The Act of Not Being Desperate

Beck/Jade

Dear Diary (JOURNAL),

Hi my name is Beck.

Is that how you start out a diary? Honestly I guess I don't really know. I've never had one. But it's not a diary really, okay, it's a journal, which I made clear to the surprised (female) cashier when I bought it at Wally World. Journals are manly. And I am also manly. I have like, muscles. And stuff.

Anyway. So I have a friend and she's a girl and her name is Tori. I used to like her, maybe, but I think actually I just liked the idea of her, the idea of having a pretty girl that was into me and didn't want to simultaneously wring my neck and didn't leave claw marks on me whenever... never mind. But anyway once upon a time I tried to kiss her. I was dumb. I am dumb, diary; I am so, so stupid.

But, continuing on, Tori seems to be under the impression that I need a ladyfriend, as in a girlfriend, as in I-broke-up-with-my-girlfriend-4-months-ago-isn't-it-time-I-move-on. I don't want to move on, I don't think, but there's no way to convey that without sounding absolutely desperate. And Tori is under the delusion that this chick called Meredith is the perfect girl for me. Now Meredith is pretty, I suppose, in the normal, girl-next-door sort of way, and Jade (Jade Jade Jade my ex-girlfriend I hate the word ex I really do) used to think I was into her but I never really was. But it can't hurt anything to go on a date with her, I guess. She's nice enough, and she's a rather good baker. (Is that the word? I think so.)

But Tori, you know, is kinda dumb. I guess a nicer word to use would be naive. So she ended up trying to find Jade a guy so that Jade wouldn't be, like, upset by the idea of me going out with Meredith or anything. Now, I'm not desperate or jealous anything, as you can clearly see, but the idea of Jade going out with any other guy makes me sick to my stomach. Thankfully Jade is not that type of girl, and she ended up trying to murder Tori and Andre with toilet paper because of their little plot. Also she is not dating another guy. (Phew.) But then when she found out I was going with Meredith, sunshine and cupcakes Meredith, she seemed kinda upset, and it kinda kills me too when Jade's upset. Instead of trying to strangle both of us, though, she just hissed something like enjoy her cupcakes and stormed out. She sounded hot. (Not desperate not desperate not desperate.)

But the Full Moon Jam is tonight and I'm scared I'm really scared not because Jade will kill me (and Meredith) but because I don't like Meredith that way I don't think and this can't turn out good can it. (That's a run-on sentence, I think. At least that's what Jade always told me when she proof-read my papers, that I don't use enough commas and semi-colons and that I use too many parentheses. Basically she says that I'm clueless in the area of the English language, which is probably true, and kinda funny because Jade is a seriously amazing writer. She's like a prodigy.)

Well wish me luck.

Beck.

Hey Diary,

I don't like Meredith. This was to be expected, because she's just so nice and agreeable and so darn boring that I got tired of her. And I did something really stupid. I don't regret it, oddly enough, but I feel bad cause I hurt Meredith and at the same time I don't feel bad at all, and I feel bad for not feeling bad and I am such a bad person but I don't care. How sad is that?

Anyway I got back together with Jade. And I love her. I love her a lot.

You're probably really confused. It's just that - being with Meredith on our dumb little date made me realize something about myself. I don't like easy girls. I don't like Tori or Meredith or Alyssa or the other hot, totally available, totally into me girls. I don't like girls that make me feel good all the time and agree with everything I say and smile at me in the hallways and thank me incessantly for everything I do. I like girls that fight back and have opinions and yell and amuse me to no end and look cute when they're angry and scare everyone in the school, everyone except for me. It turns out, though, that only one person in the whole school fits those criteria, and that person, that girl, is named Jade West.

I sound really whipped, I'm sure. I guess I am. I just looked at her on the stage as she sang, in that beautiful voice of hers (it's absolutely killer I swear), and I smiled, slowly, and then as she stopped singing my legs moved automatically onto the stage and I was saying "I've missed you." I really have, though; she is a part of me, just like my hands and my feet, essential to my being, vital to my everyday life. (Waxing poetic here. Jade please never read this.)

"So whatcha gonna do about it?" was her response, a challenge as usual. This time, though, I took it.

And I kissed her.

Kissing Jade is pretty much an experience like no other. She didn't pull back, much to my relief; she kissed back vigorously, and I smiled as I saw the smile on her face once we pulled back, then she kissed me again. The only time we stopped kissing after that was when we tried to sing a song, and then I looked over at her again, curls tumbling softly down her back, wide smile on her lips, and how was I supposed to concentrate honestly. There was no way. So we ended up making out till Andre dragged us offstage. (I don't get why he doesn't like, appreciate us. I mean we're pretty hot. He could just watch.)

Then after that I asked Jade if she wanted to like, come over, and we could watch some movie, and she readily agreed. Plus I wanted to make things good between us again because I really care about her an awful lot. But I totally ditched Meredith and I feel so very bad and I hope she's all right. I know she won't kill me like Jade would but I still feel bad. At the same time, though, I'm absolutely euphoric to be back with Jade. (I love her, Diary, honestly. She's everything I want and more and it feels nice to be back with her. I never want to be broken up again, y'know?)

Feeling guilty,

Beck.

