Mock Effect 2
Prologue
INT: ILLUSIVE MAN'S OBSERVATION ROOM
(We see an exploding sun. The camera pulls back to reveal a curvaceous brunette in a bodysuit talking to a figure relaxing at a desk with many virtual screens. This figure is smoking a cigar and receiving a foot rub from an assistant)
BRUNETTE : Shepherd did everything right, more than we could have hoped for. Saving the citadel, even the council, humanity now has the trust of the entire galaxy… and still it's not enough! Maybe we shouldn't have tortured all those aliens…
BOSS: Our sacrifices have earned the council's gratitude, but the Shepherds are still our best hope.
BRUNETTE: Won't they have a problem with our master plan for taking over the Galaxy?
BOSS: The Brother won't. Especially if you ask nicely.
BRUNETTE: But Jane Shepherd sacrificed thousands of alliance troopers to restore the galaxy to a three man dictatorship! Don't you think she'll have a problem with us?
BOSS: We'll work that out later. Every Goody Two Shoes has their weak points.
BRUNETTE: But the Council is sending them to fight Geth, GETH! We both know they're not the real threat. The Reapers are still out there!
BOSS: And it's up to us to stop them.
(BOSS waves foot rub assistant away, and takes a swig of scotch)
BRUNETTE: Sir, you're doing it again.
BOSS: What?
BRUNETTE: Talking like a dictator. We're aiming for suave. People like suave villains.
(BOSS glares at her)
BRUNETTE: Anyhow, the Council will never trust Cerberus. They'll never accept our help. Even after we turned entire colonies into husks and killed a prominent human admiral. But Shepherd, they'll follow her; she and her brother are heroes, bloody icons. But she's only one woman. If we lose her, humanity might well follow.
BOSS: Then see to it we don't lose her.
BRUNETTE: Sir!
BOSS: That WAS Suave!
(Fade to black: The Speed-Reading typists of ME1 have returned and quickly repeat all of that we just learned concluding with the fact that the NORMANDY is now on patrol)
EXT: SPACE: DAY
(We see the starship SSV Normandy fly out of hyperspace, pay a toll and merge into traffic)
INT: NORMANDY MAIN DECK: DAY
(The Normandy's Pilot, JOKER, and Chief Navigation Officer, PRESSLEY, are discussing pressing matters)
JOKER: I'm telling you, Aaron, Michael Jackson was a philosopher of ancient earth, not some lame musician!
PRESSLEY: Are you kidding? Then why do all the profound quotations we can find by him rhyme? And if he was so wise, why did he change from humanoid to alien?
JOKER: Because he saw the futility of our existence and aspired to something greater!
PRESSLEY: So great he overdosed on sleeping pills?
JOKER: You know he was forced to take those by the Supreme Congress!
PRESSLEY: Bah, who cares, the guy is dead. Why are we wasting our time here anyway? We've been patrolling this sector for four days, and not even one desk lamp has popped its head up.
JOKER: I don't know, but three ships have gone missing here in the past month, something happened to them.
PRESSLEY: My money's on slavers… or Turians.
JOKER: Yeah yeah, we get it, you're still racist.
RED SHIRT 1: There's something coming up on our long range scanners. Unidentified vessel, hmmm… looks like a cruiser.
JOKER: Doesn't match any known signatures.
RED SHIRT: Hence the unidentified part, sir. Cruiser is changing course, now on intercept trajectory.
PRESSLEY: That's impossible, we're running silent.
RED SHIRT 1: Um… I can see them through the window. They can probably see us too.
(The unidentified ship fires a Death Laser. JOKER turns stick wildly, but pauses to turn off the autopilot, costing him crucial seconds)
JOKER: Brace for evasive maneuvers!
(JOKER tries to impress the attackers with a loop the loop and a double spin, but they merely keep the death laser trained on the Normandy's engines)
(Death Laser hits the engine and the ship reacts violently, almost shearing in half from the explosion)
(PRESSLEY jumps up to find an escape pod but is hit in the eye by a spacebar from an exploding keyboard. He falls to the ground, mutters something, and dies with a very surprised look on his face)
JOKER: Somebody put that fire out!
RED SHIRT 1: The ship is exploding, sir, the fire is the least of our problems! Haven't you no…
(RED SHIRT 1 tries to finish her sentence, but is impaled by piece of metal and falls dead, almost losing the smirk on her face)
INT: NORMANDY CREW DECK: DAY
(Panic has ensued as the entire crew tries to find an open escape pod at the same time. ASHLEY WILLIAMS & CARTH ALENKO, the romantic interests from the first game, run down the hallway so concerned over the fate of the SHEPHERDS, they forget to put on their helmets while the ship is leaking atmosphere)
(JANE fiddles with the distress beacon as John turns to face them)
ASHLEY: Will the Alliance get here in time?
JOHN: They damn well better. I'm not doing this so they can find my frozen corpse out in space somewhere.
ASHLEY: OUR frozen corpses, sir.
JOHN: No, I plan on eating your bodies for meat and staying alive as long as possible.
JANE: (Ignoring Him)The distress beacon is launched. Is everyone in the escape pods?
CARTH: Everyone but Joker, who's taking his own sweet time. Something about getting his Orc to an Inn?
JANE: I thought we told him no more video games on duty.
JOHN: I did! I even snapped his thumbs. Bastard must have used magic healing gel.
CARTH: Not to be picky, but guys, the ship is blowing up!
(JANE looks at JOHN inspiringly)
JOHN: Fine, you guys get out of here, Jane and I will go get Joker and haul his crippled ass to the escape pod which is conveniently located where the exit used to be.
(CARTH and ASHLEY make worried sounds and look pitiful. Then they put on their helmets.)
