Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize…
A/N: Well, I think I had too much free time on my hands this week because I had some not 'my usual style' plot ideas. This is one of them. I think this is the fluffiest thing I've ever written; I hope you'll like it.
As always my endless thank you goes to Tiana-P who's more enthusiastic about my crazy plots than a squad of cheerleaders and never let me dismiss any of my McKono ideas. Even if they are as awfully romcom and lame as this one.
Tell me what you think!
They are on a stakeout together, which is such a rare occasion that they are still a little stunned over the fact that they managed to pull it off.
Okay, the whole truth is that when Chin suggested to run surveillance on their suspect Steve immediately glanced at her and since she's fluent in McGarrett eyebrow-trashtalk they called dibs in unison while they were already on their way towards the parking lot.
It's not that they don't like working with their partners but being trapped in a car for hours with them is just something else.
Danny can't keep his mouth shut to save his life and he always bitching about something, which is actually quite amusing when you have an escape route but not so much when the only way you can make it stop is to strangle him with his own tie. Not to mention his awful taste in music and his constant need to abuse the radio's buttons, driving Steve batshit in the process.
Chin is the total opposite of Danny, he can sit in perfect silence for hours and there are times when Kono's itching to press her fingers on his wrist to check for a pulse. His silence is heavy and fills the small space of the car, bordering on suffocating if she's in the wrong mood. She likes being quiet but with Chin she just wants to sing along the radio, very off-key, until one of them snaps.
That's why they are sitting in his truck together, keeping an eye on the suspect's house while discussing BASE jumping techniques and they are in the middle of an argument about using wingsuits over parachutes when Kono's phone rings.
"Hi, Mom." Kono says cheerfully.
Steve looks out of the side window because he wants give some privacy but you can't really do that in a car but he tries it anyway.
"No." Kono sighs, pressing her palm against her forehead. "Please, Mom, we talked about this before. I don't wanna go on another blind date."
She glances at Steve from the corner of her eye and he wears an expression that could mean that either he finds the window very fascinating or he just tries not to laugh at her misery. Asshole.
"Why?" Her voice gets a note higher in irritation. "I tell you why. Because I, uh, I'm actually seeing someone."
Now that earns a curious and somewhat tense look from Steve.
"Yeah, I'm with him at the moment." She rushes out the words because she can't lie to her mother for long. She's vaguely aware of the strangled sound Steve makes beside her, like he's choking on something. "No, I won't bring him home for dinner this week. Look, I'm gonna hang up now so we can start making babies right away. I love you. Bye."
She ends the call with a deep sigh, tossing the phone on the dashboard.
"Having fun?" She snaps irritably.
"Not anymore." He frowns, turning towards her with a hint of concern on his face. "Wanna talk about it?"
"Seriously?" Kono huffs out a laugh.
"Why not?" Steve grins. "I developed great listening skills beside Danny."
"Okay," She says slowly like she doesn't believe him. "Mom has this bad habit, setting up blind dates for me with successful but equally boring men."
"But you said that you are seeing someone." Steve looks at her seriously.
"That was a lie, obviously." She rolls her eyes and he can hear the unsaid idiot too. "Come on, brah, I said I was going to have sex too but as far as I can tell I'm sitting in a car with you so I don't think that's gonna happen either."
"Yeah, well, uh," Steve stammers, averting his gaze. The air suddenly gets thick and heavy around him. "That means you still, uh, coming over for the Die Hard marathon, right?"
"Of course." She grins, relaxing back into her seat. "I can't wait to point out why John McClane is more badass than you."
.
.
Steve forgets about the whole conversation, okay, that's a total lie; he just tries to push it back behind the line of professional boundaries, unsuccessfully, until Kono walks into his office a week later.
"Hey," she greets him with a frown. "I have to cancel our movie night."
"Oh, okay." he says, feeling a little disappointed. "Everything's alright?"
"Not so much." Kono leans heavily against the doorframe. "Mom invited me and my boyfriend over dinner, so I have to tell her the truth."
"That sucks."
"The worst thing is, other than lying to my mother, that now I have to go on awful dates again."
"I could help." Steve blurts out before he can think it through properly and he hopes he doesn't look as horrified as he feels.
"What?"
"I mean, I can go with you." He says tentatively because he can't back out of this without making a major ass out of himself. "Think about it as an undercover mission."
"No." Kono shakes her head, looking at him like he's crazy. "No, thanks."
"Why?" He looks at her offended.
"Because you are not my boyfriend. Because you are my boss." Kono lists the reason, counting them on her fingers. "Because this is crazier than the stunt we pulled with the boats last week."
"Okay." He shrugs, trying to act nonchalant about it. "Maybe it was a bad idea."
"Yeah, it was." She agrees.
"Rain check on the movie night, then?" He asks.
Kono zones out for a bit, thinking about how much she wants to watch all the Lethal Weapon movies with Steve, pointing out that him and Danny are basically Riggs and Murtough, instead of going over to her mom's and explain her nonexistent love life.
Wait, she isn't thinking about…oh, God, she totally is.
Danny was right; Steve's irrationality is contagious.
Fuck her life.
"You know what," She looks at him thoughtfully. "Maybe it's not a bad idea after all."
Steve tries not to choke on his next breath or look too eager because that would be very humiliating and it's not like that they are going on a real date or anything. It's just a dinner with Kono's mom. Where he's going to pretend that he is her boyfriend.
