Disclaimer: We do not own Metal Gear Solid 1 & 2 or the characters because if we did we wouldn't be using the characters to make this... thing. -o- We don't own ClawShrimp either. ;_; We also don't own Steve Maddens, Jack Prucells, or Vans. Or Barbie and friends. ...that's it. :D

Author's notes: HoOrAy!! :D Our first joint effort, our being me and her. Nicci and Shelley. : Keep in mind, this was written at 3:00 am while trying to suppress our giggles and not wake up Shelley's dad. -_-;; Don't hate us because we're creative. :X Oh, and we're not making fun of gay people--promise--just making fun of Jack. :D ...gay pride? oO;; Ah, and remember, the little ol' saying that a guy's wang is half the size of his foot/shoe size. :D

Enjoy! ...or not. -_- By the way, it's in script format so you can read it with your friends! If you're insane you can read it by yourself and do voices!! :D If you do that, you can be our special friend...

Oh, the things you'll find in a dump.

Viva La Jackie

Our heroes are in the garbage dump looking for Jack's tennis shoes, which were thrown out by Snake... "accidentally".

Otacon: I can't find them! Any luck with your pile, Snake?

Snake: No, and I hope there won't be.

Jack: You wouldn't be wading through garbage if you didn't throw them out.

Snake: I wouldn't have thrown them out if they weren't women's shoes!

Jack: But they had the same name as me!

Otacon: They shared the same "soul", Snake! Have a heart.

Snake: I need a cigarette...

Jack: (nagging) Those things'll be the end of you.

Otacon: See, I told you. (Pulls a rotting lung out of his pile) Do you wanna end up like this?

Jack: (Gasp!!)

Snake: ...I'll only be a lung?

Otacon: Actually at the rate you're smoking at--

Jack: (Uncovers Liquid's body and thinks it's Solid's--him being the idiot he is) Oh, sweet Jesus!! I found Snake's body! What did you with Snake, Liquid! You monster!

Snake: What the hell are you babbling about now?

Otacon: Actually, you found Liquid. Good job, Jack!

Jack: Can we use it as a pinata? I like pinata...

Otacon: Actually, it's pinatas.

Snake: (Desperate to change the conversation. He doesn't like pinatas... bad childhood experience) So how's life, Otacon?

Otacon: Actually--

Jack: Well I haven't been with anyone lately, so I've been having to rely on myself for--

Snake: My finger!! Something bit me!! It's way down deep in the pile... holy shit, it's as big as a man!!

Jack: (gasp!!) Mom!?

Otacon: Actually, I'd say that's a ClawShrimp.

(Jack does a handless cartwheel at ClawShrimp, only succeeding in getting his leg bitten off)

ClawShrimp: (Chomp!) Mmm, Jack. Tastes like chicken. (Skitters back into Snake's pile)

Jack: My arm!! Oh my god!!

Otacon: Actually, Jack, he took off your leg, not your arm.

Snake: Heeheehee... Tee-hee... Hee-tee.

Jack: Oh... Hey, what's with all the actuallies?

Snake: Actually, it's a cult. Join us!!

Otacon: (Lifts a pair of shoes from his pile) Hey, I found them!

Jack: Nonono, those are Steve Maddens. Do I look like a Steve to you?

Otacon: Then you must be Steve. (Points to Snake)

Snake: No, I'm Dave.

Otacon: Then I must be Steve!

Snake: No, you're Hal.

Otacon: Then he must be Steve! (Points to Liquid)

Snake: ...okay. I'll accept that.

Liquid: Oh, puh-leese. I'm too beautiful for Steve. The name's... Tadius. (Leaves)

Jack: Can we please keep looking now?

Snake: No.

(They all continue to sift through their piles when the peace is shattered when Solidus is uncovered in Snake's pile)

Snake: Solidus!? I'll kill you, there can only be one Snake! ...and that's me. Not... Tadius. (He pulls a Socom from his pile. Don't you want one of those piles for yourself?)

Jack: Noooo! Don't kill my daddy!! (He cries dramatically. ... whiney old Jack...)

Solidus: Jackie, my boy!! Come and give your old man a hug!

Jack: Let's take advantage of this freak situation and do something normal do!

(The two join hands and roll down a garbage hill together. Aww... At the bottom of the hill:)

Jack: Hey... if my dad is Snake's brother, that makes Snake my uncle!! Uncie Snake!! (Lunges in for a hug)

Snake: Oh god, he's found the family link!

Solidus: I don't like how this... Snake has become your main fatherly figure.

Snake: Nonononono! It's not like that at all! Even if he thinks it is.

Solidus: I want to have a larger more active role in your life, Jackie. (Wink wink)

Jack: I've never been with an older man bef--

Otacon: Aren't you dead, Solidus?

Solidus: Oh, yeah. Forgot about that. (Dies)

Snake: That's nasty. He's your dad.

Jack: And you're my uncle... (Wink)

Otacon: ...eww...

Jack: Hey! You had sex with your mom.

Otacon: At least she was female.