TOGETHER: We're not leaving you!
JOHN: Get the hell out of here. If I have to rescue one cripple, I'd rather I didn't have to come back for you morons too!
(CARTH and ASHLEY run away, jump into the next to last escape pod, and are jettisoned off into space. JANE claps JOHN on the back encouragingly)
JANE: You did the right thing!
JOHN: Maybe. But I get the medals this time.
(JOHN & JANE run upstairs, admire the view, and walk into the cockpit. JOKER is worriedly pressing buttons and muttering about bandits)
JANE: Joker! It's just a game!
JOKER: No, it's a level 120 Orc Paladin, I can't abandon it. I can still save her!
JOHN: (Shoots computer console) Don't be stupid! I don't get a medal unless we leave right now!
JOKER: Oh no… they're coming around for another attack!
(JOHN and JANE grab JOKER, and shove him into the last escape pod. JANE gets in with him, while JOHN pauses to look magnificent in the glow of the explosions.)
(The Death Laser fires again, smashing the bulkhead that JOHN is standing on. JANE jumps out of the escape pod and yanks him out of the way just in time. As they roll to the side, the ship begins to split apart, cutting them off from the escape pod and expanding the vacuum sucking them into space)
(JOHN grabs hold of JANE's leg while she uses the last seconds of gravity to eject JOKER's pod. Another explosion sends them spinning into space)
JOHN: Well that was a bright idea. I knew I should have got in the pod first!
JANE: I just saved your life!
JOHN: And now we're both in a huge vacuum with a miniscule amount of air and no heat. Grrrreat idea, sis.
JANE: You'd prefer I hadn't pulled you away from the death laser?
JOHN: Oh, you're right, suffocating and freezing to death at the same time is much better.
(While they've been arguing, shrapnel from the continuing explosions has punctured their suits. They continue arguing unabated until JANE notices that JOHN is unconscious. She looks at the view of a planet rimmed in sunlight and mutters a final sentence)
JANE: Here we go again…
(As the Shepherd's unconscious forms descend into the atmosphere, the camera focuses on the rising sun, creating a familiar logo, beside it the ominous words: MOCK EFFECT 2)
CHAPTER 1: Waking Up Is Hard To Do
(The scene changes, and we see a shriveled blood vessel, slowly brought back to life by magic needles. The Australian voice of the BRUNETTE is heard)
BRUNETTE: The Shepherds have been recovered. The Lazarus Project will proceed as planned.
INT: STATION: MEDICAL BAY: DAY
(More magic needles are inserted, the heart resumes pumping, and the brain comes online again. Slowly their vision comes into focus. They hear voices)
BRUNETTE: No, Wilson, just because I wear a skintight suit and trot around like an Asari does not mean I want you to make "sweet sweet love to me"
WILSON: Oh come on Miranda, you did it with Jacob!
MIRANDA: That was a one time fling, and we decided that the one night was all we could take of one another!
WILSON: I'm way more of a Priiize than he is!
(MIRANDA grimaces, then notices something on the equipment and the two SHEPHERDS lying on the table looking very drugged and confused.)
MIRANDA: There on the monitor! Something's wrong.
WILSON: They're reacting to outside stimuli, they're aware of their surroundings. Oh my God, Miranda, they're waking up.
MIRANDA: (looks at Wilson) What kind of Doctor are you? Of course they're waking up! Damnit! They're not ready yet. Give them another dose of the sedative!
MIRANDA: (To Shepherds) Don't try to move. Just lie still, try to remain calm.
WILSON: Rubbing magic gel on their faces! Administering reflex test! Pounding on their chest and crying one last cry of despair! AUGH! It's not working!
MIRANDA: Where did you go to medical school? Another dose, now!
WILSON: Wow… that actually worked. Heart rate dropping, stats falling back into normal range. That was close, we almost lost them!
MIRANDA: I told you your estimates were off! Run the numbers again! And for the last time, you are never touching any part of me!
WILSON: Refuse me, will she? I'll get even, if it's the last thing I do…
(Fade to Black)
INT: SPACE STATION: MEDICAL BAY: NIGHT
(Lights flicker on, and we see the SHEPHERDS waking up with difficulty on a big table. MIRANDA's voice is heard over the loudspeaker)
MIRANDA: Wake up, Commander! This Facility is under attack!
JANE: (to John, Groggily) What? Trask? Who's attacking Taris? I'm still top of my class, right?
JOHN: I love the smell of lasers in the morning! (slaps JANE) Wake up already! Here's an ammo clip. Hand it to me when I run low.
JANE: Wait, what happened to the superguns with never ending ammo?
JOHN: (wistfully)I guess they got phased out in favor of these pieces of crap that are constantly overheating. I suppose I'll have to learn to aim now…
JANE: (after getting up) So where are we?
JOHN: How the hell should I know? Maybe we're dead… We're wandering down empty halls guided by a voice from on high.
JANE: Who ever thought God would be Australian?
JOHN: Let's face it, I'm here too. I just hope we can find that Miranda babe.
JANE: *Rolls eyes*
MIRANDA: (Overloudspeaker) Look out Shepherd, someone's turned all the mechs into killer robots!
JANE: Ok… so not heaven then.
JOHN: Ooooh, here's a grenade launcher!
(JOHN, picks it up, fires a random shot and lights a fuel line on fire)
JANE: Let's hope the magical shields still work.
(They walk down a few empty hallways, which all seem to have conveniently bulletproof glass to watch the Killer Robots murder everyone. JOHN applauds while JANE stands horrified when a young man gets a rocket in the face.)
(They finally come to a kind of open square, wherein a young black soldier is engaged in battle with some killer robots across the terrace)
SOLDIER: The Shepherds? Holy crap, what are you doing up? Things must be in bad shape if Miranda's got you up!