God, he's such an idiot.
.
.
Steve knocks on her door, shifting his weight from one foot to another, he doesn't know why he is so nervous, it's not a real date after all but his palms are sweating so he wipes them on his black slacks and tugs at the open collar of his dark green shirt.
The door opens and he finds himself ten kinds of speechless.
She wears a white dress with a modest neckline and sleeves that stop above her elbows, the whole thing is very simple but it makes her skin glow and her eyes are more whorling dark than before. He swallows hard when something heavy coils in his stomach and he suddenly has a burning desire to fall to his knees and find religion under the thin material while pressing his mouth against her and losing himself in the process at the same time.
Kono stares at him, and she thinks that the man standing before her with a bouquet of lilies is such a contradiction, like the whole it's not fifty, it's five-o thing, confusing at first but so fascinating to figure it out and she always had a thing for puzzles. It's really a shame that this isn't a real date because who knew that under the layers of Kevlar and cargo pants there's a hopeless romantic. She has to stop herself before she makes the mistake of dragging him to her bedroom by the collar of his shirt to find out what else he's hiding.
.
The car ride, for the first time since they started to work together, is awkward, filled with uncomfortable silence and she doesn't know why his close proximity makes her so nervous suddenly. It's not a date after all.
Actually when she thought about having a date with him before, which happened once or twice a week, especially when they did something incredibly reckless together that left them shaking with the adrenaline rush and made her heart beat double time, she imagined tequila body shots on his lanai and she could almost feel the rasp of his tongue licking the salt from the valley of her breasts and the sour taste of lime as his teeth bite down on the slice she's holding between her lips.
Uh, okay, now she has a reason to feel awkward.
Her mom falls in love with Steve after ten fucking minutes and Kono pretty much gapes like a fish because her mother is everything but easily impressed. But it turns out that he can be a charming bastard when he wants to, with a coy smile and perfectly chosen words and she catches herself easing into the whole act, too effortlessly for her liking and she doesn't want to think about how good his warm palm feels pressed against her lower back when he guides her towards the living room.
The whole thing starts to feel like a very lucid hallucination because Steve is all relaxed and chatty and her mom doesn't bat an eyelash when she tells her that he is actually her boss. Kono has a sneaking suspicion that she's already picturing grandchildren and winter weddings.
And of course everything goes too well so she isn't too surprised when Chin and Malia walk in, blowing their cover.
"I think you should go." Kono turns towards Steve with a sigh.
"Why?" He looks at her genuinely confused.
"Because this is gonna be embarrassing and you don't need to see that." She explains, pushing him gently towards the front door.
She follows him to his truck, thanking him for his help and Steve really wants to say something, like he had a good time aside from the last ten minutes or they should do that again but next time just the two of them but when he finally opens his mouth she's already walking back to the house.
He pretty much wants to bang his head against the wheel. Repeatedly.
God, when his life turned into a badly written chick flick?
And knowing that term alone should be rewarded with a bullet in his head.
.
.
Kono doesn't talk to him for five days, unless it's necessary and he feels very offended when she goes on a stakeout with Danny of all people.
He's doing paperwork and tries not to break his pen in sheer frustration when Chin walks into his office and halts before his desk with his usual unreadable expression.
"Something's wrong?" Steve asks.
"Kono has a date at seven tonight." Chin says it nonchalantly, like he's talking about the weather or something equally indifferent.
"Uh, okay." Steve answers slowly because he's not sure that Chin's not gonna whip out his knife to take his pound of flesh for that whole fake dating stunt.
"It's five o'clock." Chin says, one of his brow lifting, signaling that he thinks that you are an idiot and he should have shot you in the leg instead.
He leaves without saying anything else and Steve sits in his chair, staring after him stunned.
Did he just give permission to ask his baby cousin out?
Holy Mary in a hula skirt.
Then his brain starts to function again, creating images of Kono dating some boring douche and suddenly his skin feels too tight and he barely has time to escape from his all glass office to the nearest storage closet because he doesn't want Danny or Chin to witness when he punches the wall in annoyance. Today was not the day to have a fucking meltdown but hey, if he couldn't hide out in a supply closet and lose his mind, just who could?
He's not sure that interoffice dating was what the Governor meant by full immunity but he is so past the line of caring that he actually gets into his truck and drives towards Kono's place.
They still can sell shave ice at Kamekona's if Jameson fires them, right?
.
.
Kono opens the door with a frown because she's in a foul mood and ready to shoot anyone who says the wrong words.
She finds Steve on the other side and it's enough to throw her off her game because being around him is so awkward she wants to scream.
"Hey, I thought we could try out these." He holds up two parachutes with a rakish grin and Kono feels her heart flipping in her chest and something hot and unfamiliar spreading through her veins.
"I, uh, I can't." She stammers out the words around the lump in her throat. "I have a date. Sorry. Can I have a rain check?"
"No." He answers forcefully, his expression getting tight and dark and air gets heavy around them filling with electricity.
"Excuse me?" She tries to sound pissed not hoarse but fails miserably.
"I don't want you to date." He rushes out the words as if he's embarrassed by his own needs.
They are staring at each other for a couple of minutes before he drops the bags to the ground and picks her up instead.
"Oh, for fuck's sake." He mutters against her lips and she has to kiss him to shut him up.
Let's just say they didn't go to BASE-jumping that day.
Dating is overrated anyway.