A/N: I know there has been made a hundreds of these already, and I'm too late but dang it, I wanted to make my own version, okaayyy? Good. Note also that I'm a girl so I'm not pulling a discrimination against my own gender by saying that the franchise has many obsessive fangirls.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, and I hope it stays that way.
"My name is Stephanie Mey- I mean Bella Swan. I am 17 years old. I like reading. I'm stale and anti-social, which makes me so much better than everyone wasting my oxygen. My epicness couldn't contain in Arizona where my beloved mom is, so I moved to Forks to live with Charlie, the lam-o as my father-"
"Hey, Bella. Got you a new car as a welcome present. And I hope you will enjoy staying here."
"Daaaaad, stop embarrassing me, I was in the middle of my intro narration! Freak." She continued, "So anyway, when I started school, the students there seemed to realize my superiority that I have yet to prove to them. I guess they sense it from my open mouth breathing and blank stares."
Bella begins texting on her phone while continuing with no emotion.
"I absolutely hate it, but normal people would be relieved to be accepted the first day even by one person. That's why all the real life, sane people take a dislike to me. Maybe not everyone likes my super cool blandness; not something I will ever understand."
We go to the first day of school, in the cafeteria where Bella eats with her…acquaintances.
"Isabella, you're so awesome in every way, you have nice hair, pretty eyes and your overused clichéd jokes are so original and funny. I want you to be my best- holy shityou'rebreathingthroughyourmouthagainyoumakemequestionmyorientation." Jessica rambled.
"Uhmmm, thanks." Bella said with a weird look on her face. "And it's Bella, you dumb cow."
"Well, you are making me more secure that I am indeed heterosexual. Want to make out? It's written all over your parted lips." Mike said suggestively.
"Oh no, I'm saving those for the so-called-plot relevant hot bishie who sparkles when he comes in…of course, only in my eyes as of now and not later…I'm foreshadowing too much, am I?" Bella said, looking over at the Cullens who entered the cafeteria. "Um, who are they?" she said, saving her from ruining the so-called-spoilers that were to spoil nothing for those who didn't give a shit.
"Those are the Cullens. They are committing incestuous acts with each other, but we aren't reporting it for the sake of caring about the people who give more shit about your cheesy, romantic plot." Jessica said. Edward Cullen enters. Bella's eyes quickly merges into dream mode for short period and then turns blank again. "Who is thaaaaaaat…?" Her already open mouth opens more. Jessica continues. "That's Edward Cullen. He is the only one of the Cullens who's single and he also happens to be the hottest of them. For, you know, appeal to the pubescent, hormone-raging 12 year olds watching this steaming pile. None of them would want to be knocked up by Jackson Rathbone, Peter Facinelli or Kellan Lutz. Only Robert Pattinson and his cute British accent."
"…are you saying they want him to perform oral sex on them?" Bella said in a tone what could be maybe defined as disgusted, but was easy to miss due to her un-acting talent. "That pisses me off! I will keep on staring into his eyes to emphasize this, no matter how impolite it is!"
"Haha! How could you be impolite? You're the most awesome, epic, cutest girl we have only known for a few hours ever! By the way, would you like t-"
"Shut the hell up, Eric! He's staring back at me! I must concentrate on staring blankly back, don't ruin my focus!"
Eric swoons. Bella speaks to Angela and Jessica while still staring hornily at Edward.
"You can have those guys if you want; my eyes are dead set on the creepy nosefied Voldemort over there."
They squealed. "Holy crap! We could never dream of having Bella's rejects, but it's happening!"
In biology class, Bella has a dumb expression as a fan flows behind her, and nosefied Voldemort stares back at her for no reason. His eyes are still on her and are creepily intense as she sits down beside him. He burns holes into her neck, and the way she looks faintly uncomfortable gives the watcher a slight reconsideration she might be human.
"Man, you're creepy as fuck," Bella murmured.
"I will soon see to it that you say it with 'take me' eyes." Edward said. Then he rushes out of the room like he's got fire in his ass. Bella witnesses him wanting to switch class and yadda yadda bull.
Then we will show them again in biology class!
"Man, you're creepy as-"
"This scene is a little different." Edward interrupted.
"Oh, alright." Said Bella.
"I haven't properly introduced myself. I'm Edward. Edward Cullen. And you're Bella?" She nodded. "But call me Isabella and I will hate you forever." She non-threatened against an immortal vampire who could kick her ass all over the globe if he wanted to.