JANE: What was your first clue? The Killer Robots massacring the staff, or the whole place being on fire?
JOHN: Look, pal, I have a huge hangover and all this shooting is NOT helping, so fill me in on what exactly the hell is going on.
SOLDIER: Um… Now? They're shooting at us!
JANE: You're the one trying to hide behind a transparent piece of glass!
(The SHEPHERDS have taken up a more sensible position behind the planter)
SOLDIER: Ok… I have good news and bad news. Which would you like first?
JANE: Good news.
SOLDIER: Well, you're not dead anymore.
JOHN: and the bad news?
SOLDIER: It took us two years. Incidentally, unless we get out of here soon, it's going to be a massive waste of money.
(JANE, losing patience with the constant noise in the background, pops up from behind the planter and headshots the 7 Killer Robots who were trying to construct a bridge out of blown off body parts. She blows the steam away from her overheated pistol, and looks significantly at JOHN)
(They all stand up and look relieved)
SOLDIER: Wow, what great shots. I have biotics and I never thought to use them on the robots heads! What else do you want to know?
JOHN: Who the hell are you?
SOLDIER: I'm Jacob Taylor, and I'm the security chief for this station. I'm second in command following Miranda. You didn't happen to see a hot as blazes Australian girl on your way here, did you?
JOHN: No. But I dreamt about her.
JACOB: (continuing his thoughts) Normally, nothing this exciting happens.
JANE: You mean, normally, the robots don't go insane and kill everyone? Oh that's such a relief. What were you before this job, a real estate agent?
JACOB: How did you know? I worked for the alliance, getting veterans new accommodations! Then they asked me to be a Corsair and…
JANE: (Interrupting) Never mind. You said we were under for Two YEARS?
JACOB: Yeah, and most of that on a surgical table. It took billions of credits and super fancy cutting edge technology, and you wouldn't believe how much magical medigel, but we managed to bring the Spectre who saved the Citadel back to life! You're not a clone or anything; we just added a few parts!
JOHN: So how'd Jane survive?
JACOB: Um… actually, it's your heroic sister we went to all the trouble to save. We're not quite sure how you survived. We just put the extra parts we didn't need in you (no use wasting them). Incidentally, I'd avoid magnets from now on.
JANE: (to herself) Keep calm, don't panic, keep calm, don't panic. Just because you were dead and now alive does not mean you are the zombie of your nightmares. (She takes a deep breath) So who's attacking us? Darth Malak?
JACOB: Who? Are you still high on the drugs or something?
JANE: Never mind. If we're here, and its 2 years later… and the last thing I remember is the ship blowing up, what happened to the crew?
JOHN: Specifically the hot babes we had with us.
JACOB: Well, pretty much everyone made it out alive, only a couple red shirts and your navigator died. He got hit by a flying spacebar. They say his last words were "Damn Turians."
JANE: Sounds like him.
JOHN: Enough with the boring stuff, who's the saucy aussie chick?
JACOB: That's Miranda Lawson, the director of this facility. She oversaw your resurrection. Incidentally, I hit that.
(JOHN high fives JACOB, JANE rolls her eyes)
JANE: So she's the one who turned us into zombies. I need to have a talk with her.
JOHN: (with as light leer) Me, too. Wonder why her radio cut out?
JACOB: (with concern) I hope she's ok. Maybe by some chance she escaped the army of killer robots and the exploding portion of this space station, just like you two main characters. I knew that bulletproof glass everywhere was a good idea.
JOHN: So how do we find her?
JACOB: Hmm… Best to make for the escape pods. If we go down that hallway (JACOB is interrupted by a harsh, evil sounding voice)
EVIL VOICE: Is anyone there? I can't find the key to the escape pod, and I forgot to program the killer robots to ignore me. Um… Help?
JANE: Who is that? And did he just say what I thought he just said?
JACOB: That's Wilson, the chief doctor here. Not sure how he got here or what he did exactly, but promoting him seemed like the thing to do. Not much to do here waiting for you to be resurrected.
WILSON: Hello? Who's that?
JACOB: (oblivious)Wilson, it's Jacob. I'm here with the Shepherd twins. We're all ok. We were just covering the exposition of how they survived being dead for two years.
WILSON: WHAT? Ummm… Hooray! Glad to have you back!
JANE: Now about you programming the mechs to become Killer Robots…
WILSON: Never mind that now, you incredibly lucky people follow my harmless directions and come help me get my one man escape pod working.
(They follow his directions and walk directly into a Killer Robot trap)
JACOB: Do you ever get that funny feeling that someone is trying to kill you?
JOHN: Yeah. Usually that's when I shoot them in the face with a shotgun.
WILSON: Hey guys… you still there?
JANE: No thanks to you, Mr. Cypher. Why do we always get the lame villains?
WILSON: (tohimself)Got to think of something… (POW,wehearapistolfire) Oh my god that hurts. The things we do to save our career… (intoradio)OH NO, they shot me! Come save me, I'm in server room B!
(JANE pauses in her frantic dash to save the moronic villain whose shot himself to fiddle at a computer. Miranda's face comes up and we hear snippets of a report)
MIRANDA: We designed Commander Shepherd to come back just as she was. Same morality, same choices. As for her brother? Well , Que-sera-sera. No idea what he'll turn out to be. Though I wouldn't advise him going near any magnets in future.
JANE: Well, that's comforting at least. I'm a zombie with convictions.
(They eventually get to Server Room B, wherein WILSON is lying on the floor, muttering about teaching Neo a lesson)
JOHN: Say weren't you the guy who was in the lab? The one who was trying to get into the hot brunette's pants?
WILSON: (sigh) Yes, that was me.
