Bob the Knight
There was once a very brave, handsome, very battle-crazy knight named Bob. He was born to King Bob (senior) of the land of Bob (King Bob liked to put his name on all of his stuff). Prince Bob loved to fight and always joined in battles and war, even for other countries. He liked to win. of course, Bob had a little sidekick named Muffins (his mother was fond of muffins). Anyway, Bob had a sidekick because he wanted to be the perfect knight, and perfect knights had sidekicks. Besides the BKU (the Better Knights Union) required a sidekick to join, and Muffins filled the position perfectly. Basically Bob and Muffins spent most of their time doing the basic knight thing. You know, like slaying dragons, saving villages, and rescuing damsels in distress, while occasionally joining in a drunk pub brawl, where, as it turned out, Bob happened to be the instigator usually. So one day Bob and Muffins are tired after a day of knighting it up. They rested their tired bodies by a beautiful wide silvery river. Bob, complacent from another great defeat, decided to talk to Muffins about his own greatness, while looking at himself in the river. He was usually modest, but today he couldn't help himself. He fought a damn good battle, damn it! "Yes Muffins. I truly AM the perfect knight. I, being strong, brave, and quite handsome (might I add) shall be remembered for ages and ages because I'm just that good," Bob said with an airy chuckle. "You sure were good out there sire. I never saw a dragon cry before. You showed him." Muffins said excitedly. OOC: Muffins: Do I really have to say that? Narrator: Excuse me? Muffins: It just sounds so... Gay. Can't I have a better line than that? Narrator: Um...I suppose? Muffins: Thanks you're a doll. IC: Um..So Muffins replied "Damn straight sire. Don't nobody mess wit dis knightly posse. Ya heard? Word." "Um..right Muffins. Maybe you should get some sleep or something," Bob said, with utter confusion. However, he was still in awe of himself, and continued making kissy faces and winking at his reflection in the beautiful river. Muffins began to doze off, and the forest was silent with the exception of the rushing water of the river. Little did Bob or tiny Muffins know, that this was no ordinary river. It was packed full of magic, black magic. And I mean Evil! All of a sudden, Bob heard a strange noise coming from the river. A sort of gurgling. He tore himself away from his reflection to see a small whirlpool forming in the river. Yeah, and Muffins was already sleeping by then. So, Bob reached for his sword, and prepared to ward off any blow. But nothing could have prepared him for what was to come next. Out of the river, lunged a screaming belly-dancing, pirate trout. It screamed, while flying at Bob, and also throwing in some mad belly dance moves in the air. Bob had to admit the trout had skills. And Bob was far too stunned to move. He only watched as a little fish face with an eye patch moved closer and.... BAM! It slapped him with his flipper on the nose and bit into his shoulder. OOC: Bob: Isn't that a bit much? Narrator: Gah, not again. You two are the most demanding characters I've ever worked with! Bob: Come now! Really though...A screaming belly dancing, pirate trout? I mean really, who ever heard of a trout that could belly dance? Narrator: Christ Almighty! All right, out with the belly dancing. Yeesh, I bet James Earl Jones never had to go through this. IC: So yeah...the SCREAMING PIRATE TROUT smacked Bob in the face and bit his shoulder, then kind flopped back into the river. "Ow..That rather smarted," Bob said holding his bleeding nose and shoulder. "You damn right it smart, you conceited fool!" Bob heard by the river. Over the river flew a little black fairy with green wings and a silver dress. "Who are you?" Bob asked. "What da hell does it look like man? I'm da bleedin rivah fairy!" The little fairy snapped. Bob already didn't like her. "River fairy? Well, why are you talking to me then?" Bob asked as he walked to the river bank. He began washing his blood off in the slivery water. The spots the blood touched turned black and sank. "What da hell do ya think you're doin man? Don't contaminate me rivah! Here I am bein so polite and sweet to ya, and what are me tanks? You go and pollute me rivah! I oughtn't tell ya now!" The river fairy burst out. "I'm sorry. Tell me what?" Bob asked suspiciously. "Dat dat trout was cursed man! You a dead doock!" The fairy said, and began to laugh hysterically. "Wait? What? A curse, what curse?" Bob asked anxiously. He stood up. "Well, since you are da one who's so egotistical the curse is, if ya don't find someone you love, and who loves you, more den you love yaself, by...lets say...tomorrow at midnight (fairies is busy too ya know) then you'll turn into a screaming pirate trout too!" "What? Tomorrow? Midnight? That's