January
If I knew it was going to end the way it did I never would have agreed to dinner with him. He was a mystery to me and I needed to know him in order to validate my skills. It was stupid to think that the chemistry between us wouldn't destroy us. I knew it was risky but I was willing to take the risk in order to reassure myself.
"Javi is everything ok?" he asked.
I wanted to answer him but the words got caught in my throat. With a measly nod he let the subject drop. If it were possible I would have shrunk myself into nothing so I didn't ruin the night anymore. But I had to deal with it just as anyone else would have.
"Why did you agree to dinner? You don't seem to be having a good time," he mused.
"I am having a good time Spence, I'm just trying not to mess this up. The chemistry between us is ridiculous and I want this, us, to work," I answered.
A smile crossed his lips as he took a sip of his wine. The mood became less stuffy and more relaxed as we both stopped trying so hard.
February
The snow on the ground made the park look whimsical. We all had the day off as the plane would not fly and there were no cases close by that needed us. We decided to go out and have a snowball fight. It was amazing to be kids again especially in our line of work. Sometimes it was hard to remember that there was more to life than saving everyone else's.
"Hey!" Penelope called throwing a snowball at my back.
I turned to face her with one in my hand. She ducked and I ended up hitting Spencer with it causing everyone to laugh at his surprise.
"Come on genius get your head out of the clouds. This is war!" I yelled jokingly.
A few hours later I was curled up on my couch with a cup of coffee. The book I was reading was removed from my lap and my coffee was moved to the table. Spencer straddled my lap and tilted my head up to steal a kiss. His hands still cold from the snowball war slid under my shirt causing me to squeal in protest.
"I love the noises you make," Spencer said against my neck.
I laughed and shoved him over backwards so I could climb on top of him. It didn't take us long to warm up although the pot of coffee had gone cold by the time I went back for another cup.
March
I needed to feel his arms around me, to comfort me and tell me that things were going to be ok. We were fine for a few hours but all good things must end. The joy and happiness had faded away when I winced as he squeezed me too tightly hugging me good bye. I knew what was going to happen but I couldn't stop it. Neither of us could have even though we both tried.
"Careful Spence," I groaned as he loosened his grip.
"Well if you hadn't jumped in front of his bullet you wouldn't be in pain," Spencer said back.
"Would you have preferred to shoot him? I'm sorry if I didn't want to see another dead body. I have a limit and I think five was pushing it," I gritted my teeth.
"He could have killed you!"
"I didn't want to see him die! And I'm fine. It's just a graze. If I knew you would start this shit I would have not said anything!" I cried.
"You were being reckless!" Spencer barked at me.
I rolled my eyes and went to shove past him but he caught me by my arm. His grip tightened as I struggled against him.
"Spencer let me go!" I yelled.
He spun me so we were facing each other. The anger on his face only fueled mine and we were about to have a fight.
"What did you think you were doing out there?"
"My job Spencer! I get paid to talk people down and try to save every life. I'm sorry if you would rather have shot him dead but I actually value the concept of life!" I shot vehemently.
"What the fuck does that mean?"
"It means that you have no qualms shooting anyone in your way. You pull that thing all willy-nilly like it solves everything. Well I don't feel that way! I knew I could get through to him and I wasn't about to let you kill someone just because you can. He'll get his day. Shooting him would have been letting him off easy and that I was not willing to do," I seethed.
"You could have gotten yourself killed! Are you aware of the fact that he had his gun trained on you? Do you even care?" Spencer shouted.
"It's my life Spencer and if I want to put myself in harm's way then you're just going to have to deal with it because you don't control me. You can't and I won't let you. I'm not that kind of girl so if that's what you want then we have no business being together," I threw at him.
"I'm not trying to control you Javi. I'm trying to keep you alive as long as possible so I can spend all the time I can with you!" he yelled.
"It's not your job to do that! It's your job to be there for me. You are in my life because I choose to let you be there. All I need from you is a fuck and an ear every now and then. There are no other requirements there Spencer. I don't need a body guard or a supervisor!"
"Nice to know I'm nothing but a toy for you to play with," he came back.
"Stop I didn't mean it like that," I tried.
"No you did. And you're right. Maybe this isn't working, maybe I'm not supposed to be in your life," he sighed in defeat.
"Then I guess we're done here," I said finally taking my leave.
