Love Makes Fools of Us All
It seemed like it had always been like this. Him running around, trying to keep his head still firmly attached to his shoulders, all awhile the jumble of thoughts in his addled brain fought to slowly taint with his sanity. Or, well, ever since Merlin had come along.
Merlin. Completely ridiculous, compassionate, good hearted, Merlin. Whose expression of complete lunacy, this most contagious and wondrous of grins he had ever seen grace the face of anyone, had step by step wandered, however unwillingly at first, into his steel heart.
He could barely remember how life had been without the idiot. Boring perhaps, but he wasn't about to let him know that. He had fallen, so hard that he was constantly attempting to crawl his way out. It was no use. He was besotted with the fool.
There was only one problem: his love was doomed to never be reciprocated.
How pathetic he was. He was a prince for God's sake! He should be able to have whomever he pleased. But no, it simply didn't work that way. He was bloody well frightened of his own heart, he could never see Merlin feeling the same way in a million years. I mean, look at the way he treated him! So he bundled up his heart, and sealed it away in its steel cage where no one, not even big eared manservants, could damage it beyond repair.
But in the back of his mind, he knew it was fartoo late.
Arthur was sprawled in a chair at his desk, mindlessly going through papers. He screwed his eyes shut, leaned back, and opened them to stare at the ceiling in his chambers. He had just gotten back from a long and extremely dull meeting with his father. He had droned on and on about insignificant things for what felt like a decade and Arthur's brain felt like it was going to burst.
The silence in the room was deafening, and he couldn't take it anymore. He needed to clear his mind. He was going to go for a walk, maybe get away from Camelot for the evening. Somewhere where he could forget about his duties, his destiny to rule this kingdom; forget about everything that was sitting on his shoulders, constantly weighing him down.
He grabbed his jacket and slipped from the room. There was no one in the corridor so there was a chance he could slip from the castle unnoticed. He turned the corner and smacked directly into someone. Papers flew everywhere, and once the flutter of them settled, he recognized that familiar tuft of dark hair immediately.
"Merlin, watch where you're going, wont you?" Merlin gave a nervous chuckle and dropped down to pick up all the fallen papers quickly. Arthur sighed and knelt to help him. They picked up the last paper and stood up. Arthur made a move to hand the papers back, but Merlin shook his head. "I was coming to give these to you. Your father said he forgot to give them to you after the meeting. He says you should look them over tonight, and that they're very important."
His eyes locked with Merlin's for a brief second, trying to ignore the rough pounding against his ribcage as Merlin's slim, long fingers grazed his as he handed over the documents.
"Is that all you wished to tell me?" Arthur asked, his voice guarded and thick.
Merlin's eyes widened for a quick second before his face sprung back, almost too quickly, into that trademark squinty eyed grin. "Yes, sire."
With a gruff nod, Arthur strode the length of the corridor and out of sight as fast as he could muster. Once around the corner he slumped against the nearest wall. So much for getting away for even a second. Merlin's blue eyes were still engrained in his mind as he pulled himself back together and made the short journey back to his chambers.
He was in for a long night.
The next morning dawned, cloudy and grey. Arthur clambered from his too large bed to glance out the window; from the looks of it, Merlin was late with waking him up again. If he didn't do it so much, he'd almost call it endearing; watching Merlin stumble through the door, apologizing profusely at his tardiness. Arthur sighed; it was just another thing that came along with the quirky package that was Merlin.
He went over to his desk to briefly go over all the papers from last night. When he was satisfied they were error free and King worthy, he took it upon himself to get dressed. I mean really, he was fine without Merlin. Speaking of which, he was really late, later than normal.
After he was fully dressed, Arthur decided to go find the imbecile. Not that it mattered, but he really needed to inform him how very angry he was at his servant's insufficient ways. Not that he actually was angry. Honestly his day didn't feel right without its daily dose of Merlin.
Maybe he really wasn't fine without Merlin after-all.
