot believe I have to do this, that I have to take some poor girl to the heart of our nation only to have to battle to the death. Mag's stroke has played a key part in me having to take the role so soon; there is another female victor Annie Cresta but I don't think she could cope…even with Finnick there. Finnick was mentor two years ago, when I was in my games- he's the capitals heart throb and he has been since the moment he came of age but the saddest thing is he loves Annie… we can't tell anyone because of the capital but it's true.

I walk down the stairs in my house, feeling the sun through the windows bathe my face, I tie my robe tighter around my middle and hurry to my kitchen filling my kettle for tea. The knock on the door stuns me.

'Knock knock…' I'd recognise that voice anywhere.

'Axel?!'

'One and only.' I run at him and he catches me; swinging me in a circle-he is the only thing from the capital that I truly miss, it has been over a year since I last set eyes on my stylist but nothing has changed.

'What you doing here?'

'I can leave if you want?' He jokes.

'You know what I mean!' I say playfully punches his shoulder.

'Ow…' He says for affect and then he reaches for my hand. 'I thought you might want a little handholding and I've missed you… thought I might have seen you at the last games…'

'Yeah I didn't really…'

'Shh I know.' He raises my hand to his lips. 'So I'm here to prep you.'

'Oh god.' I laugh.

'Exactly, like I said last time I'm here to do anything to make this easier for you…'

His words stun me and take me back to our first meeting:

'Hi I'm Axel; I'm your stylist, your friend…'

'I'm Ayda…' I mumbled.

'Well Ayda lets make an impression!'

'What's the point? I can't win this.'

'Hope, hope can do so much…'

'What difference does it make to you?'

'Everything, I'm here to do anything to make this easier for you…'

I'd smiled and that's when I'd first began to trust him.

'Ayda! Ayda!' His fingers clicking in front of my face rouse me from my flashback.

'Sorry, sorry.'

'Sweetie I'm here and your safe.' He pulls me in for a hug and I let myself enjoy the closeness; his hand stroking my hair makes me feel like a child and I let myself relax against him for a few moments before I look up to his face.

'Thank you.' I murmur.

'Anytime.' He breathes.

'Tea?' I ask stepping back.

'Two sugars and milk please.'

'Snap!' I laugh childishly, grabbing two cups from my cupboard and pouring the hot water into my teapot.

'So how's everything?' Axel says as he goes into my hall coming back with two large bags and one plain clothing bag hung over his arm.

'Well apart from the obvious, pretty good actually- I have my talent sorted.'

'Oh God do I even want to know?'

'Look!' I say pointing to my conservatory that overlooks the sea.

'Is that pottery?'

'Hell yeah!' I laugh.

'So that's your capital talent, what's your real talent?'

'Em…self-defence…'

'Ayda?'

'I know but it's just something I have to do.'

'Hey I'm not judging you, I'm worried about you.'

'I worry about me too…'

'Ayda why didn't you call me?'

'Well your busy with Capital stuff… I didn't want to bother you…'

'You're an idiot…have you pierced your ears again?'

'Oh yeah…' I say raising my hand to my ear touching the two hoops.

'I've missed you Ay.'

'I've missed you too.'

I don't know who leans in first me or him but it's like fireworks when our lips meet and all the tension just melts away. It takes me back to when we kissed on the train, on the Victory tour when I'd had a day from hell.

'I killed that kid.'

'You wouldn't be alive if you didn't.'

'Why am I any better than them?'

'It's a game Ay, that's all it is.'

'It's sick.' I screamed into the pillow, feeling the hot tears flood my cheeks.

'Yeah it is.' His arms had encircled me then, as they had done countless times already.

'I want this to all do away.'

'District twelve is always bad, everyone says it is because they all look so tired and gloomy… they haven't won in years.'

'Does that make it any better?'

'That's not what I'm saying Ay just stop hating yourself so much; you did what you had to, you lived.'

