To Austinjpjp
P.S.: I'm sorry for anyone who decides to read this.
It was a normal day in the city of BoardGameville. Well, as normal as it gets, anyway. Chef Porkardee was just closing up his Diner for the day. He was the proud owner and chef of the Goliath Diner. He enjoyed chatting with all the other people of the town while serving them their favorite food. Spaghetti, Candy Cane logs, Apples to Apple pie, and of course, his restaurant's crowning achievement, Hamburgers. Sure, it may sound pretty normal compared to everything else on the menu, but this particular burger was the BEST in all the town. Melty cheese, toasty buns, crispy lettuce, fresh tomatoes, and best of all, that juicy, meaty, thicc beef patty. Everyone had to order it at least once in their life to die happily knowing that they enjoyed something so amazing. He won so many awards because of this prodigious sandwich. As a matter of fact, the whole restaurant was decorated in medals, plaques, and trophies dedicating the culinary masterpiece. Yes sir, he was certainly proud of his creation. He was just about to close up shop when he heard a knock at the door. The person at the door was a small, dark shadow through the shaded door.
"I'm sorry sir," the pig said, "but we're closed."
"Oh, well that's just too bad," the mysterious figure said.
The voice sounded a little bit familiar to the chef. It had an ole timey rich capitalist vibe to it.
"I and my pals really wanted to pay an old friend of mine a visit."
His face went into utter shock as soon as he realized who it was. At that moment, the door burst open. In the archway were two big, husky goons and a guy simply known to everyone in town as, Uncle Pennybags.
"Well, well, if it isn't Porky the Pig," said the dapper gangster.
"What do you want," said the pig.
"I'm just here for your payments that you have failed to give to us."
"Payments," he looked confused, "what do you mean, payments?"
"You know EXACTLY what I mean by payments. You see, I own every building in this city, Porky. Every inch of Park Avenue, every settlement of Catan, every bank on the block. I own it all! Especially your puny, little diner. And, of course, I'm the one that people have to pay to keep their places open. Do you want to know what happens when someone doesn't pay me according to schedule."
Porkardee wanted to say no, but at this point, he was too scared to disagree with him.
"Well, let's just say, I make sure that they lose The Game of Life a bit earlier than expected."
"Umm, I apologize, but...I don't really have the money right now."
Pennybags was pissed.
"I'm sorry, kiddo, but you've used your Get Out of Jail Free Card for the last time!"
The Millionaire thought hard for a moment of what he should do to the hog. One of his henchmen actually thought about raping him for a second, but he was worried his boss wouldn't look at him the same if he suggested it. Plus, all of his co-workers would make fun of him. Then, he had an idea. An awful idea. Uncle Pennybags had a wonderful, awful idea.
"Say, being the richest guy in town can sure make a fella hungry! Do you have any of those world famous burgers I keep hearing about?"
"Yeah," said the pig a bit nervously, "I keep them in that vault over there to keep them nice and fresh."
Penny smiled with a fiendish grin as he headed towards the vault. The vault was a big, black door with one of those wheel knobs in front of it. He gave the knob a crank and opened the door. It was like stepping into a portal to a burger fantasy world. There were miles upon miles of burgers from here to Timbuktu.
"You know what," the man said, "I'm really not that hungry. But I bet you are."
"Wha-" the chef started to ask, but before he could finish, the rich man stuffed a burger into his face. He pushed the burger so far down his mouth, that it went straight down his throat. The pig could feel the big burger in his stomach, pushing against the walls that were surrounding it. It gave him a little potbelly that sort of bulged out in front of him.
"Boys," said Pennybags, "it looks like it's time for a lil' game I like to call...Pop the Pig."
ROLL CREDITS*
They tied him up and began the feeding. The pig pleaded, but the Monopoly guy just stood back and laughed threateningly while his henchmen stuffed the poor, helpless swine to the brim with burger after burger, popping each and every black button on his uniform. He could feel his stomach getting tighter and tighter as it became bigger and rounder. His belt buckle broke off from the pressure that the massive belly had put on to it. But after a while of pigging out, *sigh, the pig started to think it felt, kinda...good! He felt extremely horny with each and every warm, juicy burger they pushed down his throat and splash down in his belly. He even had an erection, which, thankfully, could not be seen under his huge gut. What made it even more arousing was that the more his belly grew out, the more it would softly rub against his fully erect penis, giving him more and more of an urge to jizz. But then he thought, Oh crap, wait a second, I'm about to die."
