I could hear his soft snoring from the other bed, Remus and Peter were asleep to. It was just me awake, left to wallow in my own self made misery. Silently I got up and slipped out of the room, I was still dressed, even though my clothes were wrinkled.
I took a deep breath as I walked outside to own of the unused towers. I had to leave, I needed space, I needed to get away if only for just a minute. I went over to the loose brick and opened up to reveal a hole with cigarettes and fire whiskey.
I used my wand to light the cigarette it was a awful muggle habit I had picked to annoy my mum. I couldn't smoke in the room Remus would surely wake up and be angry. Besides I needed to get away from James, I was so in love with him, it wasn't even funny.
I got butterflies from being around him even after all this time. Merlin how I wanted nothing more than him, I wanted his lips pressed against mine, to know he loved me every bit as I loved him, of course he didn't and nothing but pain would come from me wanting him, but still.
He was with Evans now, it was worse now watching them. She had everything I would die to have and she had no idea. I didn't hate though, at one point I thought I did. How she would reject him over and over, when he was way too good for her, how she would take him for granted.
I took a gulp from the bottle feeling the burn of the drink settle in my chest.
They were always all over each other, her hanging off him and him smiling at her. That damn smile it me every time it was so different then when he smiled at me. It was Evan's smile full of love and caring, it hurt being around them. I'd try extra hard to laugh or goof off, anything to feel the cold sharp pain.
When she wasn't around you could almost mistake us for a couple, we were always hanging off one another and laughing. I could let myself pretend if I really wanted to, but I learned long ago not to do that. Because when Evans came and flittered her way over to us, it was being rejected. Watching his lips press against hers wishing they were his against mine.
I was starting to feel light headed, I should go back to the dorm now, I didn't though. I kept sitting there on the ledge of the tower puffing on the cigarette.
James would be in the dorm, so close and so far. There was nothing stopping me from going back there and snogging him except me. I couldn't ever do that though because as much as I wanted and needed more, I'd die without him. If he stopped being my friend, I'd be lost.
Just being friends felt unbearable at moments, but this was the way things were. I knew I had to go to bed, so I tossed my cigarette butt and I drunkenly stumbled my way back to the room. Knowing I wouldn't really go to sleep, but lie there instead wishing to wrap my arms around James.