Just as he was about to leave his room, the door sprung open and an exasperated Gwen appeared. Her curls sprung loose around her worried face and bounced gaily as she bounded to his side.
"Sire, it's Merlin. They found him in one of the abandoned rooms in the right-wing of the castle. He's out cold and they can't wake him up!" Her voice broke at the last word. "Sorry about not knocking." She added almost like an afterthought and managing to seem shy, even in her distressed state.
Arthur's stomach fell at her words, twisting and churning. The headache from last night came back like a raging bull, making his vision go hazy. He gripped her arm, "Take me too him." She nodded, leaving the room immediately, him following.
She took him directly to Gaius' chambers, not bothering to knock here either. They went straight to Merlin's room, and the sight that met his eyes made his stomach churn queasily again. Gaius stood by Merlin's bed, looking through a large book with a determined air. Merlin laid there, no sign of life despite the slight rise and fall of his chest as he breathed underneath the blankets strewn haphazardly over him. Gaius looked up as they entered, but immediately went back to his reading.
Arthur was at Merlin's side in a second. He looked down into that pale face and cursed its inability to say out of trouble for once. It was like trouble was a magnet, and Merlin attracted it like the magnetic field he irritatingly was.
He wiped the hair from Merlin's brow absentmindedly. "What's wrong with him Gaius? Gwen says he won't wake up." He glanced over at the old man, unable to keep his eyes away from Merlin's still form for long.
"That's just it, I have absolutely no idea." Gaius' voice was soaked with worry, and it made Arthur's heart plummet.
"But certainly you must know something? He can't sleep forever, can he?" He asked the last bit quietly, afraid of the answer.
Gaius looked at him sadly. "If only I knew the answer." For the first time in a long while, Arthur was sure nothing could have scared him more than those few words.
Gaius told Arthur that he should go resume his day like he would normally, and he would let him know if he had any ideas on what was wrong with Merlin after some further research. He told him not to worry since it seemed like Merlin was in a stable condition, despite the whole not being able to wake up predicament. Arthur had his doubts, but he wasn't about to argue with the old physician, so he humored him and left.
It was hard going through his daily duties with the constant thought of Merlin lying there cold and alone. Multiple times his father had to snap him back to attention, and once even yelled at him, asking what the hell was wrong with him. Arthur just apologized and told his father that he hadn't gotten much sleep that night, which was true after all. He just glared at him, scolding him, and continued talking. Arthur tried not to stray again, but it was difficult.
By midday, Arthur was left with nothing to do. He considered going to see if anything had progressed with Merlin, but he figured Gaius would have told him if anything significant had occurred.
Before he could argue himself out of it and go see Merlin after all, he decided to go on a hunt, by himself. He needed to clear his mind. All the events of the day were eating away at his soul and he needed escape. Merlin's cold, lifeless appearance kept popping up in his consciousness and it was driving him mad. He was mad with the fact that a simple manservant could affect him so, but more so with how terrified he was with the thought of losing him. It out shined the prince's guilt like the sun shining through on a cloudy day. But the grey skies that greeted him upon his departure met with his heart, overshadowing all feelings of hope.
He wasn't lucky; he kept stumbling over roots, making too much noise, his mind too preoccupied with other thoughts to concentrate. He smiled faintly at the thought of Merlin on all the hunting trips he had dragged him on together. He always did something wrong, often tripping over what seemed like absolutely nothing. The poor sod was useless with hunting, but the trips always felt empty and wrong without his presence. He was Arthur's comfort blanket.
His smile faded, his mind betraying him, going straight to the negative. Everything went back to Merlin. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't rid his thoughts of him.
Arthur sat down on a fallen tree, cradling his face in his rough hands. When he looked up he noticed a familiar boulder that stood portentously next to a giant of a tree, probably hundreds of years old. His heart beat quickened as he went to take a closer look. And sure enough, between the tree and rock there were the makings of a thin trail. The trail led to a small stream, encased in a cocoon of emerald fir trees, making the gurgling stream feel private and secret.
