Disclaimer: I do not own the Vampire Diaries.

A/N: This story follows after 4x23. It will contain mature themes and will most likely get a bit graphic.

Missing

Bonnie supposed the Other Side could be likened to being in a reverie. A daydream of sorts. When one just wakes up, and the world remains hazy for just a moment. She could focus on individual people but the attention to surrounding details no longer applied when you were there, or of it did, it didn't seem to have significance anymore.

Ghosts on the Other Side were prone to linger about on those they had left behind. The others were either the type to dwell on their permanent residency status or put themselves in the denial mentality. She didn't see many of the latter- once you were here it was pretty obvious you weren't going back. Initially, the frustration of feeling that she was at the boundary of actually living would almost overwhelm her. She still couldn't get over the emptiness dwelling inside. Most of her senses were put on the back burner. Touch was only a fraction of what it once was. Forget smell altogether. The only ones that were even remotely similar were sight and hearing- but they were filtered. She couldn't really explain it, since it wasn't really something anyone could scientifically explain. It just was.

She adjusted relatively quickly though. The consequences of her actions had taken their toll and she would live with them. Or not, she thought with a touch of mirth, considering living had been taken out of the equation. There were upsides of course to being dead. There was no straining for breath, a lessened sense of gravity (since you didn't actually weigh anything), and with that came the lack of burdens one feels just by existing.

After Jer had been brought back, it wasn't long before her breakdown. Sheila had been the one to cry on. Were they really tears anymore? She questioned every aspect that she had formerly taken for granted. Was anger even real, when you couldn't even yell at anyone? Bonnie would often think about what she learned in her intro psyc class, when her teacher had discussed the role that neurotransmitters and hormones had played in emotions. Technically, she didn't even have those anymore, so how could she explain her emotional responses now? Bonnie tried to put it in the phenomenon category. She had been a witch after all, she could afford to suspend the need for explanations.

Ghosts, especially long-term ones, tended to have this sort of knowing piteous look when her anger had closely resembled how she had felt when she was alive, and she hated it. She had always thought she was so wise, so all-knowing just because she was a witch for fuck's sake. Having witch powers meant nothing here. Having that aspect of her identity gone was a telling blow. Sheila seemed to know exactly how to calm her down. Eventually, the pain had lessened into a dull ache. Bonnie tried not to think about how Sheila had gone through this on her own, but it always remained at the back of her mind. But again, she supposed she wasn't alone. The other witches were here, and they had supported her even after all that she had done to provoke them. Her moments of defiance and rebellion didn't seem to be an issue anymore. Any discontent was always overlooked, because, after all, there was a lot more to be dealt with on the Other Side, primarily adjusting to death. Being a ghost was hard, but the feeling of non-existence was even worse. She wanted to feel that everyone was going to care, that she had value, but then she would often think what does it matter now? Was she being selfish by holding on to the town she had grown up in?

There might as well have been oceans between her and her friends. It didn't really register until the veil had gone back up. Jeremy was still the same. It was only her that had changed. The dreadful feeling of knowing you were truly gone happened when she had taken a last glance at her friends in the Mystic Grill. The lack of physical distance between everything was the first compelling change she had noted as a ghost. She could just want to see someone, the simple urge to be near them, and she would be. The simplicity of it wasn't lost on her. She no longer needed her prius to get anywhere, it only took an instant. Like warp speed or something. Bonnie attributed it as some kind of bond that every ghost had with the ones they knew and the emotional connections that ghosts had with those still on earth. They could try and resist the bond through a mental shield, but that required a great deal of exertion.

She saw her friends sitting in a booth and knew she must be in the Mystic Grill. At first they were only in her periphery but she turned when she heard Elena's laugh. She focused on them and four figures gradually took form and meaning in the white haze that was her new world. The first thing she noted was that Jeremy wasn't there. Her sense of time was way off, so she had no way of knowing how long it had been since the veil had gone back up. But it couldn't have been more than a few hours, as their clothes were still the same. She suspected that he wasn't quite prepared for his re-entry into the real world, and the explanations that would have to follow. It wasn't exactly easy to reintegrate yourself into the world after being dead for several weeks. That required one hell of a description and Bonnie didn't think he would wrap his own head around being alive again, let alone explaining it to others.