'Sometimes I wish I hadn't.'

'Don't say that!'

'I see it every time I close my eyes! I can't sleep without dreaming it!'

'Shh Ayda, please for me… I'm here and your safe.'

His hand caught me under my chin, lifting my face so I was looking up into his eyes.

'I hate it.'

'I hate it too… but please don't say that.'

'Why not?'

'Because…'

His lips found mine, heating my own with his as they moved in sync together.

'Because of that.'

I open my eyes and look at Axel, so much has changed since then. I survived the victory tour just, and came home. I tried to forget; meaning I tried to shut him out. I didn't want to but I didn't want any trace of the memory. I break our kiss and gasp in a breath as he does the same.

'I've missed that…' I mumble.

'I've missed that too.' He says with a goofy grin.

I busy myself with the tea, pouring it into the cups and adding milk and sugar. I hand him one, and walk over to the stove.

'Eggs?' I ask holding up the pan.

'Sure.'

'So what do you mean by prep? Emotional? Or physical?'

'How about we start at both?'

'I can live with that.' I say taking a sip of my tea.

'I hear Mags is doing better…'

'Yeah somewhat so, her speech is gone really; she's coming with us to the capital but more as moral support than anything else. I can't even walk past the school; every time I see a kid all I can think is whether or not it will be them…'

'Hey this isn't your fault… it's the capital.'

'I know…' I say scraping at the eggs. 'Grab some plates from up there.' I say pointing. I flip the eggs onto the plates and we eat in companionable silence.

'So beauty base zero?'

'If we must!' I laugh taking one last sip of my tea.

Prep takes just over an hour, and now I look at myself in the mirror. I look someone strong, someone who is as rich as me; I look like a part of the capital and despite myself I can't help but smile because it's all so very me. my hair is an abundance braids, tightly woven so that only thin artistically placed curls fall away, it makes me looks so almost regal and tall. The make-up hides the darkness under my eyes and makes them wide, emphasising the green. But what I love most is the fabric, the playsuit is tightly fitted to me, a soft satin that is so smooth to touch. The spaghetti straps hang on my tan shoulders, making the deep blue all the more gorgeous; even the colourful beading catches the light and shines.

'So?' Axel asks from behind me, twirling one of my curls around his finger.

'Perfect.' I say simply turning in his arms, and placing my lips to his like it's the most natural thing in the world. He breaks the kiss, looking down at my through his fan of lashes.

'What?' I ask, feeling colour flood me cheeks.

'I had one more thing but…'

'But what?'

'I don't know whether I was wrong.'

'Ask me.' I say, feeling more confident than I have in months despite the butterflies flipping in my stomach. Instead of speaking he unzips the smaller of the bags he brought with him, inside he lifts out a couple of shirts and a jacket before pulling out a simple grey box- one that looks almost industrial.

'What's that?' He clicks open the latches, inside protected by sponge is a weird metal contraption, small in shape and weirdly rectangular.

'A piercing gun.'

'Huh?' My piercing had been done with a gun, but it looked nothing like that.

'For your nose.'

'Oh.'

'Yeah I know bad idea…' He shuts the lid on the box and fastens one of the latches before I place my hand on his stopping his movement.

'Do it.' I say softly.

'You sure?' His voice is nervous.

'Yes please.' I say. I watch as he takes the gun from the box and with expert hands assembles it with a nose ring and positions it in and around my nostril.

'You sure.'

'Positive.' The pain is peculiar, its sharp but over as quick as an electric shock.

'Ta-da.'

I look in the mirror and stand, I look better than I have since my games and it's all at the hands of Axel.

'Thank you.'

'No need.' He murmurs kissing me again. I look over at the clock.

'Crap!' I hiss.

'What?' He asks in alarm. My stomach has begun flipping, spinning making me want to puke… my chest constricts.

'Ayda you can do this!' He says taking my hand leading me down the stair of my home.