IMPOSSIBLE!" "I don't care. I got pahties to go to man! I don't have time to be waitin around for you to find no love!" "But... But..." Bob began, lost in his thoughts. "You bettah get going man... You don't have much time!" The fairy said with another hysterical laugh. The whole while, Muffins snored away. Bob threw a rock at Muffins as he ran to his trusty steed. "Come along man! I have to find a woman!" Bob yelled. Muffins woke up after the rock met his cheek. He ran to his trusty dog. Yup, he was small enough to ride a husky. And off they went to find a love for Bob. Ho! Away in a tower, not to far away, was the trapped princess, Rhubarb (her late father loved the pie). Rhubarb sat all alone in one of those oddly high towers with one of those tiny-looking windows, and only one door out. She was kept there by none other than...THE FONZ! Yes! That lovable television character from "Happy Days". Resentful of being less famous than Ron Howard in his later years, Arthur Fonzerelli traveled back in time to become a world famous evil sorcerer. Princess Rhubarb was locked in the tower by The Fonz not too long ago, for not paying back a loan on time, after buying a unicorn. To punish Rhubarb, Fonzi rode and pranced around on the unicorn in front of her, for a while. Later, he turned it into a dragon so Rhubarb couldn't escape, and so no one could save her. To pass time, Rhubarb sang. She had a beautiful voice. She was a beautiful maiden anyway. All beautiful maidens had wonderful voices in those days. That certain day, she was singing in opera. "She had dumps like a truck truck truck, thighs like what what what, baby move your butt butt butt, all night long, I think I'll sing it again!" She sang awfully loud too. How loud you ask? Perhaps loud enough for a passing knight and sidekick to overhear? Yup, just that loud. "Hark! What angel's voice doth sing so sweetly into mine ear that I might taste a bit of heaven?" Bob suddenly (and oddly) exclaimed. Muffins laughed. "What sire?" "Where's that voice coming from?" Bob rephrased, disappointed that his poetry was wasted on an idiot like Muffins. "Oh, somewhere that way!" Muffins said, pointing to a clearing. Bob was so taken with the voice that he galloped into the open field. This field was a barrier between the tower/castle and the forest. Fonzi had it heavily booby trapped. Muffins followed after his knight. Very fortunately for the duo, all of Fonzi's booby traps were asleep. That's what he gets for picking ONLY nocturnal animals. Stupid Fonzi! OOC: Fonzi: Eeeey! Narrator: Shut up you! IC: Bob dashed forward on his steed, occasionally smashing over an unsuspecting booby trap. Poor booby trap! Anyway, Bob finally made it to Rhubarb's tower, where her voice was clear as a bell. "What heavenly creature sings with that angelic voice?" Bob shouted. How corny! Muffins had heard him say this before, but this time, he was sober. The voices from above stopped singing. A figure appeared in the window. Somehow, Bob saw Rhubarb perfectly. "Oh my God! You're gorgeous!" Bob shouted up. "Um..thanks!" Rhubarb shouted back down. "Are you here to rescue me? Because you should know there's a dragon guarding me!" At that moment. Bob heard the ugly, bone-chilling roar of the dragon. "Sire! It's bigger than any dragon you've fought before!" Muffins pointed out. "I must defeat it to save my love!" Bob shouted. He unsheathed his sword, and faced the dragon. "Eew, its got horns in its head!" Muffins stated, while seeking safe shelter behind a corner. "Damn his horns! This devil is going back from the depths of which he came!" Bob shouted angrily. "South Mandala?" Muffins asked curiously. "No, hell stupid! Hell!" Bob said. With those words he thrust forward and pointed his sword at the dragon. The dragon jerked his head forward to bite off Bob's arm. Instead, it got a sword up the nose. It jerked its body back in surprise and pain. "Muahaha! You had better recognize me dragon!" He said. Suddenly the dragon sneezed and out flew Bob's sword. "Watch out!" Rhubarb screamed from her tower. In the less than five minutes she had seen Bob, she had fallen in love with him. But alack! The sword flew right into Bob's chest! He flew backwards from the force of the blow. "Nooo," Rhubarb and Muffins shouted at the same moment. Meanwhile, the dragon couldn't stop sneezing and with each sneeze, fire spurted out of his nose. He ended up burning his arms up and running off somewhere. Rhubarb was crying at her window, while Muffins ran to his sire's side. Bob wasn't looking to good. He was covered in blood. He was hacking too. All in all, this wasn't turning out to be a good "Bob" day. Rhubarb began climbing down a rope she had been making from all her left over spagetti. But halfway down a bird ate some of it and she fell. Of course, Muffins broke her fall. Both were okay