I can feel the tears starting to form in my eyes, but I ball my fists even tighter. They must be bone white by now, but I refuse to cry in front of everybody. Practically running, I leave the room and find my way to my Indian out in the lot. Speeding away is the only thing I can think of at the moment.
He doesn't know what he does to me. He doesn't know how much his opinion can bore down to the depths of my mind, festering. And why should he? He's my commanding officer. I shouldn't care so much about what he thinks of me, at least not quite to this depth.
It doesn't help that I feel like such an outsider, a disappointment. Don't get me wrong. I know that I am a valued member of the base. My knowledge of the stargate is tremendous, but that's all I'm even thought of as. Nobody takes the time to really know me, understand me. Sure, the guys have me over the "team nights," and we have a lot of fun, but I'm always just one of the guys. The colonel and Teal'c see me as the soldier, the rough around the edges, doesn't put up with anyone's shit, type of girl. Daniel sees me as the scientist, the person he can share his love of new technology and interesting artifacts with. Nobody knows the person who takes a bubble bath after every single mission because I never quite feel clean after being exposed to foreign germs. Nobody knows the me that loves to read romance novels late at night as a replacement to actually dating. Nobody knows the me that loves to sit out on my patio at night, watching the stars, and drinking a margarita. Nobody knows and nobody ever asks.
I cannot reach my front door fast enough. As soon as the door slams shut behind me, the tears are already flowing down my cheeks. Usually, I don't even make it this far. Usually, the tears start to well up as I'm flying down the road at top speed, but today, I am in the mood to be especially private. I am in the mood to lock my feelings deep down inside of me for nobody else to ever see because today is one of those days in which I am thinking thoughts that I shouldn't be.
I am a good girl. I have always been one to follow all the rules, the one more likely to become a teacher's pet than serve detention. That is why the military was always my friend, so concise, so straight and narrow. Now, I feel so disappointed in my self, like I have just failed everyone I ever knew, and completely let them down. That's the problem with being tagged the good girl, you always have to live up to that reputation. It makes you feel like every single mistake you make is a complete and utter failure. That is why I strive so hard for perfection. I cannot stand to let people down, especially when that person is Colonel Jack O'Neill. Ugh, I should not be thinking those thoughts! Stop it!
Tonight is one of those nights where that margarita tastes like a million bucks. It is so much easier to get myself lost gazing up at the heavens then getting myself lost in my own thoughts. Sometimes, as contradictory to my reputation as this is, it is better to just not think. Sometimes, it's better to live in oblivion than to face the cold reality of it all.
I do not hear them approaching from around the side of the house at first. I am too lost in the fore-mentioned oblivion. I know why they are here. They are here because of my little blow-up today on base. They are figuring that they should be the good team members that they unquestionably are and should attempt to cheer me up. I put on fake smile. They don't need to know what has been going through my mind lately. Sure, I could let them in on my secrets, could open myself up to someone other than myself for once, but tonight is not that night.
No, tonight, I am the Major Samantha that they know and love, and that's the way it should be.
THE END.