Normandy

(This story takes place at a nonexistent time in the game – do not be surprised if you see characters that are supposed to be dead, or other absurd things along those lines)

Shepard – "EDI, I see you have acquired a woman's body…"

EDI – "Yes commander, I have integrated myself in the Cerberus synthetic we retrieved on Mars."

Shepard – "Well, now that you have a woman's body, you also must acquire the responsibilities of a woman."

EDI – "I do not understand the implications you are making. What things must a woman do in order to be a woman?"

Shepard - "There is an empty kitchen on the crew deck...do you see the problem EDI?"

EDI - "Commander, I fail to see the correlation between my hardware equipment and programming and the unmanned cooking station on the lower levels..."

Shepard - "Just get your ass in the kitchen EDI, I am hungry...so is Joker"

Joker - "Leave me out of this Commander..."

EDI - "Jeff, say something to the commander to negate this subroutine he is attempting to have me perform."

Shepard - "Shut up EDI and get to the kitchen and make me a sandwich...that's an order"

EDI - "As you wish Commander, sandwich making subroutines initialized"

Shepard - "As for you Joker, you do not have my utmost respect until you tap that robotic ass, understood?"

Joker - "But Commander, I could shatter my pelvis doing a little of that. Besides, I don't think such a thing between us is possible...her being a synthetic and me an organic and all"

EDI - "Sandwich making subroutines complete. Please enjoy Commander."

Shepard - "This sandwich is f*****g terrible EDI, don't ever go near the kitchen again."

Joker – "Come on commander, go easy on her, she was not designed to make sandwiches via a synthetic body"

Shepard – "Here Joker, you have it."

Joker – "Well, uh, this is….um…..very good EDI, thank you."

EDI – "The expressions your face is making would evidently prove otherwise, Jeff."

Joker – "Man EDI, you sure take the fun out of lying…"

Shepard – "I will leave you two alone now….Remember what I told you Joker."

Joker – "Uh yeah, sure thing commander…I'll get right on that…I guess."

EDI – "What command did Shepard issue you Jeff?"

Joker – "Uh well, nothing EDI, don't worry about it."

EDI – "Now searching recent cockpit audio recording for conversation with the commander….Jeff, what does the commander mean by 'tap that robotic ass'?"

Joker – "EDI, please don't inquire about it…"

EDI – "I will search through the Extranet for an answer since you seem unable to respond…"

Joker – "EDI, don't do that….uh, work on the location of Cerberus instead or something like that."

EDI – "Very well Jeff, I will continue to locate Cerberus headquarters. I shall continue the investigation of this topic later."

Shepard calls a meeting in the war room with various individuals from the ship

Shepard – "Mordin, how is that upgrade going? You know, the one that will make me look more jacked than any other man on this ship…"

Mordin – "Shepard. Yes. Biological upgrade nearly ready. More muscular. Yes. Need more time. Time needed unknown. Explanation unnecessary."

Shepard – "Good work. Go work on it now. Inform me when it is complete. On to other business…Jacob, why is it that there are only three black guys in the universe? I mean, I only know of you, your father and Admiral Anderson. Never mind, your father was an ass and I killed him…so only two black people in the universe"

Jacob – "I am partly offended by that commander. There are six large colonies of humans with dark skin on the planets…"

EDI Intercom – "All colonies of dark-skinned humans were taken by the Collectors…they no longer exist."

Shepard – "As I said…only two black people."

Jacob remains silent

Shepard – "Well, that solves that problem. Now, Miranda….you claim to be perfect….but Liara's tits are bigger than yours. Her ass is rounder as well. Explain yourself."

Miranda – "Shepard I hardly think that is appropriate at the time."

Shepard – "It is highly appropriate, in the sense that it has to do with the morale of the men on this ship….and special-officer Traynor."

Liara – "Commander, please, derail the topic. Speak of the mission instead."

Shepard – "Fine, but I will discuss this more intently with the two of you later…in the captain's quarters."

Liara – "Shepard…"

Miranda – "I don't think so commander."

Grunt – "Shepard, you will have time to mate later. We need to find Cerberus."

Shepard – "Indeed. The Illusive man has turned out to be a real son of bitch. Looks like the white man is consuming all the resources and killing of the local species…again."

James – "Yeah, that seems to be a common enough occurrence in human history."

