How Oliver Wood became a Roadie

Oliver Wood aged fifty was exhausted. He had been doing a series of muscele strenghthening exersises for the past two hours. He had retiered from Inter-National Quiddich four years earlier and very quickley his twelve wives had noticed the consequences of a lack of exersise and continued full english had been brusquely informed that if he was to have any form of sex life then he would have to keep trim. Therefore, well into his middle age, he was doing punishing workouts aimed at twenty year olds,and to be fair it was paying off, he had a physique that many much younger men envied and still had the ability to indimidate morons attempting to chat his wives up in bars.

As he began to cool off, twenty year old Regulus (occasionally Regina) Black strode into the gym dressed in black dragon hide with a dragon fang through the top of one ear and black eyeliner emphasising the dark black eyes that he had inherited from his paternal grandmother.

"Wotcher Ollie"

Oliver grunted, "What are you here for you little scamp"

Regulus grinned, "I've only be here two minutes and already you assume that I'm up to no good."

Oliver rolled his eyes, "I've known you for twenty years and I went to school with Fred and George Weasley, what are you here for?"

Regulus let out a dramatic sigh, "Well, My dear Oliver, I have recently happened upon a rather intreging idea. One involving my father, my godfather and several ghosts."

"Spit it out."

"Are you aware of a certain band that was around in the late seventies and early eighties called The Hobgoblins?"

"Bit before my time but yes, go on."

"The Band was made up of Stubby Boardman, Jeff Porter, Reggie Lyons and Pat Pinkleberry, The initials SB, JP, RL and PP are also the initals or Sirius Black, James Potter, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, get where I'm heading?"

"You're telling me that your Dad was lead guitarist of the hobgoblins?"

"Give the man a coconut! I want to relaunch the band. Hell they may be sixty six and a bit past it, but when did that stop The Rolling Stones? Paul McCartney? We need something old to conquer the lame music that come in we need to bring back and golden oldies! ...Only trouble is I'm currently two band members short and I have found an incredibly illegal ritual to bring back a select few from the dead. The ritual requires a lot of illegal dirty work and I'm already in touble with the ministry for fraud and impersinating a government officer and well... I had a manicure done yesterday," said Regulus admiring his three inch black nails, "Will you help me?"

"Who are you bringing back from the dead?"

"Just the usual, Harry, James, Peter, Lily, Mad-eye, Dobby, Uncle Regulus, Myrtle and the guy from the go compare advert"

"Fine. What do we need"

Regulus brought out a brown and weather worn piece of paper and in an overly dramatic voice began to read the ingredients:

A Ritual moste foule for returning loved ones from beyond the grave.

1) The Hair of a goat

2) The song of a mermaid

3) three shots of vodka

4) one forged passport

5) 3 pints of o+

6) a yellow rubber duck

"It sounds more like Aberforth's shopping list"

Regulus scowled at Oliver and forced him towards the door muttering, "Why did I think relying on you was a good idea?"

Regulus and Oliver apparated to the middle of Godric's Hollow Graveyard and brought out the ingredients that had been aquirred from the Hogwarts lake, a muggle bar, a short and inebritating visit to Abeforth, and very draining visit to Dean Black and a tear filled trip home to retrive a yellow duck from Oliver's youngest daughter passport, Regulus had mysteriously brought out of the inside of the cloak, it was three years old and the passport holder was apparently Lana Goodwin, twenty three, of Boston, Massachuttes. Regulus had blushed profusely when Oliver had raised an eyebrow at the picture of Regulus' admittedly rather attractive alter ego.

"Right then, I'll conjure a fire up and you chuck them in."

Oliver rolled his eyes and did as Regulus asked.

The conjured flames turned pink and swayed about, Regulus raised his arms and said in a dramatic voice "James Charlus Potter, Lily Marie Potter, Peter Simon Pettigrew, Alastor Cieron Moody, Dobby Marmaduke, Regulus Arcturus Black, Harry James Potter, Myrtle Rebecca Middleton, And the guy from the Go compare adverts"

In a pink and purple flash the flame dissolved and the figures of the recently dead emerged. Oliver and Regulus stood stunned as they began to move.

A quick rendition of Thriller later and Oliver and Regulus were sat in The Three Broomsticks with Sirius, Remus, James, Peter and Harry.

Peter had a broken nose and had been informed that it would only be healed once Sirius had calmed down and Peter had fufilled a suitable punishment (James had suggested twenty years wearing paisley trousers before remembering that Peter had done that anyway)

The men were all nursing large tankards of mead and frequently toasting Regulus's idea.

"To the sluts on the front row in dragonskin and crop tops!" Sirius toasted before a tankard flew into the back of his head, guided by his wifes wand.