JACOB: For the record, I hit that. (JOHN high fives him again)
WILSON: (Glaring) Could we get back to the guy bleeding on the floor please? There's some medigel over there.
JANE: Wait a second… who shot you? The Killer Robots wouldn't have let you live… And what's this pistol over here?
WILSON: Never mind that, patch me up!
(JOHN looks at him, then just to annoy JANE, he hits the medigel button on his arm. WILSON gets up, grinning like a crazed monkey)
WILSON: So… whoever did this totally fried the system. There's nothing we can do to stop it, Heheheheh. He was just too good!
(They all stare at him)
JOHN: Whatever. Can I shoot his face now?
JANE: Nah, let him go in front in case the killer robots come around the corner.
WILSON: Maybe we can sort this out later? In that lovely non-extraditing system just down the road?
JACOB: We have to go find Miranda. She's got the keys to the escape pod!
WILSON: Heheheheh. HAD the keys to the escape pod, you mean. The killer robots paid special attention to D wing. No idea why.
JACOB: Have you seen Miranda when she's mad?
WILSON: (Nervous) Hmm. Well, where is she then? If she's not here she's either Dead… or a Traitor! *DUN DUN DUN*
JANE: But she brought us back to life… in the middle of a killer robot attack which we would never have survived lying there.
WILSON: Ok, so not a traitor. Who cares? The important thing is I have to save my… Ourselves!
(Pushing WILSON out in front, they continue down the hallways, until JACOB stops them with an overly expressive sigh)
TOGETHER: What?
JACOB: Shepherd, I wasn't exactly honest with you two when I did the exposition earlier. I think you need to know that this facility is owned and run by Cerberus.
JOHN: So?
JANE: WHAT? Can't you people leave well enough alone? First you feed my squad to the thresher maws, then you tried to create an army of husks, you destroyed poor Admiral Kahoku, nearly exterminated a star system by creating a Rachni attack team! And now you turn me into a zombie?
JACOB: But you're alive. We brought you back from the dead.
JANE: AS A ZOMBIE!
JACOB: (Terrified) Not me! Just my power hungry terrorist boss! I just thought you deserved to know.
JOHN: Can I shoot them now?
JACOB & WILSON: Wait!
JACOB: Him you can shoot, he's a lousy villain anyway, but I'm a good guy. I have good reasons for working with terrorists, and my insane terrorist leader can tell you all about it!
JANE: Uh huh… right.
JACOB: Just please don't shoot me until we escape, alright? I can catch bullets for you!
JOHN: He has a point. You get up there with what's his face.
(They finally find an exit to the shuttle bay, guarded by a few short lived killer robots. WILSON runs ahead and tries to get in and lock the door behind him. He is faced with a very dour looking MIRANDA, who promptly shoots him in the face)
JOHN: I wanted to do that!
JANE: Why'd you kill him, we could have found out what he knew!
MIRANDA: Damn. I hadn't thought of that. But let's face it, he sabotaged my station, killed my staff, and was about to leave all of us hanging by stealing the shuttle, he had it coming.
(They all look down, and shrug in acceptance)
JACOB: Was Wilson really capable of all that by himself? I mean the guy was a moron who shot himself in the leg to keep a bad cover story going.
MIRANDA: Too risky. I've spent two years putting Shepherd back together, I'm not let the first moron with an overload power blow her to kingdom come… again.
JANE: Well I can't argue with that.
MIRANDA: Good. Now let's go see my pi..er… boss.
JANE: You mean the leader of the racist terror group Cerberus? The ones who have done nothing but impugn humanity's honor with the galaxy?
JACOB: Impugn, that's a good word.
MIRANDA: Look who grew a conscience. Don't kiss their asses too much, Jacob, they might send you back to Real Estate. Fine, yes, my boss is the Illusive Man, and he's delusional maniac, but he spent billions to bring you back from the dead, isn't that worth a few minutes of your time?
JANE: You are GALACTIC TERRORISTS! Why on earth would I go with you?
MIRANDA: There's only one way off this little piece of futuristic tin, and I have the keys.
JOHN: I'm with her. Much as I like fighting Killer Robots, I'm following the babe in the rubber suit.
JACOB: Despite my sudden outbreak of conscience in confessing I work for a mass murderer, I have no intention of quitting in the near future.
JANE: Fine. We'll go. I've had enough of this station to last a lifetime.
MIRANDA: Or two, in your case.
JOHN: Ooh, great line!
Mock Effect 2
Chapter 2: Tiny Farming Colonies with Big Daddies
INT: TINY SHUTTLE: NIGHT
(The SHEPHERDS and party take the shuttle out of the killer robot base and sit looking awkwardly at one another. MIRANDA speaks)
MIRANDA: Well now that you've escaped certain death and have had the sense to come see my boss, we need to test your mental capabilities.
JOHN: Our wha..?
MIRANDA: Not you.
JOHN: Oh, good.
JACOB: Are you sure this is necessary, Miranda? I mean, she proved her physical strengths on the station. She's as good as she used to be.
MIRANDA: I spent 2 years and billions of the Illusive Man's dollars to bring her back to life, Jacob, I am going to get my bloody money's worth.
JANE: Fine. What do you want to know? I speak fluent Trebek.
MIRANDA: What do you remember of your previous adventures?
JANE: Everything. From my recruitment as a Sub-SPECTRE to my visits to Noveria, Feros, Therum, Virmire & Ilos. I remember all my Squadmates: Tali the talkative Quarian, Garrus the resentful Turian, Wrex the battle hungry Krogan, Liara the oversexed Asari, and especially Ashley & Carth.
(A fondsmile comes to her face when she brings up Carth)
MIRANDA: Uh huh. But what about your adventures sticks out?