He felt tears well up in his pale blue eyes at the sight. He and Merlin had found this spot on a hunting trip one day a few years ago.
"Merlin, what areyou doing? I told you we could stop for a second so you could catch your breath, not go disappearing on a little scavenger hunt or whatever the hell you're doing." Merlin had just vanished between a very big rock and equally large tree.
"Come here, Arthur!" Merlin's voice drifted back to him with glee, completely ignoring the prince's complaints.
"Did you find a bunny?" He asked mockingly, but when he saw where Merlin was he fell silent.
"Isn't it marvelous?" Merlin asked quietly, picking up a small pebble and tossing it in the crystal clear water.
Arthur just nodded, leaning to sit on a rock by the water's edge. He supposed it wouldn't hurt to take a break for a little while, and Merlin seemed so proud at his find that he couldn't pull him away just yet. Merlin's lips curved into a wide grin when he saw Arthur sit down. He went about looking for flatter rocks to skip, and Arthur just watched him intently the entire time.
But once, Merlin stood just in front of him, his back to Arthur, he saw an opportunity. Scooping up some water in his palm, he flung it in Merlin's direction, completely soaking him from his exposed neck down. Merlin flung around immediately, a wild look in his eye.
"You did notjust splash me, you complete arse, Arthur Pendragon." And with that, he splashed Arthur full in the face. How he managed that much water, Arthur didn't know. All he knew was that he was completely drenched. This out broke a full on water fight between the two of them, both eventually falling directly into the stream laughing like young boys.
In that moment, Merlin was merely a friend and titles didn't matter. They had laughed so much that afternoon, completely neglecting to do any more hunting. They returned to Camelot soaked to the bone, but grinning madly. Uther had been angry at him for acting childishly, but it had been worth it. Merlin's laughter had sung out that day like a song.
Arthur always made sure to steer them near the direction of the stream, but only on his lone trips with Merlin. It was like a silent agreement between them, a place where they were free to be themselves, the burden of Camelot far in the distance and forgotten. They never made the mistake of coming back wet or without something to show they'd been hunting. It was Merlin and Arthur's secret place, only for them, and always there when they needed it. It made Arthur joyous whenever he thought of it. Him and Merlin. Secrets. If only Merlin knew… no. That would ruin everything, Arthur thought. No, this would be enough; enough to fill his half empty heart, at least a little. He could live with the laughter and that bright smile on Merlin's face, even if it did mean it would never be anything more.
Arthur wiped the tears away angrily and tore from the sacred spot. It was too much. The whole place glistened of Merlin and made his heart ache with longing. This trip had been a bad idea, he thought, so he made the slow drudge back to the kingdom.
He had wandered into unsafe waters and would need to piece himself back together all over again.
If he had ever been whole at all.
It was dusk when Arthur arrived back at the castle. He stopped outside of Gaius' chambers on his way to his room. He contemplated going in, but he decided that he couldn't take seeing Merlin like that again. It was too much. He was tired, and would probably break down at the limp sight of him, peaceful even when in danger.
That first night had been fretful. He awoke in a cold sweat halfway through, tormented by nightmares so harsh and real that they left him shaking. They were merely images in his mind, but the despair had sunk into his skin leaving him breathless. He clutched his pillow to his face, willing the picture of Merlin dead in his arms to go away.
For an entire week, it was the same thing. Waking up to his mind's torment, lying awake for the rest of the morning, too scared to fall prey to his consciousness again. In the morning he would go first thing to Gaius' chambers to see if he had found the source of Merlin's coma. He had found a small locket in the shape of a heart a little bit away from where Merlin's body had been found. The locket was red and sinister to Arthur's eyes.
Gaius said it was more likely an enchantment that was willing Merlin to sleep but not awaken. He said he was looking into what exactly the enchantment entailed, but it would need extensive research seeing as he'd never seen nor heard of that particular object before in his life.