Bonnie couldn't allow herself to regret her decision. The so-called balance of nature had screwed itself over by allowing supernatural creatures to exist that she no longer followed its ambiguous philosophy. It either wanted things to die or it didn't, either way everything seemed to have a loophole.

She ventured as close to them as she dared. Even walking was different. She became consciously aware of the lack of sound that her heels made on the hardwood floor and that none of the other patrons made any efforts to move around her. Her first impulse had been to dart around an energetic bus boy that came strolling by but she hadn't quite avoided any contact. His left arm had caught on her shoulder and she had braced for the physical touch of him running into her. Only his footsteps had indicated that he was still moving. The shock didn't register until she had looked behind her and he was now at the kitchen depositing dishes. I'm really dead. She knew she had to get out of there. It was getting too much.

Just one more minute.

She looked back at the table a few feet away and spotted the others. Damon was sitting beside Elena, and he held her hand underneath the table. Wow, I guess she's no longer confused. She then glanced at the other two and saw Matt and Caroline.

She could hear the words being mumbled by Matt "...she's packing right now I swear! I've never seen her like this."

Caroline nudged him. "Yeah, as if you aren't over the moon! Europe Matt! Even if it is with her." Her face grimaced before becoming animated once again. "You better take lots of pictures! And use Skype whenever you can."

This time Elena spoke. "You better be careful too. You've never even left Mystic Falls-"

Damon interrupted, "-as if he'll have anything to worry about. He'll have the basketcase Original beside him." He brought his hand up in a tsking motion. "But don't do anything I wouldn't do Golden Boy". He did the waggle eyebrow thing that Bonnie had always found irritating. It wasn't now.

The feelings of loss became even more pronounced knowing she couldn't join them, not ever. She looked at them but she was no longer paying attention to their words. Just the hand motions and their facial expressions. Their smiles, especially Elena's became a focal point, as she hadn't thought she would ever see it again. She did notice, however, that Elena's smile looked strained, almost forced. She practically radiated nerves. Bonnie attributed that to her belief that Jeremy was truly gone. Wait until she sees him. Bonnie wished she could see them reunite but she didn't dare risk being there should Jeremy accidentally give her away.

They'll move on, she thought with a touch of self-deprecation. Although they didn't know it yet, her life wouldn't matter any more or less than anyone else's. So many lives had been lost, and she was just another name on that list.

She wanted to listen to them longer but the thought carried its own torture. It wasn't her life anymore. She had no part in it. The longer she lingered the harder it would be to accept her circumstances. It would have happened anyway, but she had always thought not for another 50 or 60 years, and if she continually practiced magic, even longer.

As if Grams could sense her plight, she appeared behind her.

"Come now my dear, it's time we've left", she murmured.

"I know." Bonnie's smile was a useless front for the inner turmoil wrestling inside her. A sob escaped her. "It's just so hard." Her voice cracked.

"You have to move on."

To Bonnie's horror, her shoulders started shaking amongst her gasps and sobs. She didn't bother trying to hold it together anymore. It's not as if anyone could see her anyways. She could feel Sheila's arms support her when all she wanted to do was collapse. Maybe crawl into a ball and disappear. Even though she wasn't physically there, she could still feel the emotions course through her. Everything still felt as turbulent as when she was alive.

After several moments, where she could only feel the drumming in her ears followed by her grandmother's consoling words, she gradually calmed down to a state of understanding. Sheila's thoughts seemed to pierce her own and gave her a source of comfort. She glanced back at her friends where they still sat at the booth.

She clasped Sheila's hand.

"I'm ready."