"I'll keep that in mind." But somehow he doesn't, because he's a pussy.
"Edward? Huh, what a stupid name. I want to call you Adonis. You know, the second name Meyer has for you?" Bella informed, pushing over a microscope to his side, and they speak about pointlessly stupid sounding things to a vampire that has lived for 107 years, but of course Bella doesn't know that yet. "Biology, biology, biology." He looked in the microscope and said.
Also, somewhere Fullmetal Alchemist fans were growling in frustration.
"I guess that's okay. That's my middle name. Or was my middle name Frosty?" He shoves the microscope back to Bella. "Biology, biology, biology, bacteria." She looked and said. He took notes. "So you're enjoying the rain?"
"What kind of question is that?" Bella asked. She shoved the microscope to Edward.
"Do you?" He repeated. He looked again and said. "Biology, biology, biology, bacteria, bacteria."
"Well no, no I don't."
"Then why did you move to the wettest place in the USA?"
"Because I hate myself and I want to die. Everyone's lameness makes me suicidal."
"…you will be mine." Edward whispered. This sudden urge made him throw the microscope at her, but she grabbed it quickly because she's perfect.
"Sorry." He said weakly.
"It's alright." She looked in the microscope again. "Biology, biology, biology, bacteria, biology."
"…you got it wrong."
"Damn it!"
Later, they walk together in the corridor.
"Blah, blah, blah, jab, jab, drivel, drivel." Bella heard Edward say and looked deep into his yellow eyes.
"Your eyes were so brown before and now they're lighter. They're more gorgeous this way."
"That's kind of racist." He countered.
"Huh? How is? I just think the color yellow is better than brown."
"That's still kind of-, yellow is not better than brown, brown, BROWN. I'm sorry, I have to leave." He said with effort, as if he held something in, and quickly left.
"Did he have to go poop?" She murmured to herself as she put in her stuff in her locker.
Then Edward saves Bella from being crushed by two cars and shit like that. Then he threatens her and forces her to thank him, which then she feels flattered and totally not find him rude at all and only sexy for being so strong to stop a van.
Meyer's descriptions scream "Intelligence" and yet we see "Submission" blaring in neon signs at the top of her head. You don't see it? Then you must be a Twilight fan.
It's an ability only antis have the privilege to possess.
Moving on.
Edward and Bella are in class, inside a plant house. They have a perfect opportunity to talk and get to know each other better, and Bella finds out one thing; he's equivalent to a woman PMSing.
"WATCH WHERE THE FUCK YOU WALK! YOU'RE AN EMBARRASSMENT TO MY PRESENCE!"
Then he kept talking and talking and talking and talking to her, without her initiative. They later walk to the bus. Edward caught up with her.
"Bella, we shouldn't be friends. Stay away from me."
Pause for realization.
"So you mean we were friends to begin with?" Bella asked. "In my mind, you also use them to your own benefits. I haven't seen you do any of that. Anyway, will you tell me how you defeated Evil Lord Van?"
"You know I can't tell you that. It will reveal my true colors."
"No, I mean, what steroids do you use?"
"I can't tell you that either. Man, you're annoying! Because you keep talking to me, I won't let you come onboard this bus with me!" He pointed and went on the bus with his creepyass family.
Unimportant stuff happens, blah blah, like Bella almost getting gang raped, and blah blah. He saves her and then they go to a restaurant without telling her father what almost happened to her.
"How did you know where I was?" Bella asks.
"Besides reading the movie script, I didn't know. But I could hear their thoughts, meaning I knew where you were anyway!"
"Wait…you hear their thoughts? I don't find the news very shocking despite it being of the psychic and supernatural culture for some reason!"
"Um, yeah. I can read everyone's mind. But not yours; probably because the power of your blandness is creating a barrier to your mind. So I will never know what sort of thoughts lie within." Edward claimed.
"You sure there are no other reasons?" Bella asked, confused and wary.
"I first assumed you might just be an airhead, which is a simpler and more logic conclusion, but that sort of plot is not as romantic. Also, my mind-reading abilities are much less suspicious than my super strength, so it's okay to tell you about this."
"You're hot, so I totally buy anything you say." Bella assured.
"Wow, each second I get to know you, you're making me reconsider my first guess. But that's alright, I find you attractive somehow anyway. If this movie isn't promoting sexism, I don't know what it does."