though. Rhubarb knelt beside (the apparently dying) Bob. "Oh my love. You died rescuing me. All my life. I have been waiting for you, and now you're goin to die! Cruel world!" She said, perhaps a little overly dramatic. "Yes. I have never known love until I saw your face and heard your voice. I shall die happy though, knowing that you loved me!" Bob whispered betweens hacks. Meanwhile, Muffins was blubbering into a hanky. Good old loyal Muffins! Suddenly a glowing appeared above Bob's chest. Rhubarb backed up slightly. "Ya a weakling man!" Bob heard a familiar, annoying voice say. "Oh no!" He uttered. "Don't be rude man! Or I won't save ya man!" The river fairy said, appearing above Bob. "Save him?" Rhubarb asked hopefully. "Ya gel! He saved ya cuz I kinda made him. It's all my fault. I might as well save him. Besides, I don't wanna spend no more time tinkin about him findin love!" The fairy said. With a wave of her wand, Bob's wounds were healed and the blood disappeared from his clothing. Before Bob could thank the fairy, she disappeared again, saying something about being late for a party. "Well... I'm certainly glad that's over," Bob said. He sat up. Rhubarb, overwhelmed with happiness, leaned in and hugged him tightly. He returned the hug. "Now we can be together forever," Rhubarb said, her eyes filled with joy. "Indeed," Bob said. He stood up and called his trusty steed over to him. But, ho, where was The Fonz all this time? Lurking about as he usually did. But now he came into view from behind a corner. "A ha o ho...eey!" He shouted. He raised his wand. "Oh geez," Muffins said. He jumped on his dog and rammed straight into Fonzi's sweets. The Fonz keeled over. "Bravo, good show Muffins!" Bob said, definitely surprised. "All in the job sire," Muffins said racing up beside his knight friend. "Well then is that all for this adventure?" Bob asked Rhubarb and Muffins and suddenly becoming hungry. His love and his sidekick nodded and they all rode off into the sunset, like all good knights did. The moral of this story is... Well hell, there really is no moral. Not all stories have morals anyway, right? Right? This was a low budget project, and we couldn't afford any morals. But if you find one let me know, all right? I'm just the narrator, not ever a very good one. Why are you still reading? I'm really just thinking out loud now. Oh, I know what you're waiting for, the fairy tale thing..All right. The End?
There was once a very brave, handsome, very battle-crazy knight named Bob. He was born to King Bob (senior) of the land of Bob (King Bob liked to put his name on all of his stuff). Prince Bob loved to fight and always joined in battles and war, even for other countries. He liked to win. of course, Bob had a little sidekick named Muffins (his mother was fond of muffins). Anyway, Bob had a sidekick because he wanted to be the perfect knight, and perfect knights had sidekicks. Besides the BKU (the Better Knights Union) required a sidekick to join, and Muffins filled the position perfectly. Basically Bob and Muffins spent most of their time doing the basic knight thing. You know, like slaying dragons, saving villages, and rescuing damsels in distress, while occasionally joining in a drunk pub brawl, where, as it turned out, Bob happened to be the instigator usually. So one day Bob and Muffins are tired after a day of knighting it up. They rested their tired bodies by a beautiful wide silvery river. Bob, complacent from another great defeat, decided to talk to Muffins about his own greatness, while looking at himself in the river. He was usually modest, but today he couldn't help himself. He fought a damn good battle, damn it! "Yes Muffins. I truly AM the perfect knight. I, being strong, brave, and quite handsome (might I add) shall be remembered for ages and ages because I'm just that good," Bob said with an airy chuckle. "You sure were good out there sire. I never saw a dragon cry before. You showed him." Muffins said excitedly. OOC: Muffins: Do I really have to say that? Narrator: Excuse me? Muffins: It just sounds so... Gay. Can't I have a better line than that? Narrator: Um...I suppose? Muffins: Thanks you're a doll. IC: Um..So Muffins replied "Damn straight sire. Don't nobody mess wit dis knightly posse. Ya heard? Word." "Um..right Muffins. Maybe you should get some sleep or something," Bob said, with utter confusion. However, he was still in awe of himself, and continued making kissy faces and winking at his reflection in the beautiful river. Muffins began to doze off, and the forest was silent with the exception of the rushing water of the river. Little did Bob or tiny Muffins know, that this was no ordinary river. It was packed full of magic, black magic. And I mean Evil! All of a sudden, Bob heard a strange noise coming from the river. A sort of gurgling. He tore himself away from his