On the 7th day of Merlin's enchantment, Arthur lay tossing and turning in his bed in the harsh black of night. A small stream of moonlight filtered through, shining its light directly on the neckerchief Arthur had folded neatly on his table. He had found it haphazardly lying on the floor of Merlin's room. It was blue, like Merlin's eyes; that color forever haunting him with each passing hour of Merlin's absence.
On the fourth day into the second week, Morgana stood by Arthur's side, off to the shadows but not completely out of sight. She held her hand tentatively on Arthur's shoulder, a sisterly comfort. Of all people, it seemed fitting Morgana would be the only one to notice a change in the prince. He had seen her observing him carefully just the week before, a day after the entire ordeal started. The day after, she had stopped him in the corridor, gripping his arm with her small hand. She looked into his face, and he could just tell she knew everything. She read him like a book, did Morgana. Their entire childhood it had always been Morgana that came to him after an argument with his father. He may have acted like it didn't matter to him, but Morgana knew differently. She knew how much his father's opinion of him mattered to him, and how upset he got when they quarreled.
She never asked, she just gripped his shoulder and gave him the company he needed without being intrusive.
It was in the third week when Arthur began to lose all hope he had ever managed to ever accumulate. He would lose Merlin, just as he had lost his mother those many years ago. But this was with and without the uncertainty that that contained. He would always wonder how his mother would have been, how much he would have loved her. He was never given that chance. He mourned her yes, but mourned from a distance. But Merlin, Merlin was different. He had memories. He had uncertainties. He would never confess the true confines of his heart. He would never know how Merlin had felt. He had always wondered why Merlin had been so loyal to him. Was it Merlin's heart or merely his inability to be a bad person however hard he tried, he'd never know.
He sat on the side of the bed, the neckerchief in a death-grip in his grasp. His head was bowed as he watched the shadows move across the floorboards, dancing. He was empty. He felt pure emptiness as he sat in his even more so empty room, with the echoes of lonesomeness on the walls.
He had put out the fire, and the embers glowed solemnly in the dark. With a sharp jab at his heart, he could almost feel that it represented Merlin's life slowly going out. The fire that was once this glowing sun of a person was now left to fall alone into dark.
It was extremely late, but all Arthur could process in his mind was this sudden desire to see Merlin, just this once. What if it was too late? He just couldn't fathom it. Once the idea was set in his mind, it had the power to take over any other possible thought. All he could think was a desperate fling of don't die don't die don't diehe cannot die.
He held the neckerchief to his heart and flung from the room. He forced himself to go quietly in the corridor until he reached his destination. He creaked open the door, careful not to make too much noise, and peered around it. Gaius was sound asleep in his bed, Merlin's door open to his left. He snuck through, appraising his ability to be a mouse even when his head pounded with a gibberish mess of words that drove him mad.
He closed Merlin's door behind him, and strode to the side of the bed. Merlin looked eerily peaceful despite his pale pallor. He held out a shaky hand and touched Merlin's face, soft like a caress. The tears he had been holding back for weeks now threatened to spill over. He spluttered, his other hand coming up to grasp at his mouth. The words welled up to the point where they were spun so fast, and so quietly, that he wasn't sure if it was for Merlin or for himself.
"Merlin, you need to wake up. I knowyou have it in you. I know.You've never let something as simple as sleep get in your way before. You had a duty, a duty to me.I can't, I just can't do this.I cannotdo this without you." His voice cracked, the tears spilling freely now. "I love you. Oh god, I really do. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you."He knelt beside the bed and touched his lips to Merlin's, the chastest of kisses.
He stood up and faced away from Merlin, a grimace of heartache plastered on his handsome face. Behind him, he heard the shudder of an intake of breath. He spun around to find Merlin looking back at him with wide eyes.
"Did you- What just- Arthur?" Merlin's voice rasped.
Arthur just stared at him, relief surging through his bones. He wanted to jump and shout and sing. Merlin was alive.But he realized, delayed, he just kissed Merlin. And it seemed like this fact wasn't entirely hidden from Merlin either.