Jack: A female!? That's disgusting, Otacon...

Snake: (Edges away. Not so slowly. He picks up a pair of shoes from his pile) Are these your shoes?

Jack: Noo, those are Vans. Do I look like a Van to you?

Snake: (Holds up a piece of fruit) Are these your shoes?

Jack: No, do I look like a fruit to y-- Hey... that's mean. Like that time you set me on fire. That was also mean...

Snake: No, that was funny!

Jack: Hey, I found them!! ...on somebody else!? (He points to a pair of feet sticking out of his pile)

Snake: GrayFox!?

GrayFox: ...where am I? ...what are these... things doing on my feet? (Disgusted. He flings them off and tunnels back into the pile)

Jack: These are too big...

Snake: What size do you wear?

Jack: ...five... in women's...

Snake: You're not a man.

Jack: That's why I stuff my shoes...

Otacon: Hey, Jack, isn't that your girlfriend over there? (Sure enough, there's Rose... grumblegrumble)

Rose: What's up, Jack?

Jack: What're you doing here?

Rose: After I walked in on you and the mailman I went into a deep depression was going to kill myself in this dump when I met the greatest man... I think I may have found my soul mate! Have you met ClawShrimp, Jack?

Jack: ...yes. Up close and personal.

Rose: Jack... You didn't!!

Snake: But he wanted to.

Jack: You read my mind, you mind reader, you. Hey, what's up with everyone going to the opposite gender now a days?

Rose: I should tell you something... you're not the father of the baby... it was ClawSh--

Jack: I was wondering when the stork was gonna get here...

Snake: You're joking, are you?

Jack: What's there to joke about?

Otacon: (Sighs and pulls out a Barbie and Ken doll from his pile) Jack... let me tell you where babies come from...

Snake: I'll go back to digging now! (He sees a flaming red bush that could be called hair sticking out of his pile) Hey, what's that flaming red bush that could be called hair? ...Meryl! ...are you dead or alive?

Meryl: ...I don't know. Damn you, Hideo!

Jack: Such blasphemous words!

Otacon: Hey! Pay attention!

Snake: You can be alive. So don't pull a Solidus. Or a GrayFox. Or a ClawShrimp. Or a Rose. Or a Liquid.

Meryl: You mean Tadius?

Snake: ...whatever.

Otacon: And that... is where babies come from.

Jack: ...that's crazy talk! I don't believe you!

Snake: Need proof?

Meryl: In the dump?

Snake: Why not?

Otacon: Do you know how unsanitary that is!?

Snake: Do I care how unsanitary that is!?

Jack: Uncie Snake, that's yucky.

Meryl: Uncie...? Tadius had kids?

Snake: No, Solidus did.

Jack: Papa Solidus!! (Again he cries dramatically) He's dead now... He wanted to be more than a Papa...

Meryl: ...eww...

Jack: Not you, too!!

Otacon: Did you just forget everything I told you?

Jack: I'll never forget that... (shudders)

Snake: Okay, are these your shoes? (He holds up a pair of Jack Prucells)

Jack: My Jack Prucells!!

Otacon: Now we can ride off into the sunset!

Jack: On a ski-do?

Snake: Not with you.

(The other six dump live-ins swarm in)

GrayFox: Take us with you!

ClawShrimp: We're just poor misunderstood souls...

Rose: We're captives here.

Liquid: Tadius just hates the smell and the random yucky things that get stuck in Tadius' hair. Tadius also hates how the garbage talks to him! It cries 'help me, Tadius, help me!'

Snake: Okay then... Everyone, let's go! Even you, Jack. (sigh)

Jack: Hooray! You're not leaving me again!

(The group makes their way to the exit when who should show up to stop them, but none other than...)

Ocelot: You're not going anywhere.

Jack: (gasp!!)

Ocelot: That's right! You're my prisoners now!

Otacon: I guess our first clue should've been that the name of the dump is 'Shalashaka's Hellhole'.

Ocelot: There's only one way I'll let you go... alive, that is!

Snake: Name it!

Ocelot: A game of poker.

Jack: (gasp!!)

Snake: No, not poker! I have the world's worst poker face! You can play against Jack, all he does is grin suggestively at you.

Jack: (Grins suggestively)

Ocelot: NO! I have a better idea. I have hidden the Colonel somewhere in the dump just in case the situation arose.

Jack: I would've taken the precautions.

Ocelot: You must find him before he dies of the odor.

Meryl: How did you get my uncle to come here?

Ocelot: I make a mean chicken pot pie. ...and he knows it.

To be continued...

So, how was that? Exciting enough for you? :D Now, for the endings... this is somewhat of a tribute to Clue. : We have over 10 endings for you to choose from, including two special guest endings! Each ending'll be posted as a chapter so we can have time write each one. -o-;; If it's stupid, tell us. We'll agree with you. :P If you think it's funny... we love you! Marry us!! XD ...unless you're Jack. If you hate it... please don't be mean. ;_; We're sensitive and you'll make us cry. ;_____; And all flames will quickly be used to roast Jack alive.