reflection to see a small whirlpool forming in the river. Yeah, and Muffins was already sleeping by then. So, Bob reached for his sword, and prepared to ward off any blow. But nothing could have prepared him for what was to come next. Out of the river, lunged a screaming belly-dancing, pirate trout. It screamed, while flying at Bob, and also throwing in some mad belly dance moves in the air. Bob had to admit the trout had skills. And Bob was far too stunned to move. He only watched as a little fish face with an eye patch moved closer and.... BAM! It slapped him with his flipper on the nose and bit into his shoulder. OOC: Bob: Isn't that a bit much? Narrator: Gah, not again. You two are the most demanding characters I've ever worked with! Bob: Come now! Really though...A screaming belly dancing, pirate trout? I mean really, who ever heard of a trout that could belly dance? Narrator: Christ Almighty! All right, out with the belly dancing. Yeesh, I bet James Earl Jones never had to go through this. IC: So yeah...the SCREAMING PIRATE TROUT smacked Bob in the face and bit his shoulder, then kind flopped back into the river. "Ow..That rather smarted," Bob said holding his bleeding nose and shoulder. "You damn right it smart, you conceited fool!" Bob heard by the river. Over the river flew a little black fairy with green wings and a silver dress. "Who are you?" Bob asked. "What da hell does it look like man? I'm da bleedin rivah fairy!" The little fairy snapped. Bob already didn't like her. "River fairy? Well, why are you talking to me then?" Bob asked as he walked to the river bank. He began washing his blood off in the slivery water. The spots the blood touched turned black and sank. "What da hell do ya think you're doin man? Don't contaminate me rivah! Here I am bein so polite and sweet to ya, and what are me tanks? You go and pollute me rivah! I oughtn't tell ya now!" The river fairy burst out. "I'm sorry. Tell me what?" Bob asked suspiciously. "Dat dat trout was cursed man! You a dead doock!" The fairy said, and began to laugh hysterically. "Wait? What? A curse, what curse?" Bob asked anxiously. He stood up. "Well, since you are da one who's so egotistical the curse is, if ya don't find someone you love, and who loves you, more den you love yaself, by...lets say...tomorrow at midnight (fairies is busy too ya know) then you'll turn into a screaming pirate trout too!" "What? Tomorrow? Midnight? That's IMPOSSIBLE!" "I don't care. I got pahties to go to man! I don't have time to be waitin around for you to find no love!" "But... But..." Bob began, lost in his thoughts. "You bettah get going man... You don't have much time!" The fairy said with another hysterical laugh. The whole while, Muffins snored away. Bob threw a rock at Muffins as he ran to his trusty steed. "Come along man! I have to find a woman!" Bob yelled. Muffins woke up after the rock met his cheek. He ran to his trusty dog. Yup, he was small enough to ride a husky. And off they went to find a love for Bob. Ho! Away in a tower, not to far away, was the trapped princess, Rhubarb (her late father loved the pie). Rhubarb sat all alone in one of those oddly high towers with one of those tiny-looking windows, and only one door out. She was kept there by none other than...THE FONZ! Yes! That lovable television character from "Happy Days". Resentful of being less famous than Ron Howard in his later years, Arthur Fonzerelli traveled back in time to become a world famous evil sorcerer. Princess Rhubarb was locked in the tower by The Fonz not too long ago, for not paying back a loan on time, after buying a unicorn. To punish Rhubarb, Fonzi rode and pranced around on the unicorn in front of her, for a while. Later, he turned it into a dragon so Rhubarb couldn't escape, and so no one could save her. To pass time, Rhubarb sang. She had a beautiful voice. She was a beautiful maiden anyway. All beautiful maidens had wonderful voices in those days. That certain day, she was singing in opera. "She had dumps like a truck truck truck, thighs like what what what, baby move your butt butt butt, all night long, I think I'll sing it again!" She sang awfully loud too. How loud you ask? Perhaps loud enough for a passing knight and sidekick to overhear? Yup, just that loud. "Hark! What angel's voice doth sing so sweetly into mine ear that I might taste a bit of heaven?" Bob suddenly (and oddly) exclaimed. Muffins laughed. "What sire?" "Where's that voice coming from?" Bob rephrased, disappointed that his poetry was wasted on an idiot like Muffins. "Oh, somewhere that way!" Muffins said, pointing to a clearing. Bob was so taken with the voice that he galloped into the open field. This field was a barrier between the tower/castle and the forest. Fonzi had it heavily booby trapped. Muffins followed after his knight. Very fortunately for the duo, all of Fonzi's