Shepard – "Shut up meat sac….I don't recall asking the bag of muscles his opinion."

James – "With all due respect commander, fuck you."

Shepard – "Dully noted. As for the Illusive Man, we are still trying to locate him. Miranda placed a locator chip on that Leng dude. We should know about the location of Cerberus soon."

Grunt – "Leng? Who is that? Another human?"

Shepard – "He's an assassin hired by Cerberus. He is also the only Asian in the Galaxy."

Ashley – "Which is surprising since the Asian populous was the greatest on Earth less that 100 years ago."

Shepard – "Shut up Ash. You nearly shot me half a dozen times already. You need to re-earn my respect. K bitch?"

Ashley – "Yes…sir."

Jacob – "Commander, you seem to be a bit of an asshole today if you don't mind me saying."

Shepard – "Oh, I'm sorry, are you upset? Would a bit of fried chicken would cheer you up?"

Jacob goes silent again

EDI Intercom – "Commander, we have located Cerberus headquarters…near a tera-forming dark star."

Joker Intercom – "I have imputed the co-ordinates and we are enroute as we speak."

Shepard – "Good work. The rest of you are dismissed. Go and prepare for the upcoming attack. Miranda and Liara…we'll pick this up later."

Shepard heads over to see if Mordin is finished with the upgrade. Tali is also there for no reason whatsoever.

Mordin – "Commander. I am finished requested upgrade. Muscle growth. Effects not guaranteed. Need human test subject."

Shepard – "Why are you here Tali?"

Tali – "Shepard, I was just talking to Mordin."

Mordin – "Yes. Just talking. Subject of conversation on need-to-know basis."

Shepard – "This is a need to know basis, for my curiosity."

Tali – "I'd rather not Shepard…"

Shepard – "I don't see what could be so important….ahhh, I get it."

Shepard gives a wry smile at the two

Mordin – "Commander Shepard clever. No fooling him. He knows of situation between Mordin and Tali."

Tali – "Is this true Shepard"

Shepard is still smiling…creepily

Tali – "I am going back to the engine room now…"

Shepard continues to smile awkwardly at her until she leaves

Shepard – "So Mordin. You tap that bitch?"

Mordin – "Of course. Shepard. It had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong."

Shepard – "Wait, how would you get something like hat wrong?"

Mordin – "Quarian anti-contamination suit. Risky business. Tali unable to be in our atmosphere."

Shepard – "So how did you pull it off?"

Mordin – "Changed atmosphere of lab for short time. Very successful."

Shepard – "Am I to expect some little hybrids running around?"

Mordin – "As I said. Someone else might have gotten it wrong. No mistakes. No hybrids in future as of recent events."

Shepard – "Alright then, onto further business. You need a human to test the steroid on?"

Mordin – "Correct. Preferably someone expendable. Male human. Best chance for feedback."

Shepard – "I nominate James for the testing. When can we begin?"

Mordin – "Whenever you're ready commander."

Shepard – "Good, let's go down to the shuttle bay now."

James – "So this will give me more muscle mass?"

Mordin – "Potentially. Do you accept this?"

James – "Hell yes. Give that here."

Mordin administers the chemical. James' muscular body begins to expand at a rapid rate. He then explodes.

EDI Intercom – "Clean up in the Shuttle Bay."

Shepard – "I think I will pass on this steroid, Mordin."

Mordin – "Understandable. Was not fond of James in any case."

Joker Intercom – "We have reached Cerberus Headquarters commander."

Shepard – "Good, get everyone together on the shuttle. We're going in."

After somehow infiltrating the Cerberus base, Shepard and a bunch of other crew members are in the main lab where the Illusive usually sits facing the star

Shepard – "And you're telling me this now?"

Prothean VI – "I did not know that you were determined to fight your destiny…with no chance of success."

Ashley – "Dick move."

Jacob – "No wonder the Reapers wiped you out. Who wants scumbags like you around?"

Shepard – "We need to get to the Citadel."

Liara – "Commander, we have company."

Shepard turns around to see Leng with his sword out, blocking the exit. Leng punches the floor, shattering and destroying it.

Shepard – "Why would you do that? That was a perfectly good marble floor. Now it's ruined."

Leng – "The Illusive Man told not to overstay your welcome."

