Title: Lift
Summary: Iruka made him so much better as a person but still they were drifting apart. Songfic.
Rating: T
A/N: This was a song fic I wanted to write for years. Lift is a beautiful from Poets of the Fall and I just adore the lyrics. Here's the deal, though. This story has two optional endings; happy and sad one. I post the story in two chapters and you can then choose which one to read. Personally I like them both. ;D
This one is has the happy ending.
- Nokkonen
Their relationship wasn't working.
Kakashi had known it for some time now. He watched the man from the corner of his eye, how his wide shoulders hunched ever so slightly as Iruka worked with the essays from Academy. Again. It was either that or he was at the Mission room. The jounin knew he himself wasn't any better, constantly on missions – when Kakashi had counted the days he had been in the village in these past two months, it was less than three weeks together.
They barely talked to each other these days, if you didn't count things like 'do you want seconds?' or 'can you do the laundry this time?'. It hadn't been that bad when they started dating but now it felt like there was an invisible wall between them every time they were in a same room. Iruka had always been the more chatty one but now it seemed like it was the jounin trying to come up with conversations that usually ended up with one of them shuffling restlessly before coming up with some little white lie to escape.
They were growing apart.
And Kakashi didn't know what to do.
Times when I just can't
Bring myself to say it loud
'Fraid that what I'll say comes out somehow awry
That is when it seems
We move in circles day to day
Twist the drama of the play to get us by
He wasn't the only one who had noticed the change. Gai had already asked several times why he and Iruka didn't show up together but separately at any social events. Kakashi had just shrugged it off, murmuring something about different time schedules and such before challenging Gai. The Green Beast always accepted them but Kakashi knew he did not fool Gai, not even for a second.
Kakashi knew he loved Iruka very much and he knew Iruka loved him. At least the chuunin had said so. Kakashi wasn't that sure anymore, it had been so long since he had heard Iruka say that to him but then again, the silver-haired man couldn't even remember the last time he had told Iruka the same.
"Iruka."
"Mmm?"
"I love you."
The scribbling pen stopped as the dark-haired man stilled. Iruka didn't turn around to smile at him, he didn't move at all as the silence stretched between them and Kakashi felt like he was suffocating, breathing suddenly so very hard and he hoped Iruka didn't hear the erratic beating of the jounin's heart.
Finally, Iruka turned a fraction, the edge of the horizontal scar showing as his lips moved. "Me too, Kakashi."
"I have a mission tomorrow. Ten days, least."
Iruka was already correcting the essays, nodding shortly. "Okay."
It was maddening; to see something you held so dear to fade away, even though they were right there.
And it feels like fear
Like I'll disappear
Gets so hard to steer
Yet I go on
Do we need debate
When it seems too late
Like I bleed but wait
Like nothing's wrong
You lift my spirit, take me higher, make me fly,
Touch the moon up in the sky, when you are mine
You lift me higher, take my spirit, make it fly,
Where all new wonders will appear
Kakashi could still remember very vividly their first month together. He had been thrilled and so nervous. He had had flings with other men but Iruka was – had been – different. With him Kakashi had – still did – wanted a real relationship, not some occasional fuck. For a long time they had danced around each other, not sure what was allowed and what was not before finding the perfect rhythm.
He had found out that Iruka had a secret love for peaches, and Kakashi had brought heaps of them to the surprised chuunin at lunch time the very next day. Iruka had smiled so wide it had almost split his face before kissing Kakashi silly right in the middle of the classroom. Iruka had continued to show his gratitude that same night, doing much more than that, leaving Kakashi stuttering and blushing.
Kakashi had been so happy those days, happier than he had been in years.
Take me high, make me fly in the blue sky
Take my fear, make it fly in this blue
The apartment was dark when Kakashi unlocked the door but Iruka wasn't asleep. In fact, the jounin didn't feel his lover's chakra anywhere near their shared home. Leaving his muddy sandals on the genkan, he slowly trudged in to the shower, careful not to drip any more of it on the floor. The vest and chainmail armor were laid on the floor, dirty clothes and bindings stuffed in to the hamper. Stepping in to the shower, the silver-haired man turned the water cold, gasping when it hit his bruised and scratched skin. Mechanically the jounin started to clean himself, checking the injuries one by one.
Kakashi didn't know what to feel at the fact that Iruka wasn't there. He was early, the mission should have taken at least three more days. Iruka was most likely out with his friends, not theirs. He had been going out more and more with Kotetsu and Izumo and that new chuunin, who had been promoted month ago, that Inuzuka mutt. That man had started to spend awfully lot of time with Iruka, like some bitch in heat.
He stared at the white tiles and the water running down with an unseeing eye. Kakashi realized felt nothing more but tendril of jealousness, not the strong possessiveness he had in the beginning – hell, he had all but stabbed Genma when the tokubetsu jounin had dared to play with Iruka's hair.
I didn't know it had come to this… Kakashi thought bitterly.
Maybe Iruka would be better with someone else, even if the mere thought made the jounin's chest hurt. He could imagine it, all too clear, how Iruka would come to him, his handsome face very solemn and his expressive eyes would hold nothing more than firm decision. He would tell Kakashi that this was over, that he was going to leave Kakashi. Iruka was a person that wouldn't mince with his words, a trait that the silver-haired man had always liked and hated, because as talkative the chuunin was, he could also be as quiet as Kakashi.