Later Bella does some google researches on psychics, and eventually comes across a vampire article. Everything she read didn't really sound like Edward, but then she realized she was reading a real, mythological article on vampires. So she went to another article named "Meyerpires" and bam, jackpot.
She decided to confront him on this issue the next day.
Next day…
"Adonis, I saw what you did. I know what you are!" Bella threatened.
"If you're trying to invoke paranoia it's not working. Besides, why are you turned away from me?"
"Because I know of your origin, I need to stay as unguarded as possible. But don't worry, this won't be the last time you see me reckless." Bella explained.
"Point taken." He said monotonously. "Now, what am I, miss Smartypants?"
Silence, and Bella does more annoying mouth-breathing and Edward staring at her like a pedophile.
"SAY IT. SAY IT, BITCH, SAY IT. I'M UNABLE TO SPEAK FOR MYSELF IN THIS REGARD. WHAT AM I? SAY IT, SAY IT OUT LOUD, SAY IT, SAY IT, SAY-"
"You're a vmmmmphhh!" The cameraman shoved his camera right up her freaking nose, making it impossible to speak. Her drool was stained on it and the camera man dropped it in horror, before fetching a fire thrower and burning it up. Cue new camera on scene.
"I think I know what you said, since I can speak vmpphh-nese. But really, vampire? That's not flattering. Couldn't you at least have guessed 'Lex Luthor'?"
"I'm not afraid of you. I feel so safe near you even if you could claw my intestines out right here."
"I want to eat you, too. Literally, I mean."
"I love you, stranger."
"Then I might accept you. Hybristophilia gets me hot." He forced her on his back. "Let's skip school for the sake of pointlessly running around the forest to give the girls in the audience ideas to pester their boyfriends to give them back-rides later."
"Later?" Boyfriends (in audience) who were getting pulled and dragged asked.
Edward carries Bella up to a mountain hill where the sun sparkles, and the corniest moment in all of paranormal romance ensues…
"I must show you something. Now, this is the skin of a killer, Bella!" Edward roars as he rips open his coat. And predictably, his skin sparkles. There was a long, lingering moment of silence. Then Bella spoke.
"…can I call you Tinkerbell instead?"
They lay in a grass for a full minute which can be skipped, because obviously you would need a break from the IQ dropping.
Bella visits Edward's family and they instantly adore her, except for Rosalie, because she has the last shred of common sense left, it seems.
"We're cooking food for you Bella. Yeah, we still have a kitchen consume space despite the fact we aren't using it in general and could use the space for something more useful. Don't ask why." Esme said.
"Hi, Bella, nice to meet you. I think you're a bitch." Rosalie choked her anger. "I don't know you but I still think you're a bitch, and I will always hate you because you are a horrible person."
"Hi, Bella, you're so beautiful and we're gonna be great friends. I don't know you, but I completely rely on my future visions that you're a wonderful person." Alice said, awkwardly hugging Bella.
"Hmmm…are you sure it's not Rosalie who's the fortune teller?" Bella asked, confused.
Bella and Edward proceed to do useless stuff to drag out the movie. The boys in the audience see Edward trying to be all sorts of awesome, but since he's a pedophile and attracted to Bella for no reason at all, he's automatically in the fictional criminal records, forever deemed lame. Instead they scream things like: "Rainbow Dash would kick Edward Cullen's ass!"
Bella almost talks about sex with her mother on the phone, but she's interrupted by Edward just fucking standing there.
"HOLY SHIT! If you weren't so hot, I would arrest you! Where did you come from?!" Bella screamed.
"What the heck does it look like I'm doing; I'm trespassing. Also, I cut the phone lines so you can't arrest me for those charges."
"I wasn't going to in the first place. I mean, Oh my God, you're so hot. Something so hot shouldn't be put in jail." She inverted the classical assumption (something so hot should be in jail).
"Not even if I'm a pedophilic abuser?"
"Especially if you're a pedophilic abuser. That means I can be with something so sexy!"
"Then I can say this too; I like watching you sleep."
"OMG! The sex-o-meter is spiking off the charts!"
"And I want to kiss you!"
It takes 30 seconds for Edward to come closer to Bella and that also means that the boys in audience avoid looking at the movie screen.
They kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss.
"And…and…I want to do you!" Edward erupts.