"You're alive," Arthur stuttered out, a nervous smile spreading on his lips. "That's good, that's really good. I, uh, I'll go get Gaius. He should know." And with that, he escaped from the room. He woke Gaius and told him his news. Gaius looked at him like he was insane, but went to see Merlin all the same. Arthur just stood in the physician's room, not knowing what to do. Merlin knew he had kissed him. But he couldn't let his fear of heartbreak outshine Merlin's waking. He let a grin break free on his features, and left Gaius to his work. He'd deal with it in the morning.
That night he slept, the fear of Merlin's death no longer smothering him.
Arthur awoke to the sun covering his room like a blanket of happiness. Arthur's face broke out into a big grin, jumping from his bed. He wondered if Merlin would be back to work already or not. He paced his room anxiously, unsure of what to do. He was so very nervous at what would happen when they saw each other again. But the yearning Arthur felt to simply see Merlin back to his normal routine, Arthur's life back to the way it was meant to be, outshined it all. Except, there was that uncertainty again, that maybe Arthur's actions had altered their relationship for good. It was a frightening thought, and he was getting increasingly nervous.
He continued to pace until a light knocking came from the thick, wooden door. He stopped in his tracks and stared at the door like it was a monster that was going to swallow him up with one gulp.
"Come in," He said finally, pretending to be busy with moving his armor around the table in front of him. The door opened and shut and someone walked inside. He glanced up to see Merlin's thin figure standing just inside the door.
"Arthur," Merlin spoke, his voice full of unspoken words.
"You're back already," Arthur stated simply. "You shouldn't be back so soon Merlin, you were out cold for nearly a month."
"You see, that's the thing," Merlin chuckled, "All I've been doing is sleeping. I figured I might as well get a head start to getting my life back."
Arthur just nodded awkwardly, continuing to rearrange the armor.
Merlin faltered over to Arthur to take over with what he was doing. He held out his hand, about to take the piece of metal from his hand. Arthur immediately stopped him, his hand covering Merlin's. "No, Merlin, you don't have to." Arthur stuttered.
Merlin looked at him questioningly. "You've been gravely ill, honestly Merlin, just don't okay?" He stared deeply into those blue eyes that had stared unseeing in so many of his nightmares that month. He was filled with the sudden urge to fold Merlin into his embrace and never let go, never let him almost leave him again.
"Arthur?" Merlin's voice was a mere whisper. He stepped closer until Arthur could feel his breath warm on his face. He raised an arm and laid his palm feebly on Arthur's cheek. Arthur turned his face into the touch, closing his eyes. "Merlin," he shuddered, hurriedly capturing his mouth in a searing kiss, Merlin melting into him almost immediately, his arms crawling up to sit at the nape of Arthur's neck.
Merlin fisted his hands in Arthur's hair, the kiss growing frantic, years of pent up want overtaking all senses. With a groan, Arthur pushed Merlin up on to the table behind him, making his armor clang to the floor, settling between Merlin's legs. They each moaned at the sudden friction.
"Don't-you-ever-leave-me-again," Arthur said breathlessly between kisses, taking his mouth from Merlin's flushed pink lips only to lay kisses on every surface of the boy's face. "And that's an order."
"Yes, sire." Merlin said with one of the goofiest smiles that he had ever seen, making him want to kiss him even more. So he did; and again, and again, and again, and again until they were both panting.
Arthur placed his hands on Merlin's hips, picking him up and settling him down on the floor in front of him. He smiled into his eyes, taking both of his hands in his, leading them backwards with good intent, before finally standing by the bed. He toppled back, pulling Merlin down on top of him with a puff of laughter. Merlin's hands framed Arthur's head, holding him up; he looked down at the Prince fondly.
"You know, Arthur, I kind of love you a lot." His eyes positively glowed.
"Who doesn't?" He said smugly. Merlin kneed him in the side with a smirk.
Arthur's face settled into a serious line. "No, but really, I love you too," Merlin beamed. "Now kiss me, you great idiot, before your mouth falls off from smiling too much."
So Merlin does.