booby traps were asleep. That's what he gets for picking ONLY nocturnal animals. Stupid Fonzi! OOC: Fonzi: Eeeey! Narrator: Shut up you! IC: Bob dashed forward on his steed, occasionally smashing over an unsuspecting booby trap. Poor booby trap! Anyway, Bob finally made it to Rhubarb's tower, where her voice was clear as a bell. "What heavenly creature sings with that angelic voice?" Bob shouted. How corny! Muffins had heard him say this before, but this time, he was sober. The voices from above stopped singing. A figure appeared in the window. Somehow, Bob saw Rhubarb perfectly. "Oh my God! You're gorgeous!" Bob shouted up. "Um..thanks!" Rhubarb shouted back down. "Are you here to rescue me? Because you should know there's a dragon guarding me!" At that moment. Bob heard the ugly, bone-chilling roar of the dragon. "Sire! It's bigger than any dragon you've fought before!" Muffins pointed out. "I must defeat it to save my love!" Bob shouted. He unsheathed his sword, and faced the dragon. "Eew, its got horns in its head!" Muffins stated, while seeking safe shelter behind a corner. "Damn his horns! This devil is going back from the depths of which he came!" Bob shouted angrily. "South Mandala?" Muffins asked curiously. "No, hell stupid! Hell!" Bob said. With those words he thrust forward and pointed his sword at the dragon. The dragon jerked his head forward to bite off Bob's arm. Instead, it got a sword up the nose. It jerked its body back in surprise and pain. "Muahaha! You had better recognize me dragon!" He said. Suddenly the dragon sneezed and out flew Bob's sword. "Watch out!" Rhubarb screamed from her tower. In the less than five minutes she had seen Bob, she had fallen in love with him. But alack! The sword flew right into Bob's chest! He flew backwards from the force of the blow. "Nooo," Rhubarb and Muffins shouted at the same moment. Meanwhile, the dragon couldn't stop sneezing and with each sneeze, fire spurted out of his nose. He ended up burning his arms up and running off somewhere. Rhubarb was crying at her window, while Muffins ran to his sire's side. Bob wasn't looking to good. He was covered in blood. He was hacking too. All in all, this wasn't turning out to be a good "Bob" day. Rhubarb began climbing down a rope she had been making from all her left over spagetti. But halfway down a bird ate some of it and she fell. Of course, Muffins broke her fall. Both were okay though. Rhubarb knelt beside (the apparently dying) Bob. "Oh my love. You died rescuing me. All my life. I have been waiting for you, and now you're goin to die! Cruel world!" She said, perhaps a little overly dramatic. "Yes. I have never known love until I saw your face and heard your voice. I shall die happy though, knowing that you loved me!" Bob whispered betweens hacks. Meanwhile, Muffins was blubbering into a hanky. Good old loyal Muffins! Suddenly a glowing appeared above Bob's chest. Rhubarb backed up slightly. "Ya a weakling man!" Bob heard a familiar, annoying voice say. "Oh no!" He uttered. "Don't be rude man! Or I won't save ya man!" The river fairy said, appearing above Bob. "Save him?" Rhubarb asked hopefully. "Ya gel! He saved ya cuz I kinda made him. It's all my fault. I might as well save him. Besides, I don't wanna spend no more time tinkin about him findin love!" The fairy said. With a wave of her wand, Bob's wounds were healed and the blood disappeared from his clothing. Before Bob could thank the fairy, she disappeared again, saying something about being late for a party. "Well... I'm certainly glad that's over," Bob said. He sat up. Rhubarb, overwhelmed with happiness, leaned in and hugged him tightly. He returned the hug. "Now we can be together forever," Rhubarb said, her eyes filled with joy. "Indeed," Bob said. He stood up and called his trusty steed over to him. But, ho, where was The Fonz all this time? Lurking about as he usually did. But now he came into view from behind a corner. "A ha o ho...eey!" He shouted. He raised his wand. "Oh geez," Muffins said. He jumped on his dog and rammed straight into Fonzi's sweets. The Fonz keeled over. "Bravo, good show Muffins!" Bob said, definitely surprised. "All in the job sire," Muffins said racing up beside his knight friend. "Well then is that all for this adventure?" Bob asked Rhubarb and Muffins and suddenly becoming hungry. His love and his sidekick nodded and they all rode off into the sunset, like all good knights did. The moral of this story is... Well hell, there really is no moral. Not all stories have morals anyway, right? Right? This was a low budget project, and we couldn't afford any morals. But if you find one let me know, all right? I'm just the narrator, not ever a very good one. Why are you still reading? I'm really just thinking out loud now. Oh, I know what you're waiting for, the fairy tale thing..All right. The End?