I can feel my eyes dragging as that horrid feeling of disappointment begins to come over me. It's been over a month before that horrific incident occurred. Well, not so much "horrific" as it was embarrassing. Degrading? Maybe just soul-crushing. I don't even know if I can call him my boyfriend anymore. Not that I want to break up. But I still haven't managed to cope correctly with the failing of our attempt at sex. And we haven't talked about it since that night. That's a bad sign, right?

God, I hate myself for this. Fighting rhyme and reason is a lot easier said than done, and that was exactly what I failed at. I made him cry when I tried to put it in, and not the kind of cry that makes you want to dive in even further. A lot of blood came out and we both ended up freaking out, leaving plenty of room for an awkward air as I tried to comfort him all night. And it sucks just that much more, too, since I was making such great progress.

Under those thick glasses and long bangs, Endou never really expressed much for me but disinterest in the beginning, slapping away my hand whenever I tried to touch his hair or ignoring me through his headphones when I tried talking to him. But up until a month ago, I had made amazing progress, if I do say so myself. Our physical intimacy became more apparent with the long nights on the couch watching his favorite horror films, and the more times we went out, the more I got to see all the people that were his friends (which, sadly enough, wasn't quite expected from me. He doesn't seem like he'd reach out to anyone for anything) and all the while a new expression of his was discovered. Especially that wide smile he gave when he was a mix of bashful, embarrassed and happy. That was the only time I'd get to see him with scarlet on the bridge of his nose.

But however many steps I'd just recently managed to take forwards, I was now about a million and seven steps back from that. Ever since that night we actually tried being intimate, he's completely closed up to me like he was when we met. It almost makes me happy that we didn't have the same class this year. Who knows what would've happened had I tried to press-

"TSU-DA!" Before I realize it, I'm snapped from my trance as my name is screamed in my ear. Any remnants of what I was once thinking have now completely evaded me.

When I look behind me, Kanzaki, in all his over-heated glory, is glaring at me from above. Lucky me I got a class again with him (complete sarcasm intended). "What?"

"Goddammit I have been calling you for a WHILE now. Where the hell were you in that damn empty head of yours?" He's not normally like this, trying to swear me out. But he's quite sensitive to the people around him. It didn't take Kanzaki long to figure out that I was having trouble with Endou. "Either way Endou has been waiting for you in the doorway for the past 10 minutes. You think you'd pay more attention-"

As soon as I heard his name I completely tuned out my friend, my eyes darting to the sliding door and seeing his hair curling down in waves clearly from behind the window. His headphones are on and he's completely oblivious to the world around him. And before I even realize I'm moving, I'm already at the doorway, sliding it open and poking my head out almost as if I couldn't believe it was him who came to me (all the while Kanzaki screaming behind me for ignoring him). Endou silently looks up at me from behind his bangs without a glimmer of emotion (not that I'm great at expressing myself. But I'm still better than he is in this kind of environment).

Just then it hit me. Before the week had even hit Tuesday, I had invited Endou to stay over at my place for the night on Saturday, since my parents were going out and it would be quiet in the house. But when I made the proposal, he didn't give me so much as a nod, so I automatically assumed that that was it and he didn't want to come.

The walk home seemed so damn quiet, I almost pulled out my hair for lack of things to say. He seemed so unresponsive, like he didn't even want to be walking down with me. His expression was blank and his face was to the ground, one side of his headphones off his ear in case he needed to tell me something.

But he never did. I tried small talk to try to erase the heavy air around us but it didn't work.

"Did you see that they were coming out with a new horror drama? Supposedly the main actress is from Europe or somewhere like there."

"Mmhm."

See? Such little want to even be here. Horror is one of his favorites and I couldn't even get him to talk with that. It feels like my heart is being poked at as I analyze everything about the situation, no even bothering to slip my fingers through his as his blank expression hits me hard.

As we continue to walk, the small things that have always caught my attention grow more obvious, almost as if they were screaming at me to look their way. Like the way his hair curls around his ears and almost hook its way into his eyes, or how its grow too long and is now able to split at the back of his slender pale neck. Every time I see the back of his neck I'm overcome with this insane urge to control, monopolize his small body; to push him down and make him cry out for me as we enjoy each other through our bodies.

NOT MAKE HIM CRY BECAUSE OF THE PAIN.

My head makes a loud thudding noise as it makes impact with my front door, Endou shifting focus from the ground to me for a split second to see what the noise was about. After I unlock the door he quietly enters, slipping out of his shoes and leaving his school bag by the entrance, making his way for the couch and instead sits with his knees in the air on the floor, his head falling back on the cushions behind him as if it took every last bit of his energy to walk here. I knew he wasn't so physically fit but I didn't realize it was this bad. If I had known, I would've carried his bag for him-

"Do you want something to drink?" The words escape my lips as if my sub conscience were trying to save me from losing myself in my mind and leaving Endou all alone in the quiet of the house.

"Not really."

The night marched on like this, a horror film passing the time and filling in the quiet for me with little to no conversation in between, save for the offerings of small things from me and the quiet declines from him. When the movie was over it felt like I could hear the electrical currents running through the walls. The clock said 8:27. At least it was finally the weekend.