JANE: You mean besides the Terrorist organization dogging my every step?
MIRANDA: (huffs) Yes, specifically your choices throughout the mission.
JANE: Then, yes, I remember fighting through the plant zombies in order to spare the lives of some crazy colonists. I remember John murdering the last of the Rachni, and all the exploded marmalade in the prothean visions.
MIRANDA: What about on Virmire, when you had to leave a squad member behind to set off the nuclear device?
JANE: Had to? Oh right, that idiot Kirrahe. (mocks) HOLD. THE. LINE! No, Commander Shepherd, we can't set it off from space, no we have to send you in personally to blow the whole place up.(focuses) Yes, we were forced to leave behind our brilliant Quarian engineer, Tali 'Zorah Nar Rayya.
JOHN: And boy was that a relief.
JANE: We're not supposed to speak ill of the dead, John.
JOHN: But she isn't dead. She kept calling us after you got all your medals.
JANE: What? And you didn't tell me?
JOHN: No. I have my omni-tool automatically set to ignore her. I tried to set it that way for you too, but Ashley wouldn't help me.
MIRANDA: (Interrupting) Fine. Tali was left behind but somehow survived. How about your final decision at the citadel, when Sovereign was attacking?
JANE: I chose to maintain stability by saving the 3 man dictatorship that was making a mess of the Galaxy. Better the problems you know than total anarchy.
MIRANDA: Yes, and they offered a humanity a seat on the council. You were asked to nominate a candidate for the position.
JANE: I suggested Captain Anderson for both his personal charm and insight for marketing. Udina was a jackass, so I punched him out.
JOHN: Heh, that was funny.
JACOB: (Indignantly) Satisfied, Miranda?
MIRANDA: I suppose I'll have to be. Let's just hope the Illusive Man agrees.
(The Shuttle lands on another space station we'll never see again. JANE and JOHN are guided into a dark circular room, and the door is shut behind them)
JOHN: Oooo k.
(A strange sort of scanner, fancier than the ones in spaceports, crawls up their bodies, allowing them to see the ILLUSIVE MAN's observation room)
JANE: Jerk. Come out and face me like a man!
ILLUSIVE MAN: (Smirking confidently) Only a necessary precaution, madam. Not very unusual for people who know what you and I know.
JANE: (Suspicious) And what exactly do we know?
JOHN: Ooh! I Got this. We know that you know what we know, and that because you know, we know what you plan to do about it.
ILLUSIVE MAN & JANE: What?
JOHN: (sullen) Whatever.
JANE: You're a galactic terrorist. You may have had me rebuilt, but you don't know me, and I'd like to keep it that way.
ILLUSIVE MAN: (inhales on cigar, coolly gestures for JANE to relax) It's time for you to put your personal feelings for me aside, Shepherd, and realize we face a greater threat. One that threatens Humanity's very existence.
JOHN: (eager again)Ooh! I saw this in a movie once. Let me try one more time. Is it the Darkspawn?
ILLUSIVE MAN: No. (beginning to be annoyed)
JOHN: Orcs, then?
ILLUSIVE MAN: No. (steadily glares at JOHN)
JOHN: I give up.
ILLUSIVE MAN: The Reapers.
JOHN & JANE: Ohhhhhhh….
ILLUSIVE MAN: (Muttering) What kind of drugs did I give you anyways? (To Shepherds) Are you feeling alright? Perhaps we should have this conversation when you are more lucid.
JANE: Oh. I'm perfectly lucid. I wake up and find that A) I'm not dead, B) my ship and my friends are gone, and C) my worst enemy wants to make kissy face.
ILLUSIVE MAN: (uncomfortably) Cerberus isn't evil, Shepherd. We're both on the same side, we just have different methods.
JANE: I'm sure Admiral Kahoku appreciates just how different.
ILLUSIVE MAN: (losing temper)Look, I just spent billions of credits to bring you back from death itself. Would it kill you to listen to what I'm saying? We're at war. The Reapers may look like a unlimited buffet at Red Lobster to you, but they are a deadly unstoppable force and unless we quit this bickering and you listen to me, we will all be dead!
JANE: (stunned) OK. What do you have to say…
ILLUSIVE MAN: They're harvesting. I don't know how, but they are doing it at random colonies with no method of communication. Right now, the number of victims is in the hundreds of thousands.
JOHN: (Long slow whistle)
JANE: (Shocked but still doubting) And you expect me to believe that neither the council nor the alliance are doing anything about it?
ILLUSIVE MAN: The Alliance suffered heavy losses thanks to your little public relations stunt on the Citadel. They're spread so thin, they make Salarians look fat. As for the Council? Don't make me laugh.
JANE: It was better than the alternative…
ILLUSIVE MAN: (resentful)Well, we'll never know that, will we?
JANE: But why rebuild me then? For the money to took to bring me & John back from the dead, you could have created a massive army!
ILLUSIVE MAN: You're more than just a lucky person, Shepherd. You're a symbol. Both to us, and to the enemy. I don't know if this race of sentient robots has feelings, but on the off chance it does, I want to play as dirty as I can.
JANE: This is going to take some convincing. How do I know you aren't just trying to play me?
ILLUSIVE MAN: (victorious smirk) I'd be disappointed if you were that easy to play. I relish a good opponent.
(rethinks) Er… I mean ally. Sorry. This is going to take some getting used to for me as well. I have a shuttle ready to take you to Freedom's Progress, the latest colony to be hit.
JANE: Wait, if you knew it was just hit, why didn't you do anything about it?
ILLUSIVE MAN: Because all I know is that their communications just went dark, and this was the signal for several other similar events.
JANE: If this is true, I'll consider entering a temporary truce with you.