April
I felt lonely without Spencer by my side. We still maintained a good working relationship. I knew he had my back and he knew I had his. The trust was still there even if the love wasn't. But thousands of relationships ended every day and I had no right to wallow in self-pity when I'm the one who originally told him to get lost. It was hard seeing him every day and knowing that we would never be going home together again. That we had let our one and only fight end us. But it was done and we were nothing but colleagues.
May
Tears filled my eyes as reality knocked me to the ground. My worst nightmare was coming true and I had no one to blame but myself. Just when things were starting to get better they had to get ruined again.
"Fuck!" I shouted as I threw things around the house.
A knock on the door pulled me away from breaking every fragile item I owned. My neighbor stood on the other side. I shot him the meanest look I could muster before almost literally growling at him.
"What do you want!" I said through my teeth.
"I uh, I heard the commotion and thought the worst. You know with you being a FBI agent and all. I thought maybe someone was trying to kill you," he said nervously.
"Well I'm fine so you can go now!" I said slamming the door in his face.
I realized that being angry wouldn't solve anything to I did the next best thing. I called Penelope. She would have the answers I needed and comfort me at the same time.
June
"Hotch we need to talk," I said slipping into his office.
I looked down at the bull pen through his window. If I had any less self-control I would have burst into tears. They wouldn't have helped the situation but it might have made me feel better about what I was about to admit.
"I kind of have a problem," I said slowly placing myself into a chair in front of his desk.
"The kind of problem you need my help with?" he asked confused.
"Not exactly but it's the kind of problem you should know about," I said trying not to admit it.
"Javi this little game is getting us nowhere. But since I can see you're having trouble with this I'll take the bait. Is this the kind of problem where I need to make you disappear for a certain amount of time? Is it the kind of problem in which I need to relive you of your job? Or is it the kind of problem that will require you to need some time off?" he asked with a sigh.
"I will need time off but not right now. But I need to be taken out of the field. I can still fly and go on cases but I need to be benched for a while," I answered.
"Are you going to tell me why?" he asked.
"I can't right now. I haven't even told myself yet but I'll come to terms with it eventually and then I'll let you know," I assured him.
He nodded and agreed to let me still work just not in the field. As I left Hotch's office I felt everyone's eyes on me. They had all noticed a change in me but couldn't pin why. I wasn't going to tell them. They'd find out soon enough. I wouldn't be able to hide it from them for long.
"Is everything alright?" Emily asked.
"No," I sighed.
"Is there anything we can do?" Derek asked.
"Build a time machine and keep me from succumbing to my own stupidity," I said dropping my head to my desk.
"What does that mean?" Spencer asked.
"It means I'm an idiot and I should have known better."
July
"Oh my god!" Emily gasped.
I looked up from my files and watched as shock took over her face. I gave her a questioning look as she gaped at me.
"No," she said.
I realized that she'd caught on and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. It was getting too hard to hide my secret from them. I wasn't ready to tell them and I still hadn't let the reality of it sink in. There wasn't much time left before I would have to face reality I was just hoping I'd have more time to figure out how to tell everyone.
"Em please not here, not now," I pleaded.
She gave me a sympathetic look instantly getting what I was telling her. The sadness in her eyes stayed until the end of the day. I stood quietly and Emily grabbed me in a hug. I felt the tears in my eyes but I couldn't let them fall. She held me tighter as my body quivered with unshed tears.
Spencer was the first to leave for the day and I knew it was my chance. He would need to know but I would tell him in private when I was ready to let him know. I made my way to the upper level to talk to Hotch and David.
"Hey Hotch can we have in impromptu in the round table? I need to tell you all something," I asked solemnly.
I asked the same of David and Penelope. Derek and Emily saw the others move to the conference room and everyone was there when I arrived. They could all see the tears in my eyes as I stood in front of them. No one said anything but they all gave me encouraging looks.
"What's the matter Javi?" David asked.
I looked at him and tried to smile but it caused the tears to fall from my eyes.
"I asked Hotch a few months ago to desk me but I didn't tell him why because I hadn't come to terms with it. It is still tender and raw so I don't really want to explain any further than what I say. You can ask a few questions but I don't want the third degree or an interrogation," I began.
"Jay you're starting to scare us," Derek spoke up.
I looked up to the ceiling using the trick I learned as a child to stop the tears. As long as I looked up and not at anyone I could make it through my confession.
"I'm pregnant. Five months," I said closing my eyes.
I heard their jaws drop and the almost felt as they all gasped. Their reaction was what I expected. Out of all the women that had been part of our team I was definitely the least maternal and was even voted least likely to ever be a mother at one point.