"…what? But according to the script, you're the one stopping it from happening!" Bella cleared up.
"What?! Hey, who wrote this shit?!" Edward yelled indignantly.
The scene gets a do-over, thanks to Robert Pattinson's inability to read scripts.
"Do me. Do me. Do me. Do me. Do me. Do me. Do me. Do me. Do me. Do me. Do me. Do me. Do me. Do me. Do me. Do me. Do me. Do me. Do me. Do me. Do me. Do me. Do me. Do me. Do me." Bella said emotionlessly.
"Hmm…I get this vague feeling that you want me to have sex with you. Is that it?" Edward asked.
"You bet your hot stuff, Tinky. How 'bout it?" Bella drooled.
"Heck, no!" Edward flies off the bed like a boss and lands against the wall. "I'm not paying for any house repairs!"
"Then we do it outside." Bella drooled.
"Heck, no! I hate heterosexual sex with female body parts!" Edward protested.
"Ok, fine then! Hot jerk." Bella drooled.
The next day Edward wants to meet Bella's dad Charlie, who, like Rosalie, seems to have a small shred of common sense left, since he wants to shoot Edward for being a creep.
"Dad, I respect that you feel protective and all, but if you shoot him in the dick I will never forgive you!"
"Okay, I won't. Can I shoot him in the foot?"
"Yeah, alright. Just don't shoot him in the goods! They're important to me!"
"Alright, fine. I'm just gonna pretend that he's alright, just for you."
"Great. Now can you stop being such a loser for five seconds when he meets you?"
"I don't think I need to even try."
Edward comes in to meet Bella's dad, and they have a polite conversation, but Bella still thinks it goes horribly wrong because of her seemingly perfectionistic attitude.
"Bella's gonna play vamp- I mean, normal baseball with me and my mysterious family, and yes, it's as stupid as it sounds."
"Stupid or not, if it means I can be rid of Kristen's blank acting for just a small period, knock yourselves out. And Bella," Charlie turns to said person, "bring the pepper spray."
"Daaaaaaad, stop embarrassing me, I don't need this, I finally got a man who's not you!"
"But what if he's using you? You know, controls you and tells you what to do?"
Bella gasps.
"HOW DARE YOU EVEN SUGGEST SUCH A THING! GOSH DARN, THAT'S THE STUPIDEST…I HOPE I NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN!" Bella said in the most dramatic tone she could muster, which was still relatively emotionless. Outside Edward is waiting for her.
"Bella, do exactly as I say: wear this incredibly stupid baseball cap and also follow my exact orders from now on to the rest of your life."
"Anything for you, my sex god."
They go to engage in baseball with the Cullen family. Bella can't really join in on the real fun since she's an inferior human, but she's there anyway. Don't ask.
Suddenly they're interrupted by pompous vampires who are just there for no reason. So, matching Bella's presence, I guess.
"Hello, we want to join."
"For some reason, we badly want to tell you to go fuck yourselves, but ok then. It's not like there's someone we are trying to protect here." Carlisle said. "Wait…oops."
Bella gasps at this. "This is the first day of my life no one priorities me! I WANT TO DIE! KILL ME NOW!"
Edward turns to Bella. "But there really is no one to protect. The power of your god-made blandness will protect you."
"Oh, yeah, I forgot." Bella smacked her forehead.
James can smell Bella's blood, but only through the wind. Worst vampire power ever.
"Hmm, you smell delicious. How about I prove your theory bullshit right now?" He grins and tries to attack Bella. The Cullens make corny snake noises like children on Halloween, protecting the millstone.
"Can I say it now? Pwease?" Carlisle asked the other Cullens. They nodded. He grinned and turned to the trio again. "Go fuck yourselves."
"Ffffffffiiiiiiiineeee." James whined. "But we're gonna pursue the very same human for no reason. Just you wait…for no reason!" Then they left.
Edward and Bella are in a car. Bella wanted to drive but instantly succumbed when Edward told her to shut up.
Edward worriedly spoke as he drove.
"James is gonna murder you, Bella! You're in so much danger, OMG!"
"But what if he finds another human instead and we can move on?"
"Okay, that logic has just so many flaws. Flaw #1: YOU'RE MAKING SENSE! Flaw #2: He wont find another human because you're the non-flawed protagonist and he wants YOU! Flaw #3: You're gonna have to tell your father that you hate him! Because DRAMA!" He explained.