ILLUSIVE MAN: That's all I wanted to hear.
(ILLUSIVE MAN hits a button and the SHEPHERDS are standing in the round dark room again.)
JANE: Well that was strange.
JOHN: How was I supposed to know he was talking about the Reapers?
(They walk up the stairs, and JOHN nudges JANE)
JOHN: Give me a second, I'm going to go talk to Miranda
JANE: (Raises an Eyebrow) You think you really have a prayer with little miss ice queen?
JOHN: What can I say, I love a challenge.
(JOHN approaches MIRANDA, who is busily ignoring him while typing a report on the casualties lost at Lazarus Station)
MIRANDA: The Illusive man is very impressed with you and your sister. I'm eager to see if you can live up to his expectations on this mission.
JOHN: What's the matter, you jealous?
MIRANDA: No. I merely question whether you and your sister have the combined brains to put together a jigsaw puzzle, let alone save the galaxy.
JOHN: Are you naturally this bitchy, or is it just me?
MIRANDA: Listen, you little twerp, I believe in Cerberus and its mission, and if you and your sister don't come through we're all going to be in a very deep hole. So excuse me if I don't embrace you and ask how great being dead was.
JOHN: Just remember who's in charge.
MIRANDA: Yes, your sister. Now stop bothering me.
(JOHN stalks off, meanwhile JANE and JACOB have been having secretly taping the exchange for future use)
JACOB: I'm glad the Illusive Man convinced you to join us, Commander.
JANE: Whoa, hold on there, Sancho. I haven't joined anything yet. However, if what Timmy in there says is true, I at least owe it to those colonists to find out what's going on.
JACOB: Timmy?
JANE: The. Illusive. Man. T.I.M. Seriously, none of you ever thought of that before?
JACOB: No… but it does have a kind of ring to it.
JANE: See, there, I knew you were smart. A bit gullible, maybe, but smart.
JACOB: That's why I was in real estate for the Alliance. They knew I could move a piece of crap land on a piece of crap planet faster than anyone.
JANE: Then why'd you leave?
JACOB: I was supposed to be able to do what I wanted, with no restrictions or rules, but there was so much red tape, I wasn't allowed to lie or exaggerate about the house's condition hardly at all! Do you have any idea what it is to be a real estate salesman who can't lie?
JANE: I can imagine. OK, that explains your leaving the alliance, but how do you go from real estate to terrorism?
JACOB: Let's just say I was tired of nothing ever making a difference. I thought things would change and I would be able to make a profit after the citadel attack freed up a lot of rental units, but before I even got rolling, the council came in with fresh pile of bureaucratic BS.
JANE: (Acknowledging)They are good at that.
JACOB: Cerberus is different. When they want a unit sold, they put me to it, and I can keep a 30% commission. No writing reports justifying the local termite population, just sign the paper and done.
JANE: If you're still doing real estate, what were you doing on the Lazarus Station, and why are you going to this colony with us?
JACOB: Well, Tim sent me over there to see about selling the station after you were resurrected, and that took a good deal longer than expected. And hello? Empty Planet? Can you say open house?
JANE: So, you're not a sycophant, just a profiteer?
JACOB: I go where the profit is.
JANE: Right.
(JANE and JOHN meet at the shuttle, and are joined by JACOB & MIRANDA)
(JOHN sits in the corner and continues sulking, while MIRANDA addresses JANE)
MIRANDA: We'll be there shortly, the Illusive Man put us under your command, do you have any orders? (forced smile)
JANE: Miranda, I'm not here to steal your position. Are you going to be ok working with me?
JACOB: She'll be fine, Ma'am. Tim didn't have you resurrected just so we could ignore you.
MIRANDA: Tim?
JACOB: Yes, Tim. The. Illusive. Man. Catchy, isn't it?
MIRANDA: I suppose it is at that. As for us, Commander, we'll see. Just keep your brother off my ass.
JANE: I can try, but you're the one wearing the skintight jumpsuit. I don't suppose you have any potato sacks?
MIRANDA: No. (sidelong glance at JOHN,who has lost his sullen look, and now has his leer back)Though maybe I should invest in some.
JANE: Do you think we have any chance of finding out what happened?
JACOB: The other colonies we've been to had been hit by looters and government investigators first. Maybe this time we'll get a clean scene.
JANE: I thought Cerberus was the only one investigating this. Typical, Tim. Leave out the tiny detail that my job is already being done by professionals. (Addressing the rest) Alright, people, let's get out there and keep our eyes open. Maybe we can solve this big mystery, and I won't be stuck in a crisis where the only other people who believe me are terrorists.
(The team walks through a totally deserted city. JOHN eats somebody's stale hamburger. Suddenly, they are attacked by Killer Robots.)
JANE: Great… the killer robots are following us. Does anyone see a giant flaming gate nearby?
MIRANDA: No. Why would we? Anyhow, these robots were household servants for the colony. Someone programmed them to attack.
JACOB: Great. Do you realize how hard it is to sell Killer Robot territory?
(They continue onward, and into another trailer. Inside are TALI 'ZORA NAR RAYYA, PRAZZA & squad. As the Shepherds approach, a Mexican standoff erupts with JOHN, JACOB, MIRANDA and all the quarians drawing their weapons. JANE & TALI try to cool things down)
TALI: Prazza, you promised you'd let me handle this!
JANE: Guys, guys! Tali is ok!
MIRANDA: Those aliens have weapons on us Shepherd!
PRAZZA: I'm not taking any chances with Cerberus operatives!
TALI: PUT. THE. WEAPONS. DOWN. Or I will explain how I escaped Virmire. AGAIN.
(All the quarians put down their guns as rapidly as possible, followed slowly by the Shepherd team)
TALI: The Shepherds… is it really you? I thought you were dead. After Virmire, when no one returned my calls.