He was immediately turned off.
The pig's clothes were gone. They were ripped off from the massive size of his body. His butt was thicker than a snicker and his arms and legs were basically gigantic logs of fat. And you may be thinking to yourself, Hey! That's not how anatomy works." Well to that I say...
I don't know, just go with it.
His humongous body reached up to the ceiling. One more burger and he would pop! But before they could put another one in, the goons stopped for a moment, one of them feeling more horny about the pig than before, while the terrified swine spoke to the crime lord.
"Please, Milburn Pennybags, I can make up the money, I swear it! I can save a little bit each week in order to pay you back! Any amount I make per day, I'll give you 50%, heck, even 80%! Just please, PLEASE don't kill me!"
The mustached man climbed up the hunormous mountain of fat, looked at him, and smiled.
"Y'know, your very persuasive kiddo. But, my rules are my rules. And you've gotten yourself in Trouble."
He took out a burger and shoved it down his throat.
"Sorry!"
BOOM! The pig exploded. One of the henchmen creamed their jeans. The swine's body went everywhere. Every room, every crevice, and every corner of the restaurant was painted red in blood. Pennybags grinned seeing as how he had finally gotten rid of that little runt. He looked behind him and saw that the entire wall was covered in blood except for an area that was the shape of him and his henchmen.
"Hey, cover those spoches up on the wall, will ya, we don't want to Risk having the cops track us down."
They covered up the marks and left the establishment completely filled with burgers and blood and guts.
"Oh my," said detective Wadsworth when looking at the crime scene. He was with his partner Mr. Green when he went to go and check out what had happened at the Goliath Diner.
"What the heck happened here," asked Mr. Green.
"Well, a regular customer at this restaurant named Gooey Louie walked in at about 8 a.m., eastern standard time, and saw the whole place covered in a bright red substance. According to him, he licked it in order to confirm that it was blood."
"Oh, dear Hasbro," Mr. Green vomited a little bit, "have you found out who did it yet?"
"No, sadly, we haven't found any clues other than the victim being the owner of the diner."
"Well," Mr. Green stared out in the distance, "I'm afraid that we'll never be able to Guess Who."
Wadsworth slapped Mr. Green saying that now is not the time for bad quips.
They both left the scene of the crime without any kind of clues or evidence. Even though they were able to solve countless mysteries in past, including their most famous case: The Murder of Mr. Body, they couldn't figure out who had murdered Chef Porkardee. Meanwhile, at Pennybags HQ, Uncle Milburn Pennybags sat at his work desk, reading the front page of the news.
BURGERS BEFORE SWINE:
Local Restaurant Owner Murdered
written by Maria Who
At about 8 a.m. today, Chef Wilbur Porkardee, owner and chef of fan favorite restaurant, the Goliath Diner, was tragically found dead from an intense crime of passion. Coroners had appeared later at the scene to confirm that the beloved pig exploded from eating a large number of his burgers without even chewing. BGVPD's Detective Wadsworth later showed up but found no clues or evidence that could help. He stated, "The entire establishment was covered in the poor swine's blood, which made it harder to dust for prints. All that we can say, for now, is that the culprit is out there somewhere, but we will find him." Nothing else was found at the crime scene, other than the vomit of Wadsworth's partner, Mr. Green, who had shown up at the scene with him. In the meantime, fans of the restaurant have made a memorial for the honored cook in front of the restaurant. It's made entirely out of pictures with signatures on them, along with Goliath memorabilia and flowers. It's sad to say this, but, we are all definitely going to miss you, Porky. Please, fix us a marvelous feast for when we meet you again one day.
Milburn giggled, then called his receptionist.
"Miss Scarlet, do I have any more appointments on my schedule today?"
"You have one; Jake the Jailbird needs you to bail him out of prison."
"Hmm...Yeah, I'll guess I'll give the poor guy a visit. Thank you, Miss Scarlet, that'll be all. Oh, and I'll see you at exactly 3 p.m. for that, thing."
Scarlet moaned into the phone.
"Mmm, ok then." He hung up, looked out the window and smiled.
"Business certainly is good today."
He grabbed the keys to his vintage race car, put on his top hat, and left the room.