Two weeks later and the atrium of the ministery had been transformed into a concert hall, a stage had been constructed and Oliver had been forced by Regulus and Jeanne to spend two days ferrying equipment across and setting it up. Now it was the big evening, the strobes were ready, the mikes had been set up and the slutty fifty and sixty year olds were out in full force, including Bellatrix and Tonks Lupin who were dressed for the occasion in a corset and black leather trousers. Regulus had already set up a betting pool as to how long it would be before they flashed the stage, which was probably a bad idea considering that Peter was already complaining about the inequality of Remus having two attractive women pandering to his every need when he had none, at which point Sirius had pointed out that Oliver had a pack of veela, James had saluted him in respect and Lily had given James a concussion. (It had taken James three days of grovelling to end his punishment of sleeping on the sofa).

Oliver, Regulus and his cousins - Dean and Ginny's children, Braeden and Karan who were 15 and 13 as well as Dai, Ludo and Finbar, Olivers eldest sons and Oliver and James Weasley (formerly Fabian and Gideon see "How Oliver Wood became an attorney") were all stood backstage watching Remus, James, Sirius and Peter prepare for their performence by downing a shot each and slapping each other on the back, muttering I solumlly swear that I am up to no good. Taking a deep breath they took up their guitars and drumsticks and made their way on stage.

As Harry raised the strobe lighting (before returning to snogging Myrtle) the crowd went wild, Bellatrix's bra went flying towards Remus' head. From the sound desk Ron (under Hermione's supervision) gave them a thumbs up to begin.

"Good evening london!" yelled Sirius, "We are The Hobgoblins" the crowd roared in approval, "We have Pat Pinkleberry on Drums!" There was a scream from the crowd and Peter blushed before Tonks voice yelled "sorry Bellatrix is drunk already" and his face fell. "We have Reggie Lyons on Bass!" Remus swished his grey fringe as Bellatrix, Tonks and a sixth of the rest of the audience screamed their appriciation and lust for him. "On lead guitar we have...Jeff Porter" the audience was deadly silent...James looked around baffled until he realised that Lily was giving her death glare to the entirity of the audience. Remus grinned and mouthed whipped to James. "And finally and most importantly I am your lead singer- Stubby Boardman!" The crowd went ballistic and James struck up the first chords of "Hippogriff and the House elf".

Confidant that the show would now either be a suceess or an orgy, Oliver left the younger, more hormonal men to gawp and the astonish amount of clevage that was beginning to be put on full display. Oliver made his way to the bar that had been set up in the department of mysteries where Aurelie, Nathalie, Mathilde, Colette, Chantal, Eleonore, Helene, Ines, Jeanne, Manon, Oceane and Marianne where sat around the counter sipping cocktails and gossiping away in french, when they noticed him they made room for him and left lipstick all over his face. He sat there for two hours allowing the firewhisky the reduce him to a level of calmness where the only remotely worrying thing was whether he was going to still have a house after his other 27 children plus Lily (formerly Charity), Harry (formerly Gellert) and Thomas (formerly Albus, now more commenly known as Elvendork) Weasley and Teddy, Cassiopeia, Alcyone, Dcnoces, Izar, Maia, Naos, Polaris, Vega and Zaniah Lupin-Black, as well as as a whole host of other Weasleys had finished with it. Thomas/Elvendork was supposed to be in charge but knowing that Thomas was about as responsible as a Pygmy Puff, Oliver just had to hope that twenty one year old Gwenog would ensure that the house party calmed a little and that nineteen year old Lily would not demonstrate how far the Malfoy-Weasley feud was over with Scorpious.

Twenty minutes after the music had stopped vibrating the ceiling, Sirius, James, Remus, Peter as well as Lily, Rosmerta and Tonks and Bellatrix who were drunk and bursting out of their corsets arrived at the bar. As the band and their official groupies settled down with drinks, Regulus came bouncing towards them.

"Well done, that was fantastic, we've made so much money, Simone Cole's owled me already saying that she thinks that album is needed, it's just amazing!"

The band cheered and ordered more and more and more drinks, Peter attempting to come on to Padma Patil the more drunk he got. As Regulus downed another firewhisky he hiccuped and said "By the way Ollie, you did a bloody good job with the equipment shifting, here I've booked The Banshee's for next month, do you think I could rely on you again"

Oliver was by this point rather inebriated and didn't realise until Colette told him the next morning that he'd made a blood oath to be Regulus's roadie for life. Needless to say Oliver, for about six months after this attempted to stay sober, unfortunetly Lily and Scorpious's engagement party ended the attempt...luckily for Oliver he wasn't prosecuted for transfiguring Nelson's collum into Marilyn that's another story...

Hello everyone, Rita here, After this, there will be a break in writing and hopefully in reading as well until my exams are over, I shall be back I aim to do "How Oliver Wood nearly gained a brother-in-law" next and then "How Oliver Wood lost the battle of trafalgar" however I also have Black Wolf and I pontential X-Men story on the back burner, so who knows what will emerge in approximetly two or six months time. See you soon, Lots of Love and Kisses:

~TheRealRitaSkeeter