JANE: Cerberus just spent 2 years rebuilding me, Tali. In exchange, all they asked was that I visit this colony and solve a mystery.
PRAZZA: Why should we believe you? You're with them!
MIRANDA: We're investigating the disappearance of an entire human colony. How about you?
TALI: We're here for a fellow quarian who was on his pilgrimage. You haven't seen him have you?
JANE: No… But I would like to. If he was here, and survived the attack, he could be just what we need.
JACOB: What's a Pil… OW! (JOHN kicks him)
JANE: (Ignoring them) I'm so glad to see you, Tali, I thought you'd died on Virmire. My numbskull brother was deleting your messages. I didn't find out until five minutes ago that you'd even survived!
TALI: It's ok Shepherd. I can tell you what happened… (PRAZZA's eyelights widen, and there is an almost imperceptible desperate negative shake of his head.)
JANE: Perhaps another time. Why would Veetor come here? It wasn't exactly bustling even when it had people.
TALI: He was… unbalanced, and didn't like crowds.
PRAZZA: He's a nutcase. Who do you think set those killer robots up?
JOHN: So that's who I get to kill…
TALI & JANE: Stop it!
TALI: We saw him run away when we landed. He's holed up in the warehouse over there, but he's got it swarming with killer robots. Our best course of action would be to cooperate to defeat them, and then go after Veetor together.
PRAZZA: What, we're working with Cerberus now?
JANE: Hold it a second, what exactly did Tim do to you guys?
TALI: Tim?
JOHN: The Illusive Man. Roll with it.
PRAZZA: They infiltrated the flotilla, killed our people, and tried to blow up one of our ships!
JANE: That'd do it.
TALI: You're not working with Cerberus. You're working with me. And you'll do as I say. So we'll draw fire, while you go in headfirst?
MIRANDA: Grreaat.
(The groups disperse, with TALI & crew going one way, and SHEPHERD's team going the other. Midway through overloading a few tiresome moving rocket robots, TALI interrupts over the radio)
TALI: Shepherd! Prazza and his squad have gone on ahead. They were going to try to steal Veetor out from under you!
JOHN: Heheheh… under you.
TALI:..But they're in trouble. Veetor reprogrammed a heavy mech and it's tearing them apart!
MIRANDA: Serves them right.
JANE: Come on guys, you wouldn't be so cavalier about it if it were humans being blown to pieces!
(Taking cover, they approach the Heavy Mech's location. They see it take out several quarians in a brutal manner. The huge robot very easily keeps them all pinned down with its barrages of bullets, interspersed with cover eliminating rocket fire)
JANE: What IS that? What ne'er do well colony has one of those Big Daddys lying around!
JOHN: I don't know, but I want to kill it!
(MIRANDA tries to step out and take a potshot, but at that same moment the Big Daddy fires a rocket that stuns her. She lies immobile in range of the Big Daddy's warming up guns. )
JOHN: Oh no you don't, you sneaky narrator you.
(JOHN moving so fast that time itself seems to have slowed, steps out and fires a heavy pistol directly into the Big Daddy's robot face. The head comes off, the body slumps over with a strange red glow emanating from it. JOHN runs back to MIRANDA, and only barely makes it back to cover before the Big Daddy explodes in mini-nuclear fashion.)
MIRANDA: What the hell was one of those doing here?
(With the only sign of TALI or PRAZZA being various blood trails that end in disgusting ways, the Shepherds proceed and open the warehouse door. A quarian is working feverishly at a huge wall of monitors, muttering nonsensical gibberish)
VEETOR: 4 … 8… 15… 16… 23….42 Must type in the numbers every 108 minutes. No sleep… Monsters… Turn on killer robots…
JANE: It's Ok Veetor, You're safe now.
MIRANDA: He's pretty far gone. We're going to have to do something.
(JOHN snaps out his pistol and fires a shot into one of the monitors, startling VEETOR out of his haze. JANE glares at him.)
JOHN: What? I thought I saw a Robot! And it woke him up, didn't it?
VEETOR: What? Humans? How are you alive? The monsters didn't get you?
JACOB: No, but your robots certainly made a fair try.
JANE: We weren't here during the attack.
VEETOR: Ha ha ha. You weren't there. You didn't see. I saw everything.
(VEETOR collapses in fit of insane laughter, accidentally tripping the monitors back on and playing a video showing the unconscious colonists being loaded into wagons and hauled away by huge cockroach like creatures who in turn are surrounded by smaller insects)
MIRANDA: No… it can't be. A collector?
JANE: Those aren't stamps he's picking up…
JOHN: Though they are bobble heads!
(They all stare at JOHN until he stops grinning)
JANE: So what are "Collectors"?
JACOB: No one really knows what exactly they do. Only it's rumored that they live out in the unmapped space out beyond the Omega 4 relay, and that they eat anyone who tries to sneak through alive!
MIRANDA: They usually hire slavers or mercs to do their dirty work. Not many people see them in person.
JANE: Who does that remind you of?
(MIRANDA merely glares at JANE. JANE returns to VEETOR, who has stopped laughing and is now looking in around in bewilderment, muttering)
VEETOR: Am I in Purgatory? Are there Polar bears? WHERE THE HELL IS JACOB?
JACOB: I'm right here.
VEETOR: Did we blow up the island ok?
JANE: Yes, yes, you did wonderfully. The island is all gone now. How did you escape?
VEETOR: The monsters didn't find me. I ran away. I hid. The monsters don't find me.
JACOB: Maybe the suit hid him.
MIRANDA: Or Maaaybe the Collectors were only looking for Humans, and thereby ignored all other life signs on an alien planet, accidentally leaving a half crazy quarian behind. Mass Effect villains have made stupider mistakes.