So Diary,

Meredith says she's okay. Of course I bet she'd say she was okay even if a tractor-trailer truck ran over her but you know, it's still nice to hear. She said she knew - in fact, everyone knew - that I was in love with Jade still and it was stupid of her to expect that I would actually WANT to go out with her. And I felt even badder (worse?) so I told her that she was really nice and pretty but I've always loved Jade and I just can't stop. She grinned and said it was all right, that I should make sure to treat Jade right though. (I hope so. I'm really gonna try.)

Robbie tells me that too, sometimes, that sometimes I'm just not good enough to Jade. I'm not sure how much he knows about women considering he can't get Cat to date him, but hearing it from Meredith just made it all the more crucial. So I bought her chocolates, and then I remembered she hated chocolates, so I ate them all. I swear I gained about five pounds just from that box.

The thing is that Jade hates most everything. What can I get that she actually likes, dear Diary? GOSH THIS IS A HARD DECISION I'M GONNA GO INSANE. Also it's not fair really I can't write normal sentences this is just how my thought process works. It all goes about a million miles per hour. I'm sorry you have to read this. But can books read?

It's funny how people think I'm normal. Really.

Sorry for the weirdness.

Beck.

Uh, Diary,

Girls like cats, right? Um... aren't black cats a sign of bad luck?

Now I'm nervous.

Beck.

Diary,

In case you couldn't tell from that last (incredibly vague) entry I bought Jade a cat. A black one, at that. It's a kitten actually; it's roughly the size of my palm and probably (aside from Jade) the cutest thing I've ever seen. It even reminds me of her with its wide jade eyes, and if I hadn't given it away I'd probably have named it Jade. Anyway.

At first, of course, Jade had to act like she was offended by saying stuff like "Beck, black cats are bad luck, are you saying you want me to have bad luck is this some sort of subliminal mindgame I hate you I really do." Maybe I'd have put punctuation there, like legit punctuation, but that's how she talks - no breaks or anything, in a sort of rush like she has to get the words out quickly. It makes me smile. It's cute. She's cute.

"It's just a cat. Relax Jade." I told her, placing the mewing kitten in her folded arms. At first she seemed kind of wary, but of course Eugene (as I'd nicknamed her/him) grew on her and she started scratching under his/her chin, causing the kitten to purr. Eugene is fluffy and adorable and as he looked up at Jade, big eyes wide, I knew that Jade was going to be fond of him.

"You like him," I teased her, a half-smile on my face. I had done a good job after all.

"No," she said defensively. "I mean, I guess she's not horrible. Oh by the way Beck, she's a girl, or couldn't you tell? She doesn't have a thing." She didn't say thing either, but you know.

"So I can't name her Eugene?" I said sadly. (This really was the worst part of the day. I'd been so looking forward to getting to name something Eugene. Life sucks.)

"No, idiot." She rolled her eyes. "I'd prefer something more morbid, such as Mara."

"What does Mara mean?" I wondered. I'm sure I've heard it somewhere before, but it doesn't sound morbid really. I thought she'd pick something like Graveyard or you know Spirit. But I guess Jade's not so predictable after all. (She hates predictability. Really she hates a lot of things.)

"Bitter," she said with a small (bitter) laugh. I rolled my eyes (gosh she's so weird) but I decided the name fit the kitten so I allowed her to choose that name. She scratched under Mara's tiny chin. She was so attached already. Sometimes (occasionally) I do something right. She looked up at me then, a half-smile on her face. "Thanks, I guess."

"Wow," I said in a teasing tone, "is Jade West actually saying thank you?"

Then she started protesting, because of course she hadn't and certainly not to me, the biggest idiot who ever lived, but I know she appreciated it really, and I know that she loves me (again). And now we have a child together. A child named Mara with Jade's eyes and my hair.

And so what if she's a cat.

Beck.

Diary,

At first I felt like Jade didn't trust me. And trust me (irony I think) she has every right not to, because I'm a jerk and all that. But I really love her, and I'm really trying, and gosh it's so hard but I want her to trust me again I want things to be like before. Why did I have to ruin it?

It's funny, you know, how once two people that love each other get together (or back together, in our situation), you'd think they'd have a happily ever after. But it's not so simple. It's hard and it's complicated and you have to try every day, you have to try so hard. But in retrospect I'm fairly sure I wouldn't have it any other way. Because easy's boring, and Jade's worth it, and now we've got a cat-child to support who stays at my RV (which is nice actually because it means Jade comes over a lot) and I like having an interesting life and two beautiful women in my life.

And I'm going to keep trying every day for the rest of my life. I swear this to you right now.

Beck.

Diary,

I love Jade. A lot.

Beck.

Beck - don't leave your diary lying around where any creeper can read it. You have a lot of run-on sentences, you know, and I'm fairly sure that over half of this so-called 'manly journal' is you waxing poetic about our 'family'.

But... love you too.

Weirdo.

Diary,

That was Jade. I left my diary out on purpose because I figured the easiest way to get her to start believing me would be to show her my actual inner thoughts and feelings, which, for the record, means that I do not have a secret crush on Tori or Meredith or anyone but her. Just her, always her. Maybe I'm pathetic. Probably I'm desperate. But I've come to terms with that fact, and I guess for now I'm okay with it.

That smudge at the bottom is Mara's footprint. Isn't it precious?

Anyway, Jade's coming over again soon, so I gotta go. But anyway... I'm really grateful right now. For Jade, for Mara, for Meredith forgiving me, for everything. That's it. Um.

Love,

Beck.

A/N: I was bored. I offer no explanation.

Please read and review. It means a lot. And I love you guys okay. Bye.