Like the other day
I thought you won't be coming back
I came to realize my lackluster dreams
And among the schemes
And all the tricks we try to play
Only dreams will hold their sway and defy
Three hours later, well past midnight, Kakashi felt a whisper of chakra that disabled the traps. He was lying on the bed, face against the wall but had not fallen asleep. Listening to the sounds Iruka made in the apartment, the silver-haired man found them calming despite the turbulent emotions inside of him; clothes being scattered around, the creak of the fridge door and steps towards the bedroom. There Iruka stopped, standing at the open door and stared at Kakashi's back as if he was surprised to even find the man in the bed.
Kakashi tried to lie still, not sure what he should do. Several kinds of dark visions had haunted him for the past four hours, all of them spiraling in to the inevitable end, where Iruka would leave and there was nothing the jounin could do to stop him.
And now Iruka was here, still staring at him, not moving, not even coming close to check if Kakashi was asleep. Do something, a small voice whispered to Kakashi inside his head. Do something!
"Kakashi?"
The hesitant call nearly made the jounin jump out of his skin but years of training forbade his body to do nothing more than flinch. "Yeah?" Kakashi answered, disgusted how his voice trembled ever so slightly.
There were was the sound of bare feet touching the floor and the mattress tipped as Iruka lay down. The chuunin twisted and turned to find a good position, until he settled down, back against Kakashi's back.
"Good night."
Fisting the covers in to a death grip, Kakashi forced himself to calm down.
"Good night."
When it feels like fear
Like I'll disappear
Gets so hard to steer
Yet I go on
Do we need debate
When it seems too late
Like I bleed but wait
Like nothing's wrong
You lift my spirit, take me higher, make me fly,
Touch the moon up in the sky, when you are mine
You lift me higher, take my spirit, make it fly,
Where all new wonders will appear
"Iruka."
The soft breathing was close but they had shared the same bed for almost a year.
"Iruka," Kakashi called, more insistent this time.
There was no noticeable change in the breathing pattern but the silver-haired man knew Iruka was as awake as him.
"This isn't working," Kakashi found himself suddenly talking, not caring if Iruka decided to pretend to sleep, "we aren't working. I know it, you know it. I know it sounds selfish but I love you, Iruka, and I don't want us to end. I just don't know what to do. What should I do to make everything like it was before – no, not like before, because it wasn't right even back then. If we could only start again, I'd change things for us.
"I'd stay more at home – Tsunade-sama can take those missions herself – and then I'd take you to those hot springs we always talked about and I would never let you forget just how important you are, how much it means to me that you love me. I've never told you, have I, Iruka? They say I'm a perfect shinobi, the famous Copy Nin of One Thousand Jutsu, but when I'm with you, I'm something else. With you I'm just Kakashi."
You lift my spirit, take me higher, make me fly,
Touch the moon up in the sky, when you are mine
You lift me higher, take my spirit, make it fly,
Where all new wonders will appear
Kakashi gulped for air when the words stopped coming for a moment, his head spinning and heart trying to pound itself out of his chest. He felt lighter, like some burden had been lifted from his shoulders, but he also felt immensely nervous. Gathering up all that was left from his sudden moment of rashness, the jounin turned around, to face Iruka's back.
"But I can't do it alone, I won't do it alone," Kakashi pressed, staring at the slope of chuunin's neck and the long strands of hair he loved to run his fingers through, now tumbling all over the white pillow case," even though I love you so much it makes me hurt so much to even think about it, if you don't want to continue this relationship, I won't force you stay. You can go, Iruka. If that's what you want, you can leave and I won't hold it back against you, but I refuse to be the only one to try mending this. I'm not strong enough for that."
There, he had said it. Kakashi barely registered the crooked grin that had crept on his face during his confession, nor was he aware of the agitated glaze in his dark eye. All he knew that he had finally said it and now it was all up to Iruka.
But as the seconds started to crawl into minutes, the chuunin stayed still and with it Kakashi's heart sank, shattered, everything at once and it hurt.
"I see," the jounin murmured, smiling bitterly, "I guess it was too late. I'll, I'll start gathering my things tomorrow morning, okay?" Kakashi swallowed and tried not to think about the burning behind his scarred eye or the echoing feeling in his healthy one.
"No."
Kakashi froze.
Slowly, afraid that he indeed had misheard, the jounin opened his eye and, for the first time in several weeks, it really met Irukas brown ones. There were myriad of emotions dwelling in those familiar orbs; sadness, desperation and fear but also determination.
"Iruka?" he croaked, not caring how disbelieved it sounded.
"I'm sorry, Kakashi, I'm so sorry you've felt like that, too," Iruka whispered roughly and reached to touch the tears falling from the mismatched eyes, "I don't want to lose this either but don't know how we can make things right again. It will be difficult, no matter what."
Hope, pure and fragile hope fluttered inside the jounin's aching ribcage, spreading all over his body and making it feel lighter than in months.
"We'll come up with something," Kakashi promised hoarsely, taking a gentle hold of the hand tracing the wet lines, bringing it to his lips to kiss those tan knuckles, "together we will make through this."
A small smile graced the chuunin's face. "Yeah."
"I love you, Iruka."
"And I love you too, Kakashi."
Take me high, make me fly in the blue sky
Take my fear, make it fly in this blue