JANE: Thank you for your help, Veetor. It's all going to be OK. J.J. Abrams will get what's coming to him.
(VEETOR relaxes visibly, and slumps to the ground)
MIRANDA: Time to go. Maybe we'll be able to get more out of him on the base.
JANE: I thought I was in…
(TALI bursts in, furious)
TALI: Shepherd, you can't do this. He needs medical attention, not an interrogation!
JACOB: We won't hurt him; we just need to see if he knows anything else.
MIRANDA: You people already betrayed us once. And look how that turned out.
TALI: Prazza is.. was .. an idiot. And he paid for it! You can take his omni tool data and this really weird video if you want it, but you'd better let me take him. (Threatening) If only to keep my childhood psychological trauma a mystery…
JOHN: Deal. Now take little twinkle toes here and get.
JANE: Tali, you could join us, you know.
TALI: I'm sorry, but I have a secret mission that I absolutely positively cannot divulge here. I might see you later on though.
(As TALI leaves, she waggles her fingers at JOHN)
JANE: Oh, that's not good.
JOHN: I wonder…
JACOB: Excellent, here's the shuttle.
INT: ILLUSIVE OBSERVATION ROOM: DAY
(The scanner thing whirrs again, and we see the SHEPHERDS once again in TIM's office. TIM is smoking another cigar and relaxing in his command chair)
TIM: Good work, Shepherds. The quarians forwarded us the remaining data from the survivor. Nothing more than we already had but surprising, given our history.
JANE: You mean the time you got petty and decided to cripple their fleet because you thought it might be bigger than Earth's?
TIM: Well, you and I have different methods, but I don't argue with results.
JANE: Would it kill you to play nice?
TIM: Diplomacy is nice, but it can be difficult when the rest of galaxy already perceives you as a threat.
JANE: And whose fault would that be? I mean, why on earth would they have any doubt about sweet good hearted Timmy boy?
TIM: Timmy? Who is Timmy? What are you talking about? (Shakes head) Never mind I don't want to know.
JANE: So what'd the data say?
TIM: It confirmed that the Collectors were indeed behind the attacks. And that Veetor is completely nuts.
JANE: That was a given. What aren't you telling me? You can't prove the Reapers are doing this, can you?
TIM: The patterns are there, buried in the data. It's the Reapers.
JANE: Right. And I'm supposed to just take your word for it?
TIM: Basically, yeah. Because why would I lie?
JOHN: (Bored&Agitated)So, the cockroach people took the colony? Does this mean I get to go kill them?
TIM: Well, yes and no. You'll need a team. Now I've composed a list of the best ….
JANE: We had a team. We could just bring them back.
JOHN: Yeah! I'd love to work with Wrex again!
TIM: They're not available.
JANE & JOHN: But why not?
TIM: Because Bioware doesn't want you killing them until the finale. Now stop arguing. Now my list has the best soldiers, scientists and mercs in the galaxy, and I'm sure you can convince them to join you. If not, this storyline would get really boring really fast. I'll continue to track the collectors, and I'll notify you if I find any more patterns in the data.
JANE: Fine. Truce on. But understand me, it's only until I deal with these bug people…
JOHN: And kick some major ass.
TIM: I highly recommend that you start by signing on the Doctor on Omega.
JANE: Doctor who?
TIM: Exactly. Incidentally, I took the liberty of hiring you a pilot. They say he's one of the best. And he can technobabble like nobody's business.
INT: ILLUSIVE MEETING ROOM: DAY
(The door behind the SHEPHERDS opens and in shuffles JOKER)
JOKER: Hi ya, Commander! Missed me?
JANE: It's good to see you, Joker! I'm so glad my last action before zombie-hood was to save your life.
JOKER: And boy was I grateful. Though watching you get spaced and now seeing you resurrected is going to seriously mess up my sleep cycle.
JANE: We got lucky, with a whole lot of strings attached.
JOHN: (Cluing in) Wait… You're that pilot guy. The one who told the Council it was Jane who did all the cool stuff that saved the Citadel. I hate you. I should break your thumbs.
JOKER: Great move on my part, by the way. Now this entire parody can be told from a totally different angle. I'm sure Jane's and my rapier wit combined will be enough to make the collectors beg to surrender.
JANE: How did you get involved with Cerberus?
JOKER: Have you seen the job market today? You try telling the interviewer that you're late because you broke your leg. Not to mention, the alliance sort of blacklisted me for that attempt at impressing the aliens before running away. The Council just doesn't want to face facts. That loop de loop was amazing.
JANE: When have they ever? But you really think you can trust Cerberus?
JOKER: I don't trust anyone who makes more money than I do. Tim included.
JANE: Aha, I knew it would catch on!
JOKER: Yeah, it's all over the station now. But I gotta say, he did save your lives, and he put me back in the air, and then there's this.
(JOKER points dramatically at a window. JOHN & JANE peer through it, seeing nothing)
JOHN: and then there's a window?
JANE: It's a nice sort of murk, if you like such things.
JOKER: Oh damn.
(JOKER flicks the light switch and the stereo switch at the same time and inspiring brass music plays as we see that the window is actually overlooking a massive docking bay where a full scale rebuilt version of the NORMANDY is waiting)
JOHN: (Awed whistle)
JANE: Wooow.
JOKER: They just told me last night. I've been working for the guy for who knows how long, and I never even suspected he might have hired me to fly my old ship again!
JOHN: Can we change the name? The "Badass" would be pretty cool.
JOKER & JANE: No.
(Inspiring music continues to play, and the NORMANDY 2.0 takes off into space. How the Shepherds and their crew got on board, no one knows. But the rest is history)