"Jesus what a relief. I noticed some weight gain and was going to suggest we hit the gym together. I guess I'm just glad you didn't let go of yourself when you and," Derek froze mid-sentence.
"Yea its Spencer's too," I answered his unasked question.
"Have you told him?" Hotch asked.
"Not yet. I will I just need to get the courage to do it first. So if you all wouldn't mind keeping this between us for a few days I would really appreciate it."
August
Another month gone meant another month closer to birth. I was absolutely terrified of the birthing process. Being a mother was something I never wanted to do and I felt like it was being thrust upon me. there was so much I was unsure about but I knew I needed to tell Spencer before it was too late.
"Hey Spencer can you come over tonight?" I asked.
He looked at me skeptically but nodded. I knew he wanted to ask me why but he knew I wouldn't answer him. When I returned to my desk Derek was there to pull me into a hug. They all knew how afraid I was of being a mother but I knew they would all be there to help me every step of the way.
I sat waiting nervously looking at the clock every few seconds. Spencer would arrive soon and I wasn't at all prepared to tell him what he needed to know. It was surprising he hadn't figured it out but then again, we usually only saw each other when I was sitting down and because of my baggy clothing the bump was hidden. The knock at the door broke me from my thoughts. Spencer looked unsure of himself as I let him into my house. He looked around before following me into the living room.
"I'm kind of confused as to why you asked me over," Spencer admitted.
"I've been keeping a secret from you," I choked.
"A good or bad secret?" he asked.
"I'm not sure. That's why I asked you here," I said.
"Well are you going to tell me or are we going to play this game all night?" he asked not meaning to be as harsh as he had been.
I toyed with the hem of my shirt willing myself to just tell him before things got even more heated. He saw the tears in my eyes and stood apologizing. I backed away from him as he stepped closer to me.
"I'm sorry Vee. I didn't mean to be rude," he said.
"It's not that. I'm just nervous," I confessed.
"What for?" he asked.
"Of everything. Spence I want you to know that what I'm about to tell you doesn't have to change anything. But you need to know. I should have told you first months ago but I was in denial. I didn't want it to be real but I can't deny it anymore. And we're running out of time," I tried.
He reached out for me. I held my hands out to stop him.
"Are you dying?" he asked.
"Quite the opposite actually. I'm pregnant," I said trying not to sob.
Spencer shot up and backed away from me like I'd just hit him with a cattle prod. He backed away with a look of horror and pain on his face. All the fear I'd felt before doubled at his reaction.
"Why are you telling me this? Is this your way of telling me that I never mattered to you? You're sick Javi," Spencer spat.
Realization dawned and I suddenly understood his reactions. I reached for him as I tried to stand. The gentleman in him wouldn't allow me to struggle and with mixed emotions he walked back over to me. I pulled him down onto the couch with me and grabbed his face so he could see the honesty in my eyes.
"You were everything Spencer. I let you slip away because I was afraid of what would happen somewhere down the line. I pushed you away to see if you would fight to stay around and when you let me shove you out the door I realized that I made a mistake. But if you were so eager to leave then maybe I did us both a favor pushing.
"I'm not telling you this to rub it in your face. There isn't anyone else in my life and you're not as smart as you claim if you think I'd be that cruel to you. The baby is yours Spencer. It's ours," I admitted.
"How long have you known?" he asked.
"Since May," I answered.
"And you're just telling me now!" he shouted.
I recoiled away from him. The anger wasn't an unexpected event I had just hoped that he would have proved me wrong. He had every right to be angry though.
"I know I should have told you when I found out but I wasn't ready to come to terms with it yet. You know me Spence, being a parent wasn't even on my list of things to do. This is the scariest thing that could ever happen to me and I needed time. Maybe this wasn't the right way to go about it but at least I told you before it was born," I explained.
"You needed time?" he asked incredulously.
"You have every right to be mad at me and you can doubt me if you want but this wasn't cakes and rainbows for me. I'm having a really hard time with this by myself. I didn't want anyone to know because I knew there would be jabs on my parental skills and I really don't need that. I'm worried enough as it is and going as far as I have alone was what I felt was best for me. You aren't the pregnant on Spencer. You're not carrying the baby and you don't have to birth it, I do and I had to do what was best for me," I continued.
"I'm sorry for the jab. This is just so shocking," Spencer sighed.
I don't own CM or it's characters. But oh boy if I did.