Author's notes: Because this just needed writing, and Kubo isn't going to write it in a million years. Therefore, it is technically slightly-cracky AU. :D

"Good morning, student!"

"Oh, would you just shut up, Uryu?" Ichigo grumbled loudly, glaring across the field to see Uryu Ishida walking towards him. "This isn't school, I really don't want to be here, and you are most certainly not my superior. Just teach me how the basics work and I'll work the rest out for myself."

Uryu looked apoplectic. "Excuse me, Ichigo, but this is a lesson, you may not want to be here but the fact of the matter is that you need to be, and other than the possible exception of my father I am the only person in the world who is still following the old ways, otherwise known as the only ways," Uryu said, a hint of smugness in his voice.

"So quickly show me how to materialise a bow," Ichigo responded, shrugging. "How hard can it be to point and fire?"

"Are you kidding me?" Uryu demanded, barely refraining from materialising his own bow and arrow and aiming for Ichigo's head. "You honestly think that you, Ichigo Kurosaki, the idiot Soul Reaper who has made a name for running face-first into battle and somehow winning by raw power and sheer dumb luck, could possibly do something so quickly when it took me years to do under expert guidance?"

Ichigo smirked. "I'm sorry, Uryu, I can't hear you over my Blut Vene."

Uryu pinched the bridge of his nose before stepping back and hurling a small item at Ichigo. Satisfied with the distinctly un-threatening squeak emitted by the orange-haired idiot as it hit him in the nose, Uryu smiled pointedly as Ichigo reached down to pick up the five-pointed Quincy cross on a bracelet which had fallen to the grass by his feet.

"Put it on, Ichigo," Uryu commanded with as much authority as he could muster, feigning confidence in order to disguise his serious misgivings with handing Ichigo such a powerful weapon he clearly had no clue how to use. Ichigo put on the bracelet and glared at Uryu. "Let's begin with a simple bow. Hold your left hand out in front of you - no, that's your right... what are you, a complete idiot?"

"HEY," Ichigo yelled. "I was holding out my left arm. I just wanted to try shooting backwards first."

"WOULD YOU JUST STOP FOOLING AROUND?" Uryu exploded. "A bow and arrow is not a toy - these are deadly weapons which can do as much damage as your zanpakuto given the opportunity. Would you swing Zangetsu around willy-nilly when there are people in your immediate vicinity?"

Ichigo thought for a second. "Well, yeah."

"Yeah, you would, wouldn't you," Uryu concurred, exasperatedly stomping over to Ichigo and seizing his left arm. "Look, hold your arm out in front of you like this," he said, demonstrating with his own right arm. "Now, the next part may be difficult for you," Uryu continued, stepping back a few yards. "You have so little control you're more used to flinging out your reiatsu in every direction, but now you need to retain it and focus it inside yourself."

"Oh, you mean like this?" Ichigo asked, screwing his face up in concentration and sending a powerful pulse of spiritual pressure outwards, nearly knocking Uryu off his feet.

"No," Uryu said firmly, his scowl matching Ichigo's own perpetual one. "Now we'll be lucky if we're not targeted by every Hollow currently in the country."

Sure enough, at that moment a familiar screech announcing the presence of a Hollow roared out in the distance. "Oh, for goodness' sake," Uryu muttered, summoning his own bow and shooting a single, precise arrow in the direction of the noise. After a couple of seconds the sound of the next screech was cut off mid-howl.

"If you had actually told me how to concentrate my spiritual pressure," Ichigo mumbled stubbornly, "I could have got some practice in by dealing with that one myself."

Uryu cocked an eyebrow at Ichigo. "Oh, really? You want some Hollows to practice on? Well, with a request like that it's tempting to just reach for the old Hollow-bait," he said, snidely. "The problem is, your reiatsu has already summoned them, and that's more effective than my Hollow-bait could ever be."

Ichigo gulped.

"You know," Uryu continued, "it would be incredibly easy for me to just stand back and watch you sink or swim when they gather."

"Yes, except then I'd just get out Zangetsu and go Soul-Reaper on them," Ichigo said matter-of-factly. "I bet Zangetsu would do a better job of killing a group of Hollows than your lame-ass bow could, anyway."

Uryu's eyes narrowed. "What did you just say about my Ginrei Kojaku?"

"Eh, this is a waste of time anyway," Ichigo yawned. "If you're not even going to tell me exactly how to manifest a bow..."

"Fine!" Uryu shouted. "The Hollow-bait it is."

Ichigo jumped as Uryu took a small disk out of his pocket and crushed it between his fingers, before rushing over to Ichigo and quickly confiscating his Zanpakuto from the sheath.

"What did you do that for, you absolute nutter?" Ichigo postulated, raising his left arm and creating an arc of golden light, spanning a couple of metres from near the floor to a point about a metre above Ichigo's head. A shaft of dazzling light appeared in Ichigo's right hand, which drew back, aiming at Uryu.

"Don't you point that thing at me," Uryu warned, hastily, as another Hollow shrieked nearby and Ichigo accidentally let his left hand go, firing the arrow towards Uryu. Uryu dodged, Hirenkyaku taking him to a point a couple of metres away before the arrow could sink itself into his heart.

"What the hell are you playing at, Ichigo?" Uryu asked, eyes wide in alarm.

"Whoops, sorry Uryu, I didn't mean to nearly kill you," Ichigo said as he swivelled around, pointing the bow away.

A tic went in Uryu's forehead. "The Hollow-bait works because it's made of pure reishi," he said through his teeth. "Which, coincidentally, is what you use to manifest a bow and arrows."

"Sweet," Ichigo responded, admiring his own oversized, golden bow. "I think I'll call it Hou-ou."

"You're not serious," Uryu stated in disbelief. "Phoenix. You're actually naming your bow Phoenix."

"Why not?" Ichigo shrugged. "Yours is a sparrow, and my bow is bigger, more powerful, better looking..."

Uryu scowled, drawing his own bow. "Excuse me, who said anything about more powerful?" he challenged.

Ichigo smirked. "Fine, we'll just see who can take out the most Hollows."

"Deal," Uryu muttered.

An hour, several maths lectures and a few dozen arguments later, the two Quincys stood side-by-side on a nearby hill, all traces of Hollow-reiatsu purged from the area.

"Well, I think that was a moderately successful first lesson," Uryu said, finally. "You didn't hit a single Hollow, and you nearly killed me several times, but if you brush up on your angles you should soon be ready for..."

"Scrap that," Ichigo interrupted. "Next time you can teach me that Letzt Stil thing Kisuke told me about."

Uryu gave a short laugh, dismissing his bow and walking away before the temptation to punch Ichigo became too much to resist. "Over my dead body."