"I already did that when we left home-"
"No, this is PLOT-RELEVANT!"
"Oh." Edward drives into to the parking lot by their house.
"So you go girl, tell the fuck out of his spirit! I'll just sit here and listen to Taylor Swift."
Bella goes to tell Charlie that he's a total suck as a father.
"Dad, I hate you. I love Edward. We're gonna run away together."
"Oh, I see. Well, good luck."
"Wait, you're not mad?" Bella asked, baffled.
"Nah, I'll just take this as the teen-aged rage rant of the year. You'll be back in a few days and probably dump that creepy boy. You know, as it usually goes. Have fun!"
"Oh, you don't know? I end up marrying him and leave you for mortality."
"…Note to self: Bribe Catherine Hardwicke before young teenage girls' ambitions look worse."
Bella leaves for Edward's car.
Laurent and Victoria try to calm an apeshit James.
"Come on, James, there are plenty of humans out there to let us feed." Laurent assured.
"No! I only want a human if she's bland and her name is Bella! WAAAH!" He cried like a baby.
"Shut up, James, or I will read you the story of Dracula!" Victoria threatened.
"NO, PLEASE DON'T! I'll be a good boy!...you monster."
"Speaking of which, Dracula getting scared of our opposition and vice versa suddenly makes sense!" Laurent said.
A lot of stupid things happens and Bella's absent idiocy summoned her to a non-suspicious house with non-suspicious mirrors decorated all over with a non-suspicious broken record…maybe Bella could get the hint and turn back –oop. 'Tell, don't show' intelligence. Forgot.
The power of vampire subversion suddenly breaks all spirits of vampire fans in the audience as they cry hard to James appearing in every mirror.
"I will now have you, you piece of suck!" James shrieked and took out a video camera, because bloodthirst equals sociopathy.
"Haha, good one."
James tortures Bella in such a manner that boys in audience almost DOESN'T enjoy it, while girls in audience cringes.
Edward breaks onto the scene and beats the stuffing out of James, but suddenly sucks at fighting and then suddenly doesn't suck.
As Bella got bit dog-style by James and Edward flies like motherflucking Superman onto James, their fight quickly ends because Edward and James fly like matrix in space and Edward beats him up. He notices Bella having seizure like spasms on the floor. Edward cries.
"Nooo, Bella! For some reason only I can suck the venom out of you and no one else, so I have to do it!"
"And it's I and no one else who has to rip the head off an immortal vampire for trying to kill a human when he has done that a thousand times before!" Alice exclaims and does that.
"Wait, how does any of this make any sense?" The other Cullens say.
Edward points to the exit.
"You make sense and you GTFO."
Bella is taken to the hospital, and when she wakes up, her mom is right in her damn face.
"Hi, baby. Since you were treated to all sorts of mishaps, like falling down the stairs by yourself, I've decided that your dad is incapable of taking care of you so you'll move back in with me. You'll get your own bathroom and stuff, so you'll be treated like a princess."
"Mom, NO! I want to live here with my boyfriend! Screw you and your shit!"
"Okay, fine. But you're missing out on the Jacuzzi with vibrating seats."
Mom leaves and Edward who was sleeping wakes up.
"I thought vampires never slept." Bella said.
"How many times do I have to tell you? STOP MAKING SENSE!"
"Alright, alright, jeez. So how did it go with that weirdo, anyway?"
"We killed that meanie. Now he won't bother you again."
"The first line was enough." Bella said sarcastically.
"Also, I should stay away from you from now on. For the better good."
"No. Don't ever leave me. You'll always be mine. Stay with me forever and ever and ever, stranger. Stay with me and we will induce more problems because of me being a danger magnet."
"Okay. At least I have a personal slav- I mean, a girlfriend I can cont-LOVE." Edward said.
They go to the prom to emphasize the romantic plot tumor. The girls in audience make their boyfriends watch the dance scene for solid six minutes and that's almost enough for them to rip off their hair and chew up their popcorn bags.
"Oh, God. Glad that shit's over." Boys in audience said.
"You're kidding? There are four more movies to go!" Girls in audience giggles.
"Not if we die first!" Boys in audience yell before jumping off a nearby cliff.
END
A/N: So what do you think? Say whatever you want, I'll listen. :) I worked on this for two months so, keep that fresh in mind ;)
Have a good night!