We ordered take out and ate that as quietly as we did anything that night, and before it was 10, I offered him the bath first. Not so surprisingly he said no and I got in, doing my best to make it quick. It scared me to leave him alone for so long, almost as if I took my eyes off of him, he silently disappear from my sight forever.

When I finally coaxed him in after I got out, it left me time to check my phone (I left it on silent for the movie). There was a message from mom that read;

"Me and your dad are going to be spending the night at a hotel~
Hope you have fun with your friend!
There's things to make breakfast in the freezer!"

Typical luck. At least with my parents, Endou wouldn't stay so quiet. But I was stranded trying to figure out what to do with him without hurting him now.

Other than the message, there was a missed call from Kanzaki. I guessed Endou would be a while, and I needed the conversing, so I decided to call him back.

After a few rings, he picked up.

'So how are things going with him tonight?'

"What do you suspect?"

'You can't get him to talk, can you.'

"Not really. I think we're going to bed soon. It's going to be stupid awkward trying to sleep with him, though, considering last time-"

'Did you apologize to him?'

"Of course I did, dumbass. The guilt would be eating me alive otherwise."

'Well maybe you should try saying you're sorry again. Your bad moods effect every love-struck maiden at school you know, and when you're both unhappy (or at least calm), no one is. Haven't you ever done it with a girl?'

"For fucks sake you know the answer to that already."

'Have you ever done it with a virgin?'

"Once. But I didn't feel as bad then as I do now-" When I heard the bathroom door open my hand instinctively hit the 'hang-up' button and just like that, Kanzaki was gone. Endou came out in a slightly too big t shirt with the logo of his favorite band on it and a pair of gym shorts that were almost covered up by the shirt. His hair stuck to his face, darker than usual due to the water. It seemed to make his already translucent skin stick out all the more, and whenever you noticed how pale he was, the mole under his left eye was so obvious. It took me too long to realize I was staring at him while he polished off the steam from his glasses.

And when our eyes met I couldn't help but pulling away, trying my hardest to banish all sexual thoughts from my mind- for Endou's sake, dammit!

I didn't expect him to follow me into my room again. In fact, I was waiting for him to ask me at any moment for a blanket and pillows so that he'd be able to sleep on the couch. But as he crawled under the covers with me, I sighed in my mind and realized how long of a night it was going to be.

Moving to the far side of the bed I turned off the light, fully intending to say on my side all night. It didn't take but about 7 minutes for the covers to start making noise on Endou's side. God, he really must be uncomfortable sleeping with me tonight.

Just as I'm about to turn over and ask him if he wanted me to sleep somewhere else, I feel my torso being pinned and my pelvis absorbing the warmth of something on top of it. It took a while for my eyes to adjust, but I could already feel the familiar shape on top of me enough to recognize it as Endou. My heart is in a panic as I realize that all he has on is the skin-tight underwear he had under his gym shorts.

I settles almost immediately as Endou pushes his lips up against mine, gently prying mine apart in an invitation to explore the innards of his mouth. I'd nearly forgotten the exhilaration that our mingling saliva give me, and the fact that Endou can be just as sexy and aggressive when he wants to be. His cold hands slide up the sides of my shirt as he hunches over me, trying to keep control as I dig my fingers through the back of his hair almost forcing him closer to me.

After I somehow managed to slip out of my shirt without fumbling, my mind immediately goes to the light, faintly remembering what his slender body looks like without his shirt on and how pale-pink his nipples are. But then his words come back to me; 'With the lights on I can't see anything without my glasses. It's only fair we do it with the lights off.'

That's fine. I can feel the pink bud's shape in my mouth as I gently grind the right in my mouth, hearing his faint gasps and panting as he clings to the back of my shoulders, wrapping his arms around my head as our bare skin mingles. I can feel Endou trying to pull his hips from me for fear of his erection jabbing me, but I grab him by the hips and pull him closer as I go for his neck and play with his apple-

I push him back as my hand wraps around his butt, suddenly remembering all the self control that I've building up; panic, shame and guilt rushing through my mind all at once. "We can't-"

I could see the face he was making clearly through the dark. His bottom lip was almost out in his near-pouting state.

"I don't want to hurt you again. I love you, I really do- that's why I don't want to see you bleed like that again." He looked me sternly in the face and rather than sitting in my lap, he got up on his knees and grasped either of my hands in his, coaxing them to follow his in the dark. He quickly slipped his shorts down to his thighs and led my fingers down to his butt without a word with a sure confidence I couldn't find in myself.

Endou's fingers pushed mines to touch his tiny hole, the softness of it coaxing me to dig a little deeper. My eyes nearly snap open as I realize how easy it is to slip my fingers in, and how soft it is compared to last time. When I open my mouth, he cuts me off.

"I've been stretching it... out since last month. I also stretched it out when I was in the bath. It made me feel so stupid that I didn't do this last time and tat the obvious happened, i-I'm sorry I haven't been able to look at you this whole time I was just embarrassed and-" his words get faster and faster as he goes on and it all suddenly hits me; when we were walking home, his hears were a deep shade of red (only his ears turn red when he's embarrassed) and when we got home he was only apprehensive of how I'd be with him there. It made me feel so bad that I could feel my face turning hot and finally decided to take charge again.