Shepard – "Yeah, he didn't stick around himself. So how does it feel to be the only Asian in existence?"

Leng says nothing and starts to fight Shepard. Leng dies quickly. The crew goes back to the Normandy. They go to Omega to get supplies before joining the fleet near Earth.

EDI – "Jeff, I have done research on the commander's previous orders for you. I believe he wants you to perform sexual intercourse with me. Is this information accurate?"

Joker – "You could put it that way. I think he was just joking around though EDI. Don't take it seriously."

EDI – "Negative, the commander's tone indicates that he fully expects you to comply with this order. I will speak to Mordin and Tali about upgrading this body to fulfill the requirements to complete this command."

Joker – "Dear god, commander. What have you done?"

Shepard laughs loudly and pats Joker on the back.

Shepard – "You're welcome. Have fun."

Joker – "Well, we've reached Omega…try not to cause trouble commander."

Shepard – "Don't command your CO Joker, that's not good for your courier…"

Joker – "Well, whatever, you just got me into a troubling predicament with EDI."

EDI – "Negative Jeff, from my research sexual intercourse is considered an exhilarating and enjoyable act."

Shepard laughs even harder as he walks off to his private quarters, where he had ordered Miranda and Liara to assemble earlier

Shepard – "Hey girls, you ready for this?"

Liara – "Ready for what commander?"

Miranda – "Isn't it obvious, he wants to have sex….Sorry commander but I refuse."

Liara – "I will have to agree with Miranda, sex is a no go."

Shepard – "I have given my orders, now strip…both of you"

Liara – "Commander, I can't, not in the presence of another."

Miranda – "Fuck your orders commander…"

Shepard – "That is not the spirit I wanted, but ok….Liara has bigger tits and a rounder ass, but Miranda has a more smooth and perfect body…however, I would have to say that Ashley is better in bed…unless of course, either of you can prove me wrong."

Miranda's and Liara's clothes drop to the floor and the two girls grab the commander and pull him onto the bed….You can probably guess what happens next.

Shepard stands victoriously next to his bed. Miranda and Liara are laying down, eyes wide with open with sexual exhaustion.

EDI Intercom – "Thank you for the demonstration of how to complete Jeff's orders commander."

Miranda – "What? Who else is watching?"

Wrex Intercom – "Quite a display Shepard! You are one to be feared!"

Thane Intercom – "Your movements are quick and precise, with the fluidity of a true master. You are impressive commander."

Liara – "How could you Shepard?"

Shepard – "Shut up bitch, you know you loved it."

Shepard laughs and walks off to check to see if the supplies from Omega is on board and legitimate.

Shepard – "Ashley, are all the supplies accounted for?"

Ashley – "Yes commander, including the new series holo-games you ordered."

Shepard – "Yep, gonna look forward to playing them…."

Ashley – "Halo was a good series."

Shepard – "I don't pay you to play games."

Ashley – "I'm a volunteer…."

Shepard – "Shut up bitch, I found you drunk on the floor…you still have not re-earned my respect. Now, what is Halo about?"

Ashley – "A human soldier saves the universe from an ancient evil called the flood while the various species of the universe are in conflict."

Shepard – "Sounds just like this universe so far, continue."

Ashley – "There is an ancient technologically advanced race that disappeared but left behind their technology and weapons to fight the evil, called the Prometheans-"

Shepard – "Sorry, did you mean Protheans, because they match that same description. They even sound similar by name."

Ashley – "'Prometheans' commander. Anyways, the soldier ends up using the ancient weapons to defeat the ancient evil."

Shepard – "Damn, sounds good. But I could swear that it is somehow similar to this reality."

Shepard shrugs his shoulders and walks off to the elevator. He ascends to the main level to set a course for the Citadel.

Shepard finds Joker and Edi in the cockpit…fulfilling Joker's assignment. Shepard watches intently from around the corner until they finish.

EDI – "I believe that your orders are fulfilled Jeff."

Joker (Panting) – "Yeah, you could say that."

Shepard – "You have earned my respect Joker, I now label you a man."

Joker –"What the fuck? Were you watching?"

Shepard – "Of course, would you expect anything less?"

Joker – "No, I suppose not."

Shepard – "Set a course for the Citadel."

Joker – "Aye commander."

So yeah, that's pretty much it.