One of The Best Fics Ever Written About Penicillin

by Margo McKnew

SALE: 50% OFF! You don't need to be a fan of Penicillin to read this (though you've probably needed Penicillin in your lifetime, but whatever). This story is utter irreverent silliness. Side effects may include knowing something about how Penicillin works and buyer's remorse.

Penicillin: "Penicillin is a group of antibiotics which include penicillin G, penicillin V, procaine penicillin, and benzathine penicillin. They are derived from Penicillium fungi." - Wikipedia

At first it was like the bacteria could just set up wherever in a human. Then Penicillin comes along and -BAM - the bacteria can't build their cell walls EVER AGAIN. "Why'd you do that, man," whines the bacteria. "We were TRYING to live here, and then you just go all... Like that. Dude. That sucks. LET US BUILD CELL WALLS. D:"

Penicillin: "LOL NO."

Bacteria: "Cell walls! WE. WANT. TO. KILL. HUMANZ."

Penicillin: "SORRY FEWLS."

Bacteria: "YOU JERK! LET US BUILD, MAN, WE'RE DYING OVER HERE."

Bacteria: *Tries to build some cell walls*

Penicillin: *Pokes cell walls*

*Walls crumble*

Penicillin: "TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL" :]

Bacteria: "NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" D,:

Human: "Is it working, Doc? Will I be okay?"

Doctor: "Uh, yeah, you should be fine."

Human: "SUFFER AND BUUURRRRN, TINEH FEEBLE BACTERIA! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

Nurse to Doctor: "Sir, does this count as a side effect?"

Human: "I CAN SMELL THEIR FEAR. I CAN HEAR THE THUNDEROUS CRASH OF CELL WALLS TOPPLING."

Doctor to Nurse, whispering: "Maybe. Better administer a sedative for now, just in case."

Human: "THEY PERISH BY THE BILLIONS. IT FEELS SO GOOD."

Nurse to Doctor: "Sure about that? Counseling might work, too."

Doctor to Nurse: "'Scuse me? Crazy person. In here. With us. Small room. I'm prepping the sedative."

Human: "I FEEEEEEEEEEEELLLL SO AHLIVE!"

Nurse: *Leads Doctor out of the room, locks the patient inside*

Human: "Guys? What's up? Everything okay? Er, don't mind me! Just glad to be alive!"

Penicillin: "Yeah, bro. Anytime."

Human: "OHMYGOSH. Who said that?!"

Penicillin: "Well, only the awesomest wonder-drug ever to grace your guts."

Human: "You don't mean..."

Penicillin: "OH, YEAH! THE ONE, THE OWNLY, PE-"

Human: "NO"

Penecillin: "-NI-"

Human: "NO! NO! NO!"

Penicillin: "-CILLIN! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Human: *Pounds on door* "HELP! LET ME OUT OF HERE!"

Penicillin: "Really? I do you a HUGE favor and THIS is how you react? I was hoping we could get milkshakes..."

Human: "GET-"

Penicillin: "With cheeseburgers..."

Human: "-IT-"

Penicillin: "Gimme a break, man."

Human: "-OUT! Get this stuff outta me!"

Penicillin: "Killed all these nasty bacties..."