Death followed Dean everywhere he went nothing he tried stopped it. It was almost as if it was stalking him, taunting him. Staring at the impala as he covered it with a sheet in Lisa's garage, he felt a slice of himself die, a part of him laid to rest. Gone was Dean the hunter, in his place was Dean, dutiful lover and surrogate father.
Taking a seat in the garage, he stared at the dark sheet covering his baby, his mind rolling over everyone he had been around that had died. There was his mother, ok he knew it wasn't his fault, it was the yellow-eyed demon who caused it. A desire for Sammy to join his demon army. Dean's body crumpled slightly at the thought of Sam…no he couldn't think of him, not just yet! He had only been young but losing his mother had left its mark on Dean and his soul. He found days where he wanted her to be around so he could hug her, when Castiel had sent him back in time, which had been amazing for him. He got a chance to meet her, get to know her properly before coming back to his own time.
Then there was Jess, again he knew it wasn't his fault and he hardly knew the girl but she had made Sam happy and that was what counted to him. So many times, he wished that they had gotten back to Sam's a little early; maybe they could have saved her from their mother's fate. Maybe then Sam could have stayed with her, lived a normal life instead of what happened to him. Wiping a stray tear away, he chugged from his bottle as he continued working through his list of death.
His mind turned to Layla Rourke, who he met when Roy Le Grange healed him. If she wasn't already dead, she would be on the way with the brain tumour she was suffering. He had always felt a great deal of guilt when it came to Layla, he had been healed instead of her, he had stopped her from having a perfectly healthy life. Part of him knew he was being ridiculous with his guilt over Layla, he couldn't have stopped Roy from healing him but he always thought she should have been picked over him.
Then there was his dad, the one that near broke him. His life saved again through supernatural means but this time at the expense of his dad's soul. This was something that he had never accepted even nearly four years later. His father had gone to hell just for him, he knew that John Winchester was anything but a saint but he was a good father when he was around. Sam and him had their up's and down's but Dean, he felt differently, everything his father taught him shaped him into the man he is now. Knowing his father managed to get out of hell was a relief, something he could feel less guilty for. Nevertheless, day after day, he missed John, missed being able to talk to him, give him a hug if he wanted. There were times he found himself locking the bathroom door and weeping for his father.
Next on his list, Madison…again he felt that he should have done something more to save the young woman, give Sam a chance at being happy. He hated thinking back to the day when he had stood in her kitchen just waiting when he heard the shot, tears falling from his eyes as his brother killed her. A little piece of Sam had broken that day, it was a guilt he carried around, much like he did with Jess.
As time passed on, he felt his skin thickening only a few people able to penetrate his shell, he built a defence mechanism so that the death that followed him wouldn't affect him. It had been going so well until he saw Gabriel fall at Lucifer's feet. The angel had driven him insane, especially in his trickster character but there was no doubt that he was entertaining, he had a humour that Dean found he could appreciate. When he had cornered Gabriel, he really believed that the angel would run but he surprised him by standing up to his brother. Dean had felt a wave of admiration as he watched Gabriel go face to face with Lucifer, no fear showing as he refused to stand by his brother, his only concern being humanity. It was in that instant that Dean had felt drawn to the angel. Out of everything, they were trying to fight against; it had been humanity that prompted him to stand with the Winchester brothers. Regret had torn through his body as he watched Gabriel fall, his wings burned into the floor where he fell…gone forever. Sam and Dean had been left with an overwhelming sadness as they watched Gabriel die in front of them.
The next on Dean's list was right up there with his father in the despair list though not quite as bad. It had been watching Castiel die standing up to Lucifer. His body ripped apart to the point where Dean had pulled Castiel's teeth from his hair. He had always had a bond with the angel even though he constantly tried to deny it, try to rebel against his saviour. They had eventually moved from a hostile relationship to a friendly one with Dean trying to humanise the angel. He counted him as family and with him gone; a little piece of Dean disappeared.
Lifting the bottle back to his lips, he gulped the beer as he considered the last person on his list, the one that truly broke Dean, left him a broken man. Without thinking, he launched the bottle at the wall, watching as it smashed, the beer running down the wall. It was destroyed, destined to drip onto the floor, no real purpose left in life now…much like how Dean felt now. Sammy he thought, pain hammering into his gut as he thought about his brother. Sam had died once before when they had been trying to stop the yellow-eyed demon, Jake stabbing him in the back when Sam turned towards Dean. He had seen the light go out in Sam's eyes as he fell, Dean grabbing his brother into his arms as he tried to stem the blood flow. He had felt his brother's body go slack in his arms, unable to accept it, he had went to the crossroads demon to make a deal, he brought Sam back to him. If only he could do it again…if only! The second time he watched Sam die was only a few months ago, the same time as Castiel. Lucifer possessed Sam, determined on ending the world; he cut down anyone in his way. Dean had suffered a beating as his brother's hands when something filtered through, Sam came back very briefly. He managed to open the cage throwing himself into it to lock Lucifer away for good. As soon as the crack in the earth closed itself, Dean had fallen to the ground, tears falling from his cheeks to the grass as he realised Sam was gone for good. Finally, death had taken away the one person that mattered most to him.
Getting up from his seat, he walked back towards the impala and laid his hand on her bonnet. Maybe now death would stop following him, he could try be normal…he had tried, he had promised Sam that much. Fixing the sheet, he walked to the door giving one last glance at his past life before turning off the light and closing the door on all the death that had plagued him over the years.