Immediately I had him on his back, hearing a little yelp from him as I pull his legs up into the air and slip his shorts (wet with pre-cum) off of him, almost tripping as I got out of mine. He seemed in a panic as I spread his thighs so I was practically looking straight down his waist, and better yet his butt (had I been able to see clearer, that is). My right hand goes for his slightly softened dick as my mouth trails his inner thighs, feeling him grow both hotter and harder in my hands, hearing him clasp his face in his hands and trying to refrain from any noise.

Yet as soon as my nose is buried between his hole and his balls his panting has become worse and it doesn't look like he can hang on much longer. My tongue easily slips past the entrance and begins exploring his innards, every time my tongue twitches he let's out a glorious noise. A wave of relief comes over me as the fact fully comes into comprehension; I won't hurt him this time.

When I begin to suck on the skin that is his entrance, trying to retract from the feeling of my mouth, he unexpectedly releases, nearly swearing for me making him come on himself. "Stop teasing me and put it in already, dammit!"

I can feel a wave of excitement come over me as I watch him scramble from under me, bashfully showing me his ass as he gets on his knees once more. With much pleasure I position myself to enter, feeling the head aching as it touches his softened hole. And without another wasted moment I feel him en wrap me, trying his hardest not to squeeze me so tightly but failing on that part as he let's out the cry I've so longed to hear, putting his hands on the bedframe as if he were holding on for dear life.

And on my end I try to control myself, pushing in slowly and pulling my torso closer to his, gripping his dick in my right hand and his hip in my left, relief sweeping over me as I can feel his still-hard membrane. All the while he's letting out little squeaks here and there, trying to control his breathing as his body trembles under mine. I slowly pull out and feel him squeeze me even tighter, turning his head quickly as if he were scared I was calling it quits. It felt like he was sucking me right in as I rocked my hips forwards, trying to repeat the process as calmly as possible and biting the back of that pale neck I've found myself starring at.

The more Endou cries out, the more I want to move; and before long I'm actually losing myself in his body, his breath becoming more rapid with each thrust and his cries becoming louder and louder until he's almost yelling in the pleasure, rocking his own hips back and forth as if he were trying to keep me in as long as possible. Before he manages to ejaculate for the second time tonight I quickly pull out, a good cry coming from him as I grip his member and coax him into facing me. And once he's back on his back I pull his hand forwards, leading him as he positions himself on me once more, the longer I restrain him the tighter he squeezes me. Our lips lock again and our tongues practically dance with one another, his teeth clumsily scraping against mine as he tries his hardest to breath in an impossible situation, our movements moving faster as we can both tell we're near the end. His legs tightly wrap around me and he starts up the synchronized series of sounds that go along with my movements, and I can feel his erection practically stabbing me in my guts, Endou now holding himself as he waits for me to release, tears forming at the ends of his eyes.

His own hips buck two more times before I finally come, his whole body shuddering in my hands at the feeling of me spilling out in him and his own stomach becoming messy once more as he let's go, almost hunching over as he twitches uncontrollably. After his innards stop twitching, I slide out, watching as he tenses up and let's out a series of rhythmic pants. My hands go for his shoulders and when I fall on my back onto the bed, only now realizing that I'm covered in sweat and just as out-of-breath as he is, I pull him down with me and feeling his heartbeat racing on my ribcage. My crotch feels all kinds of sticky when we go down, and I could've sworn I heard Endou utter a 'sorry'.

But I don't care anymore. His thick hair falls in its waves on my chest and it looks like he's ready to pass out, but give me a jump when he sits back up, nearly falling over. I have to hold him up straight to keep him from fainting as he struggles to get out of bed.

"What are you trying to do?" I ask as I try my hardest to bring him back in bed.

It's barely a whisper, but he whispers "Bathroom" without looking at me in the face.

Simply enough I help him over, watching as he locks the door after turning on the light and catching a glimmer of scarlet in his ears. The water begins to run and I just wait patiently, wondering what time in hell it must be.

It must've been about 15 minutes before he came back out, me nearly nodding off with the only light coming from the crack in the door (I put my shorts back on and wiped off in this time). When the door opened I stood back up, fully ready to help him.

And he needed it. Immediately he clung to me, even tighter than before, both of us guessing how bad it would be for him in the morning. We barely took 2 steps before I asked "So... why?"

Now that the light was off his skin tone was no longer visible. But the heat he emitted after this question was intense.

"You know what, forget it. You don't have to-"

"I had to clean it..." His head was hanging down as he gripped my shoulder even tighter, his mumbling getting worse. "Or else... the runs..."

I couldn't help but cracking a smile and hearing the silent laughter in the back of my head, feeling like a jerk for putting him through this. But I'd definitely make it up to him by carrying him back. Endou would've fought harder had he had more strength, but seeing as he had used the last of it just to get out of bed, I didn't get hurt much. And I'm pretty